When I was a child, I was told that everything was my fault. Eventually, I believed it. In reality, none of it was my fault. As an adult in recovery, I intellectually understand that now. But my unconscious parts are still working that out. My unconscious parts are still trying to make sense of the illogical.
I have struggled with self-worth my entire life. While I don’t see myself as capable of doing good things, I do see myself as powerful at manifesting the bad. More than likely, this comes from my understanding of the abusive adults in my childhood. I felt the same way about them. And I internalized that.
So, when bad things happen in my life, as they inevitably do, my overactive brain finds a way to make it my fault. I find a way to make it punishment for something I did or for who I am. And this happens unconsciously.
When I ended relationships with people in the past, I spent weeks or months attributing every negative experience in my life to the pain I caused that individual. Many of these relationships were abusive, and yet, I was not allowed to make the best choice for me. I was not allowed to be so selfish. On an unconscious level, I saw it necessary to experience punishment for the act of standing up for myself.
This continues today. When I make a parenting mistake, which happens more often than not, I believe I deserve to be treated poorly because I am a bad parent. When I say one wrong thing, I assume people will never want to interact with me again. When I muster the courage to write an article with a strong opinion, I expect an on-line backlash of massive proportions. I expect followers to leave in droves.
And while that is bad enough, it doesn’t stop there. My innate “badness” is also the cause of a world of problems … the world of problems. My unconscious can attribute almost anything to me. There’s a tornado in Oklahoma? It is probably because I yelled at the kids yesterday. There’s an earthquake in Asia? I am sure that would not have happened if I hadn’t messed up that presentation. And honestly, the world would just be a better place if I had never been born. And yes, that is an exact quote from my childhood.
With these bizarre attempts at “cause and effect” running through my unconscious, it is not surprising that motivation is challenging. If I am innately bad, how will I ever do good things? That would be impossible, right? What is the point of all this writing? What is the point of that interview? What is the point of all my parenting research? If I am meant to be bad, how can I ever be anything else?
Unfortunately, this underlying current of futility follows me wherever I go. If something looks like it might be an amazing opportunity or a chance for success, I have to pass that up. I can’t get my hopes up because it can’t work out. In my life, it just isn’t allowed to work out. I am not a good enough person for that to work out.
This unconscious child part of me keeps things as mediocre as possible to avoid the downfall that is inevitable. And it battles everyday with that part of me that knows I can do amazing things.
But I keep working to convince that child part otherwise. I gently point out the amazing things I am doing. I make it a point to take in the difference I am making. I do my best to be hopeful and optimistic. I do my best to understand that I am capable of creating a positive future. And I work to forgive myself for the little things, even the big things.
But sometimes, I hurt others. In those times, I need help from others to move forward.
I have written in the past about the importance of believing survivors of sexual trauma. There is nothing more healing that hearing the words, “I believe you.” But there is a phrase that finishes a close second. If you are working with a survivor to help them heal, and they do something wrong, even something you take personally, remember the words “I forgive you.”
If a survivor is able to find the strength to say they are sorry and they receive forgiveness in return, it can be life changing.
It can give them the strength to forgive themselves in return.
This is a very poignant article. I recognize so well the struggles with self-worth and self-blame that you write about. I sometimes feel like I take on the energy of as many different issues as I can because I believe it is punishment for innate ‘badness.’ If someone were to ask me direct if I think I am bad inside I’d say no and almost believe it but I know it is there underneath and needs releasing bit by bit. It is good to talk about it and recognise it, healthy to explore so that we can start to heal the layers of flawed self-perception. Thanks.
Exactly Jane. Low self-esteem can be quite sneaky. I have felt very proud of myself for months and months and then I will get slammed with a feeling of worthlessness that I never knew was there.
Thank you for sharing, Elisabeth. I went through some tough times with an alcoholic father who played that, “it’s your fault” game with me. I spent years too thinking I was to blame for a lot of the junk he was going through.
I can relate so much to what you write! I thank you for articulating what I’ve felt my whole life. Always blaming myself for everything I realize now was also a survival strategy for me…if I could just be perfect than things would be ok. I do hope you and the rest of us can extend ourselves the grace of forgiveness even when others may not.
Thank you. I had the same thoughts about my perfection solving everything.
Reblogged this on Big Red Carpet Nursing and commented:
We can make the world better, and overcome the past. But first, we must be willing to try.
Yes, yes, yes to all of this. I have come to the realization that one of my core beliefs is “I am bad.” Surrounding this is a big, thick ring of shame that prevents me from getting close to other people for fear that they see how bad I am. Gently persuading my little girl that this is not true is an ongoing task.
And those words…”I forgive you”…are so full of grace and healing, an entirely different and new experience for so many of us.
Xo
The shame permeates every aspect of the self-blame. It makes it hard to get rid of this belief because it is hard to feel the shame and let it go. But it sounds like you are headed in that direction. As soon as we can acknowledge that little girl inside, things start to shift.
Wow. As an adult daughter of an alcoholic, narcissistic father and an engulfing narcissistic, abusive mother, I can really relate to this. I recently turned 49 and I finally understand that it was not my fault, but at the same time, I still carry shame and great fears that I am incompetent. My father keeps his emotional distance from me as he always did, but I am still struggling with my mother relationship as the abuse continues. I have gone my entire adult life feeling a sense of futility about everything I embark on that anyone healthier would have more hope about. Reading your entry has helped me solve another piece of the puzzle – where that ongoing sense of futility comes from. I always had a mother who would barrage me with 20 negative questions in a very authoritarian tone of voice every time I shared anything with her. She always had to be on me about some aspect of it, so I no longer share. I am getting the quasi-silent treatment as well as I really stood up to her after she ruined my birthday this year for the second year in a row. I have let this woman have far too much control and power in my life as I ended up with disabilities due to trauma and a car accident in 2000. Now trying to rest back a part of my life and feel I can take care of myself without her help, which comes with so many strings and abuse for me. Going forward, I will be able to recognize where this critical mindset of futility comes from when I embark on something that should be good for me and empowering. Thank you!
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece and comment. Most of my futility feeling is steeped in my relationship with my mother too. Here is another piece I wrote about the topic if you would like to read more: http://beatingtrauma.com/2015/08/05/it-doesnt-make-a-difference/
THANK you… Your courage in sharing in such an intimate way Is so appreciated. I share similar, subconscious programming, and it can be crippling. Again, thank you.
Thank you for your kind words. And thank you for sharing too.
I totally share your feelings. Thank you. It helps keep me grounded knowing those internal beliefs are common to all survivors of abuse. It also makes me sad that there are so many of us. I wish love and healing to us all. ❤
Thank you Lisa. I wish you love and healing too!
Hi Elizabeth.
It is so sad, but such a reality that we carry these negative, drilled in beliefs with us.
Even if you do everything right, you then feel like an imposter.
Thank you for your writing.
Thank you Amanda. You are so right. Imposter’s syndrome can be so overwhelming for us too.