The Self Blame
Last night, I was hit by a car in my dreams. While many dreams can be symbolic, this had been a reality in my life. I was hit by a car while running on a road when I was in 14 years old. Of course, the jerk driving the car tried to make it my fault for being there in the first place. Sound familiar? My inner defender proceeded to take over and rip him to shreds. (I’m a little proud of that one.)
But in the dream, my inner parts began to express their theories about why I was hit by a car. They decided I must have been going somewhere I should not have been going. They concluded I must have been going somewhere with someone I should not have been with. They were very clear I was at fault for the accident and it was their job to determine why. Of course, the main reason for this evaluation was to ensure we didn’t do that particular thing again.
In the dream, they looked like separate people (this happens in dreams) who were blaming me for the accident. But instead of shrinking under the weight of the accusations, I stood up and explained why that wasn’t how it worked. I told them that bad things happen sometimes. They don’t happen because the person is bad. It is a part of life. Life has both bad and good. Nobody escapes the bad. Although some do seem to get an extra helping of the bad, we are not worse than others.
And I explained karma. There is something that is often missed about karma. It isn’t just about punishment. Karma is much bigger than we think. In my opinion, we make a choice to transform a certain amount of “yuck” for the human race. We make that choice before we get here. And while I often wonder what I was thinking, I also understand that so far, I have had the strength to handle it. I don’t feel like I do every day, but I know I am managing it.
My inner parts seemed to take in these explanations, but there were doubts of course. This is significant to me because I have never had a dream where I wasn’t overwhelmed by the others. Often I am not in charge. Often I am struggling to meet their needs or stop them from creating chaos. This felt different. They weren’t quiet, but they were willing to listen. There was a brief period of respect for what I had to say.
And I loved having the opportunity to relieve the pressure of self-blame for them. I loved that they could leave the conversation with a little less weight on their shoulders. The car accident was clearly not our fault. The driver wasn’t paying attention and he hit me at an intersection with a stop sign. Of course, he tried to blame me because he was scared to death. He probably thought he would go to jail. But this event didn’t happen because I was bad, I was doing something bad, or I was hanging around a bad person.
But Why?
So while we all wrestle with our understanding of why bad things happen to people, we struggle to find the real answer. We have blamed ourselves for our own bad things, so we can’t possibly avoid blaming others for their bad things. We don’t widely accept the idea that bad things happen for uncontrollable reasons because of fear. How could that be? If that is true, we can’t make sense of it with our cognitive brains. And that is scary. If that is true, there is no way for us to control those things while in human form. And that is scary. So we search for meaning, a less scary understanding. And we usually end up assuming the victim is to blame.
But when we have been through complex trauma, this is the most dangerous. We can’t possibly see ourselves as worthy and deserving in this life with all that self-blame underneath the surface. But that self-blame seems like the only safe answer to that famous question, “Why do bad things happen to me?” So we maintain that. And we suffer because of it.
But it can be shifted. It takes time and many inner conversations, but it can shift. Over time, as we learn to allow for the uncontrollable, as we learn that we are not actually in charge of much, as we learn to accept that idea, we can embrace the idea that there is nothing wrong with us. As we let go of our need for a clear and concise answer, we find relief from guilt and self-blame. As we learn to have just a small amount of faith, we can start to live without constant fear. As we let go of our need to control, we find freedom. And when bad things happen, maybe, just maybe, we can give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.
Always enjoy your posts! Thank you.
I had a dream where I was a child again and I was telling about the abuse and my abuser was being taken away. In the dream I felt powerful and hopeful. That didn’t happen in real life but I thought the dream was positive.
That is a very positive dream. Have you been speaking up? It sounds like an inner part feels empowered.
As always this hits home with me like a Mack truck! Thank you for opening up and sharing! I love the way you express ideas! Thank you
Thank you Julie. I love bringing these ideas to the survivor community and finding those amazing similarities we all seem to have. I feel so much less isolated this way.
I am new to this group and you… and, of course, your stories. This resonates with me so much. I am looking forward to more.
Thank you Victoria. I am glad you have found this community. I look forward to hearing from you as you read.
You’re incredible, Elisabeth. Love the dream, how your parts acted and listened, and the bigger meaning.
