There are thousands of reasons our inner parts avoid this recovery work. It’s scary because the emotions feel impossible to survive. It’s scary because they are ashamed of their past and don’t want to be rejected yet again. It’s scary because they don’t want to get in more trouble from their abusers (or others who seem like their abusers). But there is the reason of all reasons. It may be the most existential of all the reasons.
“If I recover from my past, if I let go of all the ties to my abusers, all the contracts I thought they made with me, what is left? Who am I?”
If I am not defined by my past, how do I define myself? And where did the need to define myself come from in the first place? I wasn’t born with that need. When I was born, I just was. I just existed. I didn’t need labels or contracts with others. I didn’t need a tribe or a clan. In a way, I did. I was completely reliant on others to survive. But I never needed the label that came with it.
But in our society, we become so lost, we need labels. We need them to define who we are. And even more importantly, we need them to define who we aren’t. We separate ourselves from others with our labels of them and us, us and them. We make ourselves feel better with our labels. We can put ourselves in nice, neat categories that make life more bearable.
In my adult life, I have many labels, some have stuck through my recovery, like friend, mother and survivor. Some have not had the same longevity, like wife, daughter, sister, corporate project manager and control freak. Just kidding. I am still a control freak. I am a little more grounded and self aware about it though. And some of these labels have been difficult to let go of. I wanted to have an extended family, but mine wasn’t safe. I liked being able to describe my job in one or two sentences. Now when people ask me, they get a 3 hour dissertation. They should really learn not to ask.
But the labels from childhood are a different story. They are held by my inner parts and my inner parts are terrified to let go of them. If they let go of those labels, they let go of who they are. They may even cease to exist. That is a huge problem for them and me. How do I convince them to let go of labels if they believe the label is all they have? These labels came from contracts with others and those contracts feel unbreakable. They might be the terrified victim in need of rescue, an irresponsible and stupid child, a future girlfriend or wife, or the partner in crime (don’t ask). But none of these labels are negotiable to my inner parts. They are a definition. They are a reason for existence.
And I notice the terror as I eliminate label after label. There aren’t many of those old labels left. And what does that mean? What happens when I become undefined by labels? Who can I possibly be? Me? Who is that? Will I disappear? Will I cease to exist? It seems like too much for my inner parts to consider. I promise them safety (within reason). I promise them they aren’t going anywhere. Sometimes, I get the impression they want to believe me. I don’t think they want to be defined in these ways. But they don’t know what the alternative is.
So I work with them to remove the contracts with others and the labels they have assigned us. I show them they are so much more than labels. I show them the labels are just plain wrong. And I hope they will come to see they are bigger and better than the labels and let them go. But I know what comes next. I have felt it before. It isn’t painful, but it is uncomfortable. There is an emptiness that waits to be filled. But that emptiness is filled by my true self. Each time I allow the emptiness, I become a little more me, the real me, the indefinable, indescribable me. And I’ll take that any day.
Hi Elisabeth. That’s very exciting how you work with an inner part then get rid of the label so that the part can be more than the label. That implies doing more than listening to, reassuring, counselling & in other ways supporting the part. It implies parenting the part to develop & grow into something else. I’d not seen that possibility before. It’s very creative.
By the way I found your “Journey to the Heart” talk very interesting & helpful. Thanks for suggesting that program it has been great. So many good practitioners out there.
Kind regards, Peter
Thank you Peter. It is the initial support of the part that allows them to “grow up” and consider another way of viewing the world. It can lead to a completely different life outside of our traumatic past.
Yes! This is how therapy is working for me. My therapists are allowing me to grow into who I was meant to be. Childhood neglect and trauma necessitared a need for me to adapt to survive. Becoming free to be me has been a long painful journey. Experiencing childhood developmental stages as an adult has been difficult…..but it has helped me to find myself….a sort of letting go of the false self as the real/authentic self comes into being. Takes time though….and I am finally more ar ease at ‘enjoying’ the growth and the journey instead of wanting to race toward a destination of being healed.
Thank you Jane. It is so hard to allow for the journey, but it is so important. I am glad you have come to this understanding in your healing.
I LOVE this idea. Still just getting to know my parts but looking forward to removing the labels one day!
I have no doubt you will!
Yes the infinite you!
Yes!
I love this piece of writing, and it made me cry as it is so close to describing my inner parts struggle to let go of the only labels they have had up until recently. They are frightened of there being no definition for them if they let go of what is familiar to them. I think that maybe it’s a very gradual process to gain their trust, and then allow them to witness that there are better labels for them now. Thank you.
Yes! It sounds like you are facing the exact same thing. It is not easy to let go of those labels.
After the devastation our inner parts look like the landscape of Nagasaki right after it was bombed. No wonder they take a lot of coaxing to let go. However we can look at the freedom to be whoever we want to be, free of the shackles of the past, free to explore and free to love.
Yes!
Hi Elisabeth,
I always appreciate you sharing, this is such a hard process for me. I feel so afraid when trying to lose the labels, you give me encouragement to keep working at it! Thank you
Thank you Katrina! Sending love and light to you on this journey.
Dear Elisabeth,
Long time. I have been on a journey I didn’t know I begun, but it is taking me to places I dreamed of yet didn’t believe existed. That is perhaps a vague description but the most authentic one I can find.
I’ve been adopted by someone very special; I call her my hanai Mama. It is such a gentle and healing experience. She loves all of me, all my parts. I am still blown away that all of me can exist and be cared for.
I don’t have more words to describe it. I know it is real because it doesn’t erase the bad things that have happened. But it gives us a home where we are safe and protected and loved. And that is both so much more than what we have ever had and also all we believe we’ll ever need.
I hope that love, light and peace are surrounding you.
Jenny
I am so glad to hear from you. I am happy to hear you are safe and loved. Sending my love and light to you.
I think it’s a bit scary, who am I if I’m not the labels I grew up with and where do I go from here? While I am ready to be more healthy the change scares me. And I’m still battling the question of what do I want ? Not what others expect of me but truly what do I want in life? So many questions I’ve never been allowed to ask . Thank you for helping me on this journey .
It is quite a journey to ask the questions we never thought we could ask. There is so much bravery in asking these questions.