I have been more motivated to move lately. It is coming from my goddess inner part who seems to be highly invested in the body and physical health. This is something my controller has never been too concerned about. Of course, they don’t like it when I get sick because I might not be productive, but otherwise, they don’t really care. They see the body as a work horse to be used as a tool to the mind. But my goddess doesn’t see it that way. She is very much interested in movement. She wants to know what the body has to say. So she has signed me up for a gym membership. I had very little choice in the matter. It just happened. And I have been attending dance classes like Zumba and Nia. Of course, my controller complains in my head the entire time, but they can’t stop it.
I have always been a decent dancer. I have taken ballroom and Latin dance classes many times over the years. I know my love of dance is authentic because I love it despite it being something I shared with my dad. But as I settle into my body on a more consistent basis and try to rekindle my love of dance, I am reminded of how years of dissociation have impacted my body. It isn’t easy to function like others in some ways. Part of that is age-related. I am not in denial about the passing of the years. But in some ways my recovery has me aging backwards. Since I started my intense emotional expression work, my health has improved dramatically. But here are some of the patterns I have noticed.
- Parts of the body don’t communicate with other parts. I have noticed how I have a few favorite instructors because they repeat the same moves many times. I have also noticed that until I get the feet down, my arms aren’t doing anything. I probably look pretty stupid, but I have confirmed there is nobody watching me (again and again). But this disconnection is normal with dissociation. Coordination between arms and legs can be as kludgy as communication between the mind and body. The left and right side of the body are not well connected either. This is related to the disconnection between the left and right side of the brain. While there is a bunch of science behind this, I am not delving into it here. But we do have a tendency to struggle with coordination after trauma. And it will show up on the dance floor too.
- Stopping the flow. Dissociation shuts us down. It stops the flow. We have stored a bunch of very “dangerous” emotions and memories in the body. If we allow flow and movement on any level, some of those time bombs might go off. And we can’t have that. So we fight the natural flow of our body. This can manifest as anxiety and depression. But over time, it also has a heavy impact on the physical body functions. Our breathing becomes shallow. We no longer take deep breaths and that creates difficulties in almost every area. Our digestion begins to struggle since it cannot be as effective. We may show signs of constipation, heartburn, IBS or any number of problems. Our circulation slows down. We might be chronically cold especially in our fingers and toes. There isn’t enough power to get our blood circulating the way it should. And our detoxifying organs don’t get the job done. Toxins build up in our system. And toxins that feed on toxins settle in. All of this lack of flow leads to one major manifestation which causes hundreds of problems:
- Developing chronic pain and fatigue. With all those toxins in our system, they have to find places to live. Our joints and muscles and organs are the perfect hosts. And it can get pretty crowded in there. Over time, these toxins cause muscle and joint pain, high cholesterol and more severe illnesses. In my twenties, I was suffering from severe joint pain. I would wake up in the morning and struggle to walk because my knees were in so much pain. I would avoid handwriting anything because of the joint pain in my hands. I was 23 when this started. My body was already struggling with the toxins that had built up in my body. I tried the most difficult diets. I did detox after detox. I didn’t drink alcohol. I avoided sugar. I should have been the healthiest person on the planet. But the pain and inflammation did not shift. It has only been through my emotional and memory recovery that the pain has gone.
So check in with your body several times a day. Are you living in your body? Are you allowing yourself to flow or are you blocking everything? Is there tension in certain areas of your body (jaw, hips, back, neck, shoulders)? This is where you block the emotions and memories from the past. How can you open yourself up to the flow? Can you breathe more? Can you move more? This will bring the past to the surface, but this is how we heal. If we don’t address the past through our emotions and memories, our bodies will falter and the past will win.
Interesting…..thank you Elisabeth.
I have found the opposite to be true for me. I spent years ‘not feeling’. I thought I had a high pain tolerance….and I DID because I was not in my body.
