Happiness Is Not a Choice
There are more clichés about being happy than the hairs on my head. Most of them frustrate me. Some of them even trigger me. They may be well-intentioned, but the result of these “happiness” memes and quotes is to invalidate other emotions. And by now, you know my deep commitment to unconditional emotional expression. So when I read “happiness is a choice”, I typically end up screaming at the computer, “No. It’s not!”
Don’t get me wrong. It is possible to stop our thoughts from fueling our emotions. That is absolutely true. But when a feeling comes up in the body (and it comes first contrary to popular opinion), we have a choice. We can shove it back down and defend against it with a mask of happiness. Or we can allow it to flow through like it wants, like it needs, like our inner child needs. One choice denies healing. One choice allows for healing.
All that said, I am acutely aware of the self talk created by my feelings from my traumatic past. Realistically, every single person in first world societies has this same self talk, with or without severe trauma. It runs on a continuum. And since my trauma was severe, my self talk is louder and more obvious. You may have guessed what that self talk says. “I’ll be happy when …”
I’ll Be Happy When I Get a Break
And there is nothing that fuels this self talk more than parenting. I’ll be happy when the kids are sleeping. I’ll be happy when they stop waking up at 6 AM every weekend morning. I’ll be happy when they get out of this phase of life. I’ll be happy when they are grown and self-sufficient. As a single mother with no ex-husband to take the kids on weekends and no close family I would trust with my children, I am especially prone to these thoughts. And there is one thought I hear more than any other. I’ll be happy when I get a break.
Don’t start assuming that I am a bad mother. There is nothing more important to me than motherhood. I am devoted to parenting and my children. If you read my blog regularly, you will know that. But a break would be nice. So when I found out my children would go on a week-long trip to a farm with their third grade class, I was thrilled … and terrified. I was thrilled because of that break I wanted and for the experience my children would have. What a gift to me and them. The reason I was terrified might be more obvious.
But I focused on finally getting that break I wanted. I thought about how much I would get done. I will sleep past 5:30 A.M. I will get the entire house cleaned from top to bottom. I will sleep past 6:00 A.M. I will eat adult food every night for dinner. I will sleep past 6:30 A.M. I might go salsa dancing. I might even sleep past 7 A.M. I will leave the house after 8 P.M. just because I can. That’s just crazy talk right there.
Here Comes the Anxiety
But as the date drew near, I sensed this wasn’t going to be the week of happiness I had hoped for. I could sense the anxiety building. What if they get sick? What if they get so homesick, they are traumatized for life? What if they don’t get enough sleep and drive their teacher crazy with their constant whining? What if they don’t eat the food and fall further off the growth curve? They are already small enough. What if they run out of clothes because they roll around in too much dirt and mud? And of course, it gets worse. What if they get lost in Penn Station? What if there is a train accident? What if the farm catches on fire? And of course, there is the most obvious question based on my background. What if there is a pedophile?
But I know this worry. I know it is based on the childhood fears. But is it possible to be happy during a week away from my children? Is it possible to be happy during that break I had longed for? Or will the anxiety steal it away like normal? Even more importantly, is the break necessary to be happy? The answer is found in one simple question. Where does that self-talk come from?
It comes from childhood. It comes from those inner parts who desperately wanted something to be different in childhood. As a child, I was desperately trying to make things better for myself. I wanted a family that loved me. I wanted a peaceful home. I wanted a mother who wasn’t manipulative and a father who wasn’t a drunk, abusive tyrant. I wanted to be loved. And when I hear that phrase, “I’ll be happy when …” in my head, I know what is happening. My inner child is still searching for something that will make it all better.
What Do I Do About It?
And guess who makes it better. Me. When I hear that voice, it is not time to examine my external world. It is time to go inward. It is time to meet the needs of that inner child by re-parenting her as she needed the first time. It is time to provide her the love she was denied. And there is no amount of external change that will do that for her. Sure. I could get more sleep. I could go salsa dancing. I could eat a salad. And those things help. But that won’t fix the self-talk. That won’t fix “I’ll be happy when…”
So I have that long-awaited break this week. I even get to do a little conference traveling because the universe is kind enough not to leave me by myself all week. But my anxiety will still be here. And my inner child will still need my love. And my inner defender will still need to be heard too. And when the old emotions aren’t flowing through my system, I will find moments of happiness. And it is the same happiness I find when my children are right beside me.
Thank you so much for this post, Elisabeth. All of your posts, actually, but this one is just what I needed to hear in the moment. Especially the part about allowing your feelings to pass through, and giving them the opportunity to resolve, so that healing can happen. So important. Way too often I forget, and get caught up in my thoughts too much. Thanks again for the reminder. 🙂 Nora
Thank you Nora!
Good post. I too believe life has good days and bad days, and you need to accept both as being a part of life and of yourself. Keep up the good work you are doing.
Thank you.
But what did you do to nurture your inner child? How can you nurture yourself when you are alone? I had some wonderful friends take me out for my birthday today and I was grateful but I just could not bring myself to be happy. They all had husbands and family who love them. They all had safe homes to live in and their children are doing well. I’ve spent years trying work on improving my life on all levels but to no avail….
