I have been triggered today. While I don’t normally write blog posts from this place (unless they are written by parts), I feel I have an obligation to sound a wake up call when it comes to generational trauma. I feel a strong desire to write this despite knowing it is likely to offend some people.
Leading up to Mother’s Day, I focused many of my Facebook posts on how to cope with having an unloving mother. It can be a hard day for those of us who struggle in our relationship with our mothers or those of us who no longer have a relationship with our mothers. Without fail, I would wake up each morning to at least one comment or message from a mother who had been cut off by her daughter. The messages went something like this:
“I am in so much pain because I am no longer able to see my grandchildren. I don’t know why my daughter has chosen to cause me so much agony.”
To be fair, I don’t expect every Facebook commenter to know my story. They think of their experience as traumatic, and it certainly is. But if they read my story, they would know that they are barking up the wrong tree. I left my mother many years ago because I knew the safety of my children was at stake. She did not prioritize the safety of children over the needs of her husbands when I was a child, and I knew that had not changed. And I received that email from my mother too, written much the same way as the statements above. I caused her agony. I ruined her life. I took her grandchildren away from her.
So when I get comments like that, I automatically think of two questions. Why are you only in agony about your grandchildren and not your daughter? What happened to her as a child that made her choose to be alone over having a mother?
And I have asked the second question many times (privately). Unfortunately, the response is predictable.
“She had a great childhood.”
“I did everything for her.”
“My husband was the problem.”
“I am being victimized by my own daughter.”
And that is when my inner parts start to lose it. That is when I call bullshit. That is when every one of my internal red flags start to wave because I know better. It just doesn’t work that way.
To completely oversimplify, there are two scenarios for adult children with attachment difficulties.
1) There were no significant boundaries set with the child. She was completely free to live life as she chose and run her parents’ lives. This put so much pressure on her, she resorted to dysfunctional defense mechanisms to cope with life.
2) She lived under so much control, manipulation and abuse, she had no choice but to run as fast as possible in the other direction or remain in a proverbial jail cell forever.
Both create attachment issues. Both can be reasons to cut ties.
I believe it is extremely rare that a daughter would choose to leave her mother. Society tells us that mothers are ALWAYS good. Society tells us that we should love our mothers no matter what. We endure statements like:
“Parents are human too. They are going to make mistakes. Just forgive them.”
“Won’t you feel guilty when they die?”
“Maybe you can just focus on the good times.”
In addition to that messaging is the fact that we desperately want a mother, a real mother. And our inner child still holds out hope that our mother can change. For all of these reasons, we are more likely to hold on when we should let go than the other way around.
So when a daughter walks away from you, it isn’t time to play the victim. It isn’t time to lay on the guilt. It isn’t time to tell others what a horrible person that daughter is. It is finally time to get real. It is time to see it as a wake-up call. It is time to examine how you played out your own trauma in your parenting. And it is time to come clean to your daughter about your part in the dysfunction.
I can tell you right now that despite the horrific things my mother did (and they were some horrific things), if she had indicated for one second that she created a traumatizing childhood for me, I would have thought twice about leaving. Even a mother who trafficked me would have still had a chance to save the relationship if she could have found her way back to reality. For those who have done much less, there is a road back in to that relationship.
But that road is lined with truth, vulnerability, contrition and understanding.
If you want to play the victim, you will inevitably be a victim for the rest of your life.
If you want help to own what is yours, contact me about my guidance program and begin your healing journey.
Thank you for this. I needed this so badly today. I wasn’t on Facebook over the weekend so I missed your posts. This is so incredibly validating. Especially the part about them focusing on the loss of relationship with the grandchildren and not the daughter. And well, all the other parts too. 🙂 Just – thank you!
Thank you my friend. I was a bit nervous about this post but the support has been awesome so far. I am so glad I could validate your experience.
Amen! Thank you for being vulnerable! Thank you for putting words to what I call “crazy making” experiences that have swirled inside me for so long! You have helped me and I am grateful!
It is crazy-making, isn’t it? It is nice to know it isn’t just me.
Absolutely crazy-making. I have used that phrase often as I process the gaslighting and emotional manipulation.
It really is Jen. It is so hard to break out of that gaslighting.
This hits me on so many levels. I want to cut off my parents, but I haven’t been able to take that step. I make up all sorts of excuses…my mom had a bad childhood; there are good times few and far between; we live far away so I only have to deal with them a couple times a year. I just keep holding out for the day they will be the parents I need.
