“Maybe if they die, I won’t feel so guilty for speaking up.
Maybe they will apologize on their death bed. Maybe they will finally say the right thing.
Maybe I will find a way to make everyone stop fighting. I’ll finally be the peacemaker I wanted to be.
I don’t want to burn those bridges. I might still need them.
I always wanted a mother.
I always wanted a father.
Maybe they will treat my kids how I wanted to be treated.
Maybe if I let them buy me enough stuff, it will fill the hole of emptiness from not having real parents.
Maybe they will change.
Maybe they will tell me they love me and mean it – just once.
Maybe they will finally see me as a good person.
Maybe they will tell me that.
Maybe things will be different if I wait a little longer.
Maybe I won’t have to feel the pain of rejection and abandonment from childhood.
Maybe everything will be better without that.
It shouldn’t have to be so hard.
I’ll just wait for them to be better, to treat me better.
It will happen, won’t it?
I’ll just wait.”
The Inner Child
The Pain is Real
There’s so much judgment out there for those of us who leave a family behind. Survivors talk to me all the time about how they are invalidated and judged for their decision. Outsiders seem to believe it is a flippant decision made to get the parents back for their minor infractions. The abuse is often minimized. The decision to leave is seen as irresponsible, disloyal and vindictive. Everyone immediately turns their thoughts to the poor parents who have forever lost their child.
But for survivors of intergenerational trauma, the inner pain is real. The inner pain is haunting. The inner child is still desperate for the loving parents they never had. And this can lead us to a stuck place. It is a painful limbo of sorts which is like purgatory on Earth. We want to leave the abuse behind, but we want to wait for our parents to do the right thing. We cognitively know the later won’t happen, but our inner parts are still holding out for a miracle. And so we wait … in purgatory.
There is a way out of the waiting though. We can bring these parts out of that waiting mode. We can give them what they always wanted. We can re-parent them.
I know what you are thinking now.
“That isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to do that. They should make up for what they did.”
That is your inner child speaking. And they are right. It isn’t fair. They should make up for what they did. But they won’t. And you can choose to listen to your inner parts and wait. Or you can choose to move forward with your recovery and parent the parts that need it. I know this sounds like tough love, but this is me loving you with the painful truth. I want you to move out of that limbo and live the life you are meant to have.
So how do you re-parent?
- Acknowledge and accept your parts. They may have done some bad things. They may feel shame. They may feel grief. They may still have that trauma bond with their abusers. But love them unconditionally. Be patient with them. Accept them for who they are. This was the one thing they wanted from their parents. It was the thing they never got.
- Let your inner parts express. They have a lot to say. You may hear their words in your head or your manic thoughts may get in the way. But believe me, they have plenty to say. When you stop the endless mind chatter and allow yourself to ground in to your body, you will hear them. They reside with your body pain and your emotions.
- Protect them. Once your inner parts start to understand that you are the adult self and can handle life, they will begin to back off. Show them you can set boundaries to protect them. Show them you can choose a life they wanted all along. Show them that you are a different kind of adult. You aren’t like the others.
- Find out what they love and do it. Our inner parts wanted a different role in their lives. They never intended to spend their energy on constant vigilance and traumatic suppression. They were meant for far greater things. And they know what they love. Let them tell you what they love. Don’t dismiss it as unrealistic. Try to go out and meet their needs. Let them live the way they were supposed to live.
As you shift your relationship with your inner parts, you will start to shift out of limbo. You inner parts will start to see there is another way to have their needs met and it doesn’t involve waiting around for an external person to do it. Believe it or not, they may even begin to trust you. They may even begin to respect you. They may even begin to live again. And then, so can you.
If you would like help re-parenting your inner parts, I offer one-on-one survivor guidance sessions to help you build awareness and make changes in your life.
