The Battle for Control
During my recovery work, I have gone through several phases of perception about control. When I was a kid, it was obvious that I was not in charge. It was very clear. I wanted to be autonomous more than anything in the world. Even as a kid, I would have traded my life of abuse for a life on my own. But that wasn’t my story. So I was not in charge. And I knew it.
I tried to take control any way I could. I told people about my abuse. I fought back. I lied to my abusers and others who I viewed as dangerous. I tried to meet my abusers’ needs. And in the end, I dissociated, because nobody could hurt me when I was in my own world.
As I grew older, I came to know a different world. When my circle of influence shifted from family to external friends, intimate partners and eventually a spouse, I realized that once again, I was not in charge. I had moved from abuse in the home to abuse outside the home to abuse in the home again. My lack of knowledge in the most basic relational aspects of boundary setting and empathic communication led to an early adulthood of abuse and manipulation.
I tried to take control back from these bullies and abusers. I tried to be who people wanted me to be and lost myself in the process. I tried to meet the needs of others to no avail. And when all else failed, I expressed enough rage to push them away.
From the Physical to the Spiritual
As I began my recovery journey, I quickly came to a new understanding. I was not being controlled by other people. There was another entity in charge. I transferred the responsibility from external people to an external spiritual entity. It was that entity that was in charge. Now, this is not a religious blog post. You may refer to this entity as God, Buddha, spirit, the universe or any other god or goddess. My point is that I started to transfer responsibility to something greater than myself, something outside this physical world.
Unfortunately, at first, the relationship I established with this entity still mirrored my relationships with people. It was punitive, manipulative and a bit abusive. I was still looking to take control on some level. I found myself making deals with this entity, trying to please, wondering why this entity was punishing me for my mistakes and hoping I could meet the needs so that I could be rewarded, finally.
During the past seven years, this relationship has morphed. As I have grown my confidence and self-worth, I have come to understand this entity differently. The world around me looks less punitive and manipulative. My inner temper tantrums lessened as I realized that I was being guided in a new direction with my best interest in mind. And just recently, everything changed.
Everything Changed
After a three-week stint of deep depression, it suddenly struck me. “I” am not in charge. But I am in charge. That spiritual entity was not external. It was directly connected to me. That spiritual entity was the god in me, my own higher self. All along, through all the tantrums, through all the anxiety, through all the worrisome nights, I was in charge. My ego self was not in charge because it should never be left in charge. My ego self is supposed to be a servant to my higher self, but my ego self doesn’t want that role, so I have been blinded to my reality. But I caught a glimpse of it. And now, every time I start the whirlpools of anxiety in my head, I can say, “Wait. I am not in charge. My higher self is handling the stuff I can’t control. I just need to do what I can, what I know. The rest will happen when I am ready.”
This is a remarkable change in my perception which has left me somewhat speechless and honestly, with much less to worry about. I am not in charge. I don’t have to worry about what I cannot control because I was never meant to control it. How liberating. How beautiful. How terrifying.
You see. Most of my sense of safety has come from a perception of being in control, of being in charge, when in reality, I never was. And now, I have to admit the truth. I have never controlled any of it.
And I don’t need to. There is no point.
She’s got this.
I mean … I’ve got this.
Another excellent post, Elisabeth. As your story unfolds I become more of an admirer of your courage, persistence, transparency and testimony. God bless. And you are so spot on — we never are in control. Once I realized that and allowed God to be in control, my entire life changed. God bless.
Thank you Steven!
Im in that 3 week place…the depression part. Want to scream at “God” to just tell me already what He wants from me or else just LEAVE ME ALONE and here I’m reading this. Word for word I can relate. Healing is bringing me to the same place. Whispers of “it doesn’t matter” and “you don’t have to try so hard” and even a sense that I don’t need to do so much inner healing work- that I’m okay just like this. Ok in the tantrums etx… But can you say more? Your higher self is in charge…? What does it mean?