There is still a part of me that wants the good parents for sure. I try to balance that gently with the understanding that it won’t be my biological parents, but that I can love myself through the bad times. It is not an easy transition to make. Sending my love.
There’s a lot of strength in this post. Thank you for being a true advocate and putting these things into words.
Thank you!
I love this. It’s put to words what i could not. Thank you.
I am so glad I could do that for you. Thank you.
I heard my mother in all of those comments. I fled “home” at 16 and I’m 51 now. In the 35 years in between, I tried to let her in a couple of times but, when she started spreading her poison to my children, we were done. In February, I found out she died in November. My children and I were omitted from her obituary by my father. I’ve since heard my name was not allowed to be spoken in her house and I was referred to as “that witch”. She just never got it. Her loss.
It was completely her loss. I am sorry you experienced all of that. I do sometimes wonder if I will ever learn of my mother’s death. I’m not sure. I had an intuitive knowing when my grandmother died, so that might happen. We will see.
My experience is eerily similar. I left at 17 and am now 53. Two years ago found my adoptive father’s obituary via Google a month after he had passed away. I was not mentioned in the obit, as if I’d never existed. I believe my adoptive mother disposed of any type of communication I’d try to send him over the years – instead telling people I was ungrateful and just didn’t care. The woman is close to 90 and will die in denial of how she treated me when no one was looking. I too have kept my children away from what I knew would end up toxic.
Thank you for this post Elizabeth. It’s such a relief to know I’m not alone in this.
Thank you Holly. You are not alone. I am sorry you have dealt with that denial.
Vickie,
Thank you for your comments. I too am 51 and had to let go of my abusive parents. Mine refused to change as well. It seems to me that denial and blame are central components of parents who choose to remain in denial. Responsibility and guilt seems to be an area they are unwilling or unable to embrace.
Instead they chose to name call and refuse to grow. As you said, their loss.
Paul
They seem to reinvent themselves as a dear old grandmother , and others think you are horrible for not letting her see the grand children. I chose to cut my mother of for my own sanity and to live my life without living in the past .. I have never stopped her from seeing my children but she wont contact them .
Yes! That is so true. The dear old grandmother seems so much less threatening.
Thank you for posting this! I can only guess how difficult it must have been for you to share. I am sorry for all that you have been through. I am proud of you, for your strength and courage in sharing it with us. Thank you for all you do. Your words mean soooo much to me, (my childhood was similar in many ways.) I admire you and look up to you more than you know.
Thank you Dianne. I am so glad you are here taking this journey with me.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It resonates with me on so many levels. I have been no contact with my parents since some major repressed trauma memories were unearthed involving then – at first because I needed to process and keep my children safe – and later as I got more memories to keep me and my family away from further abuse. I heard similar rebuttals but after 47 years I no longer have to accept their abuse. It amazes me that their denial and resistance to face the truth is so strong. Yet I know that our relationship cannot continue unless they are willing to face up to and repent of the abuse.
That is almost identical to my story. I started to move away from them after the memories started coming back. And as the memories got worse, I cut them off completely. At first, it was to keep my children safe because I didn’t have enough respect for myself to know it was okay to stand up for me. But now, I know I don’t deserve that treatment at all.
Much wisdom in your words. I agree entirely. And yet it is so sad that many parents will never have the insight\awareness to even begin to explore their own part in dysfunctional family dynamics….they are blind to their toxicity
Absolutely!
I have a daughter who does not want me in her life. Many years ago I made choices that caused her much pain. Due to my childhood traumas I was unable to be there for her.
I have always found Mother’s Day difficult. I will always love her and respect the choices she made to heal.
I want to be clear that this article is not about you – in any way! You have made the decision to heal yourself and do the painful work of understanding your thoughts and actions (unconscious and conscious). You are not in denial. That is all you can do at this point. Sending my love and light to you.
