I love the Olympics. Other than the World Cup, it is the only sporting event I watch. I am fascinated by international sporting events. I think we should resolve all of our conflicts in this manner. Of course, we would have to even the playing field with some proper coaching and training for all.
But I digress. This morning, I saw a video in my Facebook newsfeed. As usual, Facebook always seems to know what I need to see. Or is that the universe? I’m not sure. But this video touched me in a deep way. While Gabriella’s perseverance and determination was admirable on so many levels, that isn’t what impacted me most. It was the support. I watched the Olympic officials off to the side as they followed her (later learning that one was a doctor watching her for signs of health risks). And I watched them waiting at the finish line. And I knew she would be okay.
Many of us on this recovery journey are exhausted. I often feel like Gabriella on the inside, even when I don’t look like it on the outside. Honestly, I probably do look like it on the outside. I am just fooling myself. But I have come to a realization lately. Similar to most of the emotions I feel, it isn’t that I feel this way. It is my inner parts who feel this way.
While our inner parts may feel like formidable opponents in our trauma recovery journey, in reality, they are overwhelmed. They are young. And they are always handling more difficult circumstances than their age allows. Yes. This is always true. Otherwise, they would make different choices. They are trying to control things they can’t control. They are trying to get love from people who can’t give it. And they are trying to make sense of the series of bad things they have encountered. In reality, they can’t make sense of those things.
So they walk through life with hyper-vigilance. They make plans only to have them squashed. They battle with other parts. And they watch as their bad expectations come true over and over again. But most importantly, they feel alone. They feel completely alone. They want to collapse. They want to give up. But they are sure that would mean death. That would be the end. So they keep going every day, waiting to collapse, without any hope they can.
And this is where we come in. Our adult selves are the Olympic officials walking the sidelines. We can help them understand it is okay to cross that finish line. We can catch them when they finally realize they don’t have to keep going. We can pick them up and take over. It doesn’t mean they aren’t involved, but they can take a different role, a better role. They can be who they were always meant to be. They can support the system instead of battling with it. They can offer their input to decisions made by the adult self. And as a member of a unified team, they can finally feel like they are a part of something much bigger, much more functional.
But as our adult selves, we are responsible for showing them the way. They may not know we are there. They may not see us on the sideline waiting to help. They believe they have no hope of help. They believe they are completely alone and facing a world full of everything bad. You know this to be true because you have felt their feelings. You have heard their thoughts. You have essentially seen through their eyes many times. So how do you help them know you are there to help them? Here are three steps I discuss with my clients.
- Strengthen your adult self (ego self). This comes with awareness and action. Awareness starts with knowing your parts are there. But action starts with setting boundaries to protect your inner parts, along with saying yes to what your inner parts have always wanted.
- Separate from your inner parts by writing from them. One of the best methods for getting to know our parts is to allow them to express in an uncensored way. And the unconscious is best heard through writing. So when you are feeling intense responses and emotions to your external life, try to write from them.
- Help your inner parts to understand their role in the past and today. Once you begin to hear from your inner parts, you will learn their beliefs and where they came from. You will learn more about how those beliefs are affecting your daily life. And then, you can help your inner parts to understand things differently.
Is this a short cut? Is this a fast process? Of course not. You will struggle to do these steps for years. But if you think your inner parts are on the verge of collapse now, waiting to start this journey in the hopes of finding something faster will make things worse. Help them know they can cross the finish line. Let them know you are waiting to catch them when they are willing to cross it.
If you would like help starting this process, contact me to learn about my 5-week guidance program or 8-week Facebook group.
The compassion and love that was there for her at the stadium made me cry. So there is a lot of love and compassion out there from other people. That maybe the world I live in now is not the terrifing one I grew up in……..!!!!!!!
Some interesting things for me to think about, thanks Elisabeth. The bit where she said focus on the future and that you can overcome things. Just to let you know; I am experiencing my inner child more. I realise my fear of experiencing her was/is wrapped up in having to experience the emotions I felt as a kid..which are absoutely terrifing. Baby steps…..:) x
It is terrifying. We have to ease in to that experience. But you will make such a difference in your life by exploring how your inner child feels and their memories. Keep up the amazing work.
