I haven’t met a survivor who hasn’t been invalidated as they have journeyed through their recovery process. When we hear invalidating statements, it hits us hard. But there is a way to make it less painful. Believe it or not, invalidation is a process. It isn’t a fluke. It isn’t random. It is specifically arranged by the universe to wake us up. And I am going to explain how you can do that in the least painful way.
Step 1: We must have the initial pain of invalidation after a childhood experience. This invalidation may come with malicious intent. For example, if we experienced sexual abuse and try to tell an enabler parent, we may be faced with the famous accusation that we are making it up. Gaslighting is the most popular manipulation tactic used by enablers of sexual abuse. However, the invalidation may come in seemingly harmless statements from otherwise well-meaning people. In these cases, it is harder to unravel the impact on our psyches because it just didn’t seem so bad. For example, we might tell someone how we are going to rise above our circumstances one day, and we may be told to be realistic by someone who wants to keep us from being hurt by failure.
Step 2: We must internalize that invalidation as a means to keep our pain as unconscious as possible. Let’s be fair, this isn’t really a step. It is an automatic occurrence that happens as a child is invalidated, but it is critically important to our reaction to invalidation in adulthood.
Step 3: We grow up and decide we want more in life than the constant pain of squashing our unconscious emotions. We find tremendous courage and begin to get in touch with our inner child and our inner defender. Somewhere deep inside, we know there is more to life and we are going to find it. Go you!!
Step 4: Someone condescendingly informs us of how stupid that is. We may even start to believe them.
But why do we believe them?
This is one of those moments where the universe has lovingly set us up. We will now be told something by an external person that we are telling ourselves on the inside. How do we know this is happening? We get triggered. It takes every ounce of self restraint to keep from gouging the other person’s eyes out. Your inner child is angry. Your inner parts are in turmoil. And it happened in a split second. Thanks universe. Love you too.
This person has just repeated what your inner defender has been telling you all along.
“Don’t do this work.”
“Leave the past in the past. This is the present.”
“Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“The trauma probably wasn’t as bad as you think.”
“Just let it go. Get over it.”
“Are you sure that happened? It was a long time ago. Memory is fallible.”
You get the idea. All that work you have been doing to override your defender and access your traumatic pain has been thwarted. Your inner defender feels vindicated and has gained a little strength. Your doubts get louder. You inner child is now screaming at the ridiculousness of this invalidation which is repeated again and again.
Step 5: You realize what is really going on here.
What is really going on here?
We are energetically attracted to those with similar trauma. That doesn’t mean we had the exact same experiences. But our experiences affected us in similar ways. The wounds are similar. When we interact with people, we will inevitably face their projection, as they will inevitably face ours. Projection is a fairly simple process that creates a whirlwind of difficulties in relationship.
It plays out like this …
The person who invalidates you has faced similar invalidation in their own life. They have built their own inner defenses including a similar inner defender. This inner defender is just as adept at keeping their pain locked below the surface of their conscious mind. So when you begin telling them how you are facing your own pain, their inner defender is immediately alarmed at such a prospect. That defender launches in to immediate panic mode and begins to manage the danger at hand. That defender spews the same invalidation used on their inner child, but this time, it comes out of the mouth. And honestly, it comes out in a somewhat unconscious manner.
That inner defender is trying to eliminate any external reminders of internal pain. Sound familiar? It is the reason you run from triggers.
Step 6: You are no longer impacted by invalidation.
Okay. That may be an extreme. It still impacts me, but much less than it used to.
Seriously though, when you feel invalidated, take a deep breath and remember this blog post. This person is sending you to trigger land because they are projecting their own inner invalidation on to you. I am not suggesting you feel sorry for them (unless it helps you get through the moment). But I am suggesting you recognize their pain and how much their inner child must be suffering under the thumb of that invalidation. It may be a stretch to find compassion for them, but give it a try.
Then move on with your journey knowing that your inner child will never have to feel that way again.
You will no longer invalidate your pain.
And nobody’s projections will stop your healing journey.
Congratulations! You have completed the process of overcoming invalidation in your recovery. Now because there is no shortage of people denying their pain, remember to rinse and repeat.
If you are looking for a community to validate you, join my new private Facebook group starting on June 12th.
Great article – I haven’t thought of it in terms of the steps before, but totally relate to having walked this journey. It’s amazing to no longer be reacting so much to invalidation when it used to be such a huge trigger for me. Having compassion for the person’s own wounding has been the key for me.