I struggle with remembering dreams and when I do remember, they are outright nightmares of torture, animal abuse, prisons, etc. I know they’re not representative of my past, but they shake me up, nonetheless. I’m just starting to get to the point where I can ask, what is this trying to tell me, without being overwhelmed.
Wow. Those are tough dreams. Before I started my recovery, my dreams were either being chased and killed, or I was drowning (emotions). In early recovery, I did a month-long dream writing project and it helped to get those written. Looking back, it was amazing how many were actually my unrecovered memories. The only way I remembered them was to write them down before my feet hit the floor in the morning. The minute I did anything, the dream was gone. My defender had removed it from my consciousness.
My dreams have always been nightmares, and just like yours,I’m always being chased. People always trying to hurt me in some way and I am powerless.
Yes! Those powerless dreams are coming from our inner child. She is asking for help. Do you write from her? It can be so helpful to let her write.
I do that too. I have been healing myself through dreams and I love the first time I stood up for myself. I just turned around and faced my chaser. It was life changing! I have been working through most of my pain through my dream analysis. It works better than anything else I tried.
I love working with dreams too. There is so much powerful information from the unconscious in our dreams.
Great post as always Elisabeth! What an empowering dream. I especially identify with my younger self feeling my childhood trauma was my fault. I have worked with my younger parts for years talking to them about trauma not being their fault. They were convinced I must be bad if bad things kept happening to me. I’m so grateful that my younger parts due believe me at this point that none of me was to blame & that the adults in my life failed to protect me. It was their job to keep me safe, not mine.
Exactly. Thank you for doing all that hard work Donna!
hi Elisabeth,
Totally get what your saying. I’m 48 and I always believed all the bad things that happened to me were my fault.For me to have suffered so much I must have been bad. I know this is my child logic and also I was told I was bad. The cycle/conditioning of self-blame is hard to break. With my adult head I know this is not true. I’m working hard to free myself and I am getting rid of this way of thinking….slowly….. :)Thanks for your writings Elisabeth xx
Thank you Yvette. It is a slow process. I often say our inner parts are “evidence-based” in their views. They have a lot of “proof” they are right. 🙂
Elisabeth,
It is good to hear
this! Actually , I needed to hear this as a reminder ..I don’t know about anyone else who has experienced trauma but I blame myself a lot for the bad things that happen to me .. Sometimes I ask God, are you punishing me & why do I deserve so much pain. (emotional)
I have this invisible baseball bat that I constantly beat myself over the head with. (in my mind’s eye) Blaming myself for the bad,I feel I invited into my life !
Thank you for a great post ! Melinda
You are not alone Melinda. It is so easy to take those childhood experiences and make them our fault when we are children. And then we grow up and can’t drop that habit. This is a hard one.
Hi I’m new to this. I’m looking back and I don’t really have dreams but I turned 60 not to long ago. I left a two year abusive relationship two weeks ago. It brought back memories of my childhood when I told my mom what had happened cuz I was afraid she was going to leave me with him again she confronted him and he stopped talking to me for a long time I had to earn his trust back. My emotions get mixed up. He was my step dad. I kept trying to prove to my ex boyfriend I wouldn’t hurt him and he could trust me. But I left him and reported them and abuse. His denial that he did nothing wrong it was all my fault. I’m working on it and am going to a women’s group once a week. Just thought I’d share thank you.
Yes! These patterns are so hard to break. We are taught that it is our fault and we have to do everything possible to “earn” others’ love. It impacts every relationship because we lose our ability to be authentic and confident in who we are. I would say that is the biggest part of recovery – to learn how to be real again (or for the first time).
I tried for a long time to rescript my dreams so they weren’t so frightening or didn’t last so long into the rest of my day. I finally found medicine (Prazosin) that prevents nightmares. It has changed things for me now that my dreams aren’t so real and impactful in my life. Perhaps I will try rescripting them while on this medicine.
I am so sorry they were intrusive in that way. Dreams can be powerful messengers from our unconscious – sometimes too powerful.
this is so good. I met many kf my parts initially in dreams so its great to see the inner workings of others. I blame myself for everything and Im really tired. I long for a day when peace takes over all if my inner world. thanks again for putting words to what others are experiencing.