There may be nothing more horrible than the isolation that comes with a childhood of complex trauma. It isn’t that we are alone. We are probably surrounded by people, but we are alone on the inside. Life is happening around us. It may even be happening to us. But we aren’t really involved. We are watching. We are watching others have fun in life. We are watching others meet milestones. We are watching life happen to others. But this life is not for us. This life is not ours to live.
Sometimes I feel like I was dropped off on Earth from another planet. It feels like my actual family and community asked me to visit this planet and learn the ways of Earthlings. But on the way, I accidentally hit my head and became an amnesiac. Now I am wandering around Earth trying to act like a human while my real family desperately tries to find me. It might seem far-fetched, but there isn’t anything more far-fetched than my actual story.
Feeling out of place is so normal that feeling anything else feels out of place. I have always wanted to belong somewhere. I have searched for a place or a community that felt good to me, that felt like home. In the end, I was always left feeling like an outcast. Is that because I didn’t belong? Maybe. Maybe not. But I had inner parts who were convinced I would never belong. They knew I was never going to be like the others. They knew I would be rejected and abandoned by them. And because they knew it, they made it happen.
So I search for home. It might fuel my love of travel. Maybe I believe if I see enough places in the world, I will find my home. It probably fuels my extroversion despite my relational trauma. If I can finally meet the right group of people, everything will be okay. I will finally be home. And this is how we live after trauma. We search. We search for that family, community and feeling of home. We search for something that will make us feel like we belong somewhere, anywhere. We want something more than isolation. We know we are supposed to belong.
But we don’t know it’s an inside job. It isn’t about others. It is about our own beliefs and messages. We are telling ourselves the reasons for our isolation but they aren’t real. Let’s look at the most common beliefs keeping us isolated.
I am not good enough for others. This was drilled into our heads by abusers and bullies in our traumatic childhoods. It doesn’t even matter if these things were said out loud. The behavior of our abusers was often meant to be interpreted in this way. And since our child brains are wired toward self-blame, we get the message loud and clear. We take that message into adulthood and watch it manifest over and over again. So we isolate.
I can’t connect with others. In childhood, we didn’t do what other kids did. We didn’t have time to play. We were too busy trying to stay alive. And there is no more energy available after the obligatory survival tasks. In adulthood, we can feel awkward in situations that seem “surfacey” or all about fun. We live in a very deep place focused on hyper-vigilance and trauma recovery. We can’t connect with others who are doing normal life stuff. We just don’t get it. So we isolate.
I can’t trust anyone. Let’s face it. In childhood, we could not trust almost everyone around us. Even people who appeared to care really didn’t stand up for us the way we needed. And sometimes, people developed trust to manipulate or betray us. In adulthood, we have this expectation of humanity and it is not helping us to meet great people. We can’t. If we meet a great person, we don’t believe them. We are sure they are lying. And after many attempts to meet someone trustworthy to no avail, we give up. So we isolate.
The irony is there are so many of us isolating from the world for these reasons. And if we knew about each other, we would build networks to support us in our journey home. But first, we must look inward and recognize the lies we were told and the lies we keep telling ourselves. We are not meant to be isolated. We are meant to connect and belong somewhere. But we will have to come out from behind the curtain of isolation we have created. Only then can we come home.
Thank you! Yes, humans are social. We’re social, but we’ve been hurt so much. We first need to learn how to protect ourself and find our voice. Then we can connect.
So true Andrea!
I feel exactly the same, like I am an alien an anthropologist to study the culture or civilization but never be a part of it because then as soon as I like someone they’ll leave with all hurt me happens every time no matter what I do to try to change I never can all these articles describing the situation but never any help on how to actually change no help on how to actually belong
Such an important message you’re writing about Elisabeth! I experienced myself & hear my clients share about the devastating aloneness in the wake of complex trauma. We all need to know that we aren’t alone with this experience of aloneness, it’s a trauma symptom not a defect. It’s an injury that can be healed.
Exactly! We are not alone. We just don’t know it yet.
Funny, I was just thinking about this very topic. I spent a week or two connecting and being out in the world like a normal person, then new memories and dreams have me back in isolation where I am most comfortable. I keep promising myself I won’t live in isolation, but it is so hard because I like it so much better.
I thought I was finally crawling out of my isolation hole, and now this setback has me wanting to give up on everything.
I love my kids so much, but resent that I must stay on earth for them. Today, I would rather go home, but my home is not here on earth.
I completely understand Kathy. Love to you as you journey with these new memories.
I always feel like my soul wants to go home, I don’t know what or where that is.But my feelings are so strong, and comes out at any time.im a empath so I feel everyone feeling’s.
Hi Elisabeth. This is an excellent piece. The work goes on. I know I need to find the parts that won’t trust, stay isolated etc. once that’s done build the relationship with those parts, then notice when they are active and work with them collaboratively from a resourceful place (the Self).
Definitely!
This is so timely… I have a part that has totally shut down therapy because of these exact reasons… Whenever we turn towards work, I clam up and cannot talk, will not talk! My teeth hurt they are clamped so tight! My throat and collarbones ache and I can’t breathe. My therapist and I are at our wits end! How do we get the part to talk?
Maybe the part will write to you about why they won’t engage the therapist. Do you think they will do that?
I’ve never tried writing directly to a part. Early in therapy I was writing to my therapist because I wouldn’t talk (we weren’t doing parts work then and I didn’t realize it until now that it was the same feeling!) I would never talk about what was written even when prompted. So issues were on the table, but never being worked on. I decided that I needed to work on trust and talking. That was about 6 months ago and was going OK until recently when I told him something I’d been holding onto because it was too terrible. That was about a month ago and this part showed up and shut everything down. So, I’ll give it a try… Maybe writing to the part rather than the therapist will get things moving.