Thank you Betty. It is so true. When we can recognize that pain in others, it gets a little easier to navigate triggering situations and relationships.
Yes absolutely spot on! We are mirrors and we can also mirror validation.
Elizabeth, thank you so much for helping me (us) understand the processing. You do such a great job of it and that is the piece I have been struggling with for so many years! You are right on!
Thank you Donna. I am glad it helped.
You are speaking to me today i relate ive had to stuff it and now im speking up and not denying it i get remarks from my sister that was a long time ago why talk about it let it go but no it happened to me not you you did it to me it took me eight years to confront the abuse she did to me and my kids she said let it go i said not till i talk it out and tell you the effect it had on me i get no validation but i valadate me mow vi
Keep validating yourself. That is what matters.
This is perfect timing for me. I have been considering confronoting the enabler but figured they may suggest I am making it up. When I mentioned this to my partner he discouraged the idea saying that my mother was doing the best she could. I got angry at that statement. This is a great outline to help me process where I am and provides some suggestions that I am going to consider. Thank you.
Yes! That situation would be incredibly triggering. There is so much projection going on there.
Thank you, for the article,although I’m in the beginning stages of forgiving in being compassionate of my family members pain it’s still very hard,they continue to shun me and make condescending remarks when ever I’m in their company,going to a family member’s wedding this weekend it’s going to be quite challenging but I’m gonna keep an open mind and do my best to remain compassionate towards them, they have hurt me so much , acting like I don’t matter ,but I got to find a way to not let them continue to affect my life so much, you’re so kind to everyone else and I do not know what I have done to them is paying me for years sometimes believe I’m just not good enough for them..and I will take your advice thank you and I will continue to follow your blog very helpful very informative
Hi Brenda, I am sorry you are experiencing such abuse by your family members. Just remember you are not to blame for their behavior. That is not your fault.
Brenda
You may want to avoid your family. I have had to stay away from my family of origin because of the constant cricism and invalidation. I’m a completely different person than they are and they cannot understand. They are all a bunch of malignant narcissists and I am an empath. Narcissists enjoy putting other people down. It’s no use to try to win them over. You are a better person than they are and they are jealous of your kindness and compassion.
Thank you Elisabeth,
I really appreciate you insight in the article.
Three thoughts on invalidation (my mother was the enabler parent):
1. Being told, “You can’t feel that way”! by my mother.
2. Having my mother speak and then as I tried to respond, she would cover her ears and say, “la la la la loudly”.
3. Being told by my mother and ex wife, “I was crazy”.
It took 15 years of 30 in recovery just to feel my feelings.
At one point I needed court papers to prove facts in court that happened in my ex wife’s family and that I was not crazy (as she claimed). Others in recovery helped to validate me and my feelings that I did not need court papers to validate the facts and my feelings. It was a nice feeling to be encouraged and supported by friends in recovery and not believe what my ex wife said.
Today one thing I find is that by validating and encouraging others, it brings me tears of joy. It seems to me that one of the best ways to validate myself is by validating and encouraging others. Maybe this is what you mean by mirroring?
Thanks again for an inspiring article Elisabeth,
Paul
That is exactly what that mirror does. We give to others what we give to ourselves. And that act of giving to others will definitely bring the emotion as though it is happening to us.
Thank you for this! It seems that I have been stuck in stage 4 and need to make an effort to move forward to stage 5. Invalidation seems to be more painful than the actual trauma itself. It is easier to accept that perhaps it didn’t really happen and live with the feelings of guilt of possibly making things up than to deal with the results of conflict among those you need to be supported by. I will make an attempt at considering the root of this invalidation so I can proceed to heal and live more freely from my past.
I loved reading this! I am glad that blog post helped.
I hear the “just let it go” one constantly. It’s incredibly irritating. If I could just let it go don’t you think I would? Don’t you think I’d have a semi normal existence? It’s maddening to hear that. This article helped me too understand how ridiculous it is for others to say that to someone truly experiencing deep wounds.
It is maddening to hear that statement in response to our expression of pain. I am glad the article helped you to understand that.
