Stronger Than You Realize by Kris Rozelle
Dear Inner Child,
You’ve been through so much and I am not sure how you coped. Your strength inspires me with every memory I recover. I know you are the reason we are alive today. And I thank you for all you did to keep going. Sometimes, others ask me how I lived through it and I don’t know the answer. You carried that burden. And to some extent, you still do.
Unfortunately, some of those approaches you used to stay alive might be setting us back these days. The dissociation, the isolation and the anxiety were perfect coping strategies in an environment of prolonged and inescapable trauma. But we aren’t there anymore. We live in a different world, a more benign world. Sure, there are still plenty of people who need an attitude adjustment (or much more). And the days when the kids just don’t care about boundaries can be a little rough. But in the current reality, there is safety, the kind you never knew as a child.
And I know you are tired. I know you are tired of the inner battles, the panic attacks and the attempts to thwart situations for which you should never have been responsible. And that is just it. You should not have to understand the adult dilemmas you were once expected to figure out. And I am here to tell you that you don’t have to anymore.
Why? Because there’s an adult here now. Not the kind of adult you are used to. Not the kind of adult that tells you lies, gains your trust and then invades your boundaries. Not the kind of adult that manipulates you to believe that all the pain is your fault. This is an adult with your best interest in mind. This is an adult that never wants to hurt you. This is me, you, just older. And I want what you want. I want peace.
But peace doesn’t come the way you think it does. It doesn’t come by hiding or avoiding all difficult situations and people. That was the only option you had as a child. And I commend you for using it to stay alive. But today, peace comes from listening to that inner calling, that larger purpose. Peace comes from standing up for myself and not worrying about what that other person thinks of me, or if they will retaliate later. Peace comes from knowing I am the full expression of my being.
I know you don’t agree. I hear you loud and clear. Some refer to their voice as an inner critic. They even talk about drowning it out or ignoring it. But I know better. I know you are a scared child and you are afraid of changing. You are afraid the change might result in death, or even worse, further abuse. While you may be critical, you are just trying to be protective. I don’t want to drown you out. I want to work with you. I want to cooperate. I want to use your knowledge to help us grow and become stronger. Your caution is needed. But so is my passion for purpose. And the more we integrate, the closer we will come to the peace we both seek.
Because the inner division will never bring peace. And since neither of us can have it completely our way, we will either continue without peace or we will work together. And with peace comes a meaningful life. They are the same. They must be.
So today I appeal to you, my child. And I know you aren’t sure what to think because honestly, nobody has ever appealed to you before. You have always been told what to do. You have always been forced to be someone different. And I know you don’t trust me. But I appeal to you anyway. And I will wait until you can understand that I am not here to manipulate or take advantage of you. But I would like you to let me take care of that adult stuff that is just too much for a child to take on. I would like you to let go, just a little, so I can do for you what nobody ever did, let you be a child, let you grow and develop in the way you were never allowed. And as you do, all that you are will become who I am. And we will be together, living life in a unified inner world.
And you will finally be able to rest.
You will finally be able to close your eyes without fear.
You will finally find peace under my wing.
You will be home.
Love,
Me … And You
WONDERFUL! Thank you!
Dear Elizabeth,
Wow, what a beautiful letter to those parts of you who have been so broken, misguided, scared and doing all they can so you all could survive. We’re all stronger than we realize! I did a piece of digital artwork titled “Your Stronger Than You Realize” tonight in honor of your story and our own quest for peace in the midst of the journey to healing. (If you would like to see it, I can send it somewhere. )
Let me say, I sat fist to cheek in tears reading your blog as I contemplated my own letter to child alters who have taken ritual abuse, incest from multiple family members, the sex trafficking, and being less than a human in my stead. My heart melted at the love you have for your parts and it reminded me of myself. I choose to see them as family..it’s not the who I always say, but the do (behavior) in response to the abuse that has been unbearable at times. All these coping mechanisms are used as weapons against the pain and inner shame. I’ve so longed to show them we can be united and truly care and love them, yet I take back control and avoid out of fear and panic of what they took for me. If we can hold hands in this journey and share the work divided by two it is much less. For us, disassociation keeps me locked from what they hold, but if they could believe in the love I have for them, and the things that make us strong, that peace can enter our life for the first time and I will stand side by side with them in my life, not separated! You gave me such hope! To give the gift of life, we have to give Love! My alters cringe, but acknowledging their pain and letting them have a voice to speak will bring about that peace I’ve so long avoided out of fear of death, pain and loss that murdered their souls and shattered hearts.
