I have always been a hard worker. The compliments about my productivity have been endless. People are always amazed at how much I can get done. “I wish I had your energy.” “How do you stay so organized?” “It is amazing how much you fit into one day.” They say it like it is a choice. They say it like I have chosen this as my life’s dream, as though productivity was an Olympic sport and I have always aspired to the gold medal. And while I always take the compliment, I find the entire conversation very confusing. It was never a choice. And it has never been for fun.
I learned a long time ago that I had one acceptable path in life. If I wanted to be loved, translated to “stay alive”, I had to be perfect. I had to pay attention to every detail. I had to stay as hyper-vigilant as possible. And there was no time for relaxation or enjoyment. Life was about survival. Life was about working hard. Life was about getting through the day without any major messes. My life involved walking on egg shells and hoping nothing drastic went wrong while staying on my toes.
I wasn’t the kind of person who got to relax. If I didn’t earn it, I didn’t get to keep it. And by earn it, I mean work twice as hard as everyone else. In childhood, if I took a break, I was quickly accused of being lazy and useless. There was no downtime for me. There was no enjoyment.
In adulthood, this translated well in the workplace. Corporations love the hard workers. They love the employee who is willing to stay late every day, even pull an all-nighter if the project required. They love the employee who defines herself by her work and is always trying to get that next promotion. And when I wasn’t working at the office, I was volunteering. I was constantly working at something. I knew the secret was in the work. There was some point when it would all make sense. There was a destination. There had to be.
So when the energy started to wane, which it always does, the panic set in. I am going to miss a detail. I am going to be accused of imperfection. I am going to get in trouble for my laziness. They are going to know the truth about me. But as I look back on my early years, I realize the hard work wasn’t the answer. Working hard to impress others never actually met my goal. Don’t get me wrong, I got promotions and raises and things like that. Everyone loves a hard worker. But nobody ever gave me what I was looking for.
I wanted to rest. I wanted to rest securely in the understanding that I was going to be okay. I wanted someone to tell me I was going to be okay. I wanted to feel peace. I wanted just one person to thank me for all I had done and let me know I didn’t have to keep running, working, chasing the red dot. I was so exhausted. But nobody ever said I could stop. I just wanted to stop.
But my inner drill sergeant would have never let it happen. It was too scary to stop. Life might end if I stopped because I would have no more identity. But recently, it has occurred to me that I can stop whenever I want. Don’t get me wrong, I still have to pay the bills and raise the kids. But I don’t have to run the hamster wheel any longer. I never had to. In adulthood, the hyper-vigilance has never gained me a thing. Planning is helpful. Working is helpful within reason. But nonstop running is not helpful.
So I have started to question the message from my controller. The message that tells me I must run, run, run is not a friendly message. It is a survival message. It comes from my trauma. I don’t have to listen to that message to be safe anymore. I can live a calmer life and there will be no punishment for it. I can live a peaceful life and nothing bad will happen. Life isn’t meant to be what the abusers taught me. There is no destination. I am there now. And I am okay.
Thank you Elisabeth, so beautiful! Peace and rest both resonate so loudly for me. Thank goodness I am now at a point where I can slow down and not feel panic and anxiety, however, now I find I am relishing in the slowness and fear and guilt try to creep in because now I might be viewed as lazy.
Just realized I need to spend some time with these emotions. I know that those emotions also come from my past because if I did manage to slow down in my childhood, if I did manage to take some time to myself then I was chastised – you’re lazy, good for nothing, what do you think you are doing? Who told you you could slow down! You need to earn your keep. You think living is free?
Thank you for bringing these into my awareness.
Yes! I relate so much to those experiences. And those words get internalized in our heads and make it impossible to slow down. Writing from those words can be so helpful.
Great read. I am very impatient and always looking to move forward. I had the same kind of childhood were you were expected to work and earn your keep. You grow up thinking you owe your parents for birthing you. If your father uses it against you, well you can see where that pattern takes us. Sometimes now, I am extremely lazy, I tell myself I am recouperating.