Great blog, thank you! I agree with it for the most part (and in the case of my family it is very true….not dealing with their own pain), however, I would ask how we explain a largely societal view in the avoiding of accepting sexual abuse/assault occurs? I believe we see systemic invalidation in our legal systems (the sentences rarely fit the crime, if it even gets to court, for example)….maybe that’s just the patriarchal system we live in, the imbalance of power and an underlying belief the oppressed have no rights so they remain invalidated and God forbid we find a voice and the balance of power shifts,or fear, fear of the consequences – the shame, guilt, legal consequences should an abuser be believed so they make us look crazy, minimise the abuse to keep their position in their communities, maybe not completely about their own pain (identified or not) and a larger power issue?…..hmm, great blog I can relate to on many levels, whilst I think we’re getting better at empowering people to tell their stories, to take back their power perhaps systemically or societally we need to do more because it’s not always about another’s pain…..does that make any sense, would love your thoughts as I still try to make sense of the world.
Thank you Kymm. I actually believe the system invalidation is a direct reflection of the sum of our individual internal invalidation. I think they are a direct reflection of each other.
Very interesting article, thanks. It’s good to think further about invalidation.
Perpetrators invalidate so they can go on perpetrating and not be caught. Sometimes perpetrators know they are creating disassociated parts (they might not call it that, but some perpetrators know they are creating problems or gaps in a victims recall) and pretending the abuse has no impact on the victim is key to ensuring parts (or gaps in recall) are created. Really, disassociation is relied on by many perpetrators. They know we find it hard to fully believe what happened.
The invalidation of people who aren’t perpetrators is more difficult to understand. I like the idea they are invalidating their own pain, because it means what they are doing isn’t out of hate or a desire to harm me.
It explains why so many female therapists won’t acknowledge that mothers abuse (or enable the abuse of) children, and why so many social workers won’t acknowledge that social workers abuse children, even after many have gone to jail. It upsets them too much to think a colleague or another woman could abuse a child. Any abuses of power by women or professionals they have experienced are denied and the pain it caused them is invalidated, just because it’s a more comfortable way to live for them.
It still makes me angry anyway though, because I think that their pain must be small enough for them to still function while invalidating it. Which might serve them okay- to believe that only men abuse children and that our ‘child protection’ services are safe- but their denial means that children are still not safe. They don’t believe trafficking happens or that child abuse material is produced here either. So nothing is done. And it means I’m still disbelieved.
Grrr! I would like to be able to have more allies though. I’d like to be able to get these people on my side without alienating them with my disgust and fury. Because they’re not perpetrators and they don’t necessarily mean to cause harm. But it is so difficult.
Thank you Nell. I agree that the invalidation gets stronger when the perpetrator doesn’t fit the mold of what society believes they should look like. Their pain might be less or they may be so defended from their deep pain, they can’t possibly allow any new perspectives in.
Thank you Elizabeth for explaining this, as the rare person who experienced trauma, including sexual, from childhood spanking only from a mother’s hand but bare, I see a common slow to change parenting culture and parents who may have experience the same but never faced their childhood pain as social systematic invalidation. It is truly has been gas-lighting for me for a long time, but I’m glad others can understand this and support me as I validate my pain.
This kind of trauma is so often horribly invalidated by society and families. Don’t let that impact your understanding of the trauma you experienced. I am sending love and light to you to you tonight.
Thanks Elizabeth, I’m not dealing with it as well, when meeting others who who claimed such similar childhood experiences never harmed them to trauma, and actively advocate the same treatment to their and other children. I have done some therapy work, but I need to find a way for more. I don’t deal well with those so convinced it was not a traumatizing event for them.
That is completely understandable. That invalidation is triggering your younger inner parts who want to be heard and understood and supported in their emotional reactions to everything they went through.
Wow. It felt liberating to read this… I have been just informed of the term Invalidation even though I was put in multiple different therapies as young as 11 years old. I was diagnosed with BPD in my teens and life never got better but it worsened. I was made to believe my entire life that there was no specific cause to my unusual internal pain. I was a troubled child and teen in a seemingly perfect little family. And I was never allowed to doubt or criticize that. I rebelled in any any way I could because I felt I could not speak out my true feelings. I ended up being sucked into that pattern of invalidating every bad feeling I had. I did it to others too and my god it is unconscious. Reading this is like waking up. I realise I have been in the process you describe for a while now, realising my perfect family has been enabling this my entire life but it’s hard to admit. After finding a great therapist whom I felt I could one day trust, it still took me 7 years of on and off therapy with him to talk about this. I was in denial and blamed myself for so long, I could not talk. I now notice every time someone invalidates how I feel and noticed how I unconsciously surround myself with people who have similar issues and that has caused me to lose many friendships. But my family stayed, always, never abandonned me. I wondered why I got so beyond furious when I talked to my mother or sister about my feelings. Like I was not understood. But then they say it’s because whatever they say will never be what I wanna hear, like my anger has no true meaning. They are such sweet and gentle women, it’s hard to catch it. Now I see it so clearly because I have already begun the process of talking about things I had never in my life shared with a human being. I remembered certain things about my childhood and other painful memories. I had to let it out so after 7 years it finally came out in therapy. I felt lighter already. My therapist told me about Invalid3and how he thought this was a breakthrough in our therapy. I will not give up and will try all your tips to not let invalidation affect me anymore. Thank you for this!
