In Defense of Children
We underestimate children. I have been reminded of this fact lately with so many seeking to discredit Dylan Farrow. I am particularly bothered by the notion that at 7 years old, Dylan only said what her mother told her to say. I find this incredibly hard to believe. While I find it painful to watch others label Mia a liar and manipulator, I am going to focus on the child. Even if mothers would do something this horrible to their children, parental alienation doesn’t work because children don’t work that way.
I know this for two reasons:
1) I am the mother of two 7-year-olds. I watch them try to figure out life every single day.
2) I remember my own experiences of child sex abuse at 7 years old.
Here are my observations about how children actually approach life: read more…
An Open Letter to Those Defending Woody Allen
When I read the article by Dylan Farrow, I was shocked at her bravery, honesty and resiliency. I was surprised at how she was willing to stand up against someone who is revered by our society as a talented artist. However, I was more shocked by those who are willing to defend Woody Allen, a man who has been accused of child sexual abuse by one adopted daughter and married the other one. The myriad of reasons for this defense show a complete lack of understanding for the complex trauma of a child sex abuse victim. Let’s discuss some of those reasons:
1. She is lying because she wants attention. As a survivor of child sex abuse, sometimes I am asked if I want to be on television or in the newspapers. In reality, I do want to be on television or in the newspapers. But I don’t want to talk about my childhood story of pervasive sexual abuse and trafficking. I want be on television because I have won the Nobel Peace Prize or cured cancer. Nobody wants to talk about being victimized, but there is a longing deep inside of a sex abuse survivor to speak the truth. In many cases, speaking the truth may be necessary to heal from the abuse. In some cases, speaking the truth may bring about the justice that was evasive for so long. It is not about attention. read more…
Safety First
I was raised by narcissists. I am not talking about the general selfishness that plagues the human race. I am referring to sociopathic narcissism in which their only concern is reducing their own pain. There is no interest in the feelings or pain of the other … ever.
This type of familial environment has left me with priorities that can be challenging when I attempt to interact with the rest of the world.
As a young child, I realized that I would not be able to rely on others to protect me and keep me safe. I started making decisions based on my safety. This continued in to adulthood. In some situations, I am overly accommodating because I consider the situation unsafe. I am trying to keep from experiencing retaliation from someone I consider dangerous. This is a tactic that I learned as a child and unfortunately, it is not helpful as an adult. I should eliminate these people from my life. My underlying need for safety produces the opposite effect. I have spent far too much time with dangerous people in order to appease them. read more…
Losing Others, Losing Me
As I have struggled through some very dark days of trauma recovery, I have come to understand some universal laws that have helped make sense of my chaotic life. The most basic law is that the inner child will recreate the challenges of the childhood until the challenges are resolved. To the inner child, the perception of resolution may be very different from the adult’s logical brain. But I have learned that the resolution can come in many forms.
For a sexual violence survivor, this law holds no more true than navigating the intimate relationships of adulthood. Sometimes, this law is referred to as “women will always marry their father”. But it manifests in other ways too.
This law would be easy to address if it wasn’t happening in the unconscious realm of our being. Unfortunately, we rarely know we are recreating our childhood. In the case of memory repression, it is worse because we don’t remember the events we are recreating. Sounds like a losing battle, doesn’t it?
When I first reached adulthood, my self-esteem was non-existent. I was convinced that I was not worthy of a partner who had the potential to love me or make me happy. I was convinced of the opposite. I was sure that the only partner for me was an abusive addict who would eventually leave. Of course, all of these beliefs were unconscious. In my conscious mind, I was convinced that I was deserving of a great partner. Unfortunately, the unconscious ALWAYS wins. read more…
In Search of Family
When I was a child, I had one wish. I wanted a real family. I used to dream about it. I remember sitting in my backyard and watching the house behind mine. I am not sure why I picked that house. There were houses in every direction because we lived in a suburb. But that house was appealing for some reason. I had met the family, so maybe I just thought they were nice. I used to wonder about them. Did they have a peaceful life? Did they fight? Did they abuse their kids? I considered knocking on their door and asking if they would let me stay with them.