Thank you Lorissa. I have a sense that there is a part of me (a part closer to source or a spiritual entity) that is manifesting my life, and my ego self, the one who utilizes thought mostly, is here to support that effort, but not to run the show. When I get caught up in the things I cannot control, when I start wondering how something could possibly happen the way I want it to, I have started to sense two things. 1) It probably won’t happen the way my ego self wants it to. 2) There’s a good chance that it will end up better.
those points are very very helpful. I’ve been doing healing touch work and it’s been pointing me in this direction but having words to put to it are nice. My energy worker keeps saying all my chakras are open (have done major psyche work this year) and that I’m ready and it’s so frustrating to my ego. Really defeating. Thank you for writing. We will see how it all unfolds…! Blessings.
what a great and true insight!!
here is a short talk that relates to your epiphany: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cBOosYfecAc
Thank you. I will take a look at it.
Elisabeth I have just found this post, through Janet Lansbury’s fb page.
Thank you for your honesty here. I have had almost lifelong depression, and grew up with a very misogynistic father, and an emotionally and physically abusive mother.I feel I can relate somewhat although not sure I can say my suffering was at your level.
However, I do flashback to the beatings, there are a few that I remember vividly, but sometimes sense that is just a part of the abuse. Possibly the beatings were more often.
However, something you have said about flashbacks, makes me wonder if my mother was suffering this, when she beat me. Perhaps my crying, or constant talking created painful memories for her, which she sought to close down by hitting me.
Mom was trapped in an emotionally abusive marriage, and her husband (my father) had many affairs, and eventually left her and us.
I thank you for this insight.
I wish you well as you continue on your healing. I continue to heal too.
It is interesting how coming to terms with how our childhood is affecting our parenting can help us understand what our parents were experiencing. It doesn’t excuse the abuse, but it clarifies why I may have happened. I wish you well in your healing too.
So vulnerable and real, my friend. This stood out to me:
“You see. Most of my sense of safety has come from a perception of being in control, of being in charge, when in reality, I never was. And now, I have to admit the truth. I have never controlled any of it.
“And I don’t need to. There is no point.”
The reason I love this is because in surrendering control, you also move towards releasing responsibility (it’s my fault) and shame. So as hard as it is to surrender control, which feels needed sooo much for safety, it is one of the bigger parts of healing.
For me, when I’m consciously releasing it, I feel my heart rate accelerate, I get tunnel vision (even with my eyes closed) and subsequently things get darker. My breath grows shallow and slow. My body tenses and my skin tingles. In some ways I feel very alive, likely because of the adrenaline rush. But I’m also completely detached from reality.
When I’m able to reconnect again, I’m emotionally fragile, like a newborn. My skin and body also feel hypersensitive and young. I feel my heart beating sturdily. I become aware of my breath and in doing so, intuitively inhale deeply. I scan around me for threats. And eventually, I return to not entirely trusting and wanting to be in control, but with a sliver of this new experience inside me that will be the touchstone to try again tomorrow.
Xo
Wow! That is an amazing description of your healing journey (and the spiral it takes). Thank you!
`The reason I love this is because in surrendering control, you also move towards releasing responsibility (it’s my fault) and shame. So as hard as it is to surrender control, which feels needed sooo much for safety, it is one of the bigger parts of healing.´
Thanks for these
Yesterday I became aware of my self punishing beliefs. It is as if I am preventing myself from seeing the broken child inside me. I am ashamed and want to hide her. I share this to give me courage to find a way to reach her.
I love this! You are so brave. Thank you for being willing to make this statement and let her know you see her. It is such a tremendous step forward.
I almost feel like I have been trying to protect my lesser self from harm….I try to control my situation, so as to protect my inner child from hurting anymore. I also am doing this with my children now, which is causing me troubles.I have to let them experience pain in life but it feels like it is happening to me all over again..The pain is exaggerated and I am aware but it still frightens me so much at times that I just want to run away and hide.
Yes! This definitely sounds like the controller part who likes to protect by avoiding triggers and anything risky. The controller also happens to be a part who loves to be in charge. 🙂