I haven’t always liked myself very much. That is a side effect of growing up with horrible people who blamed their behavior on me. But I have always been openly proud of my independence. I have always seen my ability to function without help as a powerful strength. It didn’t matter what I had to do to get everything done on my own. It didn’t matter if I forgot to eat or slept for 3 hours a night all week long. It didn’t matter if I was practically dead from exhaustion. As long as I did it all myself, everything was great. I was succeeding in life.
When I started down the road of recovery, it became clear that my concept of success might have been tainted by my past. I started to realize that I might not have everything quite right. I realized that my life situation was going to make my previous independence less possible (although my controller was still willing to try). My recovered memories and shift out of “doormat” status sent my family, husband and “friends” running for the hills. They didn’t want to know a woman with boundaries. So suddenly, I was a single mother with no family and very few friends. I was on my own.
Let’s be fair. I was on my own when they were there. Why? Asking for help was not okay. To take it a step further, asking for help was dangerous. But as I recovered, I realized that it might be possible to have some people in my life who could be helpful, less critical, more supportive. I know what you are thinking. “That doesn’t exist.” I haven’t seen much of it either. But that might have to do with my expectations. I attracted what I expected. And when it came to others, my expectations weren’t high.
As I have made progress, I have taken small steps toward vulnerability and asking for help. Sometimes this was a necessity. Sometimes I was giving it a try. I wanted to know if it might work out for me, if support really was available for someone like me. But more importantly, I wanted to see if support might come without strings attached. Recently I had a setback. It has taught me that I still need to hone my discernment skills in this area. But it has also taught me that my parts have a lot to say about it. Here are some of the reasons that my parts want to do everything on their own (in their own words).
- There are always strings attached. I will owe them forever. They will constantly remind me of all they have done for me. They will tell others too. I will walk around with this debt on my shoulders and there will never seem to be enough to pay it off. It is best not to ask for help. It may be exhausting, but so is the weight of those contracts.
- I want to be free, so I can’t ask for help. If I allow people to get involved in my life, they will take it from me. I cannot be free to live my life if others have helped me. I can’t make all the decisions because I didn’t create my on my own. Others will be able to take credit for it and I can’t do anything about it.
- If I need help, I am not good enough. I am weak if I need help. Asking for help is vulnerable and vulnerability is weakness. It always will be. I am responsible for figuring out my life by myself. I can’t bug others with my whiney neediness.
- People don’t love people who need help and support. People only want to be around people who can help them. They don’t want to help me. They won’t be my friend if I need something from them. It is best to be as self-sufficient as possible. I can’t ever show them that I need their help.
- I don’t need anyone. Nobody can help me. They don’t have what it takes. I am the only person who can do what I need to be done. Everyone else is not capable. Everyone else will mess it up. I just need to do it on my own. That way, it will get done right.
This inner chatter is there in the background of my life. And honestly, I don’t have the answers to resolve it yet. I do hope there are people in the world who will support me unconditionally. I do believe I can find those who won’t hold their support over my head. I know that I can be vulnerable and imperfect with some people without feeling threatened by it. But manifesting it has proved challenging (as have most relationship issues). I won’t give up though. I won’t let my mantra continue to be, “I don’t need anyone.” It isn’t how I want to live. It isn’t how humans are supposed to live.
I have been reading your e mails They Re very helpful and interesting. I can identify with been afraid to need people
Thank you Carollyne. I think it is such a common fear for us.
Wow, first off, I want to say that your vulnerability in this letter is palpable and I echo everything you said within my life and inner system. It’s caused so much heartache and HUGE stubbornness and stupidity on my part.Its not that we’re not strong enough because we are however, having two makes the work so much easier!