Your inner child needs to be heard. The best ways I reach and nurture my inner child is through journaling. I allow her to express her experiences on paper and I allow her to feel her emotions when she needs to. Let her know you love and accept her unconditionally. It is that deep work that will bring about changes in the external world. It is the only thing that will.
I really needed to hear this today, Thank you.
I am so glad this helped you today.
hi Elisabeth,
sending you love and light for your week. Every thing you wrote was soooooooooooo true for me too and I like you am trying to be the parent to myself that I was so cruely denied. That’s such a positive piece of writing you did as it shows even after severe abuse a person can gain the self love that should have naturally been given by the carers. I’m at that stage where I can begin to believe in life,love and the universe.yay!
Thank you Elisabeth
x yvette x
I am so glad to hear that Yvette. Love and light to you too!
Thank you Elisabeth. I really enjoyed reading it and can so identify. I get so caught up in the thoughts and live in my head…I am trying to consciously move my attention to my body to feel the emotions. I love what you wrote in the comments about letting your inner child know you love and accept her unconditionally. I have been having alot of pain in my body this week and know that my inner child is needing to express something or feels unheard, ignored. I need to journal but, funnily enough, I haven’t! Inner defender is working hard to find things far more important. Thanks for reminding me. I hope you have a good week, and that your children enjoy themselves too.
Thank you Emily. That defender has amazing ways of keep us from journaling. There is no doubt about it. The more you recognize it, the more that will start to shift. You are doing an awesome job of building awareness.
Thank you. I journalled today!
Keep being amazing.
I think happiness is a choice, but it’s a long-term project. It’s not like choosing an ice cream flavour. I think I am there or acceptably close to it. This doesn’t mean all is well 100% of the time. I have emotional flashbacks most days, I had insomnia 2 nights last week, I cried at work yesterday because I had some catastrophically bad news (to me). But I feel deeply contented with my life. It has meaning and purpose and I feel very grounded and connected to myself at least some part of the day. I look around and I think I am happier than most people around me, who (I hope) have fewer challenges. It comes, for me, from being able to manage the emotions that happen through the course of the day, so that I don’t lose the connection to myself or to life regardless of what happens–at least not for that long. It’s really hard when life is non-stop and you can’t catch up to it long enough to rest or to get calm. It’s really, really hard and maybe I am at a point where I am caught up at least sometimes.
I see where you are coming from. As long as happiness is not used as a mask, but as a guideline for building a contented life over time, that is great. I just think that phrase can be misinterpreted.
Hi Elisabeth,
Thank you for writing about happiness, negative self talk, anxiety, inner child reparenting and journaling.
I believe it was in 12 step meetings hearing a quote, “Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.” ― Abraham Lincoln
Every time I see a penny, it reminds me happiness can be a choice, a decision.
Candidly though, as you wrote, our inner voice of negative self talk makes that decision difficult and sometimes out of reach.
Also, I’m reminded happiness is directly related to what happens to us, along with feelings, biases and past beliefs unlike joy.
You mentioned feelings coming up such as anxiety with your children leaving for a week. A long term talk therapy counselor once told me as old anxious feelings are triggered and begin to surface to sit down on my hands for several minutes to let the feelings surface and the past triggering event(s) come up as well. Normally, when I felt anxiety or fear in the past, I would default into keeping so busy as to either not feel the feeling or to disassociate. Well the next time was different. I heard my wife at the time say, “What will the neighbors say”? I began feeling very anxious but remembered to stop and sit down on my hands. I did so and after several minutes the anxiety passed and became tears as I remembered my abusive father yelling at me, “what will the neighbors say”?
In our quest for happiness, few of us are aware as we run on autopilot how much we are driven by anxious, unloved, painful feelings, and negative self talk from the past…
Truth be told most of my writing has been workbook type questions. Most of my journaling happens at night when my mind is spinning and I’m unable to sleep.
I have been doing recovery for about 30 years now and am finding anger, anxiety, fear and depression being replaced more and more by happiness, joy and peace of mind. In the 12 step programs happiness & peace of mind = serenity.
One last belief regarding a choice of happiness around holidays, I’m sure you understand Elisabeth… If I choose time for the holidays / vacation with family it leads to anger, fear, abuse and depression. If I choose time alone, with my son, with a friend or at a restaurant it leads to greater happiness and peace of mind. Yes, there is also sadness over losses but gratitude as well.
Elisabeth, I bid you Peace and Happiness
Paul
I wholeheartedly agree with your approach to recognizing your defenses and then finding presence so you can feel. That is such a critical component to the work of recovery. I personally ask my clients to “interrupt” their defense mechanisms and spend 5 minutes writing from their emotions before they do whatever numbs them. This is so helpful in curbing defenses. Over time, we can see dramatic reductions in anger, anxiety, fear and depression using these methods of awareness. I am so glad you are seeing these results in your own life.
Elisabeth Thank you for your response!
I especially appreciate your comment encouraging your clients to “interrupt” their defense mechanisms and spend 5 minutes writing from their emotions.
It seems to me appropriate as a next step for me. Much appreciated.
Elisabeth, My hope for you and your children is much joy and happiness,
Paul