I have been thinking about time these past few days. To give credit where credit is due, I have been thinking about time because I have a client who has been thinking about time. Our discussions have reminded me of my own struggles with time. I have struggled with time as if I am looking for a formula for how to spend it. If I find that perfect formula, I won’t feel so rushed, so overwhelmed or so confused about priorities. But it doesn’t work that way. There is no formula.
The way we spend our time is supposed to be an intuitive and present process. But for those of us who struggle with the impacts of trauma, we have lost touch with both. We can’t be truly intuitive because our trauma is in the way. We don’t have access to our true purpose. We don’t have access to the next step. They are marred with self-doubt, self-hatred and anger-fueled anxiety.
And we aren’t present either. We can’t sit in this moment. We can spend time. We can be on time. But we can’t spend time in the now. We can’t be in time. If we are in time, if we are present, the flashbacks, emotions and other intrusions come flooding back. So we avoid the present moment. But there is a nagging feeling that time is escaping us. There is this whisper underneath the surface that says we are missing the point, making us feel worse.
So we go through the days trying to prioritize our time with no real access to the information we need to do it. We spend time with others because we think we should. The Hallmark commercials tell us to. But we aren’t really there. We know we aren’t truly doing what the commercials say to do. So the shame takes over. We want to do the right thing, but we can’t. We want to spend time in the moment with others, but we can’t. So there must be something wrong with us.
Before I started my recovery, I remember feeling like I was chasing something I couldn’t see or catch. I felt like my life was meant for more, a meaningful purpose, but I had no idea what. And I felt like I was running out of time to find it. That feeling made me run harder, work faster and search further in the external world. But it was to no avail. My feelings were not based on the outside world. They were based on my inner world. I was supposed to be doing something. I was supposed to be focusing on something extremely important. And on some level, I might have been running out of time. But I was barking up the wrong tree.
Those restless feelings might have felt like torture, but they were a wake-up call. They were trying to tell me where to spend my time, but the trauma in my system was interpreting them wrong. And that makes sense. How could I interpret them correctly based on my understanding of the world?
I was hearing I should spend time on myself. But my trauma taught me I didn’t matter.
I was hearing to slow down. But my trauma taught me to stay vigilant.
I was hearing I needed to go back to the past for those missing links. But my trauma taught me to lock up those experiences and emotions and throw away the key.
So I defended against all of it. I ran through life hoping I would find another solution that worked with my original understanding of how the world worked. I was hoping I could find a path requiring far less faith, patience and inner-understanding. I was hoping I could find an easier way to feel fulfilled. Maybe, just maybe, there would be a road to walk with less pain, less shame, and less restlessness.
But I never found it. Believe me, I looked. So I settled in for this journey of recovery, knowing that it would take precious time, but not knowing how much. And it has consumed time, so much time. But even with the constant impatience, it has never felt like wasted time. As I have learned to spend time with myself, on myself and for myself, I have learned what it means to spend time with others and for others. I have learned what it means to spend time in the present moment. The restlessness has died down to an acceptable decibel level. And I have learned that life isn’t about time. Time is about life.
We will feel better when our time spent is not about obligation, “shoulds” and what we have been told by others. We will feel better when we align our time with our life’s journey. To do that, we must hear the doubts, but not quit. We must hear the “shoulds”, but go with the heart. We must drop the shame following us since childhood and go in a new direction that seems selfish as first. We must get back to life. And stop focusing on time.
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Time, a timely focus. How I use time, I noticed this week, is one way that I put pressure on myself. I spend quite a lot of time managing my trauma & developing skills & building knowledge to do that. My partner is the main bread winner & a very hard worker. I feel guilty about the time I spend on myself doing “unpaid work” I have an old belief that unpaid work is not valued as much as paid work. So I have become somewhat obsessed with planning productive tasks that are seen to have higher value to balance out the lower value work I am doing on myself. Sticking to & focusing on this schedule of “productive” tasks can interfere with my sensing that my body needs to be doing something different. Yesterday I took some unplanned time (at first a little guiltily) during “work hours” to have a coffee in a nice cafe & a gentle walk around & sit in, a beautiful local park. I was recharged & went back to my work with a lot more motivation.
