The Hardest Part of the Journey
For a long time, I thought the hardest part about trauma recovery was allowing the expression of past emotions. I fought and defended against them for most of my adult life in an attempt to avoid the inevitable. But once I allowed the emotions in, little by little, I saw the improvement in my physical health and well-being. I saw the occasional glimpses of peace and knew I was doing the right thing. It was painful to feel the emotions, but I have finally come to realize, it won’t kill me. (And no, that is not just a phrase. I really thought it would kill me.)
But another part of recovery seems to be taking its place at the top of the hierarchy of apparent impossibility. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier or simpler. It is just as hard as the first time. Maybe it is my stubborn nature. Maybe it is my comfort with staying in my head. But changing my mind has been quite a struggle.
My belief systems have always been pretty solid. Honestly, when I was growing up, there was a ton of evidence supporting them. Nobody is trustworthy. The universe will not support me. I am not worthy of love or anything else for that matter. All these beliefs were supported in my daily life. So when I became an adult, there was no reason to question them. I was keenly aware of the continuing evidence to support my beliefs. And anything that countered my beliefs was explained away.
When I met a loving, trustworthy person, I convinced myself they were faking it. I was sure they had an ulterior motive behind all that love. They must be getting something for it. When something positive happened, I didn’t consider the possibility that I was supported. I just assumed it was my own efforts that made it happen. If someone walked in to my life who wanted to love me for me, I dismissed them as crazy or stupid because nobody would ever want to do that.
It Won’t Happen Without My Help
And so my beliefs remained unchanged … until 9 years ago. When I started my recovery journey, I had no idea what I was in for, but I knew I could not continue my approach to life. The effort to change my mind has been nothing short of moving mountains. I have spent many hours negotiating with my higher self. Do I really have to put forth so much effort? Do I really have to change my beliefs? Can’t I just process the trauma and find peace? That sounds like enough, doesn’t it?
But in reality, the trauma cannot completely process with the old beliefs in place. So I have to do the work. I have to change my mind. And that starts with a simple, yet seemingly impossible task. I have to crack open the door to a new perspective. I have to consider the possibility that things in the world might be different than what I think. And this realization is world-crashing. This realization can shatter a sense of self in a moment. But without it, the shift cannot be completed.
So I hold open the possibility that I might be wrong, or at least exaggerating. I begrudgingly begin the process of actively looking for what I have been explaining away for years. I search for evidence that proves a different truth. And at first, it is horrible. At first, I don’t want to see it. And then, I see it. And then, I see it again. And after I see it a hundred times, I start to accept it as a possibility. And after I see it another hundred times, I consider that it might be more true than my old truth. And at some point in this process, it becomes my new truth.
This is difficult. And it only happens with a conscious and willful effort on my part. I have hoped it would come another way, but it never does. So I spend time with this concept. And I notice when I see something as an indisputable fact. And I crack that door open. I allow the possibility that it might not be the one truth. And my mind changes. And so does my life.
If you are looking to change your mind, I offer one-on-one survivor guidance sessions to help you build awareness in your life.
Yes, this is right where I am too. Great article. Thanks.
Thank you. I am so glad it resonated with you.
I think there is a profound pain that is involved with changing one’s beliefs: if people can be trustworthy, then it was just so very wrong that the people around you during your childhood were not trustworthy. I don’t think one changes one’s mind through a conscious effort to change it, although that will get you through life without too much self-sabotage. I think it happens through gently comforting yourself through feeling that pain. Take care.
I think it’s both. 🙂
Hi, dear friend,
Such a big and transformative part of the journey, for sure. Even though it doesn’t seem as heavily emotional as the release of the past, it is every bit as powerful.
For me, part of the journey is simply the awareness of the unconcious beliefs that are influencing my actions and recognizing how (for the most part) they are an attempt to create safety in the world for my inner little one. Trusting that there is safety (and that if something becomes unsafe, there are steps to protect myself) allows me the freedom to begin choosing new beliefs.
I have also found that for me, there is a deep instinctual self that recognizes the beliefs that are my own and that leaning into that recognition guides me best. This has been difficult at times as the choices are not the mainstream although they share many similar features. I’ve recently come to accept this with the thought that “My path is not the same as yours but I enjoy your company when we meet.” There is comfort in knowing that we can choose our own path and pace but still commune with others who may be slightly different.
Xo
I love your discussion of the deep instinctual self. I have found that my higher self (as I call her) has beliefs that not only go against my familial brainwashing, but are very different from mainstream society too. It has made it more difficult to accept those. But as I consider her beliefs and look for evidence, there is proof that she might be on to something.
I also believed allowing my tidal wave of intense emotion would kill me. But as you found, Elisabeth, it did not. It was only my belief that my emotional pain could kill that kept me trapped in my trauma prison.
I learned so much from those experiences. Mostly, that what I think has a huge affect on my feelings & life in general. Whatever I’m believing/thinking is being mirrored out as my perception. As I’m changeing my buried beliefs using awareness tools, I’m healing & seeing beautiful changes in my life. But as you know, it’s a concerted effort but a very worthwhile one.
Graceful blessings for us all.
Thank you Donna. It does have