I know that trauma is universal. It crosses all genders, races, ethnicities, religions, cultures, belief systems and even the political divide. While traumas are almost as diverse as the people on the planet, our trauma responses can be shockingly similar. My goal is to reach as many people as possible, so I keep my inner parts work focused on the web of the inner world. Honestly, that can be enough. It is enough to discuss the complexities of unraveling the web of traumatic beliefs and emotions within each of us. I don’t usually focus on our external differences because the inner parts work is enough.
That said, there is an important truth I have never been able to deny no matter how neutral I attempt to make my material. My audience is comprised of almost entirely women (easily 90%). I have thought about the reasons for this. Maybe it is simply the fact that I am a woman and I naturally speak from this perspective. Maybe it is the emotional nature of this work. I am not suggesting that men don’t have emotions, but women seem to be more inclined to connect with emotions voluntarily. The controller parts in men might stay stronger for longer. It also might be that women are just tired of living with the misogyny and double standards, meaning they are far more likely to embrace change. Whatever the reason, it’s the truth. The statistics don’t lie (at least not in this case). This blog will be mostly focused on a woman’s perspective in the world today.
I will also cross another uncomfortable line today. I am going to reference two powerful women as I discuss trauma patterns in our world today. I will not name them, but you will likely know them. Both women represent something you might not agree with, but to me, they are living their lives in a way that invites an onslaught of attacks from the people who are not willing to accept a different power dynamic. They will be my examples as I discuss a major problem with the world today, a problem which has contributed substantially to women’s trauma. For women, it is critical that we understand these patterns so we can’t break free of them in our daily lives. You may or may not believe these women deserve the power they have, but please stay with me as I highlight these patterns. They might show you the ways you have been held back by the world or by your own internalized misogyny.
That was quite the introduction, but it was needed. I am discussing one of the most important topics for women today. We are entering am unprecedented time where women can claim what should have always been theirs. On the most basic level, it is equality. On the most healing level, it is freedom. Many women are standing up and saying, “I am done being trapped in a world that purposefully limits my options to keep me in a role which makes others comfortable.” That said, the backlash is immense. The attempts to “put us back in our places” have been undeniably obvious. There are two women who have been receiving the brunt of this backlash. One is in entertainment. One is in politics. Today, I want to discuss the messages that are meant to destroy a woman seeking a powerful role in our world. From a trauma perspective, this is critical because we must excavate these beliefs from within our unconscious to be free. To do that, we must see this gaslighting for what it is. It is a trick to keep us small, and it will never serve us to jump on this bandwagon. Do you need to like these women? Nope. Do you need to consider how the backlash rhetoric is impacting your own life? Yep. If it’s happening to them, it is happening to you. I will share several examples of trickery which has been used against us for generations. Please hear me out.
She’s different from you. This is an attempt to pit women against each other and it has worked for a long time. Of course, women are different from each other. Humans are different. We all bring something to this world that is somewhat unique. Unfortunately, women’s jealousy, often stirred by this gaslighting, is not helping us seek our freedom. I have watched endless attempts in the media to pit female stars against each other. Sometimes it works, but more recently, I have seen women shutting down the stupid questions attempting to create a divide. I have seen a change in the way women are supporting women. I am loving what I’m seeing. We are good at providing support to men. Now, we need to provide it to each other.
She’s not following the rules. She’s stepping out of the role we expect her to have. What are the two most prized roles for women according to the powers-that-be? You know them: children and marriage. What are the two main reasons a woman can’t be a role model? She doesn’t have children. She is not married. Here’s the problem with this. It is much more difficult to compete for power positions when we are married and/or have children. They know this. We carry most of the emotional labor in our relationships. The more relationships we take on, the less energy we have to rise up to any purpose, let alone positions of power. Powerful women are often shamed for not marrying, marrying too early, marrying too late, having lots of partners, having children and not staying home, having children and staying home, not having children. You know this list. This shaming is meant to keep us disconnected from what we really want.
She’s not good enough. They won’t come right out and say this, but the criticism about qualifications and the questions about how she got to this point (many things implied) will be plethoric. There is absolutely a double standard behind these criticisms. The underlying message is clear. She is not good enough because she is a woman. That’s it. I don’t care how many PhD’s she has. The misogyny (and unfortunately internalized misogyny) is behind all this gaslighting. It is critical to fight the tendency within us to hold women to a higher standard. It is arbitrary and it is invented by those who do not want us to succeed.
She’s mentally unwell. This has been one of the most significant tricks used against women since the dawn of time. She’s emotional. She talks about emotions. She has emotional reactions. This means she can’t handle the pressure. This means she is mentally unwell. The trauma women experience is rarely a part of this conversation, but if it is, the focus is on how we need to handle it better. Male anger is not considered a problem. All emotions from women are a problem. This is meant to shut us down. If they don’t focus on our emotions, they will focus on our truth-telling. They will say we are mentally unwell to attack the credibility of our story. This is meant to keep us disconnected from our intuitive selves who know full well that something is drastically wrong with the world and the way we are being treated in it.
Depending on where you are in recovery (which can differ by the day), you might find this rhetoric triggers different reactions in you. It might bring up futility where you can’t see the point of the fight. It might trigger anger about the injustice of all of this gaslighting. It could trigger fear because the people claiming to have more power are stepping up to crush someone doing what “they are not supposed to do”. It can also trigger shame if the words hit a bit too close to home. You might even find yourself agreeing with it when your defenders are in charge. It can feel safer to agree with those in power. Women are the underdogs right now because men have established a system of structural, financial and emotional support for their continued place of power. That said, it is time for change. The real revolution can only happen through our healing. We have to release the gaslighting and internalized misogyny which keeps us stuck. This is our collective trauma. It is time for us to collectively change the story of what it means to be women in this world.
*As a part of my inner parts work, I discuss the importance of writing from our emotional responses. These are usually the opposite of positive intentions, but they help to release the traumatic emotions in our systems so we can create new patterns in our lives. If you are feeling an emotional response to the triggering rhetoric I have just discussed, here are some prompts you can try:
Karma Kid – There is no point. They will always win.
Freedom Fighters – I am sick and tired of their tricks.
Controller – Why can’t women just stay in their place and stop rocking the boat?