As I make my way through another holiday season with “just the three of us”, I can’t help but think about those missing family members. I am not talking about the immediate family that lives under the same roof. I am lucky enough to have that. I am talking about extended family … aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. I don’t have that. I know that it was my choice. I chose to leave my biological family. I chose to end my relationship with people who abused me throughout my entire childhood. I made a choice that I could not make as a child. I freed myself from those chains. For that, I am proud of myself. read more…
Just a Kid
When I became a single mother, I knew it was going to be hard. I knew there would be a lot of guessing, especially since I didn’t have real parents. I knew it would be a tremendous strain on my energy, time and finances. I knew I would want to pull out my hair. I even knew it would be scary. But nothing could prepare me for my relationship with my little boy. Nothing could prepare me for the doubt, confusion and downright terror that come with raising a little boy, as a single mother, with no father-figure in his life.
I have made mistakes. I have spent much of the past seven years learning how a little boy is supposed to act. I don’t mean the societal norm that has been set for boys. I mean their innate tendencies that are so critical to their positive growth … the tendencies that society suppresses. I now understand that boys never stop moving … ever. I get that boys want to learn with their entire body and soul. I have come to realize that a full-fledged attack on my physical being is just another way of saying “I love you.” I have also learned about the male bathroom etiquette. Unfortunately, it was a little too late to avoid an embarrassing incident. I will always have a little guilt about that. read more…
Is your feminism different from the patriarchy?
I grew up in a sexist family. They subscribed to an extreme sexism that justified rape and torture of little girls and women. It was the worst kind of sexism. My father was very clear that all things feminine were not just bad, but evil. Of course, his idea of the feminine was fed by society, so even his choice of what to hate was distorted.
He let me know that my body was evil. My body caused him to rape me. My body caused him to have desires that he could not control. My body was a source of shame and guilt because I was a girl. Keep in mind that I was younger than 10 years old at the time. read more…
All Kids Act That Way?
I have yet to meet an honest mother who isn’t completely insecure about motherhood. It is the hardest job on this planet. Motherhood targets our triggers. To put it a different way, it brings up everything that scares us to death. For some of us, we are scared more easily than others. Anxiety can be inhibiting when it comes to making sound parenting decisions. But I think the most grounded mothers are insecure at some points.
From the beginning, I have been convinced I am damaging my children in every way. I am too overprotective. I am not watching them closely enough. My discipline is too inconsistent. I am not spending enough time with them. I am not pushing them hard enough. They are not involved in enough extra-curricular activities. I am not feeding them right. I am missing out on their one true calling by not embracing who they are. I am too tired to dress up like a Disney character and run around the house with them, so they will never develop a healthy sense of self. read more…
Finding my Power
I have been thinking about a popular quote by Marianne Williamson the past few days.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.”
I am a huge fan of Marianne Williamson, so I have heard this quote many times. And honestly, it has never been my favorite. I have always found it counter-intuitive. Who would not want to be powerful beyond measure? Of course, when I ask this question, I am defining “powerful” using our standard societal norms. Powerful means money. Powerful means importance. Powerful means influence. read more…
The Dark Side
Everyone has a dark side. Of course, some are darker than others. My dark side is pretty dark. Countless rapes and beatings can turn a heart cold. I have known about my anger for many years. I am comfortable with my anger. I know how to express it safely. Nobody gets hurt. I acknowledge the anger. And eventually, I am able to integrate those feelings. And I feel a little more whole.
My latest memories are dark. After 6 years of recovery work, these memories are exposing a level of rage that even surprises me. It is definitely not my standard anger. It is different. I don’t feel mad. I don’t feel anything at all. There is no empathy and compassion. There is no acknowledgment that others have feelings. This rage doesn’t care if others live or die. It is scary. And it is probably what drives a person to murder. read more…
