The Myths of the Controller
I have a very strong controller. They love to plan out my life for me. They love to tell me what I need to do to achieve a perfect life. They have logical ideas that sound completely accurate. I can’t argue with logic. If it makes sense, it must be right, right? One of my controller’s ideas about how life works is directly related to recovery. Well, many of their ideas are about recovery. None of them are good. But one of the most common ideas is that my life will start when I am done with recovery. One day, I will wake up and feel good. And then I will be able to live my life full of rainbows and unicorns. They are sure of it. And even as I write this, it sounds like it could be true.
But over the years of recovery, I have learned a few things. It is a journey. I know you already knew that. But do you really know that? Be honest. You think there’s an end date, don’t you? If you are like me, you are pining for it somewhere in the background of your mind. You long for those years where everything will be okay, where there won’t be anymore yuck emotions and memories of the past to get in your way, where life will just make sense. But it isn’t going to work quite like that. Don’t get me wrong, you will feel better. And then you will feel worse for a while. And then you will feel even better. And there will come a day where you will think to yourself, “I can live like this. This is okay. I no longer feel like all of life is entirely against me.” But by that time, you will want to keep going in recovery because you will have seen the benefits. It’s not an end date, but it is a day worth pining for.
Life is about growth. Life is about continually shifting and changing. It requires us to feel emotions, to evaluate our current thinking, to examine our patterns as they unfold. We are not here to stagnate. We are here to change. So while we deserve to rest and practice self-care, we will always be faced with decisions and changes and difficult situations. That won’t happen because we are being punished. That will happen because we are humans living a human life. I have been thinking about the transitions that seem never ending and I wanted to share some of the myths the controller perpetuates. It is important because our expectations of life need to change. If they don’t, every change will be met with too much resistance and we will live in a pain that feels endless.
Our relationships will get to a point where they don’t cause us any pain. This might be the biggest myth of all. We see the commercials with people eating a dinner in the backyard with 30 of their closest friends since high school. They are all laughing and seem to know each other deeply. There are no fights, no struggles. We want that too. But relationships are messy. And just when you figure out one mess, there will be another. Don’t get me wrong, there is progress. But you will cycle through levels of self-understanding that will make you more and more authentic over time. You will learn to set better boundaries. You will come to understand your patterns more deeply. And you will wake up to how they are playing out in your current life. People who once seemed perfect for you may suddenly become not so perfect. There may be struggles as you work through difficulties. And some relationships won’t last. But you are progressing as you go. That is what matters.
Our purpose will become crystal clear one day. Purpose is a funny thing. It is very elusive. And if you are working a job you hate, you might be frustrated by how hard your purpose is to pinpoint. But I have learned over these years that your purpose grows and shifts with you. As you become more grounded in who you are, your purpose does too. And the available information about your purpose matches where you are today. To be brutally honest, most of us are ignoring it. It sounds too impractical to the controller, so we invalidate it. And because of that, we never move past the first step we didn’t know was a step. But even when we do follow that first step, we will still only get the information we are ready for. It shows up in steps as we grow. While I have personally followed by purpose to levels of insanity (according to my controller), there are steps yet to take. I intuitively know this even if I don’t know what those steps are. So I keep going. Don’t forget to keep going.
Life and others are going to stop attacking me with all their requests soon. I am here to tell you that won’t happen in that way. If you continue to do whatever is asked of you by others, you will spend life lost in a sea of others’ priorities. This will not stop. Your ability to set boundaries is critical to handling it throughout your life. If you do not work with the beliefs that boundaries are selfish and invite retaliation, you won’t be able to fight off the endless stream of requests. Don’t get me wrong, they do lessen as you make your boundaries clear to others. People get the message. But there are always new people. And there are always new priorities according to them. Boundaries are a lifetime goal. Plan to use them as a part of your daily routine. They will serve you well.
