The Darkness
I traveled this past Sunday and Monday. As a single mother without extended family, traveling isn’t easy. I have to ask friends for help, or pay for overnight babysitters. Neither option is simple for me. But as an extrovert who loves interpersonal exchange and public speaking, traveling to conferences and giving presentations does give me that motivational shot in the arm for the days I don’t leave my house. This trip was preceded by several days of intense anxiety. I knew it wasn’t related to the trip. I was getting a memory back. I was getting some sense of it in my dreams and my mind activity. But I could not seem to overcome the anxiety and release the memory.
When I got to the destination airport on Sunday night and went looking for ground transportation, I was sidetracked by someone who had a particular interest in guiding me to a particular cab. My gut was saying to walk away from this guy, but I was tired, and he was already taking my suitcase and piling it into this cab. I was planning to find an Uber car, but this guy didn’t even give me a chance to ask. He was wearing an official airport shirt, but I guarantee he was making a commission from the cab company. Once I was in the cab, I knew I would spend more than I wanted. And being on a tight budget, I was not happy with the outcome. In the scheme of things, it was probably an additional $20, but the trigger overwhelmed my system. I had been ambushed.
And that was the word that set the tone for the rest of the night. This concept was directly related to the memory and it sent me to a very dark place. I knew cognitively this feeling was not about the taxi experience at the airport. I knew cognitively this feeling was an old response to a horrific ambush of much greater proportions. But I could not shake the darkness. I sat staring at my computer in my hotel room. I had not eaten, but I could not seem to do anything about it. I had work to do, but could not engage with my email or social media pages. I was paralyzed. I could not get present. I had no sleeping kid heads or dog bellies to rub (which always brings me back to the moment). It was just me in a strange hotel in a strange city, and I was spiraling down.
I went to the darkest of places. I took a walk around the hotel. I stopped and looked at a menu, but I didn’t want to eat anything. I watched people at the bar talking and laughing and wished I was them. I walked to the conference center to see where I would speak (as I often do), but could not even open the door to look at the room. Nothing mattered. And then I saw the pool. I am a really good swimmer. But I am also really good at not swimming. I contemplated for that one moment what it would be like to leave – just for that one moment. And then went back to my room to lie down.
The Messages
I was in it. I was all the way in it. And while I knew it wasn’t about now, I couldn’t shake it this time. But then, the universe was there. And for the next day, I received some messages, some signs that I was going to be okay. It started just before I closed the computer for the night. One of my clients sent me an email just to say thank you. She wanted me to know how much I have helped her and how much she admired me for traveling and presenting in other places. She told me she wants to do the same thing one day. And believe me, I know she will. But in that moment, I heard that I mattered. And her message was enough to let me sleep.
After my presentation, Bukola Oriola, a survivor friend who lives in the area stopped by to see me. I confided in her about my state of being, and she changed her schedule, so that she could take me to lunch and the airport (at no charge of course). She talked about her big plans that everyone says are impossible and how she deals with the bad days. She talked about how she fights to meet her goals and how she does her best to avoid that all-consuming negativity. She talked about her struggles as a survivor. And in that moment, I heard that I am not alone.
Later that evening, I boarded the last plane of my travel experience expecting to read or sleep for that final two hours. But I sat next to a man who had energy that matched me on my best days. We dove right in to one of the deepest and most authentic conversations I have had (outside of my work) in a long time. We talked about how we thought we knew everything in our twenties. We talked about how parenting snapped us out of that delusion. We talked about how hard it is to be a parent. We talked about the yelling we wish we didn’t do. We discussed taking risks in life and whether it was worth the fulfillment to feel that fear. We talked about our failures and what matters to us. We even talked about inner parts. He never judged. I didn’t think twice about sharing exactly what was on my mind. And in that moment, I heard that it was perfectly acceptable to be authentically me.
So a bad night turned in to a good day. I am not through the darkness yet, but I did choose to notice what the universe sent my way. I took the messages to heart. Actually, I grasped them for dear life because we must take the strength from what we can. And these three lovely people provided me with some important information from the universe. Even in my darkest moments, I matter, I am not alone, and I am just fine as I am. And for now, that is so much more powerful than the darkness.
Beautiful!!
Thank you Maria.
… wow… again … you constantly amaze me with your vulnerability and honest… and therefore courage… with love….
Thank you!!
Thank you for sharing your experience…although I do not want anyone else having these experiences it is comforting to know I’m not alone. When I am in my darkest of moments I always think that I have brought it upon myself and am not doing enough to get out of it. This helped me to see that we are triggered, and when we are we cannot just turn off these feelings. I was really touched by your friend rescheduling things to support and be with you, and your courage to let her in. I hope you come out of the darkness soon. Thank you also for reminding me it’s not about now. Love to you.
Thank you Emily. These moments are incredibly intense and can be so difficult to break free from. You are doing an amazing job on your journey too. And it is so helpful to know we are not alone. That may be one of the best things we can come to understand.
Yes, thank you. So much learning I gain!
