Existential Questions
Have you ever noticed that the most difficult emotion to express is the emotion that is most opposite to your strength? I have a willful personality. Giving up is not a part of who I am. If it was, I probably would not be here today. So when the feeling of futility hits me, it knocks me down, leaving me paralyzed, unable to reconcile between that old victim self and my pure version of self.
That victim self loves to steer my mind in an existential direction. Why am I here? This isn’t different than most people. I think we all wonder why we are here. The existential debate will live on as long as there are people roaming the Earth. That being said, I think the confusion runs a little deeper when we have a childhood of trauma. It can lead to some pretty extreme interpretations. My father, who undoubtedly had a lifetime of trauma, was a staunch atheist. There is nothing wrong with that. But I remember thinking, “He better hope there isn’t a God. Otherwise, he’s in trouble.”
While my questions can run deep, I also wonder about everyday life. Why do I continue to run on this hamster wheel of life? Why do I repeat the same thing every day in my own personal version of the Groundhog Day movie? Why am I making so many attempts to live a better life? Is it working? But more importantly, why bother? Am I really making any difference at all? What is the point in going bowling? What is the point in cleaning the bathroom? What is the point in waking up every morning and pushing forward? What is the point in writing one more article about trauma? What is the point in answering one more email?
I think these questions stem from a deeper traumatized place within me. When I was a child, I used my will power to fight back. I made plans. I fought hard to be perceived as normal. I worked hard to excel at school and work despite my heavy dissociative defense mechanisms making it hard to function. Over and over, I came close to finding a purpose for living, a purpose that was grounded in our society’s standards. But each time, I was thwarted.
It could have been a bully that embarrassed me in front of the people I was trying to impress. It could have been a missed goal because my trauma got the best of me on the wrong day, a day that counted, and I could not perform up to par. It could have been my family working behind the scenes to guarantee a failure, limiting my confidence and making me easier to control. But one way or another, it always seemed to happen.
The Past Runs Deep
And now that I am an adult, and have much more control of my life, I sometimes feel as though I am not. I struggle with the futility of trying to reach a difficult goal. I struggle to believe that I could pull off a dream. I struggle to see how I could do it, how it could be possible. And I don’t struggle because I am not capable. I struggle because my efforts never worked before. My efforts always ended in disappointment. And that part of me born out of trauma is absolutely convinced that failure is inevitable. Even when all the logic points to success, the questions remain:
When have you succeeded before?
When have your efforts paid off?
Why is this any different?
And I try to explain to the victim self this time is different. This time, I am aligned with the higher good. I am on a path of truth, trust and courage that is directly connected to higher self’s striving. This is different because it is not about will. It is not about lies. It is not about supporting my mask of normalcy. It is not about protecting evil. It is about the truth.
But that part is not easily convinced. That part sees this latest endeavor as a logical extension of the rest of my life. And it can be hard to argue with that opinion. It is often true that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. But this is different. I am on a path. And my ego self is not in the driver’s seat. And neither is that victim part. This is the part where trust must take over.
And the only way to trust is to put the past behind me.
I so relate to this! It is really hard to keep believing and keep living when other parts remind me of my past and all the bad things I’ve believed about myself. I really want to trust now though.
Thank you for your comment. I am right there with you. I desperately want to trust, but I have to bring all parts of me to that place of trust. Its a work in progress but I’m not giving up.
Hi, just wanted to say that I recognize a lot of what you described. It’s so hard to recognize old behavior and the way we think etc. Sometimes I really notice that I am making progress. Other times I feel down and I dissapointed at where I am at my life at 40 ! As far as meaning of life; my children still need me and I try not to think about the “big” meaning of life, I really don’t know if there is “a bigger” meaning then just “nature”. What keeps me going; I have had 10 really happy years and I know that At that time I didn’t think about “the big meaning” life just went by and I had lots of idea’s and energy . I really hope that I will get there again someday. As for you; what you’re doing with this site etc, I think that you’re doing an amazing job !
Thank you so much Sarah. I do go back and forth too. Some days, I feel like I have moved mountains in my recovery and other days, I think I haven’t done a thing. My children definitely keep me moving forward on the bad days. I am so glad you have had 10 happy years. That is wonderful.
Another beautiful post. Your words help put things into focus.
Thank you so much Maria.
I so relate to this! Thank you for sharing and I’m so proud of how far you have come. <3 This week I am working hard on getting self-compassion going. I believe this will be key for me in turning this corner. Like you, I am a fighter and I all too often go in with a fighting attitude. What I am learning about me is that even though that attitude brings me many things I couldn't get, that self-compassion (and maybe eventually self-love) will be what truly makes the difference.
That is brilliant. I do believe you are right about that. Since I have learned to cooperate with and embrace my whole self, my recovery has taken off by leaps and bounds. That being said, it is always a work in progress.
Yes,a twisting journey, a healing jig (my attempt at humour in all this). I like to think of the Tolkien quote “Not all who wander are lost” as a good metaphor. There is a lot of wandering I do too.
Xo
Oh yes. I often tell people I am on a spiral of healing. I seem to come back around at a deeper level. It feels like regression but it is not.
Your timing with this post is perfect for me. I’m at an impasse of feeling lost with my plan for starting a career. I’m finally able to work in a career after so many years of healing work. I think I’m being guided to let my current plan go, open my heart, and see where I’m guided. I put so much pressure on myself, but I think I need to let go a bit and give myself a break.
Elisabeth, your plan looks clear & I’m happy for you. You are such an inspiration to me. I pray I keep my faith in my path becoming clearer when it’s the right time and that you stay the course with your because watching you do what you do, helps others.
That is lovely. Thank you. It sounds like you are doing some great work on your path. And your encouragement for me on my path is certainly helpful too. 🙂
Hi, my name is Natalie,
It sounds like you have/ are achieving a great many things and have to overcome your own obstacles and I think that’s fantastic. Well done. I had a query if you don’t mind? I have done a few years at college and am now doing my degree and I don’t know how I’m doing it. I feel like everyday is a struggle to get up and I at some point every day contemplate suicide – it is something I’ve lived with since I was 14 I am now 27. There isn’t a day I don’t think everybody would be better off without me. My query is do you think that after so long it’s possible to get past this. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences
Hi Natalie, I am so sorry to hear about your pain, but I am inspired by your will to keep going. I do think it is possible to get past it. The hopelessness and suicidal ideation are based on past experiences that have not been processed, but you can process them. It also helps to remember that these emotions are not about the present moment, that you do have options today that weren’t available when you were a child. You don’t have to die to escape your pain, but you cannot run from it either. I would also like to mention that I am writing an article that will post this Wednesday specifically about suicidal ideation because I have heard from so many people about this issue lately. I think it is affecting people globally right now. There may be something we are working through on a communal level. The article will cover some of my ideas on working through those feelings. I hope it helps you. Please let me know.
Thank you for another great post. I constantly compare myself to others and always come up short which leads me to question why I even bother. I feel like there is some genetic flaw inside myself. Your articles help me know I’m not alone.