I like to see recovery and life as a hand-in-hand process. Actually I don’t like it. But that’s the way it works. We grow and we take a new step. We grow more and we take another step. The more you can understand the process and stop looking for that shiny day when everything is perfect, the more you can stop the suffering that happens when you don’t find it. Come along on this journey with me. It isn’t perfect. It isn’t easy. But down the road, you won’t regret it.
Exactly. So hard going through this. Struggling to believe any reason exists for life to continue. Feeling weary and exhausted and hopeless.
This is so spot on!
Hi, thanks for this timely read. I resonate with still believing somehow that there will be an ‘end-date’ when I’m fully healed. I have had a painful reminder today of when I leap too far. Instead of taking small steps, I try to take mighty ones, (or I otherwise take none at all!) Either way it winds up with being stuck, with feeling superior or inferior, a consequence I guess of not accepting myself as I am. The steadiness I need to work on will build I guess as I feel more secure within myself. I need to know consciously that its okay to take it steady and it doesn’t mean I’m not getting anywhere!
Rachel,
Thank you for your comments.
Recovery, is for me a journey not a destination.
Sometimes it is baby steps.
Sometimes it is 2 giant steps forward and I step backwards. LoL
Life in recovery, is like art.
There is no right or wrong in recovery.
We need to guard ourselves against comparison to others..
The only measure is our selves.
How are you doing today vs a year ago.. 6 months ago.. a month ago..
Progress not perfection
Enjoy your journey, one day at a time.
We didn’t get here in a day and can not reasonably expect lasting change in a day.
Gratitude for awareness, choices and small changes are the blessings..
Grace,
Paul
To me, “the controller”, means family expectations.
Old tapes, long in process of being rewritten in recovery.
A slow personality change, by the grace of God.
An old script or default, implanted since birth.
To people please, at the expense of my son and I.
For holidays, birthdays and funerals.
As you have written about starting your own family traditions and the backlash from extended family..
I have been in Alanon for 25 years now. This helps with my recovery and that I have choices..
My father died this past Wednesday at age 76.
I now need to give up hope, that it could have been different with him.
I can forgive him, but it doesn’t mean that I can trust my mother and extended family.
He was abusive towards my son, the dog and me.
My last memory of my father was seeing him restrained by 3 Cook County sheriff’s police.
Strangely enough, the way they covered his abuse, was to tell others that I was off my meds???
They get to play the victim and wallow in self pity while I get the blame..
What a disturbing way to get attention.
For the record, I have been diagnosed with sleep apnea.
I am moderately severely sleep deprived as found in 4 sleep studies.
I have had 2 CPAP machines in 7 years.
A recent sleep study at North Western Memorial Hospital in Chicago, indicated that I was misdiagnosed as bipolar, when it was actually symptoms of sleep deprivation.
Denial and blame shifting is alive and well, in my toxic / abusive family.
I let go of contact with him, my mother and ex-wife 5 years ago.
My mother covered for him, enabled him and protected the abuser for over 50 years. To me this is worse than the abuse itself.
She actually said that she married him because she felt sorry for him.
That is a marriage that confuses pity for love. So sad.
It has been a choice to walk down another street for me.
To let go and let God.
To detach with love.
My cousin called me Friday to inform me of his death and that I was now expected to call my mother and attend the funeral on Tuesday.
As you said, Elisabeth ” people who used to be perfect aren’t so perfect anymore”.
I learned the controller now extends to my cousin who attempted to use emotional blackmail to get me to comply.
She used fear, obligation and guilt tripping to get me to comply.
She also said, her son left and accused her of child abuse and DCFS had investigated her 2 years ago.
I have choices today and am an adult capable of my own decisions and of saying no. No to abuse and no to further emotional pain.
My choice is about love.
Self love. Detatchment.
Love of others, to me allows for natural consequences.
Love does not enable or remove consequences for abuse.
Love does not people please.
Love is not easily provoked.
In the beginning love meant to drop the rope.
