One of the most frustrating aspects of trauma recovery is the constant feeling we are torn in multiple directions. It renders decision-making almost impossible. And it feels like we are crazy. As a matter of a fact, many people believe that holding two opposing opinions simultaneously is not possible or is the basis for a psychological disorder. Cognitive dissonance is often touted as a problem that needs to be solved. But let me tell you a secret. Everyone struggles with it.
When I first discovered my own inner parts, it was amazing to me how many things suddenly made sense. I could explain the unexplainable things in my life through the existence of inner parts. As time went on, I discovered that my own inner parts had taken over at times (often referred to as switching). This is also known as dissociative identity disorder (D.I.D.). In my case, I had stopped switching by the time I discovered it. But the presence of such a strong inner parts system has led me to deep understanding of my inner landscape. So for that, I am grateful.
But the presence of inner parts is not restricted to those with D.I.D. and severe complex trauma. Everyone has parts. The separation of parts of self is a natural response for children growing up in a traumatic world. Everyone has had a traumatic response in childhood. It is a given. And these inner parts are responsible for the dissonance that lives within us. It is there whether we see it or not.
You may be wondering what it looks like, so I will give some examples of how dissonance shows up through our inner parts. I have three examples of how our parts fight with each other, creating all sorts of dysfunction in our external lives.
- Oppression. There are inner parts who are specifically created to oppress other parts. They repeat the statements of the abusers. They numb the system out completely or use defensive emotions (like anger and futility) to avoid the more vulnerable emotions that lead to memory recovery. They flood the mind with lists of trivial tasks and analyses of the world in general. Their entire goal is to avoid the expression from other parts that scare them. The controller and the mean kid are two of the parts most likely to employ these tactics and will do it at the moments when breakthroughs are more likely.
- Yin/Yang Twins. Some parts are literally born to be opposites. They are created simultaneously from a core memory for the purpose of addressing a cognitive dissonance too intense for the child to process. One inner part believes one thing. The other inner part believes the opposite. And they spend their lives fighting over that perspective in your head. Sounds like fun, huh? I have found two examples of this in my own system. My mean kid and karma kid were created from one event. One hated my abusers. The other saw me as just like them (turning the hate inward). My love seeker and inner rebel runner were created from one event. One wanted to find love at any cost. The other wanted to avoid it at any cost.
- Sabotage. While all our inner parts are different, they have one thing in common: fear. Their goal is to keep their fear under control by ensuring avoidance of whatever they don’t want to happen. This means that nothing ever really happens to fruition. This is most damaging (and likely) when we are attempting to make progress through our grounded adult self. Our intuitive and purposeful steps forward are terrifying to our defenders. They will go out of their way to fight our progress as much as possible. And when our defenders are winning the battle and keeping things calm and quiet, our other parts will sabotage their efforts. It is an endless cycle of sabotage.
You may be wondering if this is happening in your own system. After all, I am discussing a pattern that is largely unconscious unless we are actively looking for it. But as I said earlier, it is inevitable. There are some signs you can look for. If you are experiencing these realities, your inner parts are fighting.
- Anxiety. I have often talked about anxiety being the “battle of the parts”. When we are experiencing anxiety, it is a guarantee that our parts are fighting. Someone is angry and needs to express in writing. If you need a good writing prompt, start with “What the fuck are you thinking?” Let the parts battle it out with each other or your grounded self.
- Paralysis. This can be caused by anxiety, but it can also be caused by a flood of futility and hopelessness leading to a full depressive episode. This is caused by a defender or freedom fighter who is in sabotage-mode. If you sense paralysis, take a few minutes to write from the futility. If you are looking for a prompt, try “What’s the point? Nothing will change.”
- The Opinion Pendulum. Often our parts will take turns driving us crazy. One minute, we are heading toward one extreme. The next minute, we are heading toward the other. We will know it is our parts because the opinion is rarely balanced. We are either the worst person on the planet or we are superior to all the idiots in existence. Let that express too.
- Desperation. When we desperately want something, it is often a sign of an inner part who is being sabotaged by another. It is a sign of an inner block as opposed to an external one. That can be hard to consider since we are used to assuming it comes from outside the self. If there is something you desire desperately, listen for the unconscious inner part who doesn’t want it. Believe me, it is there. Write from it.
