What can I do about it?
My work with clients often comes in themes. Most of the time, I find that my clients’ inner work is a reflection of my own journey and we grow together. But lately, a new theme is emerging. And it is not something I am currently facing in my own life because I am single. Many people are coming to me with the same message. “My husband is angry and I can’t convince him that he needs help.”
Just because I am single doesn’t mean I haven’t lived with angry people. Until recently, I have lived with angry people my entire life. And because I lived with angry people, I know anger. I get anger. I lived most of my young life trying to suppress my own anger, only to have it come out as passive aggression and emotional explosions about small stuff. And unlike society in general, I have learned to embrace my anger. I have learned how to express my anger safely. And I have learned why we are scared of it. But I have also learned that the fear is not based in reality. It is suppression that creates the problem with anger. Safe expression is not the problem.
While society doesn’t love anger, men have been taught that anger is all they have (as long as they express it privately). Their vulnerable emotions have been shamed with phrases like “man-up” and “don’t be a pussy”, which is very traumatic for a child who just wants to express.. It tends to be passed down from one generation to the next by the men in families. That is not always the case, but I have noticed that mothers are much less likely to tell their sons to “man-up”. As a matter of a fact, mothers are often ridiculed for letting our sons be too soft. This is also a part of the problem.
But what can we do about it? Well, here’s the hard part. I am going to tell you what you don’t want to hear. You are mirroring his anger in the relationship. It may be happening on an energetic or unconscious level, but it is happening. Let’s face it. Women are angry. We are mad as hell. And we have never been allowed to express it because while anger is the only emotion allowed for men, it is the only emotion not allowed for women. So where is your anger? It is shoved down inside. You turned it on yourself. You may actually be angry at yourself for being angry. And what happens with all that anger? It might come out sideways like mine did. Or it might be making you physically ill like mine did.
Turn It Around
So while your husband may be angry, I am asking you to work on yourself. Don’t get me wrong, don’t put up with anger directed at you. Set boundaries. Refuse to allow that abuse. But start to unravel your own anger and where it is coming from. Allow yourself to feel your anger. Take the baseball bat to the pile of pillows (hold it straight over your head with both hands for best results). Go to your car, turn up the radio and scream until you are hoarse. Break glass (safely please). But most of all, write. Write about how much you hate this and that. Write about how you just aren’t going to take it anymore. If your anger is blocked, develop a relationship with the inner defender who is blocking it. I can help you with that through my program.
It is also important to know where your anger is coming from. Look at your own unmet needs and how you can meet them. Squelching your needs will only build on your anger. And often, we mirror that in relationship. If you refuse to allow yourself to do or act certain ways, it is likely you don’t tolerate the same in your husband. For example, if you never let yourself rest, you won’t be very happy when your husband rests. You may not show it openly, but energetically, it is there.
Watch What Happens
So start expressing your anger safely and start taking care of your needs (instead of waiting for others to do it). If you work on your own anger, your husband will do 1 of 3 things:
- He will meet you unconsciously. He will change without knowing why. And he will be grateful to you without fully understanding it.
- He will meet you consciously. He will see the impact of your work and he will choose to be more aware.
- He will leave because you aren’t the person he married. That is true. You aren’t. If he wants to express his anger without boundaries, you are no longer for him.
I have experienced all three reactions from others, and in all three cases, it was exactly what I needed. But this isn’t easy work. I know I am not asking you to take a Sunday stroll. But I have learned that asking someone to work on themselves who doesn’t see the point will only lead to resentment, not growth. He has to find his way. You have to find your way. You can’t control him. And he knows that. The only option is to start with you.
There is good news and bad news in that. The good news is you have control over it. The bad news is you have to do difficult self awareness work. But whether or not your husband joins you on some level, the work is worth it. I promise.
*I fully understand this scenario could be reversed. I also understand this promotes some generalizations. But I am representing the subject as it has come to me. No matter who is outwardly angry, use your relationship as a mirror for your growth.
Very good article.
Thank you.
Thank you for this article. Exactly what I needed to read.