Wow, so timely. My problem is that my parent is very nice to me and tries really hard to do it well, but that she still doesn’t really “get” it. And she does tend to turn things around on me. When I asked her to please not tag me in controversial type posts on facebook, she totally agreed not to, but at the end said, “you know that’s so closed minded of you, to tell me I can’t share my interests or talk about the things I like to talk about” So now I am here with a lot of sad parts who want to grieve their ideal mother. But it doesn’t seem like its at the point of “walking away”… or is it? She too, put her husbands needs over ours, let his mental illness run the day and cause deep PTSD for me. She still defends him and gets upset that I can’t “forgive” her when I bring up these stories. How do I deal with a person who is not outright hurtful and abusive, but whose unconscious pain and projections are perpetuated? It’s so exhausting. And there are a myriad of protector parts who are trained to protect their mother. The thought of cutting her off feels so drastic and extreme, she really has done so much for me- did her best, I suppose. Sends us gifts and cards for holidays and visits us and helps us with our kids etc. Up until now I have either the choice to withhold myself from her, or to argue with her until she potentially (finally) will see my point. Once we were up all night going back and forth until she said, “yes I guess I do hide my real feelings.” and then she curled up with me in my bed and we slept there the rest of the night. All the parts of me are so confused by this kind of thing and so damn tired of initiating this kind of thing over and over and over and over. I am tired of fighting for her to see me. Thank you again for your post!
The grey area you are talking about is so challenging. When I work with clients in this situation, I advise two things. 1) Work to separate your need to “fix” your mom as a part of your healing. I spent much time trying to convince my mother to change and it just was not going to happen. 2) Set boundaries that are clear with her. You will not accept her invading your personal space. Look at it as protecting your inner child. If you can work with those for a while, you may be able to make improvements for yourself without a cut-off.
On a more specific note, Facebook offers the ability to stop tags from others and posts on your wall. Just go to the security section. You can also untag yourself from a specific post anytime you want. 🙂
I greatly appreciate your wisdom and your time!Have you dealt with parts wanting to protect a less overtly abusive person? I guess they are really just trying to protect me from pain, not her. Funny how that works. 🙂 I will have to ask, “who wants mom to change” and see where that gets me. Thank you again and always.
I think we will always have an inner child who wants our mother to be a functional mother and will still do anything for her love. It is hard to separate from a mother because of this part mainly. I also have a defender who felt it was dangerous to separate from the family in general because of the threats of safety. But I do also have a situation with someone who was not abusive, but didn’t save me like I wanted. He wasn’t that nice after I forgot him through memory repression. He thought I was ignoring him on purpose. But my inner parts refuse to let me know his identity because they think I will yell at him (I will set some solid boundaries for sure). So that may be more in line with what you are talking about.
Oh My Gosh, I ABSOLUTELY agree with the truth in this Blog post of yours Elisabeth! I only add that not only was my childhood messed up, AND recovering through adulthood has been a real inner struggle, but a constant second guessing and researching how to be a good mother was hindered by what happened in the past. Always working hard to create a trusting and healthy relationship with my daughter so that she will be as free on generational trauma is my ultimate aspiration. so many inner parts think they know what to do and sometimes make it hard for me stand ground on the loving path.
Yes! This is a tough journey as a parent with trauma. There is no doubt. We have all made mistakes. I know I have. But you, like me, are taking ownership of how that trauma has impacted your relationship with your daughter. And that is the key to this blog post for me. Thank you for being aware!
I think where I was a useful body in my childhood and don’t remember having real love from my parents, I was really afraid that I would not be able to show the deep love and caring for my daughter. So I over protected and was fairly isolated from family and she got a bit spoiled being my only child. So she had to struggle to grow and mature as I learned how to let go and give independence. We have an amazing relationship now, but it has been hard work for both of us.
I think that is a common occurrence when a parent experiences child abuse. I have had to work hard to avoid hovering in recent years. That’s a tough one.
Nice work! This needed to be said.
Thank you Jenna!
Thank you for this post. I was thinking about this on last mothers day as we had gone no contact in last 6 months. My attachment issues stem from a mix of both scenarios – too much freedom to run my own life and manipulated/forced to please her. I really don’t know what caused her pain and resulting inability to love or care for the children she chose to bring into this world. What was/is hurting that when I finally decided to say No to her manipulations with my toddler she stormed out of my life and never cared to look back(some at least send an accusing E-mail!!). It was like I was gone for good. It is as hurting as it is liberating.My struggle is to break the cycle with my son. To give him the love I always longed for from my mother. It is challenging but I’ll be the mother I always wanted to have, one day!
I am sorry you were faced with so much dysfunction as a child. And I am so glad you stood up for your toddler. I know you are breaking the cycle. Thank you for that.
Thank you for sharing what is certainly very painful for you. I am struggling with some of the same pain myself. I have family members who are in deep denial over what happened to me when I was a child. Others, when I spoke to them said they always had a “funny feeling” that it was going on. Sometimes I want to scream “why didn’t you find out for sure? Why didn’t you ask me?” Preserving the adult relationships were more important than protecting the children. Sad. I have lived a few thousand miles away from them for my entire adult life. I’m 60+ now. I’ve been in recovery for almost 7 years now. I am no longer the same. Hallelujah!! There is always hope as long as we are still breathing.