To disengage.
Later, love meant to not pick it up.
To not be easily provoked.
Today, Love means to walk down a different street.
Love protects me emotionally and physically from being harmed by them again.
By Saturday my sister had called multiple times.I had to block her number.
Previous to this, her “controller”, contact involved 70 text messages beginning at 5:30 am.
I had to tell her to stop.
I have felt sad, angry, relieved, anxious, tired and fearfull since Friday.
Also, very much gratitude for awareness and conscious choices.
This is hard work that requires sustained, conscious effort to sidestep the traps and pitfalls.
I second guess myself and struggle with, “doing the next right thing”.
Anger and fear are buttons the controllers installed long ago, to get me to comply to meet their needs and ignore my own.
As you can see, they have no boundaries and do not respect mine.
Recovery, is a day at a time, journey, not a destination.
I recently learned, since stepping back, my ex-wife was divorced for a fourth time.
So sad. My son is in the middle of her drama.
Sometimes recovery, is a step, a minute, at a time.
Sometimes it is, one step forward and 2 steps backwards.
As you wrote Elisabeth, “boundaries are selfish and invite retaliation”.
Slow progress, not perfection, today.
Grace to you and your family.
Paul
Thank you Paul. Keep stepping forward out of the old way and into your self-compassion and self-love. You deserve protection from abuse. You are allowed to say no to that family and all they do to hurt you.
Elisabeth,
Thank you for your comments and your time.
Since writing, I was at a church service. A friend and I spoke for about half an hour.
He said that he believes in putting more faith in spiritual principals than psychology.
He also said Love covers over a multitude of sins.
The service was about miracles and to get a miracle there are actions we must take.
After 5 years of no contact, I called and texted my mother 3 times.
My cousin gave me her cell phone number where I left 2 messages.
Later my cousin said that my mother rarely used the cell.
So the third message was on the home phone.
She returned the call and left a message for me.
She sounded frail.
I texted my cousin about that and she texted back saying my mother is frail from caretaking my sister and father for the past year.
We finally spoke and agreed to meet for lunch at a nearby neutral place.
My controller almost agreed to meet at her home but I said I wasn’t comfortable with that.
We talked, my aunt, mother and my self for about 2 hours.
We agreed to draw a line in the sand, let go of the past and move forward.
At one point I had to advocate for my truth and spoke candidly of my father’s abuse of 2 dogs, my son and myself.
My mother said she never knew, began crying and said she wished she was dead.
She’s greiving and still in denial.
Lots of self pity.
They wanted to see my apartment. I agreed.
They offered to take me shopping as my car was stolen.
I agreed.
My aunt insisted on paying for lunch and the items purchased at Walmart.
Rubber boots for work, a new rug and fresh linens.
On the way out of Walmart the hook.
My aunt was using things to get me to agree to go to my mother’s house to help clean up the cluttering from my father.
She wants me to cut grass and shovel snow.
To live there, so my mother can have a vacation in Florida.
All things I’m not willing or able to do.
I spoke with my friend of 25 years who gave me a number for a service that helps with decluttering.
I plan to pass it on.
It’s hard having boundaries around people with no boundaries.
Slow progress not perfection.
Candidly, I feel angry and frustrated about the attempt to manipulate me.
The family is enmeshed.
I told my parents 10 years ago to downsize.
All their friends who were empty nesters bought smaller homes.
It seems to me that she has an emotional attachment to the house.
It also comes across that they made a choice that is now too much responsibility and she wants me to help bear the consequences of that decision.
Being supportive while being detached is messy.
I feel stressed and tired allot lately.
I feel a bit anxious and overwhelmed emotionally.
Thanks for listening.
Grace to you and your family Elisabeth.
Sincerely,
Paul
I am so glad you were able to stand your ground and keep your boundaries as they tried to rope you in. You are right about how messy it is. But the more you practice your boundaries with them, the less they will try to do it. It takes time though.