This isn’t going to be one of those easy-to-read blog posts. Honestly, most of my writing is difficult to read. But today I am going to focus on our selfishness. It is easy to talk about the selfishness of others, but I would not be doing my job if I did not encourage you to take responsibility for your behavior. Most of the time, we are taught there are victims and perpetrators. There are co-dependents and narcissists. But in reality, it doesn’t work like that. Nothing is black and white, even if our inner parts want us to believe it is.
I share many articles on my Facebook page about narcissists and how they treat others. I do this because I want to raise awareness about relational trauma and how it plays out. I don’t share it because I like labels. As a matter of a fact, I hate labels. Defining ourselves based on societal labels is dangerous. Once we accept them, it can be incredibly painful to let them go. And they are rarely true anyway.
I used to subscribe to the belief that I was a victim and a codependent. I was attached to the notion that I was a giver who was always taken advantage of by selfish people. It certainly made sense in childhood. When I was a child, this was clearly the scenario. But in adulthood, it wasn’t true. I remember when I came to understand things differently. Not surprisingly, it was in my therapist’s office. I was explaining a particular situation in my marriage. I was touting my efforts to give my husband whatever he wanted and complaining about how he was never happy about it. She said something that might have seemed fairly innocuous in other circumstances, but it rocked my world
“It sounds like your motivation was to get your needs met.”
I have to admit, in that moment, I was angry. How dare she insinuate that I was manipulating this relationship for the purposes of meeting my needs? How dare she suggest such a thing? But after several days of writhing in pain over this new version of my reality, I had to admit she was right. I spent my adult life operating from one major need. I didn’t want to be abandoned. And every ounce of my relational behavior was based on meeting that need. I would create “unleavable” scenario after “unleavable” scenario. And inevitably they would all leave.
I tried everything. I made sure I was a substantial breadwinner. The less money the other made, the better. I wanted them to need me and my money. I made sure I was as perfect (on the outside) as I could be. I covered up all of my mistakes and blamed anything that went wrong on the other (using well-honed manipulative skills). I married people I had no business marrying. I had babies with people I had no business having babies with. (Let me be clear, I LOVE my babies.) I pushed myself to reach levels of perfection which are not even close to possible while in human form. But they always left.
Don’t get me wrong, I was taken advantage of by others. This behavior attracts people who are not healthy. They sat on the couch all day while I worked to make the money. They allowed me to take care of the children, clean the house, do the yard work while working full time. Hey, I was willing to do it in the name of perfection. I was willing to exhaust myself to avoid yet another abandonment. Why not? I taught them that they could be lazy and useless in relationship with me. But I also taught them they were lazy and useless. Let’s face it. Who in the world would stay in a relationship where they felt lazy and useless? I wouldn’t.
So I have come to understand narcissism in a different way. There is not one definition. There are a hundred ways to be narcissistic. But one thing is certain. Our selfish behaviors (even those disguised as selfless) are designed to meet our unmet needs. Every single person on this planet is trying to have their childhood needs met. And there is a huge problem with that. It isn’t possible. Nobody in our adult life is going to meet our childhood needs. Sure, maybe our original abusers could suddenly become enlightened and crawl back begging our forgiveness. It could happen. But I’m not holding my breath.
Does this mean every relationship after trauma is doomed to failure? No. I wouldn’t write this blog if I thought that. I don’t like doomsday writing. We must have a sliver of hope to do this work. And that sliver of hope comes with awareness. We must buck up and admit the cold, hard facts. No matter how selfless and giving we believe ourselves to be, there is an ulterior motive. And when we can uncover those needs from our inner parts by building a relationship with them, we can stop asking for others to do the impossible. We can meet our own needs. How empowering is that?
In my own life, I have spent several years working with my sweet inner child who was convinced that perfection was the only chance for someone to love her. I have taught her abandonment and loss are no longer a life or death situation. I have worked to teach her that we are much better off being our true self because we don’t NEED anyone else. And my relationships are starting to show signs of my work. I am thrilled with the progress I have made.