Do you get angry at the wrong person (like the taxi driver) when things like that happen. On a similar experience, when the sprint people ‘ambushed’ or something, my husband, into getting a ‘hot spot’ and changing our plan – only to result in a higher bill and an item neither of us know what is – I consulted somewhat smarter than us on phone plans and then went so angry to the people at the sprint store (a different store!) and talked softly, but meanly, how they take advantage of older people and anyone who doesn’t know tech stuff – and that they should have workshops teaching their staff not to do that because we are all not having that kind of extra money to freakin spend – and my husband kept whispering to me that I was being rude – which is different because we are both very passive and often messing up with salespeople. I know this wasn’t about the sprint people but my ID is so strong in the moment – is the suggestion here to go outside, have my loving self talk to my ID and nurture the need –then go back in comforted and not reactive? It’s hard but I’m getting it, I think. Interesting how we all cope after triggered though right? My M.O. is to hide in a hotel room, eat and not talk to anyone for a day. lol.
Yes! It is so true Michelle. Trauma makes us react intensely to manipulation on any level. It feel like life and death because in our past, it was. Keep working with your ID. You are building such great awareness.
That was such a key for me, Elisabeth. “Trauma makes us react intensely to manipulation on any level. It feel like life and death because in our past, it was.” I cannot abide with manipulation.
It is so retraumtizing!
I get it Elizabeth, you are a great Mom. I can relate to not having a family as back up because neither do I. It’s normal to feel burdened and sometimes you yell and it’s OK. I understand the overwhelm trigger too. And I want to thank you for your work. Every word I read from you teaches me something new and changes me at a core level.
Thank you so much Georgia! Thank you for your understanding and your support of my work.
I am in a similar place of darkness with a memory. Thank you for sharing so openly. I haven’t built that kind of support network yet but it helps to know I am not alone.
Thank you Megan. Interestingly, none of these people are a part of a local/normal support network, but I think that made it more powerful in a way.
Thank you for sharing this. Funny that I read this just following my brief conversation with you – I guess that was the universe too <3. I appreciate your vulnerability and authenticity so much. It was so nice to hear of the experiences you had and that you knew they were messages. I often feel so much better just knowing that I am not alone… and.. that I'm likely not dying..unless we are all dying of the same thing, at the same time, even though it feels like it sometimes – as you know ;).
Thank you Victoria. We are all waking up. It just feels like we are dying sometimes.
You’re a goddess, Elisabeth. Just had to say that. Thank you for being you.
Thank you my friend! I am so glad to know you!
I’m amazed at what comes our way when we need it most.
Yes!
Well done on getting through that dark night Elisabeth and thanks for sharing it. Your willingness to communicate your vulnerability and talk about how you got out of that darkness is very, very helpful. You are an important person.
Thank you so much Peter!
I am so sorry that you had this experience, but also grateful for your courage to share it with all of us. I need to hear that the work we do is an ongoing project. I often get discouraged when I have what I have considered to be setbacks. What you shared gives me pause to rethink this viewpoint. My setbacks are opportunities for me to interact with my parts in healthier ways (which is a learning process). My desire is to not have these flashbacks, but they are going to happen. Instead of getting discouraged, perhaps I can see what I have gained: (1) An awareness which I lacked before as to what is going on inside of me. I am becoming aware of my parts and, if I pay attention and listen, what is happening to me makes a lot of sense. Before I did not understand anything about what was happening to me, which made the experience even worse. (2) I DO have people I am coming to trust that I can call on to support me. I would not allow myself to develop healthy relationships before. Thank you for your work, Elisabeth.
Thank you Carrie. You bring up some amazing understandings that show how deep your awareness is. I am glad that my blog could help with that even a little.
This paragraph: “Later that evening, I boarded the last plane of my travel experience expecting to read or sleep for that final two hours. But I sat next to a man who had energy that matched me on my best days. We dove right in to one of the deepest and most authentic conversations I have had (outside of my work) in a long time. We talked about how we thought we knew everything in our twenties. We talked about how parenting snapped us out of that delusion. We talked about how hard it is to be a parent. We talked about the yelling we wish we didn’t do. We discussed taking risks in life and whether it was worth the fulfillment to feel that fear. We talked about our failures and what matters to us. We even talked about inner parts. He never judged. I didn’t think twice about sharing exactly what was on my mind. And in that moment, I heard that it was perfectly acceptable to be authentically me.”
This is what I have been experiencing lately too. And it is the most healing energy… for me in my healing journey, right now, just talking to ordinary people … and men, more than women… just connecting with ordinary men wherever I find them … Twitter is becoming a great place for that too. Having survived incest and violent rape, I’m still working through my relationship with men. It feels so nice (and refreshing) to be in the presence with a man who is just an ‘Ordinary Joe’, doing his thing, who seems to enjoy my company (even if only for a few moments), can laugh and smile with me … and there’s no expectations. I feel I can be myself. And I feel safe and loved (not in a romantic sense, but just appreciated as a human being). Moments when I can soften a bit and move a little bit more into vulnerability.