We are stronger than we realize… these precious children no longer have to do it on their own! We are there to hold them close and tell them they have wonderful sunshine in their hearts. They have someone who believes in them and will protect them with an unconditional and understanding love. I’m so deeply encouraged by your message and it resonates in my healing at the moment. As we let go and open our arms true healing happens, What an appealing appeal!
I’m Wishing you well on the journey Elizabeth. It takes bold courage to face your inner child with a desire to let go and your to be commended! I’m still choked up here! I desire to be whole and free thought we have so much memory recovery work to do and I’m scared out of my mind! It’s a time for learning why I have missed half of my life. One ounce of pain is worth it though, look what they all took for me. Thank you for your beautiful example to all warriors in battle over their lives. May we all find our peace!
Best,
~K
Thank you so much K. I would love to see your work. Please email me at cecorey@live.com anytime.
I was very moved by this letter. It resonates so much with what goes on in my mind. Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to read it. I really appreciate it.
Dear Elisabeth,
Thanks sooo much for your blog. This letter had me in tears. It is such a beautiful gift, tears and all. I have been grappling with this myself at a fairly deep level for over 12 months, trying to gain the trust of my own inner child so I (we) might access specialised rape recovery counselling. For most of that time I have been trying to reassure her that I will not force her to say anything, or remember anything she is not ready to. Now I’ve been waiting for 3 months since my intake counselling appointment to be seen regularly.
Realising how much abuse my inner child has carried and shielded me from for so long (over 40 years) was an enormous shock. Here are two poems I wrote. The first was written for a friend many years ago when I had just begun to know her, I had no idea then it was also my story. The second poem I wrote last year – hard on the heels of seeing this was my story.
She
I know a woman: she is beautiful.
She has much to give others
she is warm and loving
she is compassionate and strong
she is self-reflective and courageous
she is speaking and singing her truth
she is learning to care for herself
she is clothed for protection as best she knows how.
She is deeply afraid
I know a child: she is beautiful.
She is small and vulnerable
she is abused, traumatised
she is crying out for love
she is desperately seeking safety
she is appealing to be rescued
she is naked and has nowhere to hide.
She is mute with terror
The two live in the one person –
they are becoming acquainted
the woman is learning to listen to the child
the child is learning to speak
the woman is letting the child be known
the child is being embraced
They are growing into one
Her beauty shines from within
She is loved.
©Kristin Gillespie, 9 May 2002
May the God who is mother of us all wrap you in her unconditional love
may Jesus the crucified touch and heal all your deep wounds
may the Spirit join your scattered pieces and let your unique beauty shine through
She is Found
The woman approaches Him
“Please find my lost little girl:
For no other can trace her
And cut the ties that bind”
Taking up His crook the shepherd
Departs on the painstaking search
Throughout all the world
And down so many weary years
Finally He finds His lamb, captive
In her stepfather’s bed –
A man she loved and trusted
Who never should have touched her
The shepherd tenderly severs the bindings
Cradling the child with compassion
Cleansing tears wash over them
During their arduous journey
He’s carrying her safe home
To the arms of the patient supplicant
Whose love and wisdom
Belong to the woman she will become
Kristin Gillespie© July 2013
Blessings on your journeying,
Kristin
Thank you so much for sharing these poems Kristin. They are beautiful! And so relevant to this piece. I am glad you found this blog and that we connected.
You are most welcome! I’m glad too 🙂 Cheers, K
Kristin, I just read your poems. The first one especially hit home. Thank you for expressing so beautifully what many of us struggle with inside.
Oh my this is so me, I have read this with free flowing tears feeling it with all I my heart, thank you so much for writing this I couldn’t put anything on paper. Maybe this will help me within my own therapy
Thank you Kelly. I am so glad it spoke to your heart.
That was so painful yet so perfect. Thank you! I think I should read it to my inner child daily
I should remind myself of it more often too.
This post is very comforting. I know how you feel. I am a child trauma abuse survivor. I blog about it here: http://self-love-u.blogspot.com/ It is nice to see your bold stance and success in this area. It is my passion to spread the word and help victims get the information they need to heal earlier than I did. I want the pathway recorded for people to follow more easily. I also want to prevent the world from stigmatizing abuse victims. I want to open a national dialog about child abuse, recovery, etc… I don’t want anyone else to suffer the way I’ve suffered. It’s pointless. It’s all under cover. Thank you for sharing your light and your courage.
Thank you so much! Your passion for sharing light with the survivor community is definitely in line with my own.
Embrace the negative part or eject it?
