A World of Logic
We live in a logical world. There is no doubt about it. A long time ago, people stopped believing in things they could not see. Whether you believe it is a conflict between science and faith, or masculine and feminine, it is clear. Society values one over the other. There is no balance. We are taught as small children to drop our fascination with the make-believe and focus our attention on what matters. Math, science and technology have quickly become the highest-paid and most valued careers. I know this. I was one of the people who gave up my passion for a money-making career that I hated. I heard the message loud and clear. More importantly, my inner defender heard the message loud and clear.
Last week, my inner defender shared some of her secrets with a list of her seven favorite defenses. Some are incredibly stealth in nature. Many people have no idea they are falling for these defenses at all. But she forgot to mention one very important defense. A blog commenter pointed it out. She specifically asked about the logic. She said her defender is always “the logical one”. I immediately recognized it as a major defense for me too. I wondered why my inner defender left it off her list. Maybe she saw it as a fact and not a defense. Maybe she wasn’t quite ready to let go of that little secret.
But I thought logic would make a great subject for this week. This defense truly deserves a blog post all to itself. As a matter of a fact, I do believe this defense has been more powerful, more debilitating than any other I have employed. You see, it just makes so much sense. Logic just makes sense. Of course, recovery sounds like a crazy idea. Who would want to go through that much pain again? Of course, quitting a corporate job to pursue a passion with no clear income stream (at the time) sounds like a crazy idea. Who would take such a risk? Of course, leaving my abusive family who had always provided a financial safety net (on purpose) sounds like a crazy idea. What happens if you need help?
A Losing Battle
I have many conversations with my inner defender in which she clearly has me on the logic front. It is common to hear phrases like, “Have you lost your mind?” or “How could you be so stupid?” or “How could taking such a risk be a good idea?” And I don’t have many answers. Faith and trust are not something she subscribes to. She has internalized all those messages from society and my parents. And those messages devalue all the things I say in return.
But something has always seemed wrong about her messages. They are familiar, but there is something wrong. When I listen to those messages, I feel less anxiety and fear. But when I listen to those messages, I feel empty. I feel like I am missing the point. I feel like I am just waiting to die. I don’t feel alive. While those messages feel safe, they feel like a death sentence, a death sentence while still living.
So I am learning to recognize those messages as an internalization of statement from those who won’t take risks. I am learning to allow my inner defender to say them, but to make decisions based on my intuition. While my intuition can increase that feeling of anxiety and fear, it also brings joy when I step up to the task. While my intuition sounds crazy in today’s world, my higher self is there to cast the net when I jump. Of course, that requires faith and trust. And that certainly isn’t something trauma survivors embrace easily. But I am learning to live. And living isn’t logic-based.
The next time you hear that voice that tells you to play it safe, to avoid risk, to take the logical path, ask yourself some questions. Where is that voice coming from? What experiences created that voice? Who originally taught you to think like that? How is it holding you back? Don’t reject the voice. It is a part of you. But separate yourself from it. Recognize it for what it is. Allow yourself to be bigger than that logical voice. Allow yourself to believe you can do something “illogical” and be okay. You are more than your logic. Society doesn’t want you to know that. But take my word for it. You are much more than your logic.
There are a lot of things that seem illogical when you do not have full access to your feelings that feel like no-brainers when you do have that access. It makes perfect sense to follow a passion when you have full access to the passion you feel. That doesn’t make it not scary though. The fear has to be felt as well.
Yes. It is often the defender that keeps that access at bay. It is good to be aware of it.
Elisabeth, Your last two posts have really resonated with me. In terms of my own trauma recovery journey I have recently felt a need to step back from all my strong desire (or obsession?) in trying to understand my complex trauma experience. Some personality types, I realized, such as myself (INTJ Myers-Briggs type) have a natural tendency to analyze, to try to make sense, to understand the depths of our experience, this includes the trauma experience. This has been one of my greatest challenges in moving on and putting the past pain associated with trauma behind me. Being an INTJ, I want people and things to make sense, however, trauma is something that does not make sense, at least not entirely.