And it comes in the nick of time because I was tired. I was tired of feeling like I needed to serve others for them to love me back. I was tired of the threat of abandonment hovering over me all the time. I was tired of wearing a mask to make the world happy with me. And I was tired of the abandonment when it all failed. I don’t have to live that way anymore. None of us have to live that way anymore.
Very insightful, Thankyou Elisabeth. Your compassion to resolve from within by working with and not against your inner parts even those confronting, scary ones which can be toxic to us to others, gives so much hope. I totally get this from both sides! As I too became the giver, the pleaser, the resentor, from abandonment the ‘N’ traits within myself. I was raised by an ‘N’ and one chose me. I totally get the being manipulated, abused, disabled by ‘N’ people and as you described above, I describe below in one experience. I work, I chased big jobs (yes you moved away to earn that big money, no discussion, made that triumphant decision all on your own as though something were propelling you too but you forgot about me?) but it wasn’t me. I didn’t want that? You decided I did? You scathingly,whinged and whined about everything (particularly your employee’s, ‘they are ALL Imbeciles !’ while constantly trying to please me? But I didn’t ask for that? You insisted INSISTED! on paying for things. But I didn’t want that? More and more you disabled me and controlled me and NO I didn’t want that? I wanted YOU…but you don’t exist :'( You wanted me because you thought by having me it would rub off not onto you but INTO you by absorption. Absorption of me. I understand and still hold my compassion for you in that understanding, despite the blame, pushing, pulling, name calling, gaslighting, taking my self esteem, disabling me but one person can’t love for Two people in this situation no matter what? I have tried, so many have tried under N circumstances it can’t be done. So Narcissism I have a lot to thank you for, teaching me so much about You and about Me.
Thank you for this. I can relate to both sides of it.
Very good post.
Thank you Patricia.
So loved this post, lots to think about…lots to relate to.
Thank you Sue.
Yes, as usual an excellent post Elisabeth. I really look forward to them. We all have rights and we also have responsibilities. They need to exist together for us to be healthy psychologically & socially. I look forward to working with you Elisabeth to find & set up a healthy relationship with my inner parts.
Thank you Peter. I look forward to working with you too.
Thank you Elisabeth. As a child I played both the codependent and the narcissist – it was a matter of survival. My mother was a “N” and depending on what ‘mood’ happened to strike at the time I had to ‘pick’ my role of codependent or ‘n’ myself in order to cope. Unfortunately, these behaviours get carried into our adult lives to continue to play out until we awaken to realize that something is not quite right. That’s when we start to realize that we have inner parts and that they need work. Thankfully, that is when the healing can begin.
I agree there is a ‘N’ in all of us and actually there is such a thing as healthy narcissism. We do need to love and take care of ourselves, after all, we cannot love others until we love ourselves. It is only problematic when we become so absorbed in ourselves at the expense of others or as you mention above, at our own expense.
In the end it is all about balance – dark & light, Yin & yang….
accepting all our parts 🙂
Yes! Thank you for your honesty here. We do have to accept all of ourselves.
How morally accountable you all are for yourselves. The label narcissist is not one I typically find as a catch-all. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist. I don’t remember playing the role of co-dependent or flying monkey. I WAS A CHILD. True narcissists – Dark Tetrad and/or malignant narcissists – are atrocities capable of committing crimes against humanity. They know what they do, even to their own biological child is evil. So, I don’t agree “We’re All Narcissists.” I’m not. And its dangerous territory to appear that you’re cutting them slack, even if you’re not. They murdered my soul, they abnegated me. It’s almost a re-traumatization to be minimized like that, to even imply “we’re all narcissists.” I am nothing like those evil two were. All this is said with the highest respect for you, Elisabeth.
You are nothing like those evil two were because you are bringing awareness to your life. That makes a huge difference. It is the choices we make that make the difference. I did not write this post to minimize the behavior. I wrote this post to bring awareness to where the behavior comes from. It is all trauma-based. And no, that doesn’t excuse any of it. But knowing where it comes from in ourselves and others makes a huge difference in our healing.
