It’s almost Mother’s Day again. It comes every year without fail. I try not to play the “society says we celebrate this today” game, but it is hard when I grew up in an environment where conforming was a life or death situation. And even if I attempted to ignore it, I probably couldn’t. My kids are now old enough to remember these days on the calendar. That is great for a single mother on Mother’s Day. But that can be bad when I might otherwise want to pretend it is just another day.
I can get through Mother’s Day because I am a mother. I can do my best to focus my attention on what a great mother I am (most days). I can celebrate myself and all I do. And the kids are great for my ego too. No matter how many times I screw up, they still think I am pretty awesome (except when I make them eat vegetables and clean their room). I usually get some homemade cards or trinkets and that is just perfect for me.
But there is something in the background on this day. There is a dull hum saying “something isn’t quite right”. And that makes sense. I don’t spend Mother’s Day with my mother or my grandmother or any other woman in my family for that matter. I don’t go to the traditional overcrowded and overpriced brunch with 200 of my closest family members to celebrate all the mothers that are keeping the family name alive. It is just me and the kids, and a good friend I am blessed to have in my life.
While I logically know this is much better than the overcrowded, overpriced extended family extravaganza, I still feel that dull hum. And I know what it is. My inner child is still searching for the mother she always wanted. Don’t get me wrong. She isn’t searching for her biological mother … not exactly. She is searching for her biological mother transformed. She wants her to show up in her life as a different person. She wants a kind, patient, loving mother. In other words, she doesn’t want her biological mother.
She wants the impossible. She searches for that one external woman who can be her mother. But that can’t happen. There is only one woman who put her on this Earth and she isn’t willing to fix anything. She isn’t going to solve this problem for my inner child. The only person who can solve this problem is me. I have to step up and be the mother to my inner child. I have to be the one who listens with kindness and patience. I have to be the one who gives her time to explore her passions. I have to be the one who helps her cope with her painful experiences. I have to be the one who helps her transform her beliefs and release herself from the trapped life she lives.
I know all of these things. But nobody taught me any of these things. That’s the irony of this, isn’t it? If I had a mother, I would know how to be a mother to myself, but I wouldn’t need to be. But since I didn’t have a mother, I have to figure out how to be one to myself without much guidance at all. The good news is we have the internet and some great parenting experts who use it. And I also have external children to help me with it. Thank God they are forgiving. But they also let me know when something isn’t working. It isn’t always direct, but they definitely let me know. And as they teach me (sometimes with much pain), I can help myself too.
And one day, I will wake up on Mother’s Day and not feel that dull hum that something isn’t right. I will wake up and know that I can and will meet the needs of my inner parts. I will know that nobody else is necessary to make me happy. I will know that my external circumstances will not be a deterrent for my inner peace. I will know that my life is right here and right now. My life is sitting in front of me. My two children and a breakfast tray of burned toast and soggy cereal will be all I need.
Thanks for the bitter, sweet post Elisabeth. Knowing that we are not alone helps.
I may not have been taught how to be a good mother but I was taught how NOT to behave towards my child.
I had a great example of what mothers should NOT do along with an understanding of narcissistic tendencies.
Best wishes for a pleasant day on Sunday with your children. Hugs.
Happy Mother’s Day to you Elisabeth. One day when your children are older they will come to understand the rare soul power and motherly love you feel for them and what it has taken in you to end the ancestral cycle that you have. Nothing will compare to that feeling one Mother’s Day.
Thank you for that lovely image!
Thank you so much for this post! It’s taken me 51 years to finally realize the necessary boundary that I need to set for my inner child and ultimately for myself. I have been experiencing that dull hum about Mother’s Day. I have not spoken to my mother since Christmas and even then it was very limited. Your post expresses exactly how I have been feeling. I am working on myself and giving myself permission that I do not have to celebrate this day with a woman who’s actions my entire life were she would have been better NOT having me as a daughter. Again, after 51 years I finally realized I will never please her. All these years I have worried about what she thinks of me and then it dawned on me, she should worry about I feel about her. LOL!
I have to say I am healthier mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually having come to this insight.
Thanks again!
Happy Mother’s Day to you!!!