I don’t have to be “kick ass warrior/survivor woman” because I’m not needing to defend myself when I feel accepted by someone who feels healthy… you know, not victimized, reviolated & retraumatized (like I was a few weeks ago when my wallet and all my credit cards & driver’s license were stolen directly out of my purse in a ‘safe’ downtown street in the middle of day). Having to go to the police, file a report, work with police officers with surveillance in hopes of finding the criminal, and then seeing the video of the man stealing my wallet and using my credit card illegally at the Apple Store was a bit too much. I was feeling a lot of the same things you describe here. Still shaken up weeks later.
So, yes… I understand. These men don’t know how much their small gestures can mean to women like us that have suffered the horrific traumas that we have. I came close to death as a child, and symbolically, ‘kind men’ mean something precious to those child parts of me. It was, in part, due to their compassion and kindness that I literally survived my childhood. I have had some pleasant conversations with men on airplanes too. On my last plane trip on the way to Boston for trauma conference, I sat next to a guy that could have been a double for Dwayne Johnston. And although Dwayne Johnston is not exactly my ‘type’ (I’m not really into athletic, football, muscular football dudes), lol… I felt so safe and protected sitting next to him. I had the window seat and he was on the aisle which made me feel even more protected as he acted as a buffer. And I thought to myself, ” this feels nice to be sitting next to a man and feel protected”. I also gave off a very strong, protective vibe just because of the way he held his body, full of pride and confidence. BIG energy. We didn’t talk much. He seemed to be in his own space and watching a movie on his ipad. And it didn’t matter. It was just his presence. And out of curiosity, at the end of the flight I asked him what he does for a living. (When he first sat down I thought maybe he was a pro football player. I thought maybe he was famous. I admit I was a little intimidated). So I asked him as we were exiting the plane at the end of the flight, “So, do you work for the CIA?”, and he replied, “Close. Very close…” And that made perfect sense to me. I felt in that moment that the world had conspired to bring me a body guard for the “Queen” on her adventure to the trauma conference. And maybe Universe did.
This is such a beautiful comment Jennifer. I am so glad you are aware of getting exactly what you need in these moments. Your gratitude will keep it coming too.
Great to read your blog, Elisabeth! Thanks for stepping into the dark and finding some light- your own light!
Thank you David.
And Universe send you to me tonight! I’m grateful! Thank you!
You matter to me!
We are not alone!
I fine just the way I am. At least for tonight 🙂
Blessings!
Yes! Thank you for your comment. I am so glad this blog post spoke to you.
You were definitely hustled into that cab. What advice would you give for someone in a similar situation? Would being more self assertive help? How about asking the driver to wait a minute for the room to stop spinning, then think clearly to make your own conscious choice even if that is to take the cab? This is just one half of the event. The other half is when we are vulnerable we can fall into the pit of despair. I’ve done that many times. It seems the more I stand up for myself the less I fall. Standing up for myself was very hard to do, it took a long time. People that were raised like us were taught to be obedient and submissive. We were never taught to stand up for ourselves or to be strong. We were left standing holding that proverbial empty bag learn for ourselves one way or another. You have learned and shared so much. I know you will continue to learn and gain strength. There will be a time when things like this won’t occur. Thank you Elisabeth.
This is all about coming in to our power as adult who can make choices and changes. When we have inner parts telling us we can’t, it is hard to remember the truth of how much power we really have. And that can land us in despair for sure. It is definitely a work in progress. Thank you Keith.
Thank you for sharing and bring vulnerable. Thanks for brig real and showing that even with all the healing you have done- you too can get ambushed with these feelings. Thank you also for sharing tangible ways that you tried to work through the feelings. You are a fighter! You are so brave! And I hope this experience reminds you you really are never alone! Hugs!
Thank you so much for your kind words Tricia!
You are beautifully you! How deep that your experiences, as painful as they have been, have given you so much depth, you have travelled so deep into your soul and brought back so many insights for us to use to recover our own authenticity!!
Thank you so much Hannah for your kind words!
I am alone in a distant state, far from the people and places of the trauma of my past; it is here in this place that I believe that I will do my deepest healing. Many dreams have come to me in the last few months; dreams about these people who contributed to the abuse that I suffered. And, I have gained so much perspective from the dreams that I didn’t have before.
I am in a house alone with a dog, a gun, a phone, and an alarm system. I am relatively safe with all of my safety devices installed, I am free and safe to be alone. I am on a private property so I have lots of space for me. It is such a relief to be alone and to feel whatever comes up.
I lack a support system, which I have never really had, but I will work on that soon. For right now, it is good to be alone, to allow the feelings, to be able to yell when I feel like it, and to rest in my seclusion.
I completely understand that need Beth. I think it is important to honor our need for safety through isolation. And when that shifts, it is important to honor our need for connection.
I am glad you were able to pull some positive out of that experience. I am struggling with the issue of whether I matter or not, and not feeling like I can be authentic most of the time in my life. I was wondering if I will ever let go of that internal dialogue that tells me I don’t matter..
And for me, today, you are one of those 3, thank you x
Thank you!