I don’t watch much television. But I have a habit of watching “This Is Us”. I watch it every Tuesday night when there’s a new episode. My controller tries to shut down any potential emotion, but for some reason, I always seem to manage to move my schedule around for an episode of This Is Us. This episode was full of emotional moments (as they are), but I was caught off guard by the last scene of this episode. I had not realized how much I could still be moved by the idea of family support. I had not realized that there was still a part within me who still considered the idea of community. A long time ago, I wrote it off. I shut the entire idea down.
Don’t get me wrong. I have two children. Together, the three of us make the best family in my opinion. There is plenty of squabbling and middle school ridiculousness (from all three of us). But it has definitely been the best family I have ever had (I know that bar is low). And there have been the occasional “family” members who have been a part of our lives (not necessarily blood-related). But the Thanksgiving/Christmas Hallmark family concept has not been a part of my thoughts for a long time. I have known better than to hang my hopes on any such possibilities. At least, I believed that to be the case.
I do everything alone. I have raised my children alone. I have dealt with every major problem with my children alone. I have taken one of my children to hospital 6 times … alone. I have dealt with financial difficulties while starting my own business … alone. I have faced crises as school … alone. I have moved 3 times … alone. I have dealt with the death of a pet five times … alone. I haven’t had that partner or family member to call and say, “What do I do now?” And that’s how it is for survivors of trauma. We make a choice. We choose between our families and our safety. And even in the worst-case complex trauma scenarios, it is hard to make that choice. We aren’t taught to go it alone. Society doesn’t recommend it. And yet, so many of us are doing just that.
And I never feel more alone than when something is going wrong. With two kids and three cats, something is going wrong often, but sometimes it feels worse than others. It would be nice to have someone around to tell me I haven’t screwed up my kids forever or that my decisions don’t suck. It would be nice to have someone eat a meal I made and not suggest that take-out would be better. It would be nice to connect with someone who had mildly similar interests (not Pokemon or Youtubers). It would be nice to have someone to share all the shitty responsibilities with (like contacting call centers or going to the DMV or vet).
So when Madison realized she was going to go through the birth of twins by herself, I could relate. When she mentioned to the doctor that she wasn’t close to her mother, I could relate. And when Randall called her to say she was family, I lost it. In some ways, I have always hoped that there might be some other family waiting to adopt me. I have always wondered if I could find a family who would let me know I wasn’t so alone. I don’t need any blood relationships. I just want to know there is someone around. There’s an emergency contact. There’s a person who I can call when things are just too difficult. And God forbid, there’s someone who can help me a little bit. I can hear my parts saying I don’t deserve that. I can hear it, but I know it isn’t true. Those are the old messages from the past. But I have been waiting a while. And the folks in the TV shows seem to find these things so much easier than me.
I have learned this journey is always asking me to step that next level into the heartbreak. No matter how many times my controller tries to tell me I have healed enough, there is another layer of the onion to peel back. There is another step towards the vulnerable humanness I have tried to avoid. The messages that “I am fine alone” come from my survival strategies. No matter how much I want them to be true, they aren’t. No matter how helpful my isolation has been in my healing journey, it is not an permanent state for me to live with. But there is a fine line to walk. Looking to others to meet my needs does not heal me. And isolating to feel safe does not heal me either. We heal in balance. We heal when we allow relationships to be vulnerable and meaningful. We heal when we sit with the painful feelings in isolation instead of running to external things. We heal when we allow others to earn trust instead of assuming they don’t deserve it. So listen to the yearning for something more. Don’t write it off. Take another small step into the heartbreak. We all deserve a bit less loneliness in our lives.
Dear Elisabeth. I resonate so deeply with the topic and experience of what I will name for myself as chronic aloneness. I was groomed to be independent as a young child and throughout developmental stages. Also a latchkey kid. One of my deepest wounds has been the repeated episodes of hopelessness and powerlessness experienced with no parental support or encouragement to kindly come along side and confidently and competently offer help, assistance with problem solving and relationship pain etc., not to mention the protection safety and security every child needs and deserves through every stage of development 9rather than treats of abandonment and punishment should I fail to be ‘perfect.’). I am learning to accept my dear younger self when she becomes so depressed and discouraged when she meets up with yet another barrier once again alone. There can be a sense of panic that surfaces along with fear and at times a kind of paralysis. The feelings of powerlessness and helplessness can be so familiar.
I now have some skill as my own loving adult parent to interact with compassion with the distraught younger expressions of myself. For myself I also find leaning into God can be helpful.
I have been fortunate to be blessed with certain friendships throughout my life that have provided the resonance, presence, attunement and trust I have always needed. I aim also to be that for others I am close too.
My heart of compassion goes out to you Elisabeth and others like us and my hope is that our painful patterns can with time and ongoing healing, change so that our lives can become more colourful and vibrant relationally and strengthened by trustworthy sincere and safe others we may invite into our lives.
