We often talk about triggers as if they are catastrophic events which leave us (and everyone in our vicinity) reeling from the retraumatization. Many believe that a trigger has to be something so closely linked to our trauma there is no mistaking the pattern in place. This can lead us to the false belief that trigger avoidance is a feasible strategy for life after trauma. This also leads us to the false belief we will know when our past trauma is triggered.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been some huge triggers in my life. When my children’s father abandoned our family, the resulting emotional wreckage was clear and intensely painful. While I didn’t have my memories back yet, I knew the impact on my life was significant. I knew it was a reminder of something. I just didn’t know what.
But most of my triggers are not the proverbial “baseball bat from the universe”. They are whispers. And they leave me with a general sense that things aren’t right. They leave me with the sense that I am trying to fix the unfixable, to live a life that wasn’t mine to live. Most of my triggers seem to be saying, “You are fighting a losing battle.” In reality, I am not fighting a battle at all. But my inner parts don’t know that. They believe this life is all about the fight. They are fighting to stay alive. They are fighting for resources. They are fighting to get the love they want.
And when a series of things goes wrong or doesn’t work the way I planned, the feeling sets in. Why are they fighting so hard when it doesn’t work? Why are they exhausting themselves for nothing? The world is against them. It would be better to give up.
While the sentiment is wrong, some of those questions do need to be asked. Why are we fighting so hard? Really. Is life supposed to be a fight? I struggle with this one all the time. From everything I read, it seems letting go would be a better approach. At the very least, it would be much less exhausting. But those exhausted parts are the first to protest when I consider that possibility.
What would happen if I stopped worrying? Something important would be missed.
What would happen if I let the universe work for me? The universe will betray them.
What would happen if I stopped fighting? Death.
To my inner parts, death is the only real outcome of letting go. Although they are sure it will be preceded by betrayal and failure. So they fight against all of it. They fight against life. They push and push to get ahead of this horrible adversary they face, the adversary without a name or a face. And when something goes wrong, they immediately assume the adversary is winning. They are losing. The resulting feeling overwhelms my entire system.
That feeling is hopelessness. We don’t have what it takes to succeed. We might as well give up. There is no winning for us. No matter how hard we try, we won’t make anything any better. The world and the universe will never support us.
The loss leaves me in a place of paralysis, depression and burnout. But in reality, I was fighting against something that didn’t exist. I am losing a one-sided battle. An invisible, non-existent adversary is winning a battle it isn’t fighting. I am feeling devastated at the possibility of surrendering to a foe that was created out of thin air.
There used to be a foe. And that foe was horrible. But that enemy is long gone. They don’t control me anymore. Of course, that message hasn’t reached my inner parts yet. So my job is to help them understand the fight is over. We get to stop battling now. That war ended long ago. But that job is not easy. They don’t believe me and they don’t want to take any chances.
But they know something else. They know how hard this fight is. They would love to live life without the fight. They would love to rest from the painful struggle. And that is my way in. I must appeal to their exhaustion. I must reiterate that life is only worth living without the fight. I must tell them I think it is okay to take a risk for the purpose of finding a less painful path through life. They may not believe it is possible, but they are motivated to learn how to believe it. And I can help them get there.
This is very poignant Elisabeth. And an intelligent observation. An invisible adversary is winning a battle it is not fighting- that is brilliant. I agree that we need to work with our inner parts to shift away from the notion that life is a battle.
Thank you Peter. It is such a pervasive notion after trauma. But it can be shifted, albeit slowly.
I am so tired of the fight. I have never felt triggered like I am recently. Now that I am finally away from war and abuse, I should feel safe? But that is when triggers are ruining my life.
Unfortunately, PTSD is defined by the idea that we relive the past in the present. It takes a great deal of work with our inner parts to shift that, but it can be done.
How?? Writing to my inner parts? Offering reassurance? It’s hard for me to convince them that we are going to be okay when I’m really not that sure! This was excellent!
This kind of change only happens in small steps. Little by little, they will change their minds as you challenge yourself to see things differently. Write from your parts. Let them know they are safe to express with you. But show them how things are different now. Look for the proof the battle is over. You may only find small things at first, but keep looking and grab on to the smallest proof. Over time, as you rewire your brain, you will find more and more proof that the battle is over. And you and your parts will begin to see things differently. Sending love and light to you.
I so need to convince my parts that the battle is over. They are still in the trenches and still wearing their gas masks! Their fingers are still on the trigger ready to fire! Even with the work I have done, there is hesitation to believe. I am not sure exactly how to convince parts that it is now okay when they are used to grenades being dropped even when peace flags have been waved.
Thank you Elisabeth – your blog definitely sheds light on how challenging it can be.
Hi Wendy, It is a very slow process to change that pattern with your parts. Take small steps each day toward letting go. Those can be very tiny steps and still make a huge difference.
I have absolutely no idea what letting go would even mean. I don’t know how. What would I do differently? I have no idea. I have zero capacity for relaxation. Even in sleep, the nightmares keep me tense.
Can you access the drivers for the anxiety? Can you hear the words below it? If you can write from that place, you are writing from your inner parts who believe you have an imaginary foe. As you write from them, it starts to release it.
It feels like it’s me as well as some littles. I can tell them they’re safe but, remember, I’m in constant, crippling, physical pain because of the rapes so the battle doesn’t feel over at all. I don’t feel safe when my body can barely function with these injuries. It’s like the arsonists have left but the house – my body – is still on fire.
