I never ask for help. Some might say that is a result of my own need to be perfect. Some might blame it on my inability to trust. Others might say it is an inability to be vulnerable. And honestly, those are all true to some extent. But recently, I have come to understand another angle to the complex kaleidoscope that is my inner world. I have found another inner part. And her understanding of the world is very complex and somewhat mature. It is so mature that I am struggling to separate from some of her beliefs. In other words, she seems right to me, at least somewhat.
Interestingly, she comes as the yin to my mean girl’s yang. I have to admit I didn’t see that coming. But apparently, when my mean girl split, there was another simultaneous split. A very calm, caring and rational being came to exist at the same time. I have to admit I like her. She doesn’t yell at me. She doesn’t insult me. She is even a bit vulnerable like some of my younger parts, but not in a desperate way. That said, I also realize she has caused me some significant problems in life. Her expectations of how the world works have been the ultimate form of sabotage.
I believe her to be trauma-bonded, but not in the traditional sense of the word. She is not so young that she believes we must love those that hurt us. I have another part like that. She is different. She believes we are bonded to the abusers for life, but not through love. She believes we are bonded because of a deal, a deal she strongly believes I am in the process of breaking. And in breaking that deal, she believes I am putting everyone I love in danger, all inner and outer children.
And this all comes back to the fact that abusers are smart and cunning. Nothing they do is by accident. Don’t let anyone fool you otherwise. When child abuse victims start to separate from family as they get older, the logic and the threats ramp up.
“If you don’t do as I say, I won’t feed you.”
“If you don’t do as I say, I will leave you and your sister homeless.”
“If you don’t do as I say, I will drive you to another town and leave you there to survive on your own.”
And of course, these threats are combined with promises the child could never survive without the family. Then it expands further.
“If you ever go against me, I’ll find out and you will be punished.”
“If you ever go against me, I will find you and kill you.”
And then there are the times when they do things for the victim. I don’t mean special and loving things. I meant things they are supposed to do, like providing food, shelter, clothing and transportation. These things add up. So guess what happens next.
“I did all these nice things for you, so you owe me.”
All of this logic and these threats lead to some pretty strange beliefs about how the abusive relationship works. And that translates to how the world works. So now I have a part who believes she still owes my abuser. To make matters worse, she thinks she has broken her end of the deal and her punishment is coming any time now. She desperately tries to limit my attempts to break away from the family with her expectations of inevitable pain. It is so bad that she searches through all the “bad” things in my life associating them to my mistakes. I am starting to affectionately refer to her as the “Karma Kid”.
Her beliefs affect me in other relationships too. She is absolutely opposed to engaging in any kind of deal or asking for help from anyone else. She refuses to owe anyone anything. It is so bad that she creates a spreadsheet in her mind to ensure that all exchanges have been perfectly even or weighted against her.
While I know most others don’t work that way, I have had a hard time arguing with her about the retaliation part. I can’t promise her she is fully safe. But I can tell her that my parents are not powerful, or even magical, as she believes. I can explain that she never made a deal. Deals infer that there was a choice. And she was never afforded a choice. I tell her every day that deal is null and void.
And she hears me but she’s scared. She can’t know that it is safe until she nullifies the deal on her end. And she can’t nullify the deal until she knows she is safe. That is a tough spot. And I feel for her. But I also know what is at stake. We can’t live life while owned. We were meant to live freely. And life won’t be fully free until we cut up this contract and never look back.
I hope she can do it. Intuitively, I know she will. In the mean time, I will give her the space she has never had, the encouragement she has never heard and the understanding she never thought possible. And one day, she won’t be owned. And neither will I.
Wow, Elisabeth you hit the nail on the head as usual, I’m moving out of State soon. I use to feel obligated (the ties you speak of) but no more. I realize I still take my issues with me but I’ll never stop trying to get an understanding when I become confused. Thanks to YOU! ❤️
Thank you Katrina! Confusion is a natural part of this process. There is no doubt. Sometimes patience is the only tool we can use.
Elisabeth, that last paragraph is so powerful! Thank you so much for writing it. Your writing really speaks to me.
In peace and love,
Teresa
Seeing the word “Owned” in this context immediately made me think of another word: “Redeemed”.
A couple of years ago, I was at a prayer event at my church and we did this exercise where we asked God to tell us what our new name is. Redeemed is the name I heard in my heart.