Okay, I’ve been thinking about this. First, let me say, this letter is phenomenal. Right on time with exactly where I am. Thank you so much for your honesty and open heart. You are truly helping more than you know.
Here’s my interest regarding this paragraph you wrote about the Inner Critic….
“I know you don’t agree. I hear you loud and clear. Some refer to their voice as an inner critic. They even talk about drowning it out or ignoring it. But I know better. I know you are a scared child and you are afraid of changing. You are afraid the change might result in death, or even worse, further abuse. While you may be critical, you are just trying to be protective. I don’t want to drown you out. I want to work with you. I want to cooperate. I want to use your knowledge to help us grow and become stronger. Your caution is needed. But so is my passion for purpose. And the more we integrate, the closer we will come to the peace we both seek.
Because the inner division will never bring peace. And since neither of us can have it completely our way, we will either continue without peace or we will work together. And with peace comes a meaningful life. They are the same. They must be.”
And this is an area I am personally working on closely. Right there; so I thought I would share.
Embrace the negative part or eject it? I know it’s important that we embrace our wholes selves, however, I feel that parts of us that are divided against the well being of the whole (even if they’re trying to protect us), should be kicked out, separated, banished, shoved against the wall, kicked to the moon.
That Imago Interject is the internal response to the voice of the abusive parent. It’s insidious. When you are hurting inside and in pain because of something your subconscious is telling you… things you were taught about yourself as a child, under all the layers, keep repeating themselves over and over and repeating the trauma. We’re programmed to do it to ourselves. The pain our wounded child feels is the result of these false messages. It’s despair.
There is no power in despair. But, there is power in anger. Even the body response is different, more alert, upright and ready for action. Tapping into our anger inside against the false messages that are inside. Getting mad at the injustice our own hearts spew without conscious awareness. Standing up to the Inner Critic has helped me to access my own power and given me the ability to set boundaries within and without against criticism and conditional love.
I love the way Peter Walker, MA Psychotherapist explains how to deal with the inner critic. I’ve read it many, many times.
http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
Once I started rebelling against the negative inner voices, I stopped hurting. There was no hurt in that area for the inner child to be hurt. It feels like I embraced the hurt not by holding onto it, but by kicking butt internally. Stopping the bleeding. Standing up to the Inner Critic has made all the difference. 1000s of little hurts, but one at a time.
I hear what you are saying and I tried that. Believe me, I tried that. But to me, it isn’t as much about kicking out the critical parts as it is about integrating them back in to the whole. My inner critic is stubborn and angry and sad and confused, but there are good aspects to those things too. Once she is integrated, her strengths become my strengths. When we are on the same page, we can accomplish almost anything. I have made a choice to join with her and it has been unbelievable helpful in my recovery work.
I believe you. So interesting. Our own hearts know the path and every one of us is different. I think the exploration of our differences offers breadcrumbs to more healing for me.
My Inner Critic is never sad, confused or angry. It is just cognitively and constantly saying that I’m not good enough. It doesn’t go that deep, however, it wounds deep. My Inner Critic is not in my limbic, it’s in my Cerebral Cortex. It’s the judgment piece, which takes critical thinking, which is higher level, more cerebral than the wounds of my inner child (the emotional part).
What a beautiful journey. I would love to hear more about integration and breaking dissociative walls. I think this letter is a prime example of that process. I am closing in on those parts and sometimes feel like I’m worlds away.
In my case, I actually had multiple inner children at different ages. One definitely more cognitive (although still very unconscious) and one more emotional. I discovered that most of my inner upheaval was the battle between them. One has been easier to integrate, but both have been quite a journey. Most of my work these days is about the integration of dissociated parts. While I am not diagnosed with DID, I share many of the same separations. But I do not lose time. My ego self stays “in charge”.
I’ll diagnose you. 😉
That’s just my point. I don’t have it because I don’t lose time. With my writing and speaking, I am bringing the idea of “parts” in to the main stream. Parts aren’t just for those with DID. We all have them. We all have separations, some worse than others. It is the recognition and integration of our parts that make us whole again.
Gorgeous. <3 I agree with you on focusing on the inner child vs. terminating the inner critic.
"And I know you aren’t sure what to think because honestly, nobody has ever appealed to you before. You have always been told what to do. You have always been forced to be someone different. And I know you don’t trust me. But I appeal to you anyway. And I will wait until you can understand that I am not here to manipulate or take advantage of you. But I would like you to let me take care of that adult stuff that is just too much for a child to take on. I would like you to let go, just a little, so I can do for you what nobody ever did, let you be a child, let you grow and develop in the way you were never allowed. And as you do, all that you are will become who I am. And we will be together, living life in a unified inner world.