This doesn’t mean it’s impossible to figure out how to find peace, but it is more complicated and I surely haven’t figured it out yet. I’m 46!
http://www.sublimemercies.com/
It is definitely more complicated for you. I have had chronic pain, but nothing like yours. I do think that writing from the anxious parts can help. Let them talk about how unsafe they feel. Even if you don’t respond to them and tell them they are safe, the expression of their feelings is incredibly powerful.
I’ll give it a try, when I’m feeling brave enough. Thanks for writing so openly about parts. That’s not something I’m ready to do.
All I can say right now is WOW! The tangible picture you painted and the dialogue to ensue is so enlightening and rational!
I’ve actually been contemplating talking with my counselor about how to analyze myself or talk to myself when confronted with those paralyzing, terrifying triggers. I now see that I CAN come out of agreement and alignment with the perceived threats and tell them to be gone, because they actually don’t exist in my present reality.
Thank you so much!
I am so glad this helped you. It is such a powerful inner conversation to have. Thank you.
I am wondering if you or anyone reading this saw the Dr Phil show, “My Parents Did the Unthinkable”.
I thought of ypu so muc Elizabth, as I watched the show. I too experinced terrible abuse from my parents but I was sold. The dr. Phil show had the most bizarre conversation between him, a woman who was forced into porn and trafficking, and her parents. The daughter is grown now and the parents are out of prison now and they had a conversation. I found it to be so bizarre. I can not stop thinking about it. I think dr. Phil is so exploitative. I love to hear your feed back if you saw the show.
I have not seen the show. I will look it up. I have mixed feelings about Dr. Phil for sure. It can be triggering to watch him sometimes.
Thank you
Thank god for you. It is hard to read because it is so true. Thanks for the guidance and assurance. Also your other writings
Thank you so much Mette!
I appreciate the distinction you make between drop to the floor triggers & more minor ones & how you expressed how the need to fight is exhausting yet that exhaustion is the vehicle in to reach the fighter parts.
Thank you.
Thank you Marie.
This is so right on, you’re amazing how you can articulate so well from so deep. I have been chronically sick for almost 8 months now and on and off for years, and as hard as it has been i’m seeing opportunity in it as well, it’s like 1 million freight trains are running over me saying listen listen, go deeper, hear me, please and I do bit by bit, pushing aside the flooding of judgment to do so, knowing Im exhausted from fighting her fight day in day out and I believe that is where some if not all of my illness is coming from, but yes she’s got to be exhausted as well, she’s done her job I love her for that, we can learn to trust bit by layer, that it’s different today. This was my day of uncovering, listening going deeper within the layers and caverns of darkness, fear and pain. this permeated me to the core, survive this way or die, that’s how she came to be. She feels like a major frontline defender of my childhood trauma and so strong, I’m calling her Popeye! amazing that I had that experience today and here you are bringing an older Post about it up, Thank you so much.
I love that you call her that. What a great name! And I am so glad you can see her. It will make such a difference.
It amazes me how many parts I feel like I have, some have been found and named and I hold space for, many are still just emotions crying out to talk to me that I have yet to clearly seek out, identify and start to understand their plight and their place.
It feels as though the pain and the fear get in the way of finding and speaking with each of these parts, I don’t know a way to put the pain aside to find the parts, perhaps it’s by acknowledging and holding compassion, empathy, Grace and space for these parts to speak, and that I know that I don’t have to solve it all in this very moment if I can speak with them in that moment Letting them know I love you I will come back to you, perhaps giving them some assurance that I finally see each one will help to reduce the chaos and pain
I hope this makes sense, it’s where I am. Conflicting voices of the parts fighting can be so overwhelming I want to just shut down and turn it off. I know that’s not the right thing to do for myself and my part.
Thank you Elizabeth for this place that you hold and understand and support for the plight of drama within us. And for your continued digging as well and then you sharing with the rest of us to know that I am not alone, I am not crazy, it’s just where we come from and that’s OK.
Thank you for sharing this Mary. I have found my parts in my pain. They are sharing the pain with me. Instead of looking outside the pain, look for the message in the pain. There you will find your parts and what they have to tell you. Sending my love to you.
no matter what i do talk to my parts tell them im safe all will be okay, we can have realationship, nobody will hurt you. when i want to go out a part of me will stop me its not safe,,, panic and i dont know why.. I get lonely and feel abandoment but still fear closness and dont trust myself at times
We are a system of nine.
At one time we were stable, that was until an anesthetist decided to ignore what we said about local anesthetic causing us psychosis. He used more than 7 times the maximum dose we told him we can tolerate.
We fragmented again… and again.
A couple of our preexisting trauma holders got re-traumatised and went into hiding; and two new trauma holders split. For the last 10 months we’ve been trying to get everyone together and support each other; however, one of us is still hiding in her own private space, and one of the newly split headmates is only present as a terrified and disconnected emotional entity.
We have managed to contact our littles again (in their own safe space in the innerworld), an we’ve been able to help and bring back into the system an older trauma holder. We’ve also been able to get one of the newer headmates to trust us and been able to show her that what she so fears is the psychosis that was induced, and is not real… she’s been able to trust us and accept that, so she’s much calmer now and will even support others in the system when they get triggered or upset.
We’ve still got a way to go to find out how to really get in contact with the last two; to show them the love and support we can give in our system.
You have done some incredible work with your system. That’s so impressive. I do find that writing from my parts has been the best way to have conversations and establish trust, but I know there is no easy or quick solution with complex systems. The work continues and that’s okay.