That is so beautifully said! Thank you for your compassion and community as we heal together.
How beautiful!!
Incredibly valuable and honest. I’ve been alone and isolated for so long, and this year of course has taken it to a whole new level. I don’t even know where to begin to change it, or where i’d feel welcome and understood.
I understand that feeling Lainie. It is such a difficult time to cultivate community.
Awesome post ,Elisabeth!! I really needed this message today! Now, I know the world is still round & theres someone out there who gets me; Sometimes, it feels as though the world is square with 4 sides & better not get too close to the edge or theres a chance i might fall off ! Thank you for the warmth connection I feel in this post , sweet friend ! Hugs ,love & light & rich blessings! Melinda Nix
Thank you so much Melinda! It is so good to see your comment here.
Dear Elisabeth. I greatly appreciate all the writings you have written and this one as well. To break the cycle of abuse we also need to break the cycle of feeling a victim. How do we do this? Abusers start as victims. Victims who internalize abuse become abusive. This is a difficult cycle to break due to the way our minds work, storing emotions in the subconscious. The subconscious mind in moments of “perceived” threat, will over ride our conscious mind and behavior becomes unconscionable. I see this in peoples behavior. Too much abuse, leaving too much trauma can breed abusive people. Victims who think they’re special, become entitled abusers and the cycle continues. Abuse as a defense mechanism comes in many different forms. One common example is “‘shutting people out”. A victim who is hurting, feels entitled to shut people out. This in turn can be felt as abuse to the recipient. I wonder, how much of the emotional driver of “going it alone” is victim (fear) or abuse (revenge). There is not a single person on this planet who hasn’t been abusive or a victim to another person. When our trauma is so great and we become so abusive, these are moments when the subconscious mind over rides the conscious mind. We are in a traumatic state and don’t know what we are doing. As a person working through abuse as a child I have found understanding the human mind and condition a huge benefit and allows me to forgive us for our fallible behavior. Trying to be more humble and forgiving of others in life, has opened the door for more loving feelings to evolve and hoping this will reduce my life of “going it alone”.
Not all decisions are coming from the subconscious. Not all decisions are coming from survival mechanisms or perceived threat. Choosing to be alone at certain times in our lives can be a very grounded decision based on intuition. Time alone is necessary for healing on the deepest of levels. It is the balance that often shows us the true grounded nature of our choices.
Ron perhaps you need to consider working with her as well as reading her blogs. Elisabeth could possibly teach you a thing or two about awareness around victim blaming, something you are obviously not aware of.
Also I will suggest you educate yourself about Dissociative Identity Disorder. That could go along way too. Myself and others here, can clearly see that there’s something you don’t quite understand with this blog.
You have a good day chap!
It’s times like these that I like to reread the novels like The Tenant of Wildfell Hall to remind myself that not long ago (and still today in many countries) that women were trapped in abusive families and marriages. It does help stop the ruminating thoughts.
What is your intention Ron? Have you explored this?
I feel a need to respond further as I recognize anger rising within me due to boundaries being crossed.
To all the ‘Rons’ out there – this is a collective space where people can gather in vulnerability, connection, and heart space. A sacred space that is safe, supportive and loving.
Therefore, if your intention in a comment does not come from the heart (hidden agenda, no self-reflection, lack of connection or vulnerability) -you are not welcome here.
The message above was ‘masked’ in the guise of spiritual advice (when not asked for) and there was no self awareness shared, explored, or acknowledged. Be mindful of your intention, even when presented under a mask, it stinks of ego and we can smell it.
Come back in a space of love and humility and you will be embraced.
Thank you for this writing, Elisabeth. I feel lucky to have found you. I’ve never met anyone who understands the aloneness I have had my entire life. It helps to know why I have been this way after so much time. Family is such a confusing concept to me as I am estranged from any “family” I ever had and have never wanted one of my own. Most times I just don’t what to do with myself and my emotions.
Thank you Sandi. I am glad you found me. It can be hard to know what to do with our emotions after complex trauma. I try to journal them to the page as much as possible.
I resonated with this a bit in the sense of having to choose safety over community. My family and I recently left a cult (the members wouldn’t call it one but it definitely had similar characteristics), and unfortunately once you leave, you get labeled with the Scarlett letter of Betrayer. Many, if not all, will stop talking to you and there will never be any validation of treatment. The only way to gain community and acceptance again is to admit wrong and go back to this “church”. I’m still in the beginning stages of healing, but will be putting in the work to be better. Thank you for this blog post.
Thank you for sharing. It is a small comfort to me in a crumbling marriage where I felt more alone being married, then I do actually being alone. I dealt with childhood trauma, with neglect, emotional abuse and isolation as part of that and resonate with your stories Elizabeth, on always going it alone. It makes me realize that all of us, so fiercely independent were all let down by people who should have loved us. I wish you all peace and healing.