This happens so often. I believe that so many adults in my life knew something was wrong, but weren’t willing to rock the boat with my dad. He was a bit scary and power hungry, but still. They needed to do the right thing. I am so glad you have found your way out of that family and are healing.
I saw that my granddaughter was being abused and neglected by her mother (my daughter) and her step father. I did intervene and my daughter and now ex son in law plays the victim and absolutely will not admit the abuse. This granddaughter came to live with me when she was 16. She is 18 now and has problems.
Some family have said I should not have interferred, but I strongly disagree. My granddaughter was more important to me than any adult abusing and neglecting her.
Many people choose their relationship with the adult abuser over the child. I am glad you didn’t.
THANK YOU for writing this! I have often felt guilt about choosing to disconnect myself from my mother who really did let all kinds of terrible things happen to me when I needed her to save me. People will say all kinds of things that make me question my decision and feel guilty but, at the same time, I have a great psychologist that I work with who has helped… her suggestion was that just because my mother delivered me, does not mean she was a mother. And she wasn’t. I am not happy these things happened to you but it feels nice to hear that it is ok to give ourselves permission to make these decisions and not beat ourselves up for it. She sure doesn’t see that she has done anything wrong.
Your therapist is exactly right! And staying in a relationship with someone who is in denial about their abusive behavior will inevitably keep us from the healing we really need. Sending you love and light on your journey!
Fed up with her She did two years later. I didn’t attend the funeral; there was no good reason to. I’m certain she spewed all over me to anyone who would listen. Doesn’t matter, because my life is better without here.
An interesting exercise is going to one of the support group pages for estranged parents and read the tales of woe. You can pick out the ones who you know in your soul are abusers, and frankly it’s most of them.
If people had any idea how hard it is for an abused child to stand up and sever ties with an abusive parent they would never again question who was at fault.
Good stuff, Elisabeth.
Thank you Larry. It is true. People believe it is a flippant or easy decision far too often.
Whoa… Every bit of this. I cut my mother off before she passed away 10 or so years ago. I think people feel I should regret it or miss HER. I miss the chance that maybe I’d ever have a real mom. Even though I knew better. I long for the moments I see other mothers and daughters having even when I know I wouldn’t have had those. And I’ve finally drawn the line with my father, who was my only living parent but he’s always allowed me to be the red headed step child and the Cinderella of the house. His other kids, their kids and even step kids are always blatantly put before me or my children who were here years before any of theirs. I’m done allowing others to break my heart. Done.
Thank you for your comment Kami. It sounds like you made the right decision for you. I am so glad you are standing up for yourself.
Wow…I’m number 2. The child that keeps on running.I have all sorts of relationship issues. Never been married.first time I’ve seen what could be the cause. Thank you. Although I don’t play the victim.it’s ironic that my mom whom wasn’t part of my life for so many years, now lives with me in her old age. And she doesn’t understand that I don’t have that need to socialise and that I prefer my “me” time. It really creates big problems with us. I can’t remeber much about my childhood.but I prefer to say that mine was good. When you hear what others go through. ..Omgosh. Thanks for this blog. You’ve made me feel a bit “normal” again.
Thank you so much Dawn.
As a child with no rules – How would a parent how do you fix that now?
Hi Nikki, I am a bit unclear about your question. Are you the parent or child? How old are the parent and child now?
Wonderful! Needed to be said! THANK YOU!
Thank you Carol.
What a great post Elisabeth. Thank you so much for writing and sharing it – it has resonated with me as well, especially this close to mothers day. I’m on year 3 of no contact with parents other than cards sent for birthdays and special occasions. I also share the sentiments of many of the commenters on this post and only wish that more people were a bit more aware that not every family is “perfect” and that assumptions about other people’s families should be avoided. I’m curious as to what in your experience people like us say when asked about family and special occasions. In my case, I have friends who know the truth and understand, but in work and other situations, I tend to not divulge these details as I’m unsure how others will respond.
This is so true, my problem at this point is my parents are borderline narcissistic, and have always had this guilty control over me. Then I was married to a narcissist for 32 years. And now divorced. My parents helped me leave him and bought me a house that I’m renting from them. So now I am back to them controlling me and what I do. UGH! I said to my therapist the other day….do I have to wait till they die to get out from under this debt and control.