Now that I have completed a lot of processing and work and I am coming more and more into my body, I am finding that I FEEL pain for probably the first time. I do acknowledge that some of that is due to getting older as well but when I injure myself now, I NOTICE. In the past I could injure myself and just keep going. In fact, I took pride in the fact that I could not feel pain. I think I felt more in control as I took that ‘power’ away from my abusers.
When I cracked a rib going off a jump while snowboarding in the past, I just got up and continued to snowboard down the mountain. It wasn’t until I got in the car to go home that I noticed there was definitely a problem. Trust me, it was not a minor injury!
Now when a fall down snowboarding and even just take a knock, I FEEL it!! I need to lie there and acknowledge the pain. There is no more getting up and keep going. Which is how it was meant to be. It just shows me how dissociated I really was and also the amount of pain I tolerated by ‘leaving’ by body.
It is interesting how unique each person’s experience is, yet similar in many ways.
Hugs to all of you finding your way home 🙂
Yes! That is definitely a huge symptom of dissociation. We completely numb out. If I had experienced my chronic pain without the numbing, I am sure it would have been even worse. But coming out of dissociation was coupled with the healing of my body, so luckily I did not.
Hi Elisabeth
I found your article deeply touching and find the same. I have been practicing esoteric yoga which has been teaching me about the flow of stillness in my body, my innermost and this is then taken into a deep awareness of my everyday movements. It has shown me just how.much flow can be in my body, always, and how different this is to how I have been living in the past. Years ago not even being able to sense my body at all.
Yoga has been incredibly helpful to reconnecting me to my body too. It was my first big step to healing.
Great article, as usual! This is so spot on. Points 1 and 2 describe me to a T. I have all the issues you list. I never thought it could be linked to trauma. Luckily I don’t have chronic pain, although I do often experience headaches and backaches – but luckily they’re not chronic. I used to be constantly numbed out in the past, just as Wendy describes in the comment above. I used to self-harm and not feel any pain. Not anymore. Now I DO feel pain, whenever there is pain to be felt! And at first it was so strange!
Thanks so much, Elisabeth.
Thank you M!
I felt a lot of pain for the years when the trauma story was unfolding. I was also seeing a cult-backed physical therapist who was intentionally giving me stretches and exercises that would aggravate my back pain. I got away from that clinic as soon as I figured it out which was unfortunately, after a long time. Family abuser groups stalk me. Pain in our bodies creates dissociation, or requires a dissociative response which is a tool these stalkers want to leverage. There is a connection and part of preparing yourself to work on trauma is dealing with the body symptoms.
I am so sorry you went through all of that. You are right. The abusers and stalkers want to leverage the dissociation. A huge part of our healing is coming into the body and dealing with the symptoms.
Let me be in my head for a moment so I can get that over. “The Body Keeps the Score” (Dr. van der Kolk) and “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts’ but ESPECIALLY “When the Body Says No” (Dr Gabor Mate) are the best reads I know on the topic.
May I suggest that this is what our body does to us, not “we” to it. by the time “we” hear about it, it is history, a done deed! Like awareness of pain, awareness in all its forms….is the very last end of a long series of activity , down under the hood where “we” sometimes get.
At 13 I decided to follow the “Way” (become a Taoist) rather than a Buddhist which I never have been. My Daughter does the deep Yoga, I stand silently stand, and feel the motion the flow. I also walk. I visit certain trees.
Elisabeth, I am encouraged to read your words, It seems evident you have discovered, not read, truth. Big difference.
The next step, and if people like these readers here who responded, the next step is to share it by being the example, the model, the silent (or not) attraction for others to start the journey.
Those are definitely two of my favorite trauma experts. I am glad you have found the way and it is helping you heal. I found yoga early in adulthood and it literally saved me. I do believe we choose to store our memories and emotions in the body, but it happens so young (and from such a dissociated place), we don’t know it on a conscious level. We have to practice deep awareness to find it.
I suspect developing multiple sclerosis in my early 20’s was the physical manifestation of just how much I numbed out, emotionally.
That is definitely possible.