It will probably come as no surprise that I have struggled in relationship for most of my life. Until I had children, I never felt like a priority to anyone. And I can hear that inner part who tells me that my children have no choice in the matter. So I guess the real statement is I have never felt like a priority to anyone who had a choice. That sounds pitiful. And I am not looking for pity. I am just being honest because let’s face it, somebody has to be honest about this stuff. And I’m going to be very honest. This discussion feels a bit risky, and for me, that is saying something. But risk is becoming a part of my daily life these days, despite how much my controller hates it.
My relational life has revolved around this concept of “low priority”. When I have truly fallen for someone, they have always been unavailable. By unavailable, I mean they were either involved in a relationship or healing from a previous relationship. I was an afterthought. I was someone to pass the time with. I was the person who would get them from one real relationship to another. But I was never going to be that real relationship for them. I was never important enough to them. And the most significant problem was I didn’t know this. I would tell myself they would focus on me soon. I would tell myself they were going to leave that other relationship anytime and make me the priority. I would tell myself things would get better.
But that was never going to happen. In those few cases where someone decided to make me the primary partner, I lost interest pretty quickly. Deep down inside, I knew something must be wrong with them if they picked me. I wasn’t good enough to be the priority. I knew it without a doubt. And in reality, these people did hold a tremendous amount of pain. Their pain rivaled mine as it does in relationship. They were addicted to something and it wasn’t me. And I was addicted to the running, the busy, the people-pleasing, whatever it took to distract from the lack of connection I felt.
And because of my repressed memories, I never understood what was happening. Why was I always the “girl on the side”? Why was I never the priority? I was successful at my work. I was persistent. I wore my perfection mask well. I fit the mold of what society thought was right. I knew what to do in all areas of my life except relationships. And relationships were always a nightmare. So what was the problem?
But then my questions were answered. And while the answers were good to have, they were also painful to have. I was the “girl on the side” because that was my pattern. I was always the “girl on the side” from the time I was born. (And here is where it gets cringe-worthy.) I was never someone’s daughter. I never had parents. I was involved in one affair after another from a very young age. I was “the other woman” when I was 8. I was competing with my mother and my grandmother for attention from my father and my grandfather. And this was not good attention. This wasn’t even attention I wanted. This was sexual attention.
And I was shamed for it. I was treated as though I was the problem. I was a horrible person for creating this triangulation between myself and the marriages around me. It was shameful what I did to them. I created a strain in their relationship because I was the shameful little “girl on the side”. I was the shameful little secret in the family. And when it came to the public image, it was my job to pretend. I had to pretend I wasn’t the “girl on the side”. I had to pretend I was in a different role, a role I didn’t play on a daily basis inside the home. I had to act like they were the couple and I was just the daughter, the perfect little daughter.
But in reality, I was learning a toxic relationship pattern. I learned how to compete with women and accept my role as the low priority in the love triangle. I learned I only mattered for one thing and I should be ashamed of it. I learned that I would never win the competition for priority in relationship. I learned that my needs would never matter. And of course, that became my life pattern …
until I woke up.
And now I am learning something new. I am learning I will never be a low priority again. I am learning my way to a better life is in breaking this pattern. I have said “enough is enough” to this relationship pattern. I will not live it anymore. I will no longer accept that kind of love because I am worth more than my parents showed me I was worth. And I am willing to walk away from this kind of “love” until the universe gets my message.
No more will I be the “girl on the side”.
Wow. I read some similarities there for sure. Thank you for being so vulnerable. <3
Thank you Victoria for that validation! Love to you.
I can relate…
Thanks…
Working with giving myself the quality time I feel I’m lacking in my relationship.
Marriage to myself.
Definitely helping.
Thank you
That is really the only way to stop our patterns. Thank you.
I learned that sex meant acceptance and approval. So that when as an adult, our (my partner and I) libido fluctuates, and I’m not having as much sex, I feel like there is something wrong with me.
This has been a powerful belief for me too Katie.
My little girl is crying for your little girl and my heart goes out to both. Blessings to where you are now.
Thank you Joan. Blessings to you too.
Thank you, thank you for daring to BE. That is so beautiful! I feel the grief, yet it does not define you or I. Much love to your little one, she deserves all the best…no seconds for you 🙂 It is your birthright.
You provide such clarity for others which serves us all. <3
Hugs.
Thank you Wendy!