Thank you Marie. I am so glad this piece helped you to see how invalidation is happening in your life. And it sounds like you are doing amazing work to heal yourself and build your awareness!
Thanks for writing this! I am dealing with this right now although I’m not sure I even knew it. My habit is to pathologize everything that goes on with me…I’m depressed or I have ptsd or this or that about me isn’t “normal.” And reading this article, I kind of realize that pathologizing everything is also invalidation. Because I can’t stand to just accept myself as I am. I was often called “too sensitive,” whiny and “a worrier” by my mom. And later in life, I was called crazy and “bipolar” by a verbally abusive partner so i guess it makes sense.
Yes. It makes sense. It is so easy for us to follow that pattern of invalidation within ourselves. And of course, society is huge on pathologizing which makes everything worse. Love to you as you travel this path toward self validation.
My mom passed away & my Dad married a psychopath. I was psychologically & emotionally abused by my stepmom and rejected and abandoned by my Dad. My mothers family have been out of touch for years and years. I’m trying to rekindle ties but I’m facing a lot of invalidation. Its so very painful. I think a lot stems from guilt and saving face, but with 1 aunt in particular Im wondering if its an attention thing. As in, theres only so much attn and sympathy to go around & I dont want you taking it away from me. What are your thoughts? Its maddening.
It is always possible, but it is hard to know what she is thinking. Do you have the unconscious belief that there is not enough attention for you? Does this feel like a pattern from your childhood?
So sorry Elisabeth, just now seeing your reply! I’m confused by your question because how do I know my unconscious beliefs if they are unconscious? To answer, I have felt there wasn’t nearly enough support, validation, or attention for me ever since my mom passed. The theme is only repeated throughout the years, including the abuse & neglect from my parents. Several family members refuse to let me even discuss it, shouting, move on. It was never acknowledged in the first place.
Journaling from the pain you feel about this can help reveal what lives in the unconscious. It also sounds like there is grief which needs to be expressed. Try to let your grief come through.
as an incest survivor by by biological father my mother was told as a preteen confronted him and was told i was a liar ,trouble maker, slut on and on he was sexually abusive verbally abusive and physically abusive he convinced my mother i was trying to cause trouble consiquently my siblings although abused themselves by him chose my mothers way shes crazy attitude now both parents are gone siblings and their spouses still choose to have me be the crazy sister i have since stopped all contact with the 5 of them and i live far enough away so they dont bother with me i dont get it and am willing for my peace of mind to let them live their made up childhood family invaldation was then put on my neice as her father was like my father only more violent its easier to make us liars then to face their own abuse and most of the drink to excess i have never been a drinker and refuse to drown out my past like that
I been through a shtload of invalidation from my family. Sometimes I have felt like I could be walking into the room with Bruce Willis and still would only told like “Gabor why you got that B last week?? Whats wrong with you?”
I love this article, thank you. It’s so helpful at understanding the ins and outs of what is happening.
As someone subjected to a parent who projects their own invalidation onto me, as a child, and even now as an adult, I am now somewhere between stage 5 and 6, which I’m happy about. I will not allow them to project onto me any longer. It ends now. I am not their punch bag. Their behaviour has caused me a huge amount of trauma and heavily impact my adult life, health and relationships. But I’m not allowing this to happen any longer. It’s extremely sad, but it is what it is. It’s certainly not the life I hoped for. But I will be much happier and healthier with this realisation and who knows what beauty will be born now, with my clarity and breakthrough. Good luck to anyone else on a trauma recovery journey, it’s not easy, it’s extremely tough and painful. I see you.
I love this Chloe!