And you will finally be able to rest.
You will finally be able to close your eyes without fear.
You will finally find peace under my wing.
You will be home."
Tears at this. Her beautiful eyes closing at the end of the day, with trust that the next day will also bring peace. And experiencing the joy of choices and real connection with her new mom, even though she doesn't yet understand how much she is loved. One day she will…
xo
Thank you! One day she will.
I’m with you 100% on all of this, esp some of your responses to comments. I am currently working on integrating my inner child with the adult me. I also am not diagnosed with DID (altho I do have Dissociative Disorder, Depersonalisation, etc) as I, like you, don’t lose time, but I have two very distinct parts within me: little me who holds the sadness, confusion, naiveté, and even some of the “pleasurable” feelings of the sexual abuse (and with that comes guilt and shame), and a teenaged boy who holds the vicious anger and rage. I’ve never been able to really feel these types of emotions because of the dissociation due to abuse, and also verbally being told over and over: “children are to be seen and not heard”, “don’t speak unless spoken to”. If I were happy, it was “wipe that smirk off your face or I’ll slap it off”, and if I were sad or angry or upset it was “go to your room and don’t come out until you’ve changed your attitude”. In so many ways I was conditioned to not feel. I can remember crying and telling my parents, “don’t worry, I’m happy”. Smh…
Anyways, I’m the same- I need to integrate these parts, and I, as an adult, need to have access to normal, everyday emotions. I want this so badly as I’m firmly entrenched in middle age and want nothing more than to feel “normal”, react “normal” in different situations, and be free to love my fiance like as an adult, ie being able to communicate in all aspects- my triggers, my feelings, what I need, etc.
Question: did you find that once you became more aware of the “parts”, they became stronger, more vocal?
Also, I shared this post with my therapist as I know she will love it 🙂
Hi Megyn, Thank you so much. And yes. Parts come through much stronger and more vocal when you become aware of them. Imagine a child or teenager who has been ignored for years and has suddenly been noticed. 🙂
Thank you for responding so quickly! I have another question: when the “parts” “appear” (mine via a trigger), I am aware of what’s happening, but am unable to stop what’s happening. Does that sound familiar to you? Only recently have I (adult me) been able to “talk” to the other part- usually little me. The teen rarely makes an appearance, usually only on paper. It makes sense as the anger and hatred is so so buried within me- much moreso than sadness, shame, etc. Also, just as I’m writing this, it makes perfect sense the anger is a boy. Ps my therapist loved your letter. I knew she would 🙂
Yes! I often refer to that as the “out of body experience”. As you give them more and more of a voice, you will start to feel a little more control over those moments. You may just be able to observe them now, but eventually you will be able to slow them and stop them. I do have a 5-week guidance program which complements therapy nicely. If you are ever interested, send me an email at beatingtrauma@gmail.com.
Thank you
You made me cry now. As an adult, I feel so sorry for what my inner child had to endure. I feel it now.life now is a constant swing between being strong and weak. I just don’t know how to get it right. I dont know who I am. I feel vulnerable with a few superpowers. Thank you for writing this. You have no idea what your words did now. Thank you
Thank you so much A! I can definitely relate to your struggle.
Too many ah-ha moments to list. I had to re-read one particular paragraph about 7 times because my mind kept drifting (or maybe one of my inner children was distracting my attention so I wouldn’t fully absorb the message). Either way, this is what really sticks out for me:
“But peace doesn’t come the way you think it does. It doesn’t come by hiding or avoiding all difficult situations and people. That was the only option you had as a child. And I commend you for using it to stay alive. But today, peace comes from listening to that inner calling, that larger purpose. Peace comes from standing up for myself and not worrying about what that other person thinks of me, or if they will retaliate later. Peace comes from knowing I am the full expression of my being.”
So this is really interesting. It may not be what you meant when you wrote it, but this is what came up for me. One of my prominent inner battles involves how much time I take off from being human for the sake of peace. (escapism) The bulk of the past 4 or 5 years… I’ve run away. I’ve coasted by on very little income and carved out time to sit in my car for hours and day dream or walk in parks, or watch mindless tv series, or sit in the sun. Believe me, this is not a life style I can afford! But it seems the only peace I get. I spent the last few months on someone’s couch because I was convinced that escaping my life was easier than standing up for myself or offending those around me, which I now realize is the real way to peace!
I’ve lounged for months at a time getting very little “income producing work” done. Yet I don’t really enjoy myself (or feel genuine peace) because of the battle inside which goes like this:
One part insists this time off is necessary and important for healing and defends it with its life.