Elisabeth, I have been appreciative of many of your posts and the wisdom they contain. It is only now that I am beginning to feel comfortable with the idea of re-parenting. When I began ‘proper’ trauma therapy 10 years ago, after a few previous false starts, I had no idea about the journey on which I would embark. My survival skills of denial, intellectualisation, minimisation, dissociation etc etc had served me well. As you would know the unravelling of trauma and the resulting awareness can be painful and overwhelming at times, but I have been lucky to have eventually found wonderful, knowledgable and caring therapists. However my ability to re-parent, or even to contemplate the idea of re-parenting, has been just about non existent. I can sense things are finally changing now, but for years (nearly a decade!) the reparenting has needed to be carefully, knowledgeably and appropriately left to my therapists. (I see a psychologist and a psychotherapist, which for me works well. They are similar, yet different, and their ability to challenge and care for me, at the same time is extraordinary) The idea of re-parenting myself threw me into a complete state of retraumatisation – isolation, invisibility, abandonment and non existence. I needed mirroring from my therapists, I needed to unlearn the mistrust, shame, doubt, fear, guilt, inferiority and confusion that had ruled so much of my life and to progress through the states of childhood development that had been denied me. For me, this needed to be done in the context of relationship with my therapists. It is only now that I feel as though I am ready to be more involved in this part of my journey.
Hi Jane, I completely understand that. It does bring the isolation and abandonment back to the surface. And we do need to have external help in our journey. There is no doubt. Thank you for sharing that response.
I can related to your sentiment, Jane, that you needed mirroring from your therapist in order to unlearn so much. Those of us who have survived trauma and abuse from loved ones oftentimes don’t have any good role models. I’m not sure if that’s what you mean, but I can relate to that sentiment. There is no one in my immediate family who can help me to rebuild .. or from whom I can learn and grow. This is one reason why it has been so important for me to carefully nurture friendships and find people who allow me to see I’m on the right track. My therapist has done a good job of helping me through this, too, yet there all of the sudden came a time where I just knew I needed to take more charge. It’s scary, isn’t it?
Jane — I can relate to almost everything you described!
I’ve finally been able to drastically turn down the highly critical voice that was always running in the background of my mind. And my amazing therapist [7 intense years now) and one coach in particular have shown me completely different ways of being and doing in the world and with myself.
They essentially act as compassionate, accepting parental figures and the wonder of it all is phenomenal.
Taking over as my own parent has been a lot longer, more complicated task than I expected. Like you, I am able to do so with my support team yet I am still awkwardly fumbling around trying to take on the role for myself.
They are both amazingly patient with me. I am not. And I get frustrated with the inner parts that hold me from it — despite all the hard work and effort I’ve been willing to give to the process.
I have other things I want to do with my life, my time, and my finances instead of struggling to give them what they need.
Elizabeth — Your message on this one was very on point. The limbo land is lending itself to a lot of frustration amidst trying to move to the next stage of this healing journey.
The other side feels tangibly close so I know progress is being made. Navigating (and judging) this limbo land is creates a feeling that the other side is a mirage that I dont have the slightest idea how to navigate for myself — despite all the work and effort.
I’d love to flip a switch to be what my insides need. 💗
Yes! That is so true. Our defenders want us to believe there is no other side. There have been many points in my recovery where I had this image that life would stop if I kept going. And we get stuck in between. But the parts are scared. And it takes time to learn how to work with those scared parts without losing patience. That is very normal on this journey.
In reading your blog posts, I am amazed at how much I relate to your choice of words and how clearly you can pinpoint my exact feelings. My inner child (I call her “Little Girl Bonnie”) was denied a fun and safe childhood as a result of the abuse. I am working on overcoming many fears/anxieties as my adult self and allow myself to fulfill experiences that I had missed out on due to insecurities in my childhood. I am discovering what I truly enjoy versus what people around me enjoy. I am finding the real me by nurturing my inner child. I am going to print out those steps to reparenting and post where I can be reminded regularly. You spelled it out so clearly. Thank You!
That is great Bonnie. I am so glad that you are taking these steps. It makes such a huge difference in our lives.
The word limbo really strikes a chord with me. Prior to the beginning of my healing journey, I felt as though I was living in limbo all the time. Yet couldn’t put my finger on ‘it’. That is exhausting and scary to not be able to feel like you have solid ground to stand on. In discovering the inner child concept, things began to shift. And powerfully. I’m 52-years-old and I have a little picture of myself from 1st grade in frame on my desk. It’s the last picture that was taken of me before years of trauma and abuse occurred and clear into my 40’s. I talk to her and let her know that it’s safe for her to come out now. It’s safe for her to be silly and laugh and risk and to love. She’s my ‘little’. I’m her ‘big’. Feelings of happiness and peace come to me so unexpectedly and when they do I know it’s my little telling me something.