It’s true. You are recuperating. It is impossible to keep up that pace forever. We get to live for us now.
This is an amazing article and something I have struggled with all my life. Over the past few years I have started to suffer from horrible illnesses which I believe are due to my high anxiety and constant ‘doing’ and never being able to rest. I’ve done a lot of work on this now and I am getting a lot better. Did you ever suffer with any illnesses that you managed to get rid of by relaxing and having more rest and less stress? I have hope I can overcome them and really put my childhood trauma behind me. Thank you for your wonderful material, it has helped me many a time.
Hi there, I have healed many stress-related illnesses as a part of my overall recovery. I don’t know if it was entirely because I slowed down since that is still a work in progress. But my emotional expression and memory recovery has completely altered my nervous system and dramatically affected my physical body. I hope the same for you in your journey. Sending love and light to you.
I love this so much, Elizabeth!! This put me in touch with something I need to process – that idea of having WANTED rest as a child. Like Anon, I too have suffered a total breakdown in my health that has put me into a forced rest the past six years. I realize I have totally resented that because I haven’t ever dealt with that loss. The suffering with my health has often felt meaningless. I’m also curious whether you have found this rest and peace to have any effect on your health.
Hello there, I do feel that the rest along with the emotional expression and memory recovery has been dramatically impactful on my healing. It wasn’t rest alone, but the combination has been so beneficial for me. And I do think the more acceptance we can bring to our rest, the more healing it is. Love to you.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m 68 and still feel like I have to accomplish great things. I have been running all my life. A few years ago, I got PTSD. Now the urge to run is even greater. But my body is tired. I sleep long hours at night, and I take a nap during the day. I asked my psychiatrist why I need so much sleep, and he said, “Your brain is healing. It needs rest to heal.
That is a very smart psychiatrist. When we are going through major healing changes in our inner structure (brain, body and otherwise), it is incredibly exhausting. We definitely need rest.
I was happy when I saw the title of your post. I have found myself worrying about you and wondering how you could keep up the stamina to do what you do every day.
I have run at that pace so much of my life, but I also know it isn’t sustainable .
I hope you do give yourself a break and stop working so hard. It is ok to stop or slow down. You deserve rest. You don’t have to be there for everyone.
Sending you love and restful energy.
Thank you Kathy. I love what I do and that can come with the risk of getting off balance. That said, I am actively making changes to bring balance in new ways. There will be more rest in my future. And maybe more importantly, there will be more fun. I deserve these things (most of me believes that).
I appreciate this article. I ran, ran, ran my entire career, marriage’s, etc trying to make sure I did it perfectly. I always put others first. All while trying to manage severe depression and PTSD from childhood trauma. After 30 plus years in careers and 2 failed marriage’s, the death of my beloved brother, I broke. I am 59 years old. That was 2 years ago. I am retired on social security disability trying to rest and move forward each day. I don’t chase perfection like I used to. I try to believe it is okay to rest now. I try to believe it is okay to take care of me, now. I am so grateful for the peace and quiet. After all the trauma I try to believe I deserve this quiet. One foot at a time. Baby steps. My faith…perhaps I will get there.
Thank you Lee. I am so glad you are working to allow that for yourself. That will bring so much healing.
Thank you for this message! Everything you write perfectly relates to me and my life experiences. You’re are brilliant, and I appreciate everything you say. Thank you for putting it all into words that I can understand.
Thank you so much Stephanie!
I love this. Just want I needed to here right now. Love your work!
Thank you so much!
Oh my goodness, I was literally thinking along these lines last night…. Permission to relax, sounds so scary. But thank you for your post.
It is very scary for us.
I can live a peaceful life and nothing bad will happen!I love that so much. I feel guilty that I have been taking to myself for 3 years because of the 22 years of abuse I been through. I feel ashamed of it. Like I’m taking too long to heal. When in reality if people heard and felt the entirety of my story they would understand if I took off for the rest of my life.
Exactly. Rest is nothing to be ashamed of. But it is hard to get past all the judgments of others and the guilt instilled in us as children. Take the time you need.