What it means to me is that God has paid the price (through Jesus’ sacrifice) for me. It means that I am God’s now. In my case, I previously felt more like no one cared enough about me. I wanted to belong to someone. But it strikes me that it also might be the opposite of being owned by someone cruel (assuming that one believes that God is loving and not harsh).
Although this is a religious comment, I thought I would share it in case it helps anyone.
I understand what you are saying. I find ownership to be triggering even in the context of God. It makes my inner parts feel better to considerate it a partnership. But that is such a personal decision depending on what empowers us. Thank you so much for your comment.
Elisabeth, thanks for validating my discomfort about the language of “being owned” when I am in church. (The Episcopal prayer “control our wills, that we may be wholly yours” also freaks me out!) But Aurora, you know, when I was first starting my recovery and became a Christian, I felt empowered and comforted by St. Paul’s words that we’re always a slave to something so let’s be slaves to Christ. It all depends on where we are in our journey. Right now my “part” who wants adult autonomy is up.
I have been binge-watching the adult fairy-tale series “Once Upon a Time” on Netflix, which is great for exploring themes of parental narcissism and recovered memories. This post reminded me of the evil Rumplestiltskin’s constant reminder that “Magic always comes with a price”. That resonates with a wounded part of me that is afraid I’m breaking some deal (with God? with my abusive parent?) by coming into my power.
Thank you for your comment. It sounds like you are tuning in to what you need now and empowering yourself. That is awesome.
I’ve been going through body symptoms. Recently diagnosed with colitis because of years with IBS. My mom, the culprit of my anxieties and trauma lives with me. She invalidates me and makes me feel like I’m crazy. Let me see, I have the narcissistic manipulative mom who created my traumatic world living with me, hence, retraumatizing me as I journey this new diagnosis, constantly invalidating me making it seem like I’m the crazy one here. Making comments what’s wrong with you, you’re losing too much weight. The demands make me anxious. God keep me safe. Amen
Thank you. So on point for me at present. Came at such a perfect time.
I am so glad. Thank you!
This is interesting. I have a similar perspective on things when it comes to being even and not owing anyone anything. If I borrow anything I give it back ad soon as I am done… if I borrow money I pay it back the next day… people have often commented that there’s no rush etc…but I can’t relax unless all is even. I have often used that in my relationships and it hadn’t been beneficial at all. I try to remember that everyone is different and I should not always expect what I give.
Thank you Victoria. It is amazing how this shows up so much and messes with our relationships.
hi Elisabeth
I realise in my own life that I can not take anything from someone(gifts, food) it makes me feel weak. I feel that I can provide for myself(independent), the only thing I need is love(tlc), I still struggle to love myself
It is very hard to us to love ourselves, which makes it hard to find others to love us. This is such a struggle after abuse.
If we knew what love was, we might be able to figure it out. Instead, we had love pulverized out of us.
We do know what love is. We were born knowing. But we forgot we know. That knowledge is buried underneath the trauma and extremely hard to reach. But we can get back to it.
I know what you mean about being lost about love. I was in a marraige where toward the end, my ex had even started training my daughter into abusing me as well as already having isolated me and used all forms of abuse himself. Love was numbed out so that I could bear this. Strangley they got a rescue dog(which I did not want) that grew very large and was a strong alpha male. Eventually while they soon lost interest in caring for the dog or doing any training, I started to become attached…and soon realized that my attachment was a growing love…something I had been numbed out of. But I became re-acquainted with “love”. The dog eventually bit my daughter and when he bit her 3 times, my husband finally agreed to take the dog back to the Rescue place. I cried a lot, but I knew after the first bite that the dog couldn’t stay. My husband left, and as if some evil spirit left our home with him, my daughter and I felt a strange peace and a weird freedom. The abuse from him didn’t end, but it did from my daughter. God led me to “Do it til I felt it” so since my dog mission had fed the seed in me of love, and I need to get that feeling going again with my daughter, I began doing loving things to my daughter and myself…Like notes and treats. un-numbing was not easy, I believe God helped me through prayer and that dog.
I love the way you conquered that love gap in your home!
Any posts where you write about your “Mean Girl”? I have a mean girl too and one that you are describing here! Would love to read about your experiences. I am working on integrating all these fragmented aspects of my personality and this was right on point! From how she was created and how she reacts to life. Thank you!
