Abuse-born Beliefs
My inner child holds many belief systems. Most of them are unhealthy. Of course, it’s not her fault. She came by them honestly. Every belief system came with strong evidence of it’s veracity, especially to a small child with black and white thinking. While many beliefs came from experiences, some were statements repeated by the adults over and over. And those are the most warped.
One of my least favorite (and hard to admit) beliefs came in this way. I have mentioned my mother’s need to “keep me safe” as her motivation for enabling my abuse, but she had other justifications as well. At some point during her own horrific life of abuse, she determined that it wasn’t that bad. She decided that if she could cope with the constant rape that she could have whatever she wanted while doing very little work. If she could put up with the men in our family and their desire to rape children, they would take care of her. She wouldn’t have to work. She wouldn’t have to put forth effort in life. Her parents, and eventually her husband, would be there as a safety net as long as she maintained the secret.
Don’t get me wrong, she didn’t make it up. She was taught this thinking. And it makes sense in my family. Everything comes with a price. Nothing was unconditional. If you get something, you give something, no matter what your age. She was raped repeatedly as a child and was rewarded with a lifetime of spending other people’s money. She has shopped every day of her adult life. And she has always felt justified.
Standing in the Way of Progress
This belief was transferred to me. I think it was one of the ways she tried to justify what was happening to me. She wanted to make sure I understood that there was something in it for me. Needless to say, when I chose to step away from the family, there was substantial dissension from my inner child. She was expecting something in return for all of that abuse. She was expecting a lifetime safety net. She was not expecting to work hard in this life because she had already done her time. She had already experienced the worst that life had to offer, so now she was supposed to coast. If she didn’t feel like working, she could just live off the parents. After all, they owed her. After all, she had a secret they didn’t want anyone to know. So coming out as a survivor of child sex abuse and trafficking ruined all of her plans. There was no more golden ticket. There was no more financial security.
But in reality, there never was a golden ticket. My parents were liars. And this lie was like all the other lies that created the warped belief systems. They never intended to give me a dime. Of course, there would be expensive gifts and trips to Disney World for the grandchildren, but that was just a part of the perfection mask. That spending was to keep up the perception that we were an awesome family.
Breaking Through the Old Pattern
Now I am faced with this part of me that doesn’t want to put forth effort. This part kicks and screams whenever there is work to be done, money to be made. I have always pushed through it. I have always convinced her to do the work, especially lately because the work is so important. But she still wants the easy way out. She still wants her compensation for a childhood of pain. And it isn’t coming.
It is never coming. The work must be done. There is no other way to be free but to establish a life without any ties or expectations from the abusers. So I negotiate with her. I try to give her downtime to rest because while she can’t coast through life, there is recovery time needed. I give her time to express her emotions and release them. I let her know that I will take the lead in the work effort. A child should never be expected to carry that burden. And I work to make a living doing what I love because all children have a dream.
Some want to be firefighters, police officers or veterinarians.
But I just wanted to stop the abuse.
And that’s what I am doing.
For me and others.
And I know, deep down inside, my inner child can’t argue with that.
Elizabeth, this is SO right on. My parents – well mostly my mother – lived according to the great give/get ledger. Of course, she herself was an abuse survivor. I still have to stay really awake so I don’t go to that place myself…giving with the expectation that I will GET in return. NOT. I give because I have to. I get to. I love to. Freely. No strings attached. Thank you for articulating this concept so beautifully.
Thank you Tina. I struggle with that myself. On the flip side, I have always been afraid to ask for help because I thought that meant I had to give something in return. Now I have friends who help because they want to. It has taken some getting used to.
This is such a Powerful post, I have lost a lot of family members in a very small space of time. Its all because I choose to remove myself from the “played down version” of my abuse. I would normally be in a heap of shit and tears right now, Probley getting wasted and selling my body All to conform and satisfy my families needs.I think the fact I just got married to the most amazing man anyone could ever want… One thing I realised about my past is that no one was satisfying my needs! Just neglecting my feelings and dreams! to be honest if they were doing that id probley still be their bitch!
I am fighting back and ppl are dropping me off like a hot rock of coal! I choose to be free tho! Thanks for this post… its made my day a little brighter! x
I completely understand that. They dropped me a few years ago when I started to stand up for myself. Congrats on escaping that environment and starting over.
I am in the early stages of breaking away from the safety net. I try to reassure my inner children that we will be fine, and that I can handle this. I am working as hard as I can, and I like doing so, exhausting though it is a lot of the time. But whilst my inner children are comforted, I can’t help but look for reassurance for myself – that we will be fine in the end. However, whilst some people I called ‘friends’ in the past have now gone (I can only imagine because they realise I will no longer be manipulated by them) others are there for me without expecting anything in return, which is amazing. It also takes a bit of getting used to.
Thank you Olive. I know those feelings. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.
Wow. This makes a lot of sense to me. My background is nothing like as traumatic as others here, but this rings very true for me still. Thank you. I will be keeping this in mind.
Thanks. I have found that these patterns seem to run on a continuum with almost everyone experiencing it on some level.
I haven’t read the comments above as I want to be candid. Your blog is already an incredible resource. While various abuses differ, I think the common thread is the rearing with lies and “warped belief systems” that profoundly resonates with me. You are fiercely brave; a trait I hope to adopt as I consider shredding my own “golden ticket.” Thanks for a touching and eloquent read.
Thank you! What a wonderful comment and validation of my work. Good luck with your journey too. It is a tough step to shred that ticket. But I think the freedom is worth it.
I love the picture for this post! It just says so much. It’s interesting how many beliefs & behaviors seem to be universal amongst child abuse survivors. I can relate to the deep belief that others owed me for what I was able to live through.
Now that my adult self is on the surface most of the time, I can grasp how my beliefs were twisted & only fed the cycle of abuse. Once I tore the irrational shroud of believing society owed me & I should get something out of what I endured, I can now own who I am and know that I am responsible for me and taking care of my younger selves. My younger parts also know at this point that what my adult self does for them (love & protect & satisfy their needs in a healthy way) feels so much better than others owing me.
Thank you Elisabeth.
Thank you Donna. That is so true. It has been a long road, but I can see how my inner child(ren) finally feel there is a positive adult relationship to embrace. And it is great to know I can provide it.
Timely that this shows up in my FB feed today. The struggle over losing my ENTIRE family with the exception of my father and his one sister that is kind of on the periphery- because I stopped playing into the system, stopped buying into the garbage, stopped allowing it to be okay for them to blame me for the things they did to me, stopped allowing them to convince me I was a problem because I reacted sanely to insane situations. My grief for the loss of ever having a mother is enormous. I have no mother. I have the woman who calls herself my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, but no mother. She is incapable of being mother. And the rest of the quite large family refuse to change the patterns of destruction. I’m still struggling with my inner young ones who are beyond pissed that after all the work done just to survive now/still there is a mountain of work to try to mend what can be mended and try to recover me. Thanks for writing this.
Thank you for your comment and your courage to recover you despite your family. This is the hardest path there is.
one of my inner kids is pissed that we cut off an abuser 6 months ago and it isn’t better! like, I LITERALLY ordered my Happy Meal, WHERE IS IT?!? but rest, she hears you, we are VERY tired. so we can rest a bit more. Thank you <3
This journey always takes so much longer than our inner kids want. Expectations are so hard to manage internally.