The other thing that helped greatly was learning to forgive the trespassers in my life. Those who did horrible things to me. Through much work, I accepted that there was nothing I could get from them that they were not capable of giving. I held debts over their heads. All of them. They were going to pay come hell or high water one day. When I forgave those debts — by simply realizing they were not capable of ever being the people I needed — the burden of wanting to hold them accountable was lifted. It doesn’t mean not forgetting or letting abusive people back in your life. That’s not a component of forgiveness for abusers.
The only thing that still plagues me is the sadness of lost time. Even though the last 5 years of my life have been the best I’ve ever known (and because I am caring and loving self like no one else ever did), I’m so sad that more than half my life is over and so much pain and hurt and sadness ruled decades of living. I want those years back and this brings me down.
Grieving our lost time is a very common reaction during recovery. Sometimes I think we lose more time because we don’t want to change and admit we wasted time. It is a difficult one for us. I am glad you have made so much progress in these last years though.
I read this post and I can say I totally relate to a lot of what is being said. I was raised by a single mom who was an alcoholic. I moved out when I was 16 for I could not take much more of it. The insults, the fear or never being good enough, mental, and physical abuse. I was hoping that moving out she would realize she needed to get help. It never came. I am 48 years old now. My mother is dying of cancer, liver problems and getting demitia. She still sees me as this 13 year old girl she can bully around and be rude to. Anytime I approach her on issues that need to be addressed such as her health or what to she wants.. she changes the subject and proceeds to still insult me.. bringing up my past failed relationships, the failures with my own children, and insults keep comming. For she is mad that I abonded her and left her to deal with her own problems of alcholism, bi polar and depression. She feels that I owe her since she raised me. She feels mad that I did not turn out the way she wanted me to be.. married to some rich guy so I could help her out when she needed it. Instead I am a single mom to 4 girls. They are 28,27, 19 and 12. I was married for 14 years to a very abusive person whom I had 3 children with. He was abusive in the same ways my mother was. Always putting me down, being narcisst, and thinking he was so much better than me. I basically raised the girls and then went to work at night so we did not have to pay for daycare.. but looking back I should have finished school and continue to be a self reliant person in life. Instead of always asking to buy a pair of shoes or to explain why I needed a pair of dress shoes while he went out and partied, did drugs, and blew all his paycheks.. then made me feel like I was the crazy one.. we ended up getting divorced but because of how he manupiluated my oldest daughter the courts gave custody to him. For that is what she wanted she was 13 at the time. She ended up cutting her wrist and I did the right thing. I put her in the hospital and treatment for this. I had to send her there in a staright jacket for I knew I could not personally drive her there. I did the right thing. He then ended up getting custody of all the girls due to the fact that I did the right thing. In my heart as her mother I know I did the right thing. She herself was assessed with many problems, bi polar, oppostinal defianat disorder, multiple personalities and such. When he got custody he convinced her that she had no problems and that I was the Crazy one with all the problems. He turned the kids against me. The sad part was my youngest was only 5 at the time and she ended up being raised by a narcisst man who felt he was always right and everyone else around him was wrong. He became abusive towards the girls.. but I would take him to court and the girls would not show up or he would buy them things and promise them the moon if they would stay.. so they would. I had a lot of people judge me as to what I did wrong. I said nothing. I had the kids in counseling and I was working thru the problems that were left to me when he left.. but I would still get judged my peers as to I must have been this horrible mother for a man to get custody of the girls. He just did not want to pay support and he wanted to get back at me for not taking him back on his 3 rd cheating spell. So what better way to get back at me thru my children.
