The holidays are hard for survivors of trauma. I know that’s not a shocking statement. Our circumstances are usually less than stellar. Either we spend it without the majority of our family or we spend it with them but wish we hadn’t. Our external situation can create so much angst.
In the past several years, I have come to terms with my holiday situation. I have come to enjoy my small holiday gatherings, usually involving one or two friends and my children. I really do like it. It is so much less complicated. And there is room for the creation of my own traditions. All the fretting I did about my kids getting the bad end of the family deal has been for naught. My kids don’t know what they are missing. And believe me, that’s a good thing. That family sucks.
But there’s another side to the holidays for survivors. It is the unpredictable inner world. You never know when it will rear its head. For me, I was introduced to a new part on Thanksgiving Day. He seemed like a pretty amiable part in the scheme of things. I was okay with this part. I was working through the memories and emotions without too much fanfare or resistance. It’s never pleasant, but I was doing okay with it. But two days before Christmas, it all took a turn for the worst. The expression from this part made a massive shift. It got nasty. I came to understand this part was repeating my father’s words, but I didn’t know that at first.
I was inundated with the horrific language and emotions associated with the “yuck” that was my childhood … on Christmas Eve … on Christmas Day. I was attempting to hold together the massive Christmas responsibilities of a single mother while living in a nasty memory. I was able to work through Christmas as best I could, but there were parenting fails and mood swings and exhaustion to contend with. The past emotions were convincing and my external circumstances seemed to support them. I could certainly justify them in my head.
But then it ended. While it always stinks, it always ends. And in retrospect (because that’s the only time we can get the full picture), the emotions I experienced were clearing the way. Maybe I am meant to take on a new level of power in the new year, but I had to release the old powerlessness to get there. Maybe I had to cut more ties to the old family and take on life with less baggage. I don’t know yet how it will manifest, but this powerlessness in my system was holding me back.
Emotions are always clearing the way for the true self, the next version of who we are, something better. They are preparing us for something that will feel the opposite. But we can’t see it when we are in it. So I have developed this handy guide to tell you what is coming next. What are the chances you will remember this while you are feeling horrible? I have to admit, the chances are slim. But in case you do, here is what you have to look forward to.
When we feel powerlessness, we are about to be empowered on a new level. We are coming in to our own power in a new way and we must release the old powerlessness to get there. Maybe we are considering a change. Maybe we know we have to make a difficult decision to get there. Maybe we have to speak up or admit something to ourselves. The powerlessness might feel like an obstacle to stop us in our tracks, but it is our own inner resistance being released for our new change to happen.
When we feel shame, we are bringing in a new level of self love. We are learning that we were not to blame. We could not be the bad person our abusers made us out to be. Maybe we are tired of being so hard on ourselves. Maybe we are tired of the continued cycles of abuse in adulthood. Maybe we just sense that something isn’t right about what others have been telling us. The shame is not coming to tell us how horrible we are. The shame is coming up for release so we can love ourselves in a new way.
When we feel grief, we are opening up to new things. We all want to live different lives after trauma. But without releasing the old ways, we stay in the old patterns. You might think that releasing the old traumatic patterns would require grief. It seems like we should be saying, “Good riddance.” But on some level, the inner parts level, we have to grieve the time we spent in this world. We have to grieve the only things we have known. And without this grief, we can’t establish a better way of living.
When we feel rage, we are ready to stop hating ourselves. I always get excited when my clients allow themselves to get angry. More than likely, our anger was suppressed in childhood, so we turned it on ourselves. It shows up in our lives as passive aggression, physical ailments and anxiety. We don’t consciously know its anger, but it is. So when we feel the rage come on, we are allowing our anger to come forward and stop destroying us from the inside out. We are placing the anger back where it belonged, so we can find a way back to self love.
The next time you are inundated with an emotion that seems to be coming up right as you felt you were making progress, remember this. You are clearing what you need to move forward. Allow yourself to accept it and feel it. Allow yourself to express from it and heal it. And over time, you will see the inner obstacles clear. There is one thing I have learned from this journey. When I appear to be going backwards, I am going forwards. When I feel the worst, I am on my way to my best self.
Thankyou Elisabeth for this post, and for your consistency and presence over the holiday period. It has really helped in providing some routine and has been an anchor for me. Your knowledge and experience in dealing with these emotions and sharing that has been so helpful and reassuring.
Thank you Emily. It helps me to be consistent too. It keep my purpose and my focus on others who looking for new posts to read as they journey through recovery. Love and light to you.
Hi Elisabeth, I echo what Emily says. Thank you for writing so clearly and sharing the message that it is possible to surive and thrive after abuse. I am now 48 and working hard to recover and be the best single mother I can. You are an inspiration. I am book marking this page as I know I will want to return and digest each bit when I need it. The bit im digesting now is the rage bit,
thank you.yvette xxxxxxxxx
Ah rage! It is a critical and often underestimated (or ignored) part of this journey. I am glad you are allowing it. It desperately needs to be expressed.
Thank you Elizabeth. I also have been dealing with a lot of rage. I cannot believe the anger and language that comes out of my mouth when I am alone and no one else can hear or witness it. Thank you for helping me realize that this increase of rage seeping out of me in such unlovely ways, is not proof of how horrible I am as a person.
Definitely not Cathy. Everyone has rage. And those who are willing to let it express are those who heal. Write from it too. It helps it to release.
Elisabeth everything you say I hear you we all hear you, you’re the main person in the whole world expressing such complexity and a pathway through. Thank you and please keep doing exactly what you’re doing.
Thank you Kate. I am so glad to have commenting you here and in the group. Sending love and light to you!
Wow Elisabeth, this is astonishing. I have just arrived home after a good morning at work and an OK drive home – but with my ongoing severe back pain playing me up. I ask the pain what emotion is it covering and it tells me rage. Awful full blown aggression. And now I’m feeling it. I don’t know why. The emotion feels horrible. Before I go in to my house I catch up on Twitter and come across your item here. Maybe this aggression is preparing me to be kinder to myself. Thank you for your explanation.
Yes! Let it express safely. It is moving you out of an old pattern.
💚🙏🏻💙 I could never thank you enough for putting words to what so many of us feel. Providing insight and validation and hope and awareness and acceptance with transparency and love!! I was happy to see you have 124,000 followers. Much ❤️
Thank you so much Mary!
“When I appear going backwards, I am going forwards. When I feel the worst, I am my way to my best.” This is really a thoughtful peace of writing. I, think, there is always a negative side of something to help us learn its positive side. And that is why Helen Keller expressed her exprieces as:” We cannot learn to be brave and patient if there joy everytime.”
So true Robert! Thank you!
I needed this today. My progress was halted with anxiety this morning. I was mentally abused only to be cradled by the same individual, a very numbing feeling overcame me. I became the child hiding in the closet, not wanting to make a sound. I’m engulfed in grief today, I’m weighing on the courage to walk away or continue to walk away. I dreamt I had to climb a wall, a caliche dirt wall and I didn’t make it but I saw other individuals, younger students make it. Lord, I want to make it too, I’m holding Your hand my Lord, I can’t do it alone anymore, I surrender to You. Please guide me, help me, help my abuser too, she’s hurting too Lord. Amen
Thank you Elizabeth.
You are gaining courage every day. You are finding your voice. You will make it too. <3 to you Regina.