Many parents do switch to financial control when the kids are grown. It keeps them in charge. My parents tried that too. Sending my love to you.
Wow, that was spot on! I lived with 2 older brothers, birth mother, baby sister & her father. I had to finally run to a friend’s house in 1981 at the age of 11. The traumatizing sexual abuse stopped but the mental & emotional abuse would only get worse. In my 20s (1990s) I wanted answers(I was her 7th child!!) & by 1999 I gave up on her & by 2007, I gave up on them all!!! Repressed Memories in 2015 (I was 45) made me realize the reality of my childhood. I am currently working with proper officials to retrieve nude photos & film of my 5,6,7,8,9,10 & 11yr old self that were buried in a cellar wall of the home I ran from. I survived my childhood & chose to live a drug & alcohol free life… My story will soon be told & i hope i too can give encouragement & strength as your posts have done for me… for awhile now!! Thank you xoxxo
Thank you so much Cathy! I am inspired by your courage to fight back against these horrible people who have abused you. It sounds like you are an incredibly strong person. I am sending my love and light to you. XO
Just a clarifying question- was it supposed to be
” and run her parents’ lives” or Ruin her Parents life?
Not nit picking, but it makes huge diff. To me.
“Run” is the word I wanted to use there.
Thanks. I am reading this as a mom who has no idea why my daughter cut off contact. One bad phone call 3 yrs ago, when she was on a high / drugged / venting one-sided, matronizing rant, and no conversations since. Now my mothers memorial service is next month, and she, as granddaughter, is attending w her new husband and my (only) 2 grandchildren.
I don’t want / need drama, but can’t tolerate the condescending tone she uses to me. Really have no idea what changed, but she would fit the 1) no significant boundaries…, as she lived with her dad from age 12 on.
I Want to reconnect, but on equal footing.
Aaauugghh. Feel manipulated and sad. And angry that I don’t have enough info from her to act or talk…where did my daughter go ? I know saying ” what is your problem ” is not right, but that’s what I want to know. Sigh.
I am so sorry you are struggling with your daughter. With all my clients, I encourage them to take a step back and focus on self. I do this because it is the most self-compassionate thing we can do. We cannot change what others will do and it can be crazy-making to try. We must go inward and find peace with our own decisions and life moving forward. Engaging others from this place makes a huge difference in the outcome.
Thank you so much for this, it really is validating to read this. The grey area is so incredibly incredibly messy for me. I confronted my parents about the emotional/ physical abuse 7 months ago, have had no contact with them for a while as they completely denied, it, explained how hard they had it (basically made it all about them) and recommended I should go and see a good psychiatrist to let me set my ‘head straight’. My mum got in touch around Christmas for the GRANDCHILDREN. She has been to visit since (we live in different countries) to see the GRANDCHILDREN (not me) but it is clear that she does not want to speak about the ‘thing’ again – as it was too hard for her. This puts me in such a hard position. I had an emotional outburst whilst she was here and she looked horrified – I made amends with my older daughter but she just looked at me as if I was the terrible parent and how can I cry in front of my children. The hypocrisy is beyond words. I am so stuck about what to do with this relationship. It is a special day for me today that I feel incredibly stressed about, they just tried ringing me and I unplugged the phone line, now full of guilt. I just cannot be consistent…
It is normal for us to feel guilt when we are setting boundaries with abusive parents. Many people accuse us of making flippant decisions, but it is very difficult and painful to do this. You will feel guilt from some parts of self who are still hoping she can be a good mother or believe you owe her. And you will feel driven to set boundaries by other parts of self. Building awareness of this inner conversation can really help you cope with the process.
What a spot on article. Fits my child/ adulthood to a T. From the militantly strict childhood I ran from, to her playing the victim, to her telling me (and everyone) how terrible I am…,.this hit me right in the feels today. Thank you for reminding me why I went low/ no contact on a deceptively sentimental day.
Thank you so much! I am glad I could provide you with a helpful reminder!
Thank you. It’s people like you who care to utter the truth that shines the light on those too afraid or who still believe they are the ones who failed their mothers.
Thank you Elke.
Id be in the 2nd category, so many times I thought there would be a explanation a sharing of her own past to explain why she couldn’t love me. My sisters can’t understand what I say they didn’t have the same experience. Jesus has healed my wounds, when thoughts and feelings try to overwhelm me I trust in Him. I know I am loved unconditionally. God bless you Elizabeth 💕🙏🏻💐