Hello everyone. This is the Inner Defender here. I sometimes go by Beth, but defender, protector and all sorts of relatively derogatory names have been used. Some days I mind. Some days I don’t. I like to keep it as inconsistent as possible. That really gets under Elisabeth’s skin. And to be fair, we are a conglomeration of defenders, so inconsistency is inevitable.
I haven’t been a big fan of Elisabeth’s recovery journey. I admit I thought the whole thing was stupid. It was incredibly risky to take on the past emotions like that. Anything could have happened. We could have died. Not to mention, emotional pain just isn’t very much fun. Personally, I was fine with keeping those emotions under the surface. I mean really. Society doesn’t like them. Nobody wants to see anybody cry, including me. I’ve got better things to do with my time. And if those emotions were going to kill us, that wouldn’t make us any different from everyone else walking around with endless health problems. But I put up with her reckless pursuit of the truth because honestly, I couldn’t stop her.
But she stepped it up a notch when she opened her mouth about it. I mean seriously. It was like a suicide mission or something. She was trying to get us killed. How many times did I have to show her the death threat memories? How many times did I replay the violent attacks for her? But nothing worked. There she was blabbing it all over the internet. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And then she quit her cushy corporate job to coach survivors about trauma recovery? What? That is when I knew she had lost it. I lost it. I knew we were doomed. I knew we were going to be homeless. What about the kids? And she was doing this all because of her intuition, her higher self, something she couldn’t even prove was real? Crazy, I tell you.
I have to admit that things haven’t been as disastrous as I thought. I will even admit that I might have been wrong about a few things. But my strategies worked when we were growing up. Elisabeth will admit that anytime. I kept us safe, so she could eventually take over. I’m not 100% on board with her antics. Sometimes I still think she has lost her mind. But I am coming around a little. In the end, I know she needs me. She tells me all the time.
And that brings us to this blog. She asked if I would write to you about some of my favorite defenses, the stuff that really stumped her. So here goes.
1) Confusion. This might not seem like a defense mechanism, but that is why it is so great. When I get concerned about her direction, Elisabeth can read or hear something over and over again and still not make sense out of it. I know exactly how to make it unclear until she drops the idea for a while.
2) Dissociation. Dissociation is well known these days. I worked hard to keep most traumatic memories hidden with the inner children. In the worst cases, I could just take over, put her to sleep or send her far away from her body. But dissociation can be used in small ways too. Sometimes it can show up as forgetfulness. If Elisabeth would get an idea in her head that I didn’t like, I could just make her forget. Sometimes, she would write it down only to find the piece of paper months later.
3) External manifestations. No. I’m not God or anything. But energy attracts things. And when she would get on a roll, all hell could break loose in her daily life. Suddenly, the car would break down and the dog would get sick in the same day.
4) Body manifestations. If I really wanted to stop her in her tracks, there was always illness. Anything would do really, as long as she had to rest for a while. And because she was such a willful one, she would often keep going until she got really sick.
5) Sleep Interruption. A tired Elisabeth is an unproductive Elisabeth. With all that trauma and inner turmoil, a lack of sleep is just what I need to put her over the edge. Anxiety at 3 AM is often just enough to render her useless the next day, especially if she has a lot planned. All I have to do is get her thinking about finances and it is all downhill from there.
6) Doubts. My favorite strategy was to tell Elisabeth all my doubts. She rarely knew it was me. She thought she was thinking those things. And I wasn’t lying. I believed all of these things. I would just tell her that it was a crazy idea, it would never work, doom was certain, she didn’t deserve good things, anything that made her question her direction.
7) Paralysis. There is nothing more difficult for a willful person than to have a list with no physical motivation or ability to get it done. She would sit looking at her list for hours without the ability to start working on anything. I know those moments were incredibly difficult for Elisabeth, but sometimes, I had to do it.
In the end, I did my job and I did it well. I kept us safe. And while the jury is still out on Elisabeth’s new approaches, I have joined in her quest for now (sort of). However, I reserve the right to stop the madness if things get out of hand. I mean really. We all know I know best.
Wow…I really needed to read all of that today. Thank you for sharing that. I am relatively new to this site and have never posted before. Your wisdom and recovery has helped me a lot. I too have a very strong and powerful inner defender who uses many different strategies. It was great to see how you have broken down the ways that your inner defender operates. I have only recently realised this for myself and it has been really useful. Sometimes it is so subtle I don’t realise it’s happening. Often though it is extremely powerful and completely highjacks me. I am working on being less highjacked. Thank you for your contribution to my recovery journey.
Thank you Emily. And I am so glad to hear you recognize your own inner defender. It is our awareness that changes everything. Love and light to you on your journey.
Thank you for this. I am turning 46 this month & am just now trying to deal with all of the trauma fall out. I never thought about these thing’s you have listed, as being a inner defender. I am almost overwhelmed realizing how much damage has actually been done & how much work I must put in to be at peace, if at all possible.
Hi inner defender! I am another inner defender. Good job! Take care of your Elisabeth as I will take care of my “Elisabeth”. They need to be stopped. Is ok if this is happening only from time to time too. Even if they are right, a break will keep them alive and sane, otherwise they can get crazy or lost their minds. We need to protect them.
Hello my friend. I know you are right. Great minds think alike.
I may add another one: ” I give her repressed memories so, she will disconnect and forget about this madnesses “
I have noticed that sometimes the inner defender will let us have access to some memories to “appease” us, but won’t give us everything.
