The Coronavirus is a catalyst for change. That might be an obvious statement to you. I am sure some components of your life have been turned upside down by this virus. But through my recovery, I have learned how emotions and illnesses are deeply tied together. The lungs are known to represent grief and when we allow grief to express, it changes and rearranges us in so many ways. This global pandemic is here to create global change by encouraging us to acknowledge our losses. This illness could become a healer, but we will have to let it. The losses it is causing are certainly about right now, but they are also deeply linked to our past, even generations before us. Here are some examples of what I am taking about.
Loss of our normal. There is no doubt we are all experiencing changes in our normal routines right now. Those comfortable things we had taken for granted might not be available. And we may be experiencing chaos where we once were sure of predictability. But this is also a reminder. It is a reminder of the normal we always wanted in childhood. It is a reminder of the chaos and unpredictability of a traumatic childhood. It brings us back to a childhood without a normal routine which is one of the most critical needs for a developing child. It is a loss and we need to grieve it.
Loss of safety. Things feel less safe these days. We are under attack from an invisible aggressor and this aggressor is relentless. We aren’t as safe as we were. Part of that prior feeling of safety might have been perception. Part of it might have been reality. But we feel less of it. And it is a reminder of how unsafe we felt in childhood. It is a reminder of our need to stay hypervigilant and watch our environment for signs of trouble. It is a reminder of how exhausting that was. It reminds us of an unsafe childhood. Our lack of safety needs to be grieved.
Loss of connection. Depending on your current lockdown level, you might be experiencing far less connection with others. Most of us are feeling more isolated than before. Although to be fair, some of us were already pretty good at isolating. Whether it is chosen or not, isolation is a reminder. It is a reminder of how it felt to live a lonely childhood without anyone to unconditionally love and support us. As children, we didn’t have the help and support we needed. And forced isolation can bring this back to the surface. Loss of connection needs to be grieved.
Loss of your distractions. The options for distracting ourselves from our pain have been dramatically reduced. Many of the ways we ran ourselves into the ground are off the table. This could be a good thing. The distractions don’t help us heal. But our defenders are freaking out. As children, we counted on our distractions to get us through our awful experiences and avoid utter despair. And when we could not use them, it felt like we were being victimized all over again. This can be a reminder of our powerlessness to maintain our distractions. So even our loss of distractions must be grieved.
Loss of freedom. Human beings are born free. We are meant to be free. We are meant to feel how we feel, express our true authentic selves, and chose the life we want. But we have come up against obstacles stopping that freedom. The more trauma we experienced, the more our freedom was taken. A loss of freedom to go where we want can be a reminder of the loss of all our freedoms. As children with complex trauma, those losses can be immense. A lack of freedom might be such an innate part of our lives that we don’t notice how bad it is and how we are still responding to the old programming from childhood. But we need to become aware so we can grieve this loss.
If you find yourself fighting grief through distractions or blocking grief with anger and hopelessness, you may be experiencing the reminders of your losses. If you find that you are bursting into tears a bit (or a lot) more often than normal, you may be reminded of needs which were never met in childhood. If you find yourself exhausted trying to parse out the difference between the past and today, your childhood losses might be triggered. Allow yourself to sit with your grief. The Coronavirus is here to tell us we need to feel what we haven’t allowed. We don’t have to like it. But humanity could learn a thing or two from it.
Come join us in Survivor’s Guide this month as we discuss healing trauma through difficult times.
I am not experiencing grief, I am experiencing a great deal of ANGER!!
I am ANGRY about all the losses you have listed above! The more I think about it the angrier I get!
The loss of normal, the loss of freedom, the loss of connection! Where is the grief?
I have had a great deal of grief already so I am not sure if I have moved through that already and now I am in anger or if somehow I am in denial or skipped grief altogether.
All I know is I am angry!
Angry that I cannot go outside! Angry that I cannot do things I enjoy! Angry that I cannot have normal! Angry that people are acting like everyone around them is ‘Typhoid Mary’! Angry that people feel they have a right to judge others. Angry that people feel scarcity and then hoard! WTF!!! Angry that people are controlling what you can and cannot do!!!!!
Anger is often the emotion we need to process to reach our grief. It starts the process of grieving. Keep expressing it. The grief will show up.
Thanks Elisabeth. But how many cycles of grief does one need to go through!! Even that pisses me off!
Our defenders get really angry about how much grief we need to feel. You are not alone in that feeling. I encourage you to write from that too.
Oh geeze. I needed to read this to feel normal. I have been struggling to put it all together but I knew some pieces and so this was incredibly helpful. Thank you ❤️.
Hang in there! This is not an easy time and you are not alone.
is it possible to not feel grief because one was never given any of those things? If I never had connection, how could I lose it? if I never knew freedom, how could I lose it? how do you honestly grieve something you’ve never known?
Absolutely! You can and will grieve the loss of something you never had. Deep inside, you know you were supposed to have it. Your innate wisdom knows it. The grief process is not something you have to figure out. The emotion will lead you there. You don’t have to do anything special to feel it. Well, except process the defenses you hold against it. That’s not simple.
This quarantine has essentially been my normal for the past 8 years. Its how i have had to live my life. I really had no choice. So for me this is completely normal. It almost feels good that now many are experiencing just a very small dose of what “normal” life has been like for me the past 8 years. Welcome to my world !!!
I have heard this from many survivors. You are not alone in your aloneness.
Grief. Seems like I missed about 40 years of it. And now im catching up. I had a panic or anxiety attack about an hour ago. Im getting to the nitty gritty of my grief. I’ve always looked for a safe place in this world, whether it was a closet, a neighbor, a counselor, God. A safe place, they’ve all been taken away except for God. I learned a long time ago that we are our own safe place. What a confident statement. It feels good to say that with tears in my eyes. With this Covid floating around I think im so darn tired of the fear wouldn’t it be easier just to throw in the towel and give into death already. A fight or flight mentality. And when I say that, when I think it, I feel relief. Maybe a sense of accepting the entire situation or just accepting me and my fear. Breathe. I kid you not I feel relief just writing that. I watch how confident you are Elizabeth and I watch your videos and how you have conquered the dissecting of anxiety. I want to be that good, that confident. I want to be that confident! And I know you mention we have to go through it, I’m willing to go through it too. Right now im the biggest cry baby. I have 40 years of grief balled up inside of me. The flood gates have been open for a while now. I know I’m in a living situation where im constantly triggered because my narcissistic mom lives with me. She’s a flash back all on its own. I imagine if I didn’t live with her I would probably be 50 steps ahead of where I am right now. I know that. She is the culprit of my trauma and she lives with me and now in isolation. Sometimes I just go sit in the vehicle. I feel trapped. I wish she had another living arrangement but im it. I also have a niece whose had drug addictions. She wants to come live with me. I know she shouldn’t, that’s just triggering for me. I think I’ll have to tell her no. Boundaries. Thanks for sharing about grief. This hits home for me a hundred times a day. Blessings to you and your family.
You are doing amazing things considering your living situation. That complicates everything. There is no doubt about it. Grieving changes everything. It brings confidence, acceptance and peace. It definitely brings safety. Love to you.
Anger has most certainly been a part of my grief in regards to my mother’s death some years ago, it’s a very annoying stage in the griefing process. Grief has many faces
Absolutely!
Thank you so much for sharing this piece, Elisabeth. What a blessing this is.
Thank you Trina!