I haven’t been in a great place this past week. My computer’s hard drive crashed and it didn’t sit well with my parts. Even though I did not lose data, my productivity loss triggered the futility from beneath the surface. I was inundated with theories from my parts. Maybe the universe is punishing me. Maybe my abusers had infiltrated my computer and destroyed my hard drive. Maybe I wasn’t meant to run this business. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be happy. Maybe this was a sign I don’t even belong on this planet. As you can see, it went south very quickly. And in my usual fashion, I wrote from it and it helped. But it was still a hard week. And I am still catching up.
When we go through childhood trauma, part of our reality will be fueled by futility. Don’t get me wrong, everyone on the planet deals with it to some extent. But for us, it is particularly strong. While futility is a horrible feeling, we can make it so much worse by battling it. When the battle starts, it can lead to far more mental, emotional and physical pain. So, I am going to outline several steps you can take when this feeling takes over because I know it will. These aren’t the steps you normally hear in the mainstream. They aren’t even steps that are easy to comprehend based on how we treat ourselves. These steps are about being kind to self. And it is about time we did that.
- Do anything possible to be present. Grounding is very difficult for us to do. We have spent our entire lives running from our bodies. It is understandable. Our bodies store the memories and emotions from the past. But when we are feeling futility, it is important we see it as a flashback. It is even critical because futility can lead to suicidal ideation. So, we need to do whatever it takes to be as present as possible.
- Be aware the futility is there. Futility can be stealth. It is tricky. If we aren’t aware of it, it will take over our day and we won’t know why we feel the way we do. It descends like a heavy blanket and sings its siren song. This is the song that says, “Don’t do anything. There’s no point anyway.” It is the path of least resistance. And when we have no energy, it is incredibly convincing.
- Write from it if you can. In my opinion, futility is the hardest emotion to write from. The very nature of futility convinces us there is no point. That means there is no point to writing either. But if we use our will to reach for that journal, it will make a huge difference in how we feel. If you don’t know what the message sounds like, here are some suggestions for where to start. “What’s the point?” “Nothing is going to change.” “This won’t make any difference.”
- Manage your controller. When the controller comes up, acknowledge them, write from them, but ignore their suggestions. The controller panics when the futility sets in. The controller does not understand the temporary nature of our emotional states. They think in black and white. Whatever state we are in now will be our state forever. They become overwhelmed with fear and start making lists in your head. “We must get this done. We must succeed at that. If we don’t do XYZ today, we are going to be homeless.” This state of paralysis with a manic mind is my own personal definition of hell. And yes, I have lived this hell many times. But the futility will not be with you forever. You have functioned before and you will function again. Recognize that and let go of the list for this moment.
- Take time for yourself. You have heard it a million times. I know that. But normally, it is advertised as something beautiful and exotic like a spa day. That is not always possible. Allow yourself to sit for a while. If you are a parent, put the kids in front of a movie and give them a popsicle. Take a nap if you want to. Allow yourself to leave the house without make-up or hair done. Save the chores for tomorrow. Take a sick day. The guilt is going to come. You have never been allowed to consider what you wanted. The controller will tell you that you aren’t being a model citizen or a good parent or a good enough employee. But fighting the moments when rest and compassion are needed will not make you feel better and might even get you sick.
- Keep reminding yourself that you will come out of it. As I mentioned above, every one of our emotional states is temporary. Sometimes the only solace I can hang onto is its temporary nature. Allow yourself to acknowledge that. Make a note to remind yourself about it. Know that if you rest right now, you won’t be resting for the rest of your life. Your energy will return. But the more you bring awareness to the futility, the more temporary it will be.
None of these steps are easy. And this message is for me as much as anyone right now. I teach this to my clients and it is still hard to follow. But the more we can bring awareness to our futility cycles, the better we will ride these waves and come out the other side. Don’t let your controller build a dam. The pain of that battle will be intolerable. Sit with your futility. Hear the message. Honor the story. And it will pass.