Having lived a title “survivor not only because I’ve had to but we were forced to, I get how asking for help creates such a delima. First off, to let down the armor of I am strong or I am capable is hard business! Secondly,appearing “vulnerable” allows the potential for others to hurt us again, to think that the dormat service is back in business as my Christine says, to not help or worse hold it over our heads forever creating a bind..”your damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” I hate asking for help however, when I collapsed and was paralyzed with my back I had to and I asked my church at the time for prayers and food..did it fall through? Yes! We learned that there are people out there who love as you know and it came in the most beautiful and unexpected way of someone sending us a meal from another state! If I had listened to the parts saying they only want something from you, don’t trust or we will be indebted forever or I don’t want to be someone’s bitch I wouldn’t have found a blessing in the situation and it still touches my heart to this day. To love is to risk and your right we should have to live with the mantra Warrior suffers and does it all alone. You and your parts are loved and I hope that as you find more opportunities to trust and allow others to help you all that it would be a beautiful experience my dear. I’m learning that trusting in things like this is a concentric Circle, trust with a little and if a person can help with the little things then we can add more. I hope I’ve made sense. Christine my protector seems to like that approach anyway and of course she’s on the lookout for people to mess up. <3
Thank you Kris. You made so much sense. It is true that our parts can be loud about not accepting help. And it is also true that there are people in the world who want to do that without any strings. Your meal story sounds like one of those. 🙂 Love to you and your parts.
I relate to so much of this – and was really surprised to read –
‘there are al ways strings attached’, and
‘I want to be free, so I can’t ask for help’
– I have never seen those words from my deep inner dial rogue and in front of my eyes before! Thank you so much! I am not alone
I do have such a fear of people saying that I will owe them – for me, the voice says, ‘they will now have a free ticket to put me down and make comments about how I am not good enough, I will not perform to their standards, or inevitably disappoint them’
Wow, thanks for that
It plays out in funny ways though – because I do ‘over give’ and feel more comfortable when I am not getting something in return (financial abundance for example) – for example working for free, when I am actually highly qualified and produce work of a high standard (I am working on this and have made changes though)
This is leading me to explore what ‘unconditional love’ really is – maybe I need to meditate on that – thank you
I really find alot of strength in your posts, especially in your vulnerability and authenticity that its a journey
Thank you so much Rachel. I am glad these words gave you something to ponder. Authentic sharing is what heals us all.
Hi. Firstly, I want to thank you for your courage to post about beating trauma. You have helped me to see I am not alone and that my quirks are a natural response to the said trauma. I totally feel everything you said above. I haven’t spoken to my family for nearly 5 years. But, I still have a running commentary from them in my head. The reason I write though is to offer some hope. I have been dumped by so-called friends. Others I have walked away from. But, I now have 3 people in my life who have seen me at my best and worst and completely accept and validate me (which is huge) and there are no strings attached. Basically I show my vulnerability and if someone can’t handle it or puts me down, I walk away (of course it hurts still but not as much as letting them use me or control me). Anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable or bad is how I identify them. We don’t need toxic people on top of trauma. We owe it to ourselves to only surround ourselves with genuine people. It has been a long journey, and there’s a long way left to go but I can see positive change. Stubborn can be good, we just need to work out how best to use it. There are good people in the world and you are one.
Thank you Alison. I love your hopeful message. I have walked away from many people. I sometimes get caught up in “I’m done with that phase” only to find out I am not. That is what happened here and it through me for a loop. Love to you.
Thank you, Elisabeth. I relate so much to what you write. Usually I don’t ask for help.Now I’m taking baby steps, the other day while baking a cake I asked for help for the 1st time, I needed the help and my brother was happy to help, did a great job and it was wonderful to be able to ask for help and do something in less time and because of that I got a little more time for myself.
That sounds like a very validating experience. I am so glad that happened. I notice myself asking my kids for more help lately, which really is good for me and them. I used to do far too much for them.
Elisabeth, I can so relate. I didn’t want to start therapy because I had always been able to say I didn’t need anybody to get me through life, “I DID IT MYSELF”. Going into therapy I felt like such a failure. I felt like all my abusers had won and I had lost the battle. I keep waiting for the few people that I have in my life to leave, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to be in my life right now, I don’t deserve to have them. Those are the thoughts that play over and over in my head. Thank you for being so open with us and sharing your journey with us!
Thank you for sharing your journey with me too. I am so glad you know you and hear your honesty about your experiences.