These are such empowering realizations. I can see you releasing yourself from the bonds. Happy Mother’s Day to you too! Do something amazing for yourself on Sunday.
What a great post! Those feelings and thoughts sound so familiar to me-something I am having a hard time with these past few weeks. Thank you for posting it-it helps put some words/meaning to my confused thoughts. Furthermore both you and I are not alone …
We are not alone. 🙂
Good post.
Thank you!
I hope that day of no dull hum comes to you soon! You are an awesome mother (as am I, I tell myself). Despite your faults (and mine, I tell myself).
My mother’s body is alive, but the woman inside [who was my mother] is dead. She forgets my birthday. She’ll forget Mother’s Day. She forgets me. And that’s okay (I tell myself) — because the day isn’t about *her*. The day is to celebrate the _concept_ of Motherhood — not necessarily the _reality_ of Motherhood.
So, big hugs to you Mama! You celebrate Motherhood the way you WANT it to be — and that’s all that matters! xo
That is so true. It really is the concept and not the reality. Sending you love and light on Mother’s Day too.
Thanks for the intimate post, Elisabeth. I am right there with you ~ always nurturing my inner child and allowing my children to love me. Quite a few years ago I was able to forgive my Mother because I finally realized all of the hurt and pain she caused was due to her own trauma(s) that were ignored. She did not have the help available to her that we have today. Her story was beyond tragic. There was no way I could have a Mother in that state. I am still saddened that more help was not available to her. Yes…I look forward to seeing her again someday. No alcohol, drugs, trauma history or the memory of her murder. My real Mother.
Thank you Cheryl. I have found an understanding of my mother which is similar to yours. Even though she is still alive, I will not have her in my life because she has not recovered and is not safe. But I do understand where her behavior came from. That has helped me to release my anger for sure. Sending you love and light.
Im feeling ho hum ba humbug on mothers day i feel no one cares about me i have 2boys one autism and one 17year never do they say happy mothers day or any holiday for that fact when my mom was alive it was all about her.
I hope you are able to do something that shows you care for you on Mother’s Day.
Hello Cheryl,
Thank you for your post about forgiving your Mother. Forgiveness is helped by knowing our Mothers were traumatized and it was ignored.
One thing that still continues to baffle me is how generational all of this is… Passed from Grandparents to parents to us.
My sincere hope is it end here and not be passed to our children.
It makes sense to me you still feel saddened more help was not available. These losses and awarenesses take a long time to grieve.
It was also nice to hear you have hope, of sometime seeing your real mother.
My hope is you both get to experience that joy.
Peace
Paul
Hello Elisabeth, another inspiring and enlightening post. Thank you. You put it so clearly about having to learn to be a mother to our inner parts without having had the experience of mothering ourselves…but that we wouldn’t need to do this if we had!! The irony. This is so helpful because, at times, I don’t know why I don’t know how to soothe myself or don’t know why I don’t care for myself or prioritise myself etc etc. This really helps to make sense of that. I too have an understanding of my mum’s familial and generational trauma, and helps me to see that with what she had at the time she did her best. However I am also clear that it was not ok either what happened to me. One of my inner parts still wants to take care of my mum and neglect my needs to meet her needs, and I have to be very boundaries with this inner child these days. It’s bit her job and never was. Enjoy Mother’s day with your children and friend. Ours was back in March. Thanks again.
Yes! I remember when you had you Mother’s Day. I had a client at that time who lived near you. It is such a global issue for survivors. And many of us have that inner child who wants to sacrifice her needs for the love of others (especially parents). It takes a lot of negotiation and loving patience to find the right balance of boundaries there.
I do also feel loneliness in my heart, but at the same time I can not forget that my mother mostly has done her best to make me and my brothers and sisters sad and hopeless.My inner child deserves that I do comfort her for all the good things and love and support she has never received from her parents.As her mum, now, I see her pain and I can do together with her what makes her glad and cheerful. On step that we must accept is that people are like they are.We can not change them. Now, as adults, we can choose the best people we want close to us.
So true! Thank you!
Elisabeth, I too do not spend holidays with my parents as they too have not recovered. You are one of the first people I have met that understand this. I hope your mother’s day was special with your children and friend.
Thank you so much. Most people struggle to understand this choice, but for some of us, it is absolutely the right thing.