When I was growing up, there were many phrases I didn’t want to hear.
“Wait until your father gets home.”
“Don’t make things up.”
“You made another mistake.”
In a normal family, these statements might be bad (and certainly not good parenting), but not necessarily abusive (although maybe). But in my family, they meant trauma. Traumatic experiences were coming, and I had to brace myself, dissociate, run or hide. These statements brought up all my adrenaline-fueled reactions to a ridiculously bad childhood.
That said, there is a statement that beats them all. One phrase had both immediate traumatic implications and a huge long-term impact. And unfortunately, it was used often. That phrase was,
“You owe me.”
Of course, that doesn’t sound like something a parent should say to a child. But I didn’t live with real parents. My parents were quick to remind me of the things they did for me. They wanted to be acknowledged and revered for those few moments when they did something for me. They wanted my undying gratitude for their moments of helpfulness. But most importantly, they wanted to hold it over my head, so they could use it as an excuse for their future abusive behavior.
And they did use it that way. When this phrase was used, I was unable to process their abuse as entirely bad. I had to see it as something different. It was “an eye for an eye”. It was my payment for their protection, financial support or moment of helpfulness. It was what I had to do to continue to expect my parents to do things for me … you know … be parents.
While this phrase had a major impact on my initial understanding of my abuse, it has also affected me throughout my life. And not just a little bit. This has been one of the reasons I have been unable to move forward to freedom, or break free of the grasp of my family. Why? There is no end to “you owe me”. As a child, I interpreted that to mean I owe them forever. I can never fully repay them. There is no way to freedom because they did something, anything for me.
And I have a part who holds this contract. I have written about her before. She feels there is no way to escape the past and the family. And most of her reasoning comes from this one statement. So now, it is my job to help her understand the truth.
What is the truth? They never did a thing for me. They were narcissists and were incapable of making a decision to help me without considering how it would benefit them. When they took me to swim practice, they were doing that to keep their image as a normal family. When they helped me with math, they were doing that to keep their image as parents of an academically-sound child. When they kept secrets of the mistakes I made from others, they were protecting themselves. They were worried about their own reputation. How do I know that? They used it against me.
And so I work to change that story held by my inner part. I let her know the truth. I explain how it wasn’t her fault and she doesn’t owe them anything. I explain the evil she was up against and how she could never have won that battle as a child. I have told her that she will never owe me a thing, that I will never use that phrase with her, because those who love us don’t expect that.
And her first reaction is anger. She is mad that they tricked her. She is angry that they wasted her time and that she wasted mine (she is compassionate like that). But there is a difference in her anger now. It is no longer focused inward. She is mad at her abusers. And I am grateful to see the change. She is learning that parents are actually supposed to do things for their children. And finally, she can let go of that feeling that her own parents were doing her a favor by doing their job … sometimes.
So true. Mine also included: you are so selfish. You are so immature. You are so naive. Trigger words still. The fact is I w-a-s immature and recently my brothers wife reminded me… You were so immature as a teenager. You did this and that etc. I used to get defensive with that word. Now I just want to say… Actually I had significant social and emotional retardation… Thanks for your observation. And that will happen when you miss many developmental milestones. I wish people knew that. I will forever be socially awkward and delayed. Or my ID might be. I will help her but I am delayed myself. My ID didn’t argue or get mad at the label this most recent time. So I guess that is progress. I spoke up for her.
Trauma stunts our emotional and developmental growth in so many ways. And it isn’t helpful for people to make comments in that way. You are making tremendous progress if you are keeping your defender from responding to that. Just make sure to give your defender room to express how they feel in writing. Sending love and light to you as you navigate those experiences.
I am so thankful for you Elisabeth, there are no words to thank you enough. You speak the silence I’ve been unable to speak for years, always felt it but was unable to connect with anyone that I could really share with. Thank you for helping me get in touch with all of me and sort things out. You are my truth connection ❤️
Katrina
Thank you so much Katrina. I am so glad you trust me to help you find your truth.
Thank you again Elisabeth. Heart hug.
I love heart hugs! Right back atcha!