There is nothing more powerful in recovery than learning your inner landscape. The more awareness you can bring to your inner conversation, the more you can heal, take action and reach your goals. Take time to watch and listen to yourself. You won’t be disappointed. Seriously. You are much more interesting than you think.
I have known this about myself for quite sometime. I can relate to this entire article and you have put into what I’ve never understood but know so well. I know all of my inner voices …..I actively listen to them all the time. I think I have also then created one that is trying to make all the decisions and end the battle. I wish I could balance them and have a truer harmony within. That is what I’m working on now! Thank you so much for this information.
Thank you Crystal. It is possible to find balance with them, but it definitely takes quite a bit of listening to get there. It sounds like you are on your way to ending the inner battles.
I discovered this in May, that I had been switching almost my entire life. I thought that it had only happened in my youth and had not continued into adulthood. I was wrong. The process of reintegration is very frustrating because the voices wanting to be heard and felt are so intense. Also, what they are telling me just seems to unbelievable. To listen to a conversation being carried on in your head is very disorienting. It makes me feel crazy. I feel crazy writing this. The process of discovery is arduous and very painful. You described a lot of what I’m experiencing almost perfectly. I’m not having the extreme dissociations like I have been, so maybe everyone inside that brain of mine are, well, I think I’m still trying to figure that out.
This is a very disorienting process. There is no doubt about it. Keep up the hard work. I can tell by your comment that you are making progress with your parts.
How can I support my wife who’s suffering from CPTSD? I’m not a great conversationalist and sometimes fail to pick up on comments she makes about herself and therefore fail to pursue the conversation.
I always recommend to partners to find therapy that will help them to heal their own traumas. We tend to be matched with people who have symbiotic triggers so if a partner becomes very aware, they can break the cycle of triggers in the relationship. The more you understand yourself, the more you can understand others (and potentially help them).
Great writing and we’ve known inner battles for over 25yrs as one with DID and switching. Your right, everyone is multiple they have their work persona, they superior one, their inner bitch mamma bear but not everyone is like me. Not everyone loses time and space multiple times in a day and other parts completely take over without my having knowledge of it. Or writing online and it being deleted or blocked. They don’t have the pleasure of each and every one voicing a different thought or concern than my own either. Having DID is tiring but its also joy intermixed with the pain. Nobody wants to hear from your parts with the exception of Elizabeth and when they do, it’s either in my case I’m a world wide freak show,people fear me or want to gain understanding. The problem is knowing an inner landscape is the first step and in my case, the others in my system drew a map of parts known at that time in various colors. It was an incredibly valuable tool through the years. Knowing and finding my parts and fragments of parts and how each of us can combat the aftermath is what we are working towards to this day. To be co-present. Knowing is not enough, it’s breaking into those pieces of our compartmentalized trauma that has been the equivalent of opening ticking time bombs and what then? Everyone not only wants to be heard, they want a sense of purpose, validation, direction. NONE of me was ever anything..not a child, an adolescent and striving to live with all of these deficits. My parts seek these things in me and are remain angry, they seek it in therapist and there is no therapy for us. We used to be more cohesive and more of a unit and it only takes ONE thing .. ONE! My parts write and the futility comes from inaction? Desperation is the hope that anything will change and fighting all odds for it even though.
Thank you very, very much. Big job ahead of me, but thanks for your tools. I thought I had done some work, but can see, there is quite a bit more to do here.
Thank you Mette. There is always more work than we can see. It is hard to consider that without futility. But as we heal, it gets better and better.
Dear Elisabeth,
Thank you so much. It´s finally beginning to make sense to me through the chaos.
Oh wow, I guess, that was me with the other comment from a year ago. In any case, it is great to see even just a little more sense in it all. Makes it easier to accept and work with which is probably obvious. These aspects of human nature, right? And our own personality and history.
I have made sense in other ways of other things but this some of the deeper stuff, eh.
Thanks again for all you great work and generosity
Love,
Mette
Thank you Mette. These blogs often hit our consciousness in new ways depending on where we are in our healing journey.