Like all survivors, I have good days and I have bad days. Unlike popular opinion regarding emotions and moods, PTSD isn’t always something I can control with my thinking. My inner parts believe they are living in the past and they are sharing those past emotions with me. When that happens, I have a choice. I can choose to validate my inner parts by acknowledging that I feel like crap. Or I can ignore it, shove it back down, numb it out or any of the methods encouraged by society. And while being happy at all costs makes the rest of the world comfortable, I am done making everyone else comfortable at my expense.
So I have bad days. I have days when I feel hopeless about the future. I don’t feel this way because there is any significant problem with today. I feel this way because I felt hopeless during my trauma. And that feeling was completely justified. It was truly hopeless.
I have days when I feel so anxious and agitated I can barely stand the presence of another adult human being, let alone my children. I don’t feel this way because my current life is agitating me. I feel this way because I am still angry about the past. I am angry with the perpetrators and I am still working through it. I am angry with myself because I am still blaming myself for something. And it doesn’t mean I haven’t worked with my anger yet. It means I am not done.
I have days when I feel undeserving of anything good. I feel no matter how hard I try, I will fail because I am not someone who deserves to be successful, loved, accepted or happy. I don’t feel this way because it is true. I feel this way because in the past, there were so many experiences that pointed to this reality. I watched one thing after another happen that proved my unworthiness. In the past, it seemed true.
So I have bad days. And those days are not my most productive days. Things get done that must get done, but the stretch goals get put aside for another day. But even on these days, I have learned what helps. Here are some of the approaches I use.
- I allow the feeling and I write from it. I let the inner part express through their emotion and thoughts, even those thoughts about the present.
- I allow the feeling and begin self care. The appropriate self care depends on the part. Some parts might want to isolate. Some parts might want to watch TV. Some parts might want to walk in nature. I go where they need to go until I can write.
- I allow the feeling and continue with my previously scheduled day with the acceptance that I will get by with the basics until I can write.
But it all starts with allowing the feeling. In all three scenarios, I have accepted my reality. And yes. I am aware that I just told you to do the hardest thing imaginable for survivors of trauma. We have never had a reality worth accepting. But it is the fight against and the invalidation of our inner parts which leads to so much more pain.
Don’t get me wrong, I may need to have the temper tantrum first. I may need to feel sorry for myself first. Once again, I accept my lack of acceptance and throw the fit I need to throw. It is an inner part too. It is almost always an inner defender who doesn’t want to feel. That is okay. I allow that lack of acceptance. I write from that lack of acceptance. I write from that anger about this crappy recovery process that will NEVER EVER end. I write about how I am tired of it and don’t have any more patience for it. I write about how tired I am. And once I write, I come back to one of those three scenarios above.
And believe it or not, the pain dissipates after I accept and validate it. It certainly doesn’t go away forever. It may only go away for an hour or two. But those moments without pain are my motivation. I know that life exists without the pain. I know that I am powerful without the pain. (I am also powerful with the pain, but much less productive.) I know that it is possible to transcend the trauma of the past if only for a few moments, hours or days here or there. But for some reason, it is enough to keep going through the bad days.
I really don’t want to hear that the pain will never ever end. That is an almost overwhelming reality that I just might not be ready for. However, I do the same as you do and some days are less productive and I just let it be what it is. I wish others who were not on this same journey could understand because they can make it so much harder with their harsh critical words about being lazy and what not. I do what I can and some days that’s almost more than I can handle. Others days I feel so productive and that’s good. I am on this journey and aware of it and I’m not quitting ever! I find so much help in your articles and I appreciate what you are doing for those of us on this difficult trauma recovery process. Thank you.
Thank you so much Teresa. I do believe the pain dissipates during this journey, although it sure isn’t linear. But if we keep at it, there is progress. Keep at it. Ignore the people who don’t get it. You are making a difference.
Complex trauma sticks to our soul. Sometimes my soul feels sooooo tired. If past lives are real surely this is our last life? It’s a miracle we’re alive good or bad day. Thanks for this piece.
Thank you Kate. I don’t know if it is the last, but definitely the most productive. And definitely a miracle.