Thank you Peter. It can be incredibly beneficial to do things like that. But we have to move past the idea of how we “should” spend time.
Thank you, Elizabeth – and a huge thank you to Peter, whose post made me realize what my endless household to-do lists are all about. I never thought about why my lists are so endless, nor about why I rank things that really do have to get done (car oil change) and stuff that nobody cares about (organize the stuff on top of the fridge) with equal importance. It’s all ranked in front of self work, and the list goes on forever, so…I will never have to face the self work. This is something I need to sit with, but I sense an internal shift just thinking about it.
Thank you Pat. These moments of self awareness are so important. And it takes courage to allow them. I often question how I came to my priorities (while trying to stay compassionate) because they often come from the trauma.
The conclusion you came to in this article is exactly what I’ve recently discovered for myself: to drop the obligations and live from my own motivations. I feel quite guilty, but oh so free! I get to do things I’ve always wanted to do, and all it took was the courage to be in my own company. Thank you so much for the fantastic articles. I consistently find a lot of value here and ideas that I don’t see anywhere else.
Thank you so much Sabina. I am so glad to hear you have found your way to this freedom. I have felt guilty many times too. But it is a much better way to live.
I’m just going to throw this out there because the one thing I have overcome is my fear to speak how I feel. How can you make so much sense – and at the same time make no sense at all! Ha! Ha! As I was reading your blog I was relating to every word – yet there is a part of me that says “Whaaaat??? i don’t understand”. I still have to work on it. I have always had a sense of ‘running out of time’. Thank you Elisabeth for having the courage to share your personal experiences.
Thank you Wendy. Because of our inner parts, this can be a normal reaction to so many things. One part of us will get it, while part of us will defend against this information with confusion and doubts. I am so glad you have overcome your fear to speak how you feel.
Hi Elisabeth. Just want to tell you again (will prob do it again) you’re AMAZING and are most definately a shining light.Please keep writing and talking don’t ever stop.
Thank you Kate!
How do you go back to the past for those missing links? sounds so right to do, but I have no clue what that means, or what to do. I know so much of me is missing…
You are already doing it. You are reaching out to those parts of you that have been ignored over the years. The more you have that inner conversation, the more you will learn about yourself and how you were shaped by the past.
Elizabeth thank you for the timely message , I was just writing in my journal about where do I go from here? I’m learning a lot about my childhood trauma and working through it ,but I’m not confident in choices I’ll make from here on out because I don’t have anything to base healthy choices on, I know what I don’t want in my life but how do I get what I do want in my life? I am doing what I can to take time for myself and having Compassion for myself. Taking one day at a time, I’m trying to use wisdom based on what I’ve learned for the future.
I have just read this for the first time and it’s relevant right now. I have been feeling so angry lately and am having to work at not letting it become external. I’m angry that I suddenly feel old, I’m 52 & although I get that, inside I have this part of me that feels so irritated by my age.My body is letting me down and I can’t seem to accept it. I am constantly looking for new things to do to fill my time.
I disclosed about my abuse two years ago and have made good progress,but now seem to have taken a couple of steps back.
I was contented until just over a week ago and this feeling of being old and angry and come from a place that I don’t know. I think I understand and then I don’t. And that pisses me off because I have recently been able to understand the possible cause of any shift in emotions.
But this is horrible…age and time are forever marching on and even though I am no longer silent about the abuse, I don’t feel free. I seem to be looking for things to provoke a reaction instead of being content with a quiet life. I felt alright yesterday, happy and enjoying life but have woken today feeling down and dreading a boring weekend. This is when the reality of being a survivor sinks in again…this will never end.
You haven’t taken a few steps back. You have gone deeper into your anger and that shows you are ready to process this emotion. Try writing from this anger and rage at all you have been through. Expression is the best way to release it from your system. Sending my love to you.
“My feelings were not based on the outside world. They were based on my inner world. I was supposed to be doing something. I was supposed to be focusing on something extremely important.”
Excellent insights. Thank you. In my quarantine time, and recently teleworking after one planned & one unrelated emergency surgery I have had space to listen to me.
There is no doubt that quarantine has brought this to the surface for so many of us. I hope you are recovering well.