Hello Elisabeth,
It’s great to be reading your blog posts again! I’ve been working on building my trauma focused therapy practice & writing my healing from childhood trauma story, and haven’t been keeping up with your posts as I was, but it’s great to be back! I love your work & I love this piece & will recommend it to some of my clients. I can really relate to feeling like you have to do everything yourself & attracting what you expect. I’ve gotten better at discernment but still working on it. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Thank you Marie. I am glad this piece spoke to you and that you are glad to be back. It sounds like you are doing amazing work.
Hi Elizabeth, I have resonance with all three perceptions. There also seems to be an added piece around money in particular. That if someone helps me financially then that will allow them free reign to use and manipulate me…so accepting help in the form of money was/is interpreted as dangerous. There is also a component of obligation.
Just writing this makes me want to run away from the idea of accepting help in financial form. I actually had a dear friend offer recently to help with something monetarily small but I quickly said “no” and changed the subject. The idea of those contracts is terrifying.
Thank you for reflecting this back. It takes great courage to step beyond this, by following in your footprints we feel your strength and more of us can form a path. We can be each other’s cheerleaders!
Hugs
Yes Wendy! It is the most difficult help to accept in my opinion.
Thank you for sharing the above, I too can relate. I grew up with the Mantra “never let them see you sweat” because the help I needed was not available when I needed it, and was young. Being independent is I believe a strength, however it is like a double sided coin as well because as a woman who comes across strong and independent it still seems at times even when I verbalize my fears and need for help I still attract those that don’t believe me and see only the strength in me. My recovery began late but each day I feel blessed to see the progress I have made. I want to continue to progress, not just survive.
Thank you Elizabeth for sharing your story. I can relate to what you say about perceived strength. After we show our strong and independent selves, others do have a hard time believing there is any other side to us.
It’s taken me a LONG time to learn, but I’ve realized something profound this past year. If I ask for help, I can protect myself MORE! I’m actually MORE safe if I ask for help because I can identify earlier if someone is using me. Genuinely safe, healthy people WANT to help! It’s actually human nature. To help gives us a dopamine hit. So it’s win-win! I love helping others. I enjoy it. I feel good. So when people SAY they’ll help, but don’t… there’s something wrong there. It’s a red flag. They make excuses. They’re too busy. They don’t understand, etc. Those people are NOT safe. And we need to look for better support. Obviously, I’m not talking about people saying ‘no’ every once in awhile. We can’t help all the time. However, if we’re natural givers and INDEPENDENT, we rarely ask for help. And if we’re honest, there are certain people in our lives who always fall through. It’s a pattern. They will never change. Often, their words are nice… Oh, I want to help. I meant to help. I tried to help. But the action isn’t there. They’re NOT there.
Thank you Andrea. This is so true!
Actually, I have the opposite problem. Even though I have done many things in life (successful teacher etc), I had a victim and can’t do mindset. Trying to do things caused much stress because I was coming from a mindset that was unintentional but also harmful. I know now that I bought into things that I was told as a child without knowing that I had done that. I didn’t know for a long time that there was another way to think and react. I realize this now but still have to tell myself, “You can do this. You have done it before and you can again.” Now I realize that some of the things that were said were emotional abuse and were defiantly not true.
This is definitely a common response to trauma also. Many times, we hold equal and opposite responses at the same time.
I feel your words very closely, so thank you. But as a person whom was very independent, because as a Military child and Spouse, that was also how we were raised. In my collapse, with all I learned had happened to me, I did reach out for help. I realized nothing in life is free, but I found people truly could have cared less. I do thank god for a very small few, for if it hadn’t been for them I would no longer be here. But non-profits, veteran/military spouse organizations, the legal system, all these things, people, and organizations that pretend they care, I learned truly didn’t, in fact I learned that at every turn it was all a lie, which made me even sadder, more depressed, and more awakened to the real cruelty of our society as a whole. But this was America, sadly, this was a lie too.
I was a military brat too. It is a very lonely world. Sending love to you!
Your writing keeps me, and so many of us going. Please know that you are unconditionally loved by so many – I’d help you with no strings attached in a heart beat. Thank you for blessing us with your wisdom and presence.
Perfectly true. And I would like to add one detail: if somebody needs help, I should be friendly and do it for free. When I need something, I always had to pay for particular service. So I am not as “friendly” as I used to be.