I have always been a talker. I am an extrovert by nature. In my family, that made me a problem child. They couldn’t get me to shut up. I was threatened with my life and physically assaulted many times because I was exposing the family secret. But there was good news for them. Nobody believed me. So as a child, I learned that nobody ever would.
My experience with unsupportive responses started with the women in my family. The most common response from my mother and grandmother was, “Don’t make things up because that’s not nice.” During one conversation with my grandmother, she explained that, “Men have urges and it is our job as women to meet those urges.” There are so many things wrong with that statement, but there is one point that stands out for me. I was not a woman. I was a child.
I also tried to stand up to my grandfather and my father. My grandfather was more passive. He would say that he had no choice but to abuse me. He would also threaten not to love me anymore. But my father would beat the living daylights out of me. He broke my finger and hit me in the head countless times. I remember going to the hospital with a concussion on more than one occasion. I am not sure how he talked his way out of trouble at the hospital, but I am sure he made up a good story. He was good at getting out of messes. While child rape may be somewhat invisible, physical assault is not. And he did both.
I also told several outsiders about my abuse. I am not sure if they believed me initially, but they certainly were questioning the possibility. I am not sure why they didn’t go to the police. It is possible that my parents just told them I was the crazy one. I am aware of several instances in which my father threatened them. He loved power, and he was able to end careers and out secrets in some truly manipulative ways.
I came to realize early in my life that I was not believable. I would not be taken seriously. And when I started to reveal my past a few years ago, the initial responses were not positive. I was still relating to people with my old energy patterns, and our discussions were not providing the healing I was hoping for. They would respond with disbelief that my abusers would be capable of such a thing. They would ask if I was sure. They would encourage me to keep it quiet for the sake of my family. I almost shut down again, but I intuitively knew that wasn’t the answer. I knew there were people in the world that were ready to hear my story. I just had to keep trying.
I continued to work with my belief systems about the support (or lack of support) that I was expecting from others. As I started to have more faith in myself, the people in my life started to have more faith in me. I started to interact with individuals who were ready to hear what I had to say. I started to get messages from people who were grateful that I was willing to tell my story. I have to admit, I was a little surprised at first. Now I realize this is how humanity should respond.
I am still getting my voice back. I work at it every day. I still notice my self-censoring at times. There is still fear about telling some aspects of my story. But I am changing and shifting. And so are the people in my life. Soon, the words, “I believe you” won’t sound shocking. They won’t bring chills. Of course, they will always be special. I will always be grateful to have support. Because I know what it feels like to have none.
So, the next time a sexual violence survivor opens up to you about their experience, tell them you believe them. It may not seem important to you, but to them, it means the world.
I am one of those readers tremendously grateful that you do speak. Every time you do, it makes it easier for me. Thank you.
Thank you so much Ashana! I feel the same about your writings. 🙂
I almost cried. This is so good. Thank you so much for the mention too xo
Thank you for the idea. It really hit me when I read your post.
I’m glad it touched you xo
I am so proud of you. It takes guts and courage to do what is right in the negative world. Don’t ever shut up. Use that mouth as you did when you were a child and speak. Help heal yourself and others
Thank you Terry! I don’t think I will ever be quiet again. I have forty years of silence to make up for. 🙂
Your childhood and the words spoken by your mother, grandmother, etc. I have lived and heard but keep talking because while their words hurt you, your words in sharing your story are helping thousands of others. For all the bad, God is making good TEN FOLD through the strength he’s placed within you. Keep talking – I’ll keep listening!
Thank you so much. I am sorry you have lived it too. It is for survivors like you that I write.
what. please forgive the assumption but i always just thought that as a child you weren’t able to bring yourself to find the words to describe the abuse…this gives me chills and makes me so angry that you were brave enough and had such a will to try to get help for yourself and you were then totally emotionally manipulated and abused further. being able to articulate that terror to others as a child is more than evidence of your amazing will, soul, spirit, whatever word means the most to you…i am so glad you haven’t shut down completely. i am so grateful that you have found so much strength and love and truth and beauty in your life…it’s taken a lot less to drive people to end their own lives. this world, its sufferers, its victims, we need you to keep telling your story. we believe you, and our lives are changed by your truth even if we can’t being to comprehend how horribly you suffered. i am completely in tears after reading this. i can’t imagine the layers of betrayal from the initial abuse to the covering up to everything you had to deal with.
my respect and admiration for you grows every time i read your writing.
i am so terribly sorry for your countless losses and the unimaginable abuse. i wish i could hug you, or better yet go back in time and just hold that poor little girl. the fact you’ve stopped the cycle and are raising your own kids in a beyond healthy, loving, so incredibly healing environment…well i hope it makes up for what you endured just a little bit. you are an amazing woman to know, and i am honored to call you a friend.
Thank you so much. My children and our healthy family environment makes up for my childhood ten fold. As a child, I always dreamed about a healthy family, and we are that.