My art recovery therapist has helped me see that not everything needs to make sense, that closure is not always necessary, but when these are strongly engrained aspects of one’s personality structure (in Jungian terms, I guess they’d call it ‘complexes’) that are not easily overcome. For me, I have recently felt the need to drop the trauma survivor identity to drop into a deeper place of compassion for myself. I am a trauma survivor AND I am also human. Maybe that *should* be obvious, and it’s something I feel I lost sight of when I was in survival mode. I am not perfect. I have defenses, but so does everyone else. Whenever the *shoulds* get the best of me I try to remember to keep things in perspective.
Honestly, when I look back at the progress I have made – where I came from, what I experienced, where I am today, I cannot help but be amazed at myself. It’s important for me, in a world that does not see, that does not know my story, does not know my accomplishments, that I see it in myself. I am making a promise to myself to never lose a sense of awe and amazement about myself – not in a narcissistic way – but in a way that honors myself and the journey. So whatever this inner critic or defender ‘character’ is doing, I’m not going to be derailed. I know it’s part of my character structure – another thing to accept and integrate. I used to think I needed to do something with this ‘character’. Now I just choose to turn down the volume.
My art therapist (who works from a transpersonal perspective) has tried to get me out of my analytical mind chatter. For example, I might be driving to therapy in my analytical mind chatter modality, but once I get into therapy that’s when I try to turn it off by being present. My therapist often begins sessions with me picking some postcards off the floor so we can work with archetypes. This has been very useful for me because in working with the unconscious we’re able to tap into different aspects of my personality structure. I picked out the sober, stoic, proud, Native American Warrior dressed in Western attire. My therapist then asked me, if this man could speak, what would he say to you right now? And I responded, “What the hell were you thinking?” (We both ended up bursting into laughter because it did sound funny at the time). But he was also sending a message to me (or rather my message to myself) which seems reminiscent of what you are writing about. So she asked me, “why do you think the warrior is telling you this?” And I told her it was connected to a recently ended friendship. He was referring to the friendship, how I had screwed up, why didn’t I realize it wasn’t going to work out, why wasn’t I smart enough, rational enough, wise enough, experienced enough to see that? What I realized during session that while it was informative to bring the warrior into the room to hear what he had to say, I really did not require his input or advice.
My therapist made it clear that I could physically move this postcard (or character) away from me. I had the choice. I ended up not moving the postcard, but I remember saying to the Native American Warrior to myself, “thank you very much for thinking of me, but I really didn’t need your opinion. I was able to handle the situation quite well despite your judgment”. And this was a true statement. I *knew* intuitively what I needed to do in terms of ending my friendship. I did what felt right. I trusted my inner compass or intuition. I felt a sense of faith and trust in my own judgements. There was no need for the intervention of the warrior at that time.
At that moment I also felt very strong and grounded. I realized that it’s okay to accept the presence of the inner critic or defender (warrior) but we don’t need to feed into the energy. The best analogy I can come up with is if with my children they had invited a friend over to the house to play and that kid was getting loud and obnoxious and I wanted them to leave, I would say, “Well, it’s nice you could come to visit. But it’s time for you to go now…” Lol. We have boundaries with others and we can also have boundaries within our own personality structure. As you said, “I am learning to allow my inner defender to [have their say], but to make decisions based on my intuition.” And I believe this naturally occurs as we heal and identify less with fear and survival instincts and become more present. It’s safe to trust our intuitions. We no longer need to second guess ourselves or weigh in with a second opinion from our ‘logic’ self or ‘warrior’ self or ‘perfect’ self or whatever.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Elisabeth. I always learn something new about myself after reading your work.
Yes. I think it is important that we recognize the voice is not us and we do what we need to do (even when it inevitably goes against the voice). I also think it is important to integrate the strengths of the inner defender because this part of us can help us. That acceptance has helped me to calm that voice and stop the self sabotage. I love what you are doing with archetypes. I do that work also and it is so powerful for those of us who love analysis mode.
I was finally able to quiet my brain enough to hear this post and comments from you, Jennifer’s and Ashana.
This makes so much sense and I can actually grasp it before logic gets to shred it apart and invalidate everything said because of course this crap doesn’t pertain to me and my life…I also am doing the art thing with a therapist . in the beginning though so I enter the room and automatically go logic with the chatter or disassociate. I’m so grateful for these blogs and comments. They reassure that I am not alone.
Thank you JoEllen. I have a feeling that many people cannot read this post to the end. This is the last thing our defenders want us to understand. Great job getting through it!