I am glad it helped.
Thank you for your article. It reminds me of the 5 stages of grieving, the second being anger, after denial. This also happens to men. As I got in touch with my anger it was intense at first. My ex wife was passive aggressive and chose to leave the marriage.
Thank you for your comment. It is amazing how many people walked away when I decided to process my anger and stand up for myself. But I am better for it today. And I completely agree it can happen to either gender.
Elisabeth,
Thank you for your sincere reply and heartfelt comments. After my divorce 11 years ago, I went on to do more work in ACOA regarding abuse, trauma and inner child issues. Your comment reminded me of the further loss of my parents and sister who have stayed in denial and blame. Call it processing anger, grief work, inner child work, it is not easy, but I am grateful for many forms of progress and new awarenesses. The realization of multiple traumas and various forms of overt and covert / passive abuse have left me better able to not only spot them in others and gratefully avoid many of the pitfalls again.
One realization has been there is while there is much support for female survivors of trauma / abuse and domestic violence there is little to none available for men. As I have been able to get past the anger, grief and shame there is a new awareness as to how little support there is for men. I know my ex wife’s family had multiple cases of child sexual abuse for which 2 of her family members were incarcerated. When I confronted her about this it was met with denial 3 times. Ironically given the complexity of all of this, even within the church there is little to no support in fact more like rejection. So much for bear one another’s burdens and the church being a hospital for people trying to get well… Have you ever heard of emotional incest? It was one diagnosis I was told to read up on as well as Melody Beatty.
Finally, I must say thank you again, as your story and that of your children serves as hope and encouragement to me and my 14 year old son Adam. You are very beautiful and you and your children appear to be happy in the 2 pictures with them on this site.
Thank you Paul. While I have not been able to shield the kids from all of the family trauma (they experienced the abandonment of the family when I confronted them about the abuse), they will grow up in a very different world than I did. And that I am exceedingly proud of. I have not heard of emotional incest, but I have heard of Melody Beatty. I will look that up.
Elisabeth thanks for your reply and having the courage not only to confront the abusers but also shield your kids and choose a different path for yourself and them.
Abandonment is tough on kids and on you as well. It’s a loss, yet is also a healthy choice you have made.
The suggestion of the book was the answer when I asked about a diagnosis.
The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life
By Dr. Patricia Love
Peace
Paul
It is almost freaky, if you will, the things you write about that I’m thinking about/working on. My Therapist and I just discovered that I have a lot of old anger toward my mother and going to work on what to do with iT. I only recently learned about the anger… by doing some of the self awareness stuff you mention. As I have said before…this is all really hard work. I am so grateful for your notes.
I am so glad you are finding that anger and working on it. It will help you so much to process that. And I am happy this is coming at the right time for you. That does seem to happen, doesn’t it?
Yes. It is crazy. As my perspectives change and I dig through the layers so many things are coming together.. it’s amazing. And still very recent.
Ahh this is perfect for me! Thank you 🙂 my anger comes from his anger directed at me, and i either keep quiet and feel hurt and depressed inside or I get really mad too. Either way we get stuck in cycles of endless bickering. And he does apologise mostly as do I. I just have no idea to get out of it. So triggered when I feel it’s “unfair”! I don’t know how to set a boundary about it! But I will definitely try writing more when the anger comes up. And not edit the swear words. 🙂
Never edit the swear words! The more anger you process, the more boundaries you will set. They will even come somewhat naturally and organically as you get in touch with the anger. It is amazing how much we can change through anger expression.
Thank you for this! I am reading your blog from another corner if the world, and I always have a revelation. I have lived with an agressive father, mostly towards my mom, and a mom that never alloed me as a child to express my anger. She has repressed a lot also, I think. Even as an adult I have problems telling to my mom to what extend I am hurt by her insensitive actions towards me. I accumulated a lot of frustration, that turned into unexpessed anger, that turned into continuous irritability, and this is draining me of energy. I don’t have an aggresive husband, but even though, I get triggered a lot. I am on a jurney myself, trying to find the right path…