Another part freaks out and warns “you’ll be sorry when you’re homeless!” and “you’re not getting any younger!” and “life will plow you over!”
Another part assures the rest that God will make a way! It has watched hours and hours of law of attraction videos to back up its theory that it is my birth right to lounge my whole life away and that nothing bad will happen to me! (when this one finishes sounding off, I pay a huge price because the others pounce on it – actually pulverize it!)
Another part curls into the fetal position when it hears the argument and says “I can’t take this pressure! I’m scared! I’m doomed! But I have no options because there’s very little life left in me! Look at me! I’ve been through hell and I don’t have the strength to work or take care of myself! How will I survive! OMG Help me!!!”
Sadly, the one part that I don’t hear enough from (yet) is the one that used to dominate the rest (in a good way). It was the confident part. The one that was successful and had the world by the balls. The one that set goals and achieved them. The one that took risks and made things happen. The one that was sought out for work and opinions and coaching. The one that manifested many miracles. The one that was proud of raising her son alone in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. When my life unraveled (I mean when my higher self took me on this journey to transcend my pain 🙂 the confident part got plowed over and lost it’s voice, and eventually lost its hope. Like a dried up plant.
But… I think we may be at a turning point. I think that part might be slightly wowed that I just finished a novel I’ve been working on for years. That part had no faith I would finish (or did that part actually contribute to my finishing? Wow, now there’s a question!)
Writing the novel was the toughest fight of my life with all the internal resistance. I wanted to celebrate finishing that book but before I had a chance, a bunch of parts came after me to remind me how difficult it is to make money as a writer, how much rejection is involved, how nothing good stays for long, how I’m believing in some fantasy and I need be realistic, how the world is doomed, blah, blah, blah…
I’m telling you, this “parts work” is changing my life b/c I finally, FINALLY understand what’s been going on with me! No more believing that I’m mentally ill or bipolar or messed up (these were some of the messages my family programmed me to believe and heartless “lovers” throughout my life conveniently concurred) I believed their lies! Their excuses! Yet I was the only one willing to look in the mirror and work on myself!
I can now manage my own parts. I never knew this (not consciously). I know its not an overnight process, but I believe the work will pay off. As you can see, it already is. (Thank you Elisabeth and comment posters!)
Wow…That was really long-winded but it felt amazing!!
LL
I am so glad you are seeing results with allowing your parts to express themselves. I recognized all the parts you listed above and giving them a voice will absolutely help you accomplish so many things. I can’t wait to see where you go from here.
I am 18 months into my new life after disclosing about the abuse from my brother. I had to cut ties with my blood family after 40 years of wearing a mask.
So glad to have found this article and it doesn’t matter when it was written.
The effects of childhood abuse are far reaching and I struggle, sometimes for a few hours and sometimes for a few days.
I try and ground myself and keep “in the day” but it’s not always possible so I always need an escape plan for whatever I am doing.
Being regularly exposed to my Husband’s 10 year old Granddaughter on her monthly visit is very testing as I am being forced to confront my childhood. After a year of getting to know her, I now find that anxiety is prevalent whenever she is mentioned.
I hope that my brother rots in hell for what he has done to me. I am not angry as I know he has to spend every moment in fear that extended family will find out (our parents already know but chose not to do anything about it – same as when we were kids)
I believe in Karma and his dirty secret will one day be exposed
I am so sorry for what you went through Judy. Being around children can really trigger our trauma. It mirrors what we went through at the same age.
Wow! I stumbled over this and boy I’m glad I did. I have recently connected with a therapist (amazing she is)We have touched on inner child work,,, It scares me something horrid. I was raped at a young (11-13) age and seem to have gotten stuck in the emotional state of that age. I’m now 57. I have spent my hole life hiding, emotionally by shutting out and dressing to cover “me” as in don’t see me please don’t notice me. My inner child (and me now)longs to be held to be hugged to be told (in such a way that we believe it) everything is going to be alright. I recently went through another set of traumas that have just brought this all back into play in full force. Some days I spend most of the day rolling in and out of panic attack after panic attack. One day I hope to get all the parts together in harmony so as to get a little glimmer of normal life. Your writing gives me the idea that someday this could happen. Thank you so much for sharing.
I hope you also email replies as not being to computer literate I’m not to sure I will find this again. Heads up to all those out there fighting this battle.
Thank you Cheryl. I am sorry to hear about your recent panic. I do think it is possible to get all the parts together. But it definitely takes time and patience to make that happen.