Try to write from the part too. Let the part express how they feel. Maybe you could use a prompt like:
“I am in so much trouble for telling. There will be punishment.”
“He can’t be trusted. Nobody can be trusted.”
This hits the nail on the head. I feel often I don’t know how ” normal” people live. I always feel different, disconnected. And when I feel sad I long for home, and that is so painful.
It is so painful.
Wow…I felt like I wrote this. Feels so good to know someone else “gets it”. Yes so she’s to describe my inner tormoil but this just did. Thank you.
Love to you Stephanie.
So, so exhausted by this ‘healing’ journey. I wanna bail….99% of me just wants out. I’m concerned the last 1% may choose to crossover.
Regardless, thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. I hope I make it to where you are somehow.
I am so sorry Stephanie. I know this feeling well. There have been so many days I have wanted to quit, but that 1% has kept me going. I promise it does get better if you keep going. And the 1% does grow.
Wow i wel like you are describing me! One of my most vivid memories is silently screaming as a child on my bed feeling intense emotional pain (I wasn’t allowed to express my sorrow and rage out loud) and sobbing “I want to go home now, I want to go home”. Something deep inside says I don’t belong here. Xx
Yes. That “not belonging” is one of the most devastating feelings in my opinion.
I liked your suggestion in Detox where you encourage your part to write directly—- I liked letting a part of me write the things blocking me from talking openly to my therapist- what kept it/us from opening up, what deflated trust, and what that part wished therapist would so it felt heard and seen and understood.
My biggest problem with isolating is I don’t have much energy or tolerance for la-la-la surfacey stuff. Usually a friend thinks they are cheering me up, distracting me from the pain. But mostly they talk about themselves/ and it’s exhausting to pay attention to somebody else that long. I’d rather isolate than have to pay such close attention to somebody else. With them, I feel stupid and small and boring and not deserving of their time. Alone alone feels better than being with someone who’s talking about themselves 87% of the time. I don’t want to squeeze me in or fight for equal time. Our friendships not worth that.
I really do understand that. It can be hard to do “outside world” stuff when we are inundated with inner turmoil and struggle to stay present.
Thank you for this! My daughter suffered from extensive early childhood trauma and what you write about sounds so familiar. I will be reading your blog so I can learn how best to help her
Thank you Sandra. I hope it is helpful for her. Let me know if I can answer any questions.
You might be Starseed 💖💖
Tears. I’m at the want to go home everyday. Inside says don’t give up on us. DID work is mind boggling. Daily living has always been. Therapist said it will get worse before gets better. Scared me. Canceled app. For a month. Isolating , relationship suffers. I hope to get better. I’m Grateful for your writing!
Thank you Cara! This work does feel scary to our defender parts who want to keep us safe. But keep letting them know it will be okay now. We can do things we could not do as children. Sending love to you and your parts.
Hi Elisabeth, I always appreciate you writing truth. This is me allll the way. Some days feel a little safer than others. Internal struggles, confusion come out of no where sometimes. Isolation had always felt safer. My extended family will never know me. They are estranged.
Hi Kam, I am sorry you can relate. My family is estranged too. Relationships in general can be so confusing for us.
OMG! When I read “Sometimes I feel like I was dropped off on Earth from another planet”, I got chills. I’m known as the alien in our family. I’m totally different from the rest of my family or at least it feels that way. I too said I was here to observe human behaviour and that I would have to report back so I needed to go through all the different traumas that humans face. There were many traumas. I still prefer to be alone than to be with anyone else.
It is actually amazing how many of us feel this way. If we only knew, we could start our own planet.
Yes—
I kept running until now
everywhere is home
as my inner home is
the default mode.
I have friends
who are family!
Abuse will never
be my friend.
I love that.
I have always longed to go “home”, to find those who would accept me. My family taught me that I would fail if I separated from them. At 69 I am considering moving back to be closer to my Sister. Reading this post opened my eyes. I am still looking for home.Thank You.
I completely understand that. So many of us are looking for home.
I can so relate to this. That longing to belong and have connection has put me in so many more horrific situations over the years and now im just begining to unpick it all in therapy.It’s so difficult because I’m so awkward and defensive and mistrusting and it’s painful so naturally I want to avoid it like hell. I find it helpful to write some stuff to start me off when I go therapy or I think I’d spend the hour in external silence and internal frenzied chaos.
Thank you for your comment Sally. This work is difficult and chaotic. Writing can help make sense of it for sure.
I am an outcast separated from my soul
Cut up into pieces dying to be whole
I keep thinking without feeling
Like I’m walking on the ceiling
I keep blaming instead of grieving
And staying when I should be leaving it all.
From my song ‘Who will guard the dog?’
Thank you Elisabeth for your heroic attempt and success at turning base metal into gold and transcending your
own cruel treatment and suffering. Thank you for your brave honesty and for reaching out to others with the diamonds of wisdom you excavated from your own dark tunnels and caves.
Wow Felicity! Thank you for all of your amazing words! I got chills reading this.
I am so touched reading this and relate so very much. I especially relate well to the extra-terrestrial being deposited on earth and not being able to have fun. So painful and so true.
I am sorry you relate, but it is also important for us to recognize that we are not alone in our aloneness. Sending my love to you.
I’m exhausted, and I’d sure like to have that resilient girl back. Now where did I leave those ruby slippers?
I hear you!
This resonates with me so deeply. I’m starting to piece everything together. This helped me put into word what I cannot communicate to others. I’m still processing and this help so much.
I am so glad this helped you Ann!
Elisabeth,
I really love this article! It is me to a T. Sitting here in my bedroom alone tonight. It’s just easier than trying to connect. But I’m really trying to get out there!
It can be so difficult to step out there.