Wow “Beth” this is exactly my life at this moment. Only had this happen one other time two years ago. (Think it’s a middle-age thing cause I used to be fearless.) Trying to shake ALL of these right now. Need to change career and locate my inner Viking. Any suggestions from Elisabeth or “Beth” are welcome.?
From Beth: Give in. The inner defender is all powerful.
From Elisabeth: Have you tried writing from your inner defender? I wrote a blog titled “A Different Inner Conversation” that gives a good example of letting her speak without censorship. I find that consistent writing tones down the self sabotage substantially.
Thank you for sharing these. I’m new here, somewhat anyhow, and the more I read the more I feel like I could be writing what I’m reading. So. Many. Similarities. Startling really. Good though too because I’m really committed to healing. Thanks again.
Thank you Amy. I am glad you are here. There really are so many spooky similarities in our journeys.
Hey,my ID says you forgot one of her favourites: rationalization. She loves laying down seemingly logical reasons to do or not do things. After all,who can argue with logic?
Yes! I actually just created a poster for my page that discusses that exact thing. I should have included that one too. My ID is famous for her use of logic, and more importantly, being the only logical one.
BRAVO BETH & ELISABETH!!! You have come so so far. Your sharing helped me understand my inner defender. I like that name so much better than the negatives ones I’ve used in the past. Keep going, please keep sharing. Thank you.
Thank you from the both of us.
This is excellent. I have an inner defender who tries to keep me from taking responsibility for my life. My favorite quote from the film Revolver, “You have heard that voice for so long you think it’s your best friend”.
Exactly! One of most effective steps in this work is realizing we are not our defenders.
I am amazed at the onsite . It’s spot on . I would just love for all the nightmears to go away so I could rest peacefully at night knowing the net morning I am not gonna wake to hearing some awful story of me screaming of me begging for my mother to get this man off me .Thease dreams keep me locked
I am so sorry Precious. Have you tried to write from your inner child? You could write the dream or you could write the memory or the feelings from the memory. Allow her to have a voice and the dreams may start to dissipate.
Oh I cry for you Precious- truly . I wish you didn’t have to have gone through that.
My inner defender and I laughed when I read the list….I laughed because Now I know what was actually happening and also why. My inner wild defender says: AHH Caught! It took you a while though!
I thank my 2 Inner defenders that just laughed with me-they tried to hide the painful memories to help me not die. But now that we know about each other and the cat is out of the bag about the defenses. we can talk in out in the open more. Im willing.Even though I know my older defender still thinks I am a fool for going down this road…I would like to ask her to write to me some more…
What a great beginning for your relationship with your inner defenders!
Bravo, Elisabeth for recognizing the power of this voice and discerning it’s role in your life and teaching others! Learning this in my late twenties is what truly helped turn my life around, but boy is she sly & sneaky! The stronger I get and the more you try to help others, the more manipulative my defender gets….just as you know. It may take me a day, week or month, but eventually I figure her out and keep pushing along. I’m proud of ALL of you for taking the time to recognize we are not our defenders! 🙂 I love that we have so many similarities ~ this is how we connect.
Yes! This defender work is even more powerful in our healing journey than the inner child work. I am committed to telling everyone who will listen and consider it. And you are right. The similarities are uncanny. I am proud of you too. Keep talking about it.
O.M.D Elisabeth!
I so connected with this piece. Especially believing I was gonna die. As a adult now, I know I wasnt/am not but as a child I felt that in my very being. Thats what makes us true surviours. Overcoming this belief. At the moment , in my recovery, I am getting sooooooooooooooo angry, for what I suffered. I want to be like you; you are clear and the way you acknowledge all the seperate bits is amazing. Me, I’m still one big pot of mixed up emotions.Big love to you x
Allow yourself to be angry Yvette. Write from the anger and don’t censor yourself. Embrace it. That is a big step in self-acceptance.
Wow. I am 34 and just in the past couple of months have I even started to notice/deal/manage any of this stuff. My inner defender has come out in the form of anxiety – last summer – and it’s been quite the 9 months since. However, the silver lining has been that I have recently accepted that I did survive trauma and I am in a place where I am sad, angry and… some days.. feeling very open to exploring what is going on inside of my mind. It is all so confusing – to actually feel a variety of emotions that don’t just present themselves as anger or fear of doing/saying things. I love the way you describe the inner defender and all of that bullying that goes on in there… I think this might help give me another way to look at it. Thank you.
Yes! The inner defender is famous for anxiety. I am so glad you are embracing that new reality so you can work toward healing. That is such a powerful step.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I have made much progress at all… and it sure is hard/confusing work. But, I am trying to be patient as this is still all new to me.
This work does take patience, which is a bit ironic, because most of us were never taught that. I am sure you are making more progress than you think. It is usually the case for me.
I was cycling this morning, grounding myself after a challenging family Christmas on the 23rd. I have found it difficult to sense my Inner Defender. Suddenly as I cycled along two examples came to me as clear as I could hope. They were behaviours & associated thoughts associated with difficult scenarios in which I feel I have let down my wife & adult children. Nice to have some concrete examples to work with.
It is amazing how they come to us when we aren’t actively thinking about them. I hope they bring amazing realizations for you. Sending love and light at this Christmas.
Thank you. You help me understand my daughter so I can be a patient mom. Poor kid is just starting her journey. Your insight and humor is stunning.
Thank you Lora. I’m glad I could help.