I love this writing I really do. I too have loved watching the Olympics, seeing the strength, endurance, determination and spirit. Lots of late nights watching it though! I cannot believe the subtleties of my inner parts, the bits that whilst unchecked can create alot of pain. For example I have recently noticed that my controller tries to “soothe” and “reassure” another inner part in.a very controlling way, which obviously doesn’t help! It is so subtle though. I have had to take time with the controller before I can then soothe the other part. Sounds so simple but that discovery feels like a real breakthrough in awareness and healing. That overwhelmed feeling is so normal for me…thay feeling that the demands around me far outweigh my resources because I’m operating from one of my parts that did have demands placed on them that were completely unrealistic, unnecessary and abusive. When I write that though I can hear “they didn’t mean it Emily, they were traumatised themselves so didn’t know any different. It’s not their fault. Look how much they do for you”. The thing is whether intentional or not I live with the effects of that trauma everyday, and I know that if I repeated it with my own children the cycle would continue. I loved every bit of this writing. It was so informative and helped me strengthen my knowledge another little bit. Thank you Elisabeth.
You are making amazing progress every day Emily. Your realizations will shift the daily unhealthy interactions between your inner parts. Over time, you will have more and more control (in a healthy sense) of your reactions to your world. Knowing how your inner defender invalidates your other inner parts is critical to breaking the cycle. So keep up the awesome work!
Wow, Emily, you appear to be so aware and compassionate. Best wishes on your journey!
Thank you Dawn…it’s been along time coming!
Thank you.
Thinking about the image of someone working their routine and then someone waiting on the sidelines and then at the finish. I feel like my adult self is the one working on the unevens at my job and then my escapist(one who has been around a long time) is just waiting for the end of the day or work week for her chance to do everything in the way of avoiding: responsibilities, connections, pressure/stress, inconvenience, facing reality and indulging in unhealthy eating . I try to help her know that we can “escape” the work week stress by doing at least one physical exercise and one fun thing with other people and one sweet treat every weekend. This is a process and sometimes she will completely take the weekend to doing her own thing… but at least I am now aware of this pattern of co-existance.
Yes. I have a part like that too. And it can be helpful to find a balance between what that part needs and what will take you in a new direction. Small steps – a little at a time.
Really interesting…I think I experience similar. My pattern has to keep going all day long knowing the “reward” will come that evening or at the end of the week, whatever that might be. My first thoughts of the day are “just get through so I can get back into bed later…I’ve just got to get through”. I am slowly unravelling this. It’s ok and necessary to take breaks in the day and set boundaries with my children that mama needs her lunch too! I can take breaks even if I have lots of things left to do. That’s living rather than surviving life. A day at a time. I mostly realise what’s been happening when I get to the evening. The demands placed on me and my time during the day sends me back to the demands placed on me as a child so I feel like I am surviving the day, batting off demands and requests, dodging people’s questions etc. Slowing things down and stripping things back in my schedule is helping me to take breaks and talk to my inner parts to let them know that things have changed now. I am exploring this at the moment.
Recently I read an article somewhere about why we are critical towards others. Why we get angry at people and grumble and keep things to ourselves. What I’ve always known is that we actually see something in someone else that we don’t like about ourselves, or something we don’t want to change about ourselves. So we can be critical of that person or not like to be around them because it would mean turning inward and owning something and making a change. And so I’ve tried to identify the inner parts of me that are involved in this anxiety around certain people. It’s like going backwards in time or getting lost on the internet after clicking so many links to something you are reading. It has been amazing how I can do this traveling back in time and understand my inner child, or my unmet needs, and how they are the stimulus for the criticism I’m feeling and wanting to express.
Yes! Yes to all of this! This is the #1 reason I have propelled myself forward in recovery (instead of being stuck). This one realization is the hardest and most significant in our recovery work. No doubt. The first time I heard of this concept was from Debbie Ford’s “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers”. It is an interesting title, but she walks through exercises with this exact intent.
Whst are parts? Like in DID?
Sometimes it is DID but not always. Parts exist in all of us to some degree. They are parts of self that split off when we cannot process something in childhood. They hold memories and emotions we have not fully processed. Healing happens when we connect with them.