I have several posts about her. She is my most active (or most noticeable) inner defender. Here are a couple directly about her:
http://beatingtrauma.com/2016/04/20/mean-is-cool/
http://beatingtrauma.com/2016/02/17/a-different-inner-conversation/
And she contributed to this one:
http://beatingtrauma.com/2016/03/02/my-7-favorite-defenses/
oh my! you said your most noticeable defender – meee too! it’s like the voice i hear first in my head! she musta been created to be a tough cookie 🙂
Absolutely!
It’s amazing how difficult the work is, isn’t it? Often, life is an empty void into which we’re screaming. Nobody understands. Or they understand, but aren’t capable of showing empathy. Or they think you shouldn’t tell them about it, because it’s too much. Nefarious doesn’t begin to describe the illness, for your attachment strategy–trying to get the very thing you absolutely need–drives people away, giving you the opposite of what you need. Which heartbreakingly reinforces the whole problem. It’s being told “sorry, your loss is not legitimate”. It’s being forced to write past each other in comment sections because no one will listen to you who isn’t paid to do so. It’s so many things that people who haven’t suffered decades of complex trauma don’t understand and won’t put up with.
Right?
You have described our frustrations well. I have experienced all of this.
You’re an amazing person, merely for finding the fortitude to do the work!
Thank you!!
Wow-I connected with so many different aspects of this sharing…but strongest is “discovery” of different parts and what their part was in survival and what I am discovering about them now. I have recently been trying to connect with my coexisters so that I could figure out what went on during gaps throughout my life…even up to last year. I am finding that some are still “coming out” when there is a trigger…sometimes I am aware and sometimes I am not. But these experiences are progress to me and help me understand even silly things like= Why are there certain clothing in my closet that I(my mostly conscious I)don’t remember buying or wearing? And would likely not wear them in my present state of mind
Yes. This has been a huge part of my journey lately. I love the term “coexisters”. I have been calling them my “takeover” parts. Keep working on giving them a voice and they will begin to stop those takeovers. Love to you.
Hi Elisabeth,
I have just found your site and I have to tell you, your writing is wonderful. This writing though, was exactly what I needed right now. I have done this thing where I consider whether or not speaking out about what was done to me is why certain bad things happen. I actually try to make connections, as though the bad things are some form of punishment. It doesn’t feel logical, but in some way it also does in that moment. I don’t mean to pick just a piece of what you wrote or simplify it, I got so much from what you wrote. And maybe this doesn’t apply at all, but when I read your writing I felt like it did. It was so incredibly validating. First, it is a reminder that this is not what is happening. Second, it was great to see that I am not the only one with thoughts like this. Your Dear Karma Kid is something I have read twice now, it’s wonderful. Everything surrounding these things is new to me and I feel like I am going in blind. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughtful and insightful writing.
Thank you Elizabeth. I am so glad this validated your experience too. I think this punishment concept is happening within many of us and I wanted to call it out. We heal so much better when we know others are going through it.
Wow. You wrote my truth. I was with you up to the point ‘while I know most others….’. I hear what you say, but I can’t own it. I tell myself it, but it’s hard to turn from words to beliefs. Trauma-bonded is really what it is. It’s very hard to break that bond
You are so right Kay. It is so hard to break that bond. It takes years of emotional expression and beliefs work to do it. Love to you.
Wow another great post. I can really relate. I have a hard time accepting or asking for help. I don’t want to feel endebted, or feel peoples pity, I can’t ask to borrow money. I even have a hard time with library books, I would rather buy a used version from Amazon! I can now see this comes from childhood , where I was told everything I had to be grateful for. All the things that are done for me, food shelter clothes (we never had a car) We lived out of charity shops and jumble sales yet I was told I was spoilt with too much, because I had shoes on my feet. I was made always to feel and threatened like I was on the verge of being given away to a children’s home, as I was too much trouble. I was told I had to keep the family secrets( rage, fighting, mental health, trouble with authorities) or get out. Where does an only child 10 year old go? The shame weighed heavy then and still does now. So I kept the secrets and the guilt until the person had passed away when I was 31. I can see that now I internally limit myself as I was externally limited as a child. I still think I’m no good because of The place I’ve come from.
I am so sorry you were treated so horribly Alison. It is incredibly debilitating when we can’t even feel safe in our own childhood homes. Love to you!
Thank you Elizabeth. Your posts and keeping the dialog open helps to keep us on track with the healing