I do believe that most children speak up to someone. It is absolutely critical that the person they choose responds in a healthy manner. Otherwise, they will be stuck in a horrible cycle of abuse and uncertainty. That is why I write. I want everyone to know it is happening and it must be stopped.
I stumbled across your blog, and I am so glad I did. Everyone’s experiences are different of course but your strength and courage are a fine example to all those who have gone through a similar ‘lost childhood’ experience. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much. I am glad you stumbled across my blog. 🙂
Wow, I stumbled across your blog today and I am so glad! First I read the one about anger…that is where I am. I actually copied and pasted a fee paragraphs onto my note ap to read and remind myself. I’m “waiting” for the apology from my mom…and living in anger because its been over a year since we spoke. When I decided to break my silence she wrote me off. And it beings me to tears every day. (I blog too…but it’s been a while) it started out as something that was beauty from ashes and now I feel too angry. I’m working with my therapist…but can’t picture not being angry.
http://place2bloom.blogspot.com/
…and I clicked submit before saying this…lol
Those three words “I believe you” were what prompted me to break my silence and face my childhood trauma. I emailed my step mom and just filled her in on life…and the next thing I knew I told her about my mothers husband and she replied with “to what extent was the abuse and do you want to press charges?” And my life was forever changed because I heard “I believe you”. From there I finally told my therapist (of 8 years) about the abuse and I did file chares. But it passed the statute of limitations. And I got angry and wouldn’t back down from my mothers excuses for her husbands actions and she disowned me. Here I am, one year later.
Hi Brandi, Thanks for finding me. You are on the right path. It is just a slow and winding path. I know you can’t imagine getting past the pain you are feeling about your family, but I can say that mine has dissipated substantially over the years. It is still there, but the impact is much less.
Your stepmother gave you such a gift. It is so powerful to be believed, and even more so when it is family.
Stick with the recovery work. I will check out your blog.
Elisabeth
I get this sooo much. I had to hear those 3 words over and over again. With the first person I ever opened up to about it,I ended with begging, “Please say that you believe me.” Not to force those words from her, but to communicate how desperately I needed to be believed to feel at peace in some way.
Xo
Yes! It is so vital for our healing.
So many bizzare things happened that people would hear all the rest and start to believe maybe, but then I would feel safe enough to share a little more and then they decided that that couldn’t possibly be true so then they didn’t believe any of it. Also my abusers(one of who was a well respected psychotherapist) were very good at lying, manipulating situations, circumstances, mixing part truths in, and degrading my reputation that I was isolated lots of times without even knowing why people were suddenly avoiding me or would just accuse me of lying and trying to cause trouble for the abuser. Then a few times I did share some of my story within what I though was safe group….and well, I won’t ever do that again because as it turned out I realized that although some who may have believed some of the things that happened to me, then thought of me as damaged goods, lower, “trash”and would treat me with disrespect and disregard. Others thought that I must have “asked” for it, especially because I was somewhat always well developed. I don’t think I know of anyone that I have felt that I could share it all to. I don’t think that I will ever be able to share it unless it is anonymously.
This happens to so many survivors. The shame they feel is heaped right back on top of them when they try to share. It is especially true when the perpetrator is powerful or has established a reputation in the community of being a “good person”. I hope you know that I believe you. None of it was your fault. And I hope you do find a community you can share it in at some point. If not, you can always share it here.
For me it wasn’t sexual abuse. Not that I am aware of anyway. But I relate so much to your posts. My mother was emotionally abusive. But emotional abuse is hard to see. Hard to prove. Hard period. So when therapy was involved it was easily twisted on me. I was the sick one. I was the parent abuser. This went on for years and added to the hell I was living. I had a high school teacher who was friends with my mother who finally saw the truth. She became a safe haven and a beacon of light…I even live with her for a short time…until her job was threatened. She was harboring a minor…. And so I lost her support. She fell for the threat. And so it went…. On and on until I was in my twenties and a therapist who had worked with my mother saw her for what she was. Someone suffering from multiple personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, bipolar disorder… And I finally had a therapist see me. Not the abuser but the abused…. It forever changed things for me. Life has not been easy. I chose to cut ties with my mother after she refused psychological help. Her issues were affecting my own life and I had to stand up for my own future at that point. I she wouldn’t get help I was not strong enough to stay…. It’s been 22 years now. I don’t regret my decision but I do feel loss. Of a mother figure I never had and could have used many times over the last 22 years. Friends have become more like family than family. My sister is the best to come out of my childhood and is irreplaceable. Sometimes it is really hard to know truth from fiction. What is real. What is perceived. Insecurity versus reality… Especially when it comes to my own parenting. My mother’s evil words haunt me at my darkest times even though I have not seen her in all these years. The effect is a lifelong struggle. Abuse holds on and surfaces when we are at our weakest no matter how hard we have struggled to heal. I so hope I have provided more for my own three children…
You are right about emotional abuse. It is so much harder to bring awareness to, so it can be harder to heal it. I am sure you are doing so much more for your children because you are doing this work. You are making a difference in your life, even though it can feel like a battle with no end.
Thank you for telling your story. I do believe you.
Thank you!