Your awareness amazes me. I “forget” to write from that part most of the time and stay stuck. Thank you for reminding us to write.
Our defenses are pushing against writing in so many ways. Forgetting is a huge defense for those of us with dissociation. I use my defenses as reminders to write. When I feel the urge to numb out in front of the TV and have a glass of wine, I write first. Even if I can just muster it for 5 minutes, it is a huge help. Sending my love to you.
Thank you Elisabeth, your posts always seem to come to me at the time they are needed the most. Thanks for your profound words and encouragement, and for helping me get through today. Smiles.
Thank you Denise. I am so glad it helped you today.
I want to get this knot out, I still don’t believe in my true person I can’t feel the anger but I know it’s there, guilt for failing I tried for to long and now paying the price.. doing all I know to recovery but still so miserable..
This is such an affirming piece. Yes, healing from PTSD is lifelong. For me, accepting and believing that fact was actually a huge burden lifted from my heart and mind. Then it’s two things: learning how to navigate those bad days and feeling the pain, and adopting new lifestyles and mindsets during the ‘normal’ days. Hard to do sometimes. My bad days are fewer yet they are still bad. Spending time alone, crying, praying, resting and then taking long walks has been most helpful. When the dark lifts, it feels so wonderful yet also I’m tired.
Living a quiet, simple life has helped me tremendously. Quiet, simple, routinized. Physical care such as nutritious food, rest, exercise. Limiting or removing toxic, loud, dramatic people. And even changing a career or job if needed and if possible.
Thank you so much for this.
Thank you Tricia. Those are great ideas for bringing balance to our bad days and our every day.
I feel so sad. But I need to accept that my life isnt like other people’s who havent been abused. Im forever trying to have this imagined life when really I need to accept the life I have, right now.(which actually isnt to shabby :))
Your piece reminds me that by the simple action of accepting myself and what Im feeling right here, right now, will center me and will also free me from being stuck in my past.
Big love Elisabeth x
Love to you Yvette. Those are powerful insights.
and “I accept my lack of acceptance” that bit that you wrote makes me laugh. Or rather, feels me with joy. yay!
🙂
That is an epic marriage of words. “Accept lack..Acceptance is the cure. Also hugely elusive. For today.. I’m strong and I’ve succumbed to acceptance, my gratitude journal.. my positive internal pushes, I acknowledge those emotions, but I’m really tied in a knot because I physically cannot speak or think through the traumatic events. Its scary as hell to live in a fun house mirror on Halloween. I am frozen in the terror and I fear I’ve lost some mental functioning. Your advice is a blessing to me today.
Sending my love to you today Rebekah. Acceptance of our lives today or our emotional state of being is incredibly difficult. Even holding it for moments at a time can help.
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for this insight. You have perfectly put into words exactly how I feel about my lived experience of my childhood trauma that then continued into my relationship with my now ex-husband. I am going to give my inner child the voice and validation she deserves. I really need to sit and write and express my emotions instead of dismissing them. Thank you so much for your courage and inspiration, Judy xx
Thank you Judy. I know your writing will be so helpful in your journey.
I am new to this site, yet so very thankful I have come upon it. I can so relate to your words because your words could be my words. I have struggled with money issues for the last four years. I know that it has nothing to do with money. Money is mirroring to me the lack of love, emptiness, and rejection I felt in my childhood. The lack of support, and deep down how I feel God has rejected to care for me too. The little girl in me always wanted things to be differernt, and tried deseperately to control her environent and the craziness in it…yet to no avail trying to control only left me exhausted. I am accepting today, the reality, the same one that I fought against as child because it sucked so bad… I was always hoping for a different one. There is peace here after reading your post in accepting my reality. Thank you for speaking your truth.
Hi Stacy, What a brilliant realization! I have had the same struggles with money over my life. In many ways, I played victim to it and let it control me and punish me. It is so good that you can see that mirror in your own life. And I am glad you found me here.
I am so glad I took the time to stop and read this. I thought there was something wrong with me. Those inner voices that tell me I’m lazy, not good enough, a loser(like I was conditioned to believe for 18 yrs in a very debilitating marriage). I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one that deals with times I can barely get out of bed and some days it’s small accomplishments that get done. I also feel so emotionally drained sometimes it carries over to physical exhaustion. Thank you for writing this and letting me know I’m not as alone as I feel in this experience.
