I usually don’t write about current events. I do that on purpose. I want to keep the focus on recovery. Too much focus on current events can be triggering. Triggers can be helpful in recovery by giving us access to our emotions, but they can also shut us down if they come too fast and furious. That said, I have been feeling a strong urge to ask a question about the reactions to the sexual harassment allegations in recent months. And I can’t avoid it any longer. Why is everyone so shocked?
I have noticed many posts on social media and announcements in mainstream media themed with shock and dismay. They don’t understand how there could be so much of this going on. How could so many people be unaware of it? How could it have been missed for so long? The abuser seemed like such a nice person. How did they get so successful and powerful when they were such a bad person? But all of these questions seem incredibly naïve to me. I just don’t get how the denial has run this deep for so long. Actually I do get it. It is convenient to deny it. It is convenient to ignore it. It is convenient to victim blame.
So today, I am going to clear up some of this shock with my own explanations. For those who read my blog regularly, you probably know this already. But this post may be something you can share with your shocked friends.
- Most people who knew the abuser and the victims were aware of this. Some were aware of it for a long time. But they chose to look the other way. Why? Self preservation. It is easier to ignore it. It is less risky. There is less chance of retaliation. They won’t have to initiate a fight with this powerful person (which they are likely to lose). They need this powerful person in their life. They are even potentially reliant upon them for their success. They don’t want to get a reputation among other abusers as a whistle-blower. And what if it’s not true? What if they were imaging it? They will look crazy. The abuser might make them look crazy anyway. Society doesn’t like crazy people.
- The abuser is powerful and successful for a reason. Bad people are often powerful and successful. We have a crazy belief in society which is perpetuated by abusers. That belief states that successful and powerful people are that way because they deserve it. They worked hard for it. They are golden children who are smiled upon by a higher power. They are better than others. Successful and powerful people want us to believe this. If we believe this, we will see them as deserving of their elevated role in society, even see them as a higher caliber of human being. This facilitates further accumulation of power on their part which is the goal. Sexual harassment is not about an addiction to sex. It is about an addiction to power. So of course powerful people would do this. (I do understand there are successful people in the world who are truly helping others. We need many more of them.)
- The abuser appears nice for a reason. Abusive people are desperately trying to look like everyone else. Their mask is extremely strong. It needs to be to cover up their indiscretions and bad behavior. Often they will appear nicer than others who don’t need the same mask. When those abusers are famous, it is even more important to wear their mask when they are in public. If everyone believes them to be nice, they will look the other way when the behavior doesn’t support that reputation. If everyone believes them to be nice, they will be less likely to believe the victim. This is the strategy and it works.
But over the past few months, there is something that is shocking me. I am shocked that people are listening to the victims and taking action. Don’t get me wrong, I see that it is highly selective. The victims are rich, famous, white adults. Society does love privilege. And while companies are firing media personalities to safeguard their profits, politicians seem to be sticking around. But it is still different. It is a starting point. Maybe some abusers are thinking it might not be so easy in the future. Maybe some abusers are considering whether they can still be safe behind their power and their “nice mask”. Maybe society is just a tiny bit less accepting of the denial. More importantly, maybe victims are giving more thought to speaking out about their experiences. And while we have a long way to go, particularly when powerful people are sexually abusing children, maybe this is a start.
So when you hear the shock and dismay reaction, take a few minutes to educate. If people can understand that it works like this, if they can see this is normal, they might notice things they haven’t before. They won’t be so quick to look the other way or dismiss the claims of a victim. Let’s use this as a foundation for a new normal where denial is not acceptable and victims are not blamed and the powerful are not invincible. It is time for change. And we will be the change-makers.
“The world will be saved by the Western woman.” Dalai Lama
“The Earth will heal when the feminine rises” Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len (co-author of Zero Limits with Joe Vitale’.
Good one Al.
An important post. Needed to hear that, thank you.
Thank you Marie.
***TRIGGER WARNING***
Thank you Elisabeth. Much of the reason people are shocked is because they no longer are in tune with their internal warning system, their feelings, their instinct. Many of us have been taught and/or programmed to ignore our feelings. To explain this better I will give an example:
You are walking down the street and you decide to take a short cut down an alley. As you start walking into the alley, it seems darker, isolated. You start to “feel” uneasy, you get a knot in your stomach, you may get chills, you have a general feeling that you are not safe. BUT what do many people do? we rationalize – Oh! don’t be silly, it’s broad daylight! You are fine (you tell yourself). It’s only 50 more feet.
Many times this is when something (which we think is unforeseen – but it wasn’t) happens such as being mugged or worse. Now take that same scenerio and multiply it by thousands because these circumstances come up for us all the time and what do we do? We rationalize, dismiss, avoid looking at all the signs.
So then when we have Mr. or Mrs. abuser standing right in front of us….we don’t recognize it because now we are no longer in touch with our internal warning system, our feelings. We look at externals (appearance, actions, that ‘warm’ smile) to make our assessments instead of trusting our gut feelings, our instinct.
That’s where the shock comes in! What went wrong! Because we thought our logical brain was just so damn good! But we no longer have contact with what serves us best.
As soon as we can make that realization, we become aware and we can start ‘tuning in’ again. The good news is that EVERYONE has their own internal system, gut feelings, instinct. We just need to start listening again. It will never steer us wrong.
Yes Wendy. This is so true. We are taught from a very young age to approach the world with denial. Denial is the norm in our society. When we wake up to our intuition, everything changes.
This is a needed topic of discussion because of the way most people ignore abuses/crimes happening to others. They especially ignore children even though children are especially helpless. I even had someone tell me that she thought other women were making too much out of abuses that happened because – she said – that they should have reported this earlier. I got a little aggravated at that but couldn’t say what I really wanted because it was at a dinner with many people. I did say something about people not being able to tell because they would be in danger or wouldn’t be believed. She didn’t believe me. How can some people be so stupid about that subject or is it meanness of spirit?
I do believe the systemic denial comes from our own inner denial. There are so many people walking around with denial of their personal abusive experiences and they can’t possibly acknowledge it in others without admitting their own.