I am jumping around between completely empty, heartbroken, desperate, and afraid. My only supporter is my counselor and I’ve recently pulled away because I’m so attached to her. It hurts every time I leave her and I can’t imagine life without her. I’m not making progress because I’m obsessive over the idea that a I want her to love me in return andnif she doesn’t or can’t it doesn’t seem possible to move forward. I know that self compassion and self love are what are suppose to fill the void but it’s just not possible. Yes, I am a sex abuse victim in childhood by another female and I was raped in high school due to poor decisions placing myself in bad situations. I love my counselor and I want her in my life as a nurturer and I want to give to her like she gives to me. I don’t want to move ahead without her. I’ve been with her for 5 years and I cancelled my first appointment with her out of fear. My emotions are so strong when I’m with her and I can’t seem to rationalize anything. Just flooded with complete emotions. She knows how I feel. I currently don’t have anything further scheduled and I don’t want to bother her. I’m actually numb and tearful right now.
I am so sorry for your pain Jen. Your love seeker is freaking out and your isolator is trying to protect her. But neither have the right answer. Can you write from this love seeker, the little child who wants your therapist to love her? Writing can help us break the enmeshment and help us to separate from our parts a bit. It can give us a bit of breathing room, so we can make a decision from another place.
And you didn’t get raped in highs school because of your poor decisions. You were raped in high school because of rapists. Love to you.
This post was just what I needed to hear, as I currently feel stuck in the futility cycle. I know that when I start to isolate myself and not reach out to my friends or therapist, that things are going downhill. I also start going back to maladaptive coping mechanisms. We are working with IFS/parts work, which helps me to understand when you talk about different parts. Thanks for your blog. It makes me realize how normal these thoughts and feelings are, because of having lived through childhood sexual abuse.
I am so glad to hear this post helped you! And it sounds like you are building some amazing awareness of your parts and the coping they bring. Thank you for your comment and you persistence in your healing journey.
Wow again!
This is exactly what I’m experiencing right now. I can’t seem to get a handle on things. Everything is floaty and fuzzy and my anxiety and fear is off the charts… man, it’s even scary admitting and typing that now. My controller is freaking out. Futility can be paralyzing. Finally, I’ve accepted my futility, but like you suggested, I’m fighting by writing here, right now. My IBS has been acting up, my appetite is down, my energy is gone but I’m writing. Hearing that this futility is TEMPORARY is key… it’s that light at the end of the tunnel… TEMPORARY, love that word right now. I’ve been taking more naps at 50. I definitely need to better my diet, lay off the salts and sugars. And walk more or exercise or just be more active…I know that plays alot into my futility. I know what activated my futility this time… trying to meet expectations and trying to measure up, listening to advice where I’m told to disregard my emotions and disregard my feelings and to quit complaining, don’t live in the past, etc… all of a sudden I couldn’t keep up, measure up and finally, iwas engulfed with holding everything in…I finally threw in the towel, hence, the futility. Talk about setting myself up for failure. I thank God for what you do Elisabeth. Your words, your shares help. Here I was feeling so inadequate and all along I was right where I needed to be…I accept who I am and where I am today… that feels so good to word… writing is key.
You are right where you need to be Regina! The futility is visiting but it won’t be there forever. Keep writing and taking little steps to take care of you and your parts.
This is strange Elisabeth because I was just about to write about the awful futility I am feeling at the moment and the post here has come round to me again just at the right time.
But Ivwonder if, once futility begins in one aspect of your life, it starts to creep into a lot of other areas too? This is how it seems to be taking me down at the moment and it is crushing my creativity as it goes. The more things the futility blankets, the tougher it seems to contemplate pulling out of it. But I must try to remember that these feelings are from the past, try to find my grounded adult self somehow, and remember that these feelings will pass.
Futility does creep. Keep remembering that futility is from the past and it is a defense against something. It is trying to block an emotion or memory from the past. And it isn’t the truth (although I know how much it feels like it). Write from the futility as much as you can. That will help you see that it is not the truth now.
I know that all of these messages are very old, but I’m reaching out anyways. I’m about to the end of my rope. I have no family love in my life, and family is so important. I’m sad, depressed, and more. Last time I got a hug, was about 2 years ago at my best friends funeral. I’m so sad and alone. Just found your group. Hoping I may benefit from it. ❤️