I have learned one important thing about the recovery process. It is never boring. Just when I think I have pieced together my past, I will get a memory back leading me to question how I could possibly forget it. Just when I think I am entering a calm emotional state, a new emotion will come floating to the top and take me out of the present moment for a day or four. And just when I think there could not possibly be another inner part to explore, guess what happens.
This has been my experience this week. I have been in an integration period. I could feel myself processing out some of the old pain from my Karma Kid. I knew I was transitioning. And being the optimist I am, I was hopeful there wasn’t anything behind it. I’m just kidding. That’s not optimistic. That’s delusional. But it is a delusion I like to embrace on a regular basis because it keeps me going.
That delusion has ended as another part has revealed herself. As is true with all my parts, I was already aware of the belief system this part holds. As a matter of a fact, this was one of the very first beliefs I became aware of. I remember exactly where I was. It was eye-opening and disturbing at the same time. It is a defense mechanism that has never let me down. And it has never failed to produce the intended results. I affectionately refer to this defense mechanism as the “superiority complex”.
It is directly related to the inferiority complex. It is a direct internal response to the unworthiness that creates the feeling of being an outcast or an imposter. And it is used for one main purpose. It defends against pain by separating me from others. It doesn’t matter what the life experience is. It works. At the office, I am better than the others, so I don’t have to get too close. In relationship, I am better than my spouse, so I don’t have to rely on him or open up in any vulnerable way. In social circles, I am better than others because I have more important things to do than spend time hanging out with others.
It is a brilliant strategy. It keeps me safe from the pain of rejection and abandonment from others. I reject them first. And it makes sense of the deep belief that I do not belong, that I am truly an imposter on this planet. But it makes sense of it in a way that my inner parts could embrace without facing the painful truth. What is that truth? I am no different from anyone else. My childhood story might be a little hard to hear. My trauma might be severe. But I am a human being with the same tendencies toward fallibility and painful emotional experiences. I came here to connect with others, but in childhood, that only came with pain.
It was so much simpler to become the robot instead of facing that truth. I became the person with no significant emotions. I became the person who could accomplish things without making a mistake (what a difficult charade to keep up). I became someone who I believed was better than others. And “other” is the key word. I created an “otherness” because loneliness seemed like the best form of pain. The rejection and abandonment was just too much to handle. So I made my case for being different, for being unique, for being superior.
But we have seen how the “us-them” strategy never works. And I have come to ask a new question recently. Who is “them” anyway? My abusers? My political adversaries? The other gender? Those who I believe to be inferior to me? Those who had a perfect childhood? I am quickly coming to understand that last one doesn’t exist. And the idea that others are inferior to me is clearly a defense mechanism. To me, “them” can only exist in the past. And in reality, it needed to exist in the past. My abusers were scary people. I needed to separate from them. I needed to defend against that pain in childhood. I was too young to process it.
Now I am learning recovery is about coming out of the past. As an adult, I am responsible to bring my inner parts to the present moment. And in that process, I must drop the child-like beliefs that helped me live through hell. But dropping those beliefs means connecting with others on a deeper, more vulnerable level. Connecting with others means allowing people to help me. It means admitting I am not perfect and I feel pain. It means getting genuine. I have to stop telling myself ridiculous things that keep me in a state of “otherness”. And that is scary.
But I can’t stay here.
I have no idea how this will manifest yet, but I am optimistic. I do want more connection with others. It is possible that I will always want more connection. I think it is a part of being human. We are ultimately here for connection. But I have to dismantle those defense mechanisms that kept me safe in childhood. I have to help my inner parts journey out of the past. And as we all know, it doesn’t happen overnight. The best things never do.
I worry that I have a certain pride in my suffering that feeds my isolation and my fear of being genuine. Thank you for this post.
Thank you Jaime. That is a great way of putting it.
I have never had a close relationship with another female, even to this day. I believe it is because I fear she will turn out to be like my mother when I am most vulnerable. Thank you for your posts, we are almost a carbon copy. Even though I don’t have any close friends, I feel so free here and know I am safe.
Thank you Alane. I am so glad you feel safe here.
I like that notion of staying in otherness by thinking you are superior. I also have a form of your superiority complex. Mine manifests in having too high criteria for the men in my life to achieve if they are going to be my friend. I have always allowed women into my life but kept men at a safe distance. When I had the insight that I needed more men in my life for balance I realized that my too high expectations of them in their relationship with me were unachievable. I am changing that now & slowly increasing the number of men I have a deeper trusting relationship with.