Hi Jenny, Thank you for stopping to read this. And I am so glad you felt some validation from it. You are not alone.
It is important to me to comment that PTSD isn’t about memories, it’s about a present reality. Teresa’s comment rings true. I really don’t want to hear that the pain will never end. I really don’t want to be a slave to ‘being prepared for whatever’. I really don’t want to be completely bound to a life of “trust issues” and that means learning how to find people in my life who love me enough to work WITH my trust issues as they come up in everyday life. It’s not easy because my personality doesn’t fluctuate that much, until it does. The powerlessness over the anxiety/protection response gets painful for everyone, but those reactions are not the reality. Those reactions get less powerful and shorter in length as I learn techniques for acknowledging that I’m doing my best and actualizing that I’m a good person and you believe this too.
I want to print this on the back of my eyelids!
I allow the feeling and I write from it. I let the inner part express through their emotion and thoughts, even those thoughts about the present.
I allow the feeling and begin self care. The appropriate self care depends on the part. Some parts might want to isolate. Some parts might want to watch TV. Some parts might want to walk in nature. I go where they need to go until I can write.
I allow the feeling and continue with my previously scheduled day with the acceptance that I will get by with the basics until I can write.
But it all starts with allowing the feeling. In all three scenarios, I have accepted my reality.
Thank you Doug.
I have been depressed since I was 11. After 17 years, I simply collapsed couldn’t get out of bed or when I did I could just stare at the wall. Few months into therapy (for the first time in my life) memories started to resurface. It was really freaky to me as I had no recollection of anything. A year later I still haven’t come to accept these memories as true on most days (even though my body tells a different story). It’s been seriously driving me insane to have to deal with this situation. Even though I am doing much better now depression wise, I still have good and bad days. The bad days are just like you described hard to get through. I tried for sometime to be gentle to myself on these days, but overtime I find myself still berating myself on these days and not accepting these part of me as myself. It feels discouraging to think that I might have to just accept the bad days and that they will never completely go away and I will never go back to being the productive person I used to be. Heck, I would give anything to even feel present in my day to day seven days all the week. I really hope it gets better.
Dear Elisabeth,
I stumbled onto your website whilst sitting in my London home, readying myself to returning to teaching after the summer holidays. What struck me more than anything was ‘hearing’ myself in your words.It was like, wow, I know what that feels like! For a moment I did not feel alone. For a moment I did not feel like a failure for experiencing ‘negative’ emotions. On some days, I am awash with dread and I feel like a freak. It passes. It returns.
However, London feels a little less lonely tonight.
Thank you Lawrence. It can be very lonely. I am glad I helped just a little with that. Keep reminding yourself that you are not a failure. And good luck with the teaching year.
Thank you Elisabeth, as always. I’ve been feeling so worthless lately. I feel my little girl part interfering and trying to change the course of my adult life the last few days. She does not like my fiance, but I love him. It’s not that she doesn’t like him, per se, it’s.. well you know. I need to sit down right now and let her express her fears and anger in writing. Writing has helped me since I was 12, but I forget that when I feel like this.
Also, I don’t mind when you say it never ends. It doesn’t end, just the same as someone who’s had an idyllic childhood, their happiness doesn’t end. There will always be pain but I’ve found that the severity of it lessens as you learn healthy techniques of coping with it.
Thank you so much for your comment. Keep writing from that little girl when you remember to do it. It will help so much. Love to you.
After losing 13 people close to me as family and friends in 21 years…from when I was 16-35, you have said what I have been struggling for the last 23 years trying to articulate. Thank you. Your words help me accept that it is ok to be broken and healing…
Thank you so much Scott. I am sending you love and light as you travel through the grief of so many losses.
I’m not sure you’re blog is still active, but I really appreciated reading this. Today is a bad day. I liked that you said you are tired of trying to appease people or ourselves into believing we are okay. I too am so tired of the DAMN process and would love to just be back to 100%. It gave me encouragement to know that I’m not alone and I hope you did beat trauma.