Elisabeth,
You are so brave to share your raw feelings…and they are such a mirror of my own. Thank you. Thank you for putting words to my feelings. ?
Love and light,
Michelle
Thank you so much Michelle!
Sending love!! I believe there’s someone for everyone or maybe even two or three people over a lifetime!
Thank you Kate!
That was very powerful writing Elisabeth, you named it !!!
I felt that I was only good for one thing too, that the rest of me wasn’t important as no one had valued it before. A heartbreaking pattern of behavior to learn as a child and undo as an adult.
I am seething with bubbling anger at the thought of how “those” kind of people treat innocent children. THEY are disgusting!
yvette x
You are right Yvette. They are disgusting. Thank you so much!
Wow! Elisabeth you brought this to light and Yvette nailed it right on the head!
“A heartbreaking pattern of behavior to learn as a child and undo as an adult”
That statement clearly shows that we were just innocent children – the behavior was TAUGHT and learned from guardians who were supposed to show us the way – show us Love – but they didn’t know what Love was.
The important thing to remember is that there is NOTHING wrong with us – were were/are innocent, we are not broken, unworthy or undeserving – this was all TAUGHT to us. Put the responsibility back where it belongs.
Love to you all.
So true Wendy!
Elisabeth, when you said, “never a priority until you had children jumped right out to me. How true this was for me. I got married right out of h.s. to someone I didn’t even know to escape my home life. We started a family right away, I was 18. Then over three marriages I have 5 children that became my life. I spent the time from 18-50 being a mom and trying my hardest to never make the same mistakes that I grew up with. I vowed that my children would never ever feel unloved or unwanted. Then at 50 when my youngest graduated and went off to college is when my world came tumbling down. Left feeling all so abandoned and alone the memories started flooding my brain day and night never being able to escape my childhood again.
I completely understand that Grace. When we define ourselves by these relationships (which we are encouraged to do by our trauma), this becomes the result. Redefining ourselves takes time to work out. Our trauma recovery work is so helpful with that though. Love to you.
Congratulations! Welcome to the other side of self-worth. Hoping everyone who reads this will join you in the sunshine.
Thanks for the beautiful reminder to let old patterns go so new belief systems can emerge. Thanks also for being so brave! You rocked it Elisabeth! Big Smile.
Thank you Denise!
Wow. This is exactly the emotional upheaval I am dealing with today, and have been fighting for the past year. Thank you so much for this timely post. Here’s to you being a priority!
Thank you! I am glad this was timely for you. We can make ourselves a priority.
Your posts are wonderful and equally wonderful are the comments others post. Grace Hope’s comment that her world came tumbling down when her child left for college — how I can relate! My son went to college locally, but moved 1200 miles away shortly after he graduated college. I thought I was mentally and emotionally prepared for it. I knew others who struggled with empty nest syndrome and was sure I was immune to that having been so independent myself. Boy was I wrong. Now I realize it wasn’t necessarily his moving away, it was losing priority status with the one human being who made me feel valued. My entire life was colored by abandonment by a long list of family members, lovers, friends, work colleagues – with my parents at the top of that list. When my son moved, he also pulled away emotionally to gain his own independence. I understood it and did my best to grant him space, but I barely survived. My world unraveled – one thing after another until I was ripped from the person I use to be (or thought I was). My career withered away, my finances, my house, my identity as a mom and a trainer and a homeowner and a neighbor and a manifester. All gone. At 53, I was in such bad shape emotionally and financially that I had to move in with the original abusers/abandoners. And things got increasingly worse. It was torture. Yet…I had this innate knowing that my Higher Self must have had some big purpose for stripping me of everything and forcing me back into the most traumatic environment in the world. It’s been 4 years and a lot of work, discoveries, self-hypnosis, setting boundaries, new behaviors, breaking of patterns, inner child work and s l o w l y learning to put myself first. (Notice that’s the last thing I said? “Learning to put myself first” – becoming my OWN priority). All that has been helpful, more importantly, I think learning about the parts and how to communicate with them “individually” has been the missing link since up until recently I was only focused on “1 inner child” never knowing about all the different parts that split from me. Anyway, I’m only beginning that now and already I have incredible hope (and after thinking hope was gone, this feels wonderful).
That must have been such a heartbreaking and gut-wrenching experience. I went through a similar “loss of identity” and it was so difficult to learn that I was more than those labels I had assigned myself. I am so glad you are finding this inner parts work now. I know with all the amazing work you have done, this will help so much.