I still struggle with when people are nice to me because I feel like I can never repay them so I’m constantly in debt. I am thankful for people in my life now who give freely and don’t expect anything back from me. It’s still hard for me to receive that kind of love though.
I hear you Paula.
Hello Paula,
Thank you so much for sharing this… I just came to the realization that when someone compliments me or gives a gift the defensive response I usually get of “what do they want from me” or “I don’t deserve this” is actually because I don’t want to “Owe” them anything.
In reality it can be hurtful for the giver of the compliment or gift for you to deny their love in giving that to you. Like you I am still on a journey to accept people’s love and not always second guess their intentions. I wish progress for you and I in this area.
That’s really good insight, Linda! Thank you for sharing with me! I think having my own children and truly wanting to give them so much good has taught me that giving can truly be free! Our automatic response and defenses still come up, but when we acknowledge them, we can lead ourself to another way and receive.
Me, too, Paula. I’m not completely there, but I’ve made strides on accepting kindnesses and compliments without being suspicious of ulterior motives lurking in my mind. There’s one person with whom I work, though, who is very superficial with her compliments. She is a supervisor and I just sense a lack of authenticity. I find myself not saying thank you to people like that.
After an abusive marriage, and one in which you were isolated or not very social, it’s hard to accept any help or support. You tend to want to prove you can do it, or you are used to doing everything yourself in fear of your house of cards falling down. So that’s been a real challenge to accept unconditional positive regard from people.
My former husband did this a lot in his parenting with our children. Always reminding them, and me, how hard he worked and sacrificed for everything we had and how much he himself went without because of this. Thank goodness he left, but the damage was done and it’s taking time to heal and rebuild. Parenting with shame and blame is so destructive to self worth and the inner child goes into deep, deep hiding as a result.
One of the most difficult things about rebuilding from abuse like this, and parenting abused children, is finding healthy, positive people to be around. If your own family isn’t functional, that leaves colleagues and friends. And in today’s world, everyone is so busy and so ‘booked’. It takes a real effort to keep hoping and keep looking for supportive people.
Yes! I have been lucky enough to have a couple of those people in my life and they are so important. But it takes a ton of effort. No doubt.
Thank you Elisabeth for all your insights. It has helped me to understand why I never liked to accept help. I didn’t like to ‘owe’ people anything.
My parents told me I should be grateful for the air I breathe. I haven’t found out yet if I feel indebted to them for that, hopefully not.
Warm hugs.
Yes! I thought about this piece today and was going to point you to it. It is amazing the ways they make us feel indebted.
My father is a psychopath with narc traits and my mum has covert narc traits. They were good at the ‘you owe me’. Sadly I found myself repeating my parents pattern with my children. When they didnt seem to ‘be grateful enough’ I would be upset and tell them how hard I worked for them and they were being ungrateful. It hurts me to my core that I did that. I didn’t know any different. I grew up with “how could you do this to me? I would never have done that to my mother!!” Just for not doing what I was told, however small. I learned in time how wrong that was and how damaging it has been to me and my parenting skills. I can’t tell you the guilt I live with watching my children trying to live with the scars from my previous abuse. I’ve worked very hard for many years to change my belief systems and I’ve been successful. I helped both my children to get into therapy to heal from me. I have great relationships with my children now but I still shut down with the guilt. My parents won’t even acknowledge they ‘may’ have hurt me. Abuse of children kills their souls.
Hi Lisa, Thank you so much for acknowledging your trauma behaviors to yourself and your children. They will have a much better chance of healing because you have done that. It is so courageous. Sending love and light to you.
Yes this was always a constant in my childhood. along with “Your are an ungrateful little (fill in the blank)”. “Your problem is that you are spoilt” and the final , “You will miss me when I am dead” or “You will be sorry when I am dead”
Yes! These are exactly what they say to us. Sending love and light to you as you navigate and untangle your inner response to these statements.
Great post! Again you have found the words and feelings that I cannot. It has bought many things to the surface.A familiar line used on me was that I was ungrateful, ungrateful for food and clothes if I said I did not like anything. A great control tactic to stop be getting ideas ” above me”
Exactly! I am glad this piece helped you see this. It is such a stealth strategy.