This weekend I joined the billions who obsessed over the royal wedding. Maybe I didn’t obsess, but I definitely watched it. And I am not ashamed of that. My love seeker was a little disappointed that she won’t be marrying Harry. But otherwise, I could not have been more happy with the event and the changes it implies. Honestly, it was a nice distraction from the chaotic and unstable world around us right now. It was nice to see a bit of fairy tale amidst the yuck.
My interest in the wedding did not get past Facebook. My feed did what it normally does. All I had to do was click on one article about the wedding and suddenly, EVERYTHING in my feed was about the wedding. I have to admit, it was overkill. But this is Facebook. This is how it works. As I scrolled through hundreds of wedding posts, I did get drawn in to one article. It was an article about Meghan’s half brother and his attacks. It included a letter he wrote to Prince Harry warning him not to marry her. I guess you have to be pretty bold or stupid to write a letter to the royal family attempting to educate them about their romantic choices. And I am sure the royal family is used to that kind of nonsense. I only read the first paragraph before I had enough. I really don’t have any interest in that kind of betrayal. But for some reason, I skipped to the end. That is when the trigger came. I felt the anger build as I saw two words.
Family First
I immediately closed the site. I was furious. This phrase is the basis for the majority of the familial abuse on the planet. Abusers rely on the pressures behind “family first” to justify all of their mistreatment and transgressions. Let’s talk about what these two small words do to our psyches, society and the planet as a whole.
“Family first” invalidates anger. When society uses “family first” as a mantra, it teaches everyone that being angry at family members for their treatment is not acceptable. We learn that all family wrongdoing is to be ignored or forgiven for the sake of family. This encourages the acceptance of poor treatment, even abuse. It also negates our ability to be angry at other poor treatment. If it is acceptable within the family, it becomes acceptable in the rest of the world. This is how our trauma patterns are formed. And with our anger held at bay, there is not a catalyst to change those patterns.
“Family first” traps us in a small life. Society teaches us that family matters more than anything else. And this gets translated to mean our dreams and ultimate purpose matter less. We might understand that our life needs to stay small in support of our family. It might even mean that our life can be no bigger or bolder than our other family members. We can’t become who we are meant to be. This traps us in a small life and builds inner resentment over all the amazing things we had hoped to accomplish. And when this happens on a global scale, it makes the world a less amazing place.
“Family first” keeps us in the past. If we have to honor our family patterns, this means we can’t let go of them. We have to perpetuate them in our daily lives. This means we cannot grow out of patterns that don’t suit us in adulthood. We might feel destined to be people-pleasers. We might feel destined to be bullied and abused. We can’t live life from an empowered perspective because we have to honor the disempowered role we served in the family. To break free of this role in society, we have to recognize how wrong it was in our families. We have to put the blame where it belongs. And “family first” tells us that’s not allowed.
The next time you hear someone shouting about “family first”, look for the abuses they are trying to justify. It probably won’t be hard to spot. They may be using it to invalidate emotions or expression. They might be using it to keep another from realizing their dreams. But I guarantee it isn’t meant in a loving way. Loving families don’t need to remind each other to put family first. If family is loving and respectful, we would gladly elevate them to the role they are worthy of. And they would never try to hold us back. Those are families who are meant to be first.
You are right. My mother used this phrase all the time to convince me that I didn’t need any friends…I needed no one But her. And to this day it is difficult for me to make friends not because I don’t want them, but because I am unsure how to maintain anything beyond an office or work friendship.
You make such a good point. “Family first” can be used to isolate. And that will dramatically affect our relationships in adulthood.
Thank you for your words Elisabeth. I was caught up in a similar way. I was reflecting on how Meghan was left to deal with, in a very public way,.with this situation and it also caused me to reflect.on the common patterns within all familiar abuse.
I honoured the choices Meghan made for herself and the strength and courage that would have required – as certain others speculated why she was estranged from the majority of her family (like it was some reflection of her). To me it seems clear, the estrangement has nothing to do with Meghan. She evidently made a call a long time ago not to participate in the abuse that was and that continued to be dished out to her. I found that affirming, inspiring and as well.as so much about the choices around the wedding that were made to break with tradition which no longer serves.
I agree Katerina. I am sure she will have her own inner journey to release herself on all levels, but she is taking steps to live her life and that’s tremendous.
I love you Elisabeth! Awesome, thank you for bringing the truth to light.
Everything happens for a reason and it is only my personal opinion but I believe that Meghan’s courage and strength (yes, it takes great courage and strength) to step out of the role her family had prescribed her is to be an inspiration for all.
The publicity around her circumstances is actually meant for the world to see the possibilities, the hope, the dream that is possible when you step out of the ‘role’ that you were handed in your abusive family and you marry your PRINCE CHARMING! It is only through the closing of one door than another door can open.
It is only when we live our TRUTH that we can step into our life fully in all that we deserve and dream of. How beautiful to be witness to such bravery, beauty and strength.
Thank you Meghan, thank you Elisabeth and thank you to all of you who are finding your way home – your true home. Providing the courage for others to follow. That is a blessing.
Hugs.
Thank you Wendy. This is so eloquently said.
My father used that phrase. He also said what goes on in this house is nobody’s business but ours. That sure covered a lot of abuses. We weren’t allowed to talk to others about the smallest of things never mind about the huge things. We don’t hang out our dirty laundry for the world to see. It didn’t occur to me that we shouldn’t have dirty laundry!
Your father pulled out all the stops. He wasn’t taking any chances that you might speak up.
Elisabeth, This is an excellent post, as usual. Though I didn’t endure the horrific abuse you suffered, there have been issues in my family linked to narcissism, bullying and lying. It’s so true that unless there is something wrong, there is no need to say family first. So much of what you have dealt with, I can relate to.Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Diana!
First of all, Sarah is not my real name.
Yet, what I’m sharing is my honest opinion.
Yes, I totally agree. Family shouldn’t always come first, especially if the family has caused a lot of psychological damage. If there are unhealthy family dynamics and if one overall experiences a form of disrespect, neglect, and lack of consideration of one’s feelings.
One’s biological parents are not always the best. That doesn’t mean one needs to hate them or harm them in any way, but that means that one should be allowed to keep that relationship in a way that suits one best. Sometimes regular visits might be not the best way. So one should be allowed to express one’s care in other ways. Perhaps through a card, through some flowers sent, etc…. there are possibilities.
In other words, sometimes, one needs to break away from one’s family of origin to heal and to stay mentally healthy.
These aren’t easy steps and what makes it so tremendously difficult are phrases like that “family comes first” or “family needs to stay together” and people in one’s circle of friends, who try to make you feel guilty for not doing it the way they think it needs to be done or even punish you by withdrawing their friendship or support, etc.
Or in some cases trying to shame you by bragging about how well they treat their parents.