My mother was quick to remind me of what a mistake I made. How I did the wrong thing by sticking around and putting up with this shit that he created with the girls.. and I would have been better off if I just walked away from all of them and the situation. As there mother I could not do this. Not in a million years. So I put up with the every other weekend, the screaming matches by him, and the paying him support just so I could be invloved in the girls lives one way or another. I still pay dearly for this move. All the way around he was a narcisst just like my mother, He abused me mentally, physically, and verbally the whole time we were married. He also helped with my PTSD in which I carry as a deep dark secret. I had a hard time with accepting the fact to take medication for my attention deficit disorder for then people would think I am nuts or crazy.. when in fact it is just the oppposite. I am smart, funny, attractive, kind, and try to make the world a better place. It just seems that I attract the narrcist people..the ones who remind of my childhood always thinking I owe them something, that they are so wonderful, and that I cannot live without them. I do not open my heart to many people and that has scared off a lot of men. I have put up walls.. in which that only I can take and tear down. My 19 year old moved in with me before she turned 18 and was going off to college. It has been a really rough year with her living with me and my 12 year old. She was the one who was raised by her dad. She has no respect for me or anyone else around her. Her mouth is horrible. She has the me attitude that it is only about her and her only. She refuses to do anything to help the house. She wont even do her own laundry, clean, or she is constantly bitching that why should she have to do anything considering she is never home. She is quick with the insults and thinks that I owe her since I was never the mother figure she needed. She is real quick to remind of that one. She was use to the mom who took her places and did things with her.. for that was all I was allowed to do. I was not allowed to do scouts, softball or anything else.. For he was in charge. The damn court papers said so. He made sure of it. If I was 5 minutes late picking them up he would slam the door in my face and tell me where to go.. I would hear her crying in the back ground but there was nothing I could do.. for going to court was a joke. I was so mad one time I told the judge off.. but made my point that I had enough and was not putting up with it. People say that God Only give you what you can handle.. but my question is how much more of this life can I really handle.? I always say when there is a will there is a way ( my mom use to say that to me) I am really starting to wonder.. for I put up with my 19 year old acting like my ex husband being rude and insulting all the time, my mother who is rude and insulting- but has demitia and I am fighting with people to take care of her, and my 12 year old who thinks that the world evovles around her and refuses to iniatiate anything without me having to harp after her all the time. I mean come on she is 12 and I still have to say do you have underware on? Did you brush your teeth? The trash needs out and did you do your homework? She herself has bust of anger that are bad. She is 5’6 and 206 pounds and she knows that she can bully me around when push comes to shove for I have a bad knee and back problems. I know that if she gets mad enough she could do some damage to me physically. I am currently taking her to a therapist for anger issues run in her family. When I tell people how she acts at the house they say who her? She is so sweet. I dont see her doing this. She has ripped apart screens, tore the doors off, thrown perfume at me busting my lip, tried to drive me off the road for she was mad, and then calms down and looks like I am the one who is crazy. Yet I still take her to open enrollement school, she is on an equestrian team, and I do for her. That is because if I do not do for her then my life will be miserable having to put up with her and being bored and always hounding me. So this year I have taken off the word doormat on my forehead.. I have gotten rid of toxic relationships with men who think that I need them.. and are very narccist, I am getting my 12 year old the help she needs.. and learning to stand my ground with her.. and working on my 19 year old.. it is either she helps or she will have to move out. she will have to get respect for the situation at hand.. and help. As far as my mom she will not have much more time left..and I am trying very hard not to have my PTSD kick in.. and take my add medicine realizing that I need to take this to stay focused.. I am realizing that my life has been very toxic and time to get rid of the toxic and make it a life worth living. For if nothing else I deserve that in life.
I am sorry you have been through so much pain in your life. It can be so difficult to deal with toxic parents as adults. They reinforce the same doubts within ourselves. Keep working on removing that toxicity from your life as you can. You can make progress even with small steps, so don’t take any change for granted. Sending my love and light to you.
Elisabeth: this is so on the mark. One of the hardest things to live with is to want someone, especially an abuser, to acknowledge the damage they inflicted while knowing that in most cases they will not. It’s perhaps especially damaging when the perpetrator is someone who has long corrected your behavior, like a parent, teacher, or is in a position of moral authority like pastor, a cop, and perhaps a therapist, etc. It’s not so bad if they are willing to admit — sincerely — that they are sorry.
There’s also the factor of being willing to apologize myself. If I’m the only one doing so in a given relationship, that’s a problem.
Exactly Jennifer!