Thanks for another great post, Elisabeth. It is the hard truths that I need to hear. I still have the tendency to try to place blame on either myself or others. I tend to be harder on myself than I do on other people. I realize that just about everything I do is centered around Very Little Carrie and Little Carrie. I know they have some very important needs that need to be met, but I can’t put my finger on what those needs are. The closest I can come is needing attention, needing to be noticed, validated and nurtured. I still desperately want that to come from the outside, but the behaviors I do to get those needs met usually blow up in my face. It is very frustrating.
Thank you Carrie. I think we often take those needs from our inner parts and project it outward. It would be nice to find someone who could meet them, but until we recognize and meet them, others won’t do it. That said, others are great for highlighting what those needs are. We can use our relationships and awareness to find our needs. Sending love and light to you.
Great post; I can relate to it for I sacrificed my needs to be accepted and loved even though I did not realize that it was nothing to do with love. It takes time to realize this and even though I’m in my 60’s I am glad that I finally woke up and realized that I am the only one who can make me happy; it’s an inside job. With meditation, yoga, qijong and wonderful people around me I am on my way. It’s never too late to be your own best friend. Thank you!!
That is so important Linda! Some many of us need to wake up to that.
Well this was interesting timing, that’s for sure. Funny how when you ask the universe for clarification around things you run into a blog that has to do with exactly what you were looking for help with. Thank you so much for continuing to be so authentic/genuine/vulnerable with us. I really appreciate your ability to self-reflect and then share the messages in a meaningful <3
Thank you Victoria. That is exactly how the universe works. 🙂
As I read your post, my mind went to Allan Schore’s work on attachment theory. As you describe and relate to here, a child with an insecure attachment out of shame, will develop narcissistic defense mechanisms to survive life as they understand and experience life. The avoidant insecure attachment style has been also termed avoidant narcissistic disorder, as you say, not because they are awful narcissists as we have typically understood that term to mean, but because they are navigate life and relationships with their own interests in mind. I think you did a great job of showing that they do this not because they think they are such inherently great people, but because they think they are inherently such bad unworthy people and need to constantly be on guard and protect themselves. Thank you for a great share!
Thank you Dr. Apigian. Very wise words there.
I prefer to see it as two sides of the same coin. Children, from the time they are babies, are terribly hurt by parents who were, also, terribly hurt as children… for generations back… from the beginning. And every person travels their own path of awakening. Some will not awaken in this lifetime. I see the light within every baby, which never leaves them, but abuse makes it very dim, indeed. I see my n-husband’s nearly annihilated baby self. What horrors we have experienced, and no one can see. He desperately lashes out to save himself. I feel my inner baby’s cry for unconditioned love which I, at 60, am now able to give to her…knowing that Love is what we are. Me and my inner baby, we hope to escape this outer imprisonment without dying beforehand. I honor and cherish us for enduring this lifetime of terror. We survived, thanks to grace. I am grateful to have heard the call that came from my Heart… life unfolds, always. The cruelty that was placed upon us is not condoned… without compassion. Grace gave me response ability, one baby step at a time, walking this light with Love.
I agree with this completely. Thank you.
So insightful and awesome as always. Thank you Elizabeth. And once again the timing even though you wrote this in 2016 is forever pertinent and life-changing work to us trauma survivors.
I was just journaling pros and cons of a possible and very large decision for myself, my bottom line awareness was fear of emotional abandonment. knowing that gives me opportunity to work on that with my little Mary’s but also in relationship with others. It’s also great to identify that huge fear, how it drives me and how I can help myself to make the best decision possible for myself. Hard hard work but so valuable and life-changing.
Thank you again and I appreciate everyone else’s post on here.
Thank you Mary! It sounds like you are doing great work!
This is so true… even though my abuser threw it in my face the other night, my own narcissistic ways, it stung and hurt but I knew deep inside, it was true…I had the same narcissistic and manipulative ways… the same ways I despised from my abuser…and just because I recognize it doesn’t make it ok… but it is a start…a work in progress…strong message Elizabeth and very courageous of you to share…Thank you for keeping it real… that’s the only way to true healing…
Thank you for being receptive to all this “realness” Regina! It shows your own courage.
Thank you
Yay!!!!