That is brilliant Peter. I had the opposite habit (which might not be shocking). I let men get away with anything, but my standards for women were incredibly high. I didn’t have women friends until 6 or 7 years ago when I started shifting out of that.
Yes men have used and abused me and I connect sex and attention with love. I have a hatred of men. I feel so alone,injured my back so the perfect andoney is gone and my ex husband took my children to hurt me because I left him. Pain loneliness sadness loss uselessness frustration is constany
I am so sorry Janine. Sending love and light to you today.
Arh……….. that’s why I am lonely, I had a real light bulb moment reading your artical Elisabeth. Keeping people at a distance so I don’t get hurt, works, cos I don’t get hurt but I don’t get all the good things that can come from friendships. This insight has been bubbling up/around for sometime. I am slowly reaching out to peeps, but it is a sloooooow process.
Love & light to you Elisabeth
It is amazing what we will do to keep from getting hurt. And I agree. It is a very sloooooooow process to step out of it.
“But I can’t stay here.” This is so true. I often feel in my journey of recovery and healing that I hit this point again and again that I want to pull back, isolate, and hold myself apart from others. I justify my choice to remove myself but as I was reading this I was like, man, this is me just trying to hide, behaving like I did when I was a kid just trying to survive the next blow, the next assault, the next harmful thing coming my way. I’m an adult now but I still stay stuck in so many ways, young and vulnerable inside. Thanks for your honesty. It is true “I can’t stay here” but it sure is hard to find the way out.
Thank you E. It is so true. Hiding and isolation are some of my biggest defense mechanisms. It seems like the only way to stay safe. Keep at it. Those needs to isolate and hide come and go, but as a child, they helped you so much.
This really rings true with me. Thank you for talking about this. I struggle with feeling like an outsider so often and seek out connection at times because I become desperate. But then I don’t want it at the same time. I don’t want to be here anymore, stuck in the loneliness, afraid to let others in. I want real connections, so in my new career have been more vulnerable (it helps that I have a job that allows that and very supportive coworkers and bosses). Suddenly, I am seeing people are open and helping me. It makes me uncomfortable but then I remind myself that this is vulnerable, this is a gift meant for me. I am ready to accept it now.
I am so glad you are making these changes. I know they are scary, but they will have such a positive impact on your life in the long term. Thank you for your courage.
I’ve always done this been terrified of rejection and abandonment so either sabotage and make them leave or I leave first because the alternative is far to painful a prospect that they are choosing to leave me because I’m not worth staying around for or that they have had enough of me because I’m too much..and if they stay it’s because I’m either waiting for the inevitable to happen or it’s because they have an ulterior motive ..I’m really struggling with this at the moment. At therapy yesterday my therapist told me she is leaving in September and she wanted to tell me now because she knows I’m not going to take it well…I don’t know what to do now and feel like I’m spinning even faster than I was when I went there. I have kept everything inside for 30 years she is the first person I have ever shared any of my thoughts feelings and secrets with and now she is going to leave and take them all with her;it feels like she’ll be sprinkling bits of me all over the place…I don’t know how I’m going to move forward next week because it feels like these little frozens inside of me have pulled down the shutters and i have so much noise in my head…I can’t do this all over again with someone else its taken me nearly a year to even begin to open up and share things with her I feel stuck and don’t know how to move forward
I am so sorry to hear this Sally. It is so difficult when therapists leave, especially when we are often dealing with so much abandonment trauma. Will she do any remote calls? Have you tried writing from your parts? Sometimes it helps to know you can put it on paper when you can’t share it with anyone in the moment.
You are incredible. The courage you have to put yourself out here, is just awesome. Thank you.
Thank you Melissa!
And thank you for this validation, encouragement and inspiration.
Hi Elisabeth! Thanks for another fearlessly vulnerable post!! I find that sometimes I can remember memories clearly and then the rest of the time they don’t exist. But when I have a flashback again they seem very clear and I’m surprised
I couldn’t remember it with other memories. But the memories don’t seem that dramatic sometimes. I wonder why I have an emotional flashback with them, ie I know it’s it’s sunny and holidays from school but I feel sad and down.
Hi Han, Many times we will get portions of memories back in flashbacks, but not the entire thing. My memories almost always start with a visual flash of a scene (and emotions), but when I delve deeper, there is much more going on. Try to write from that sadness and see what it says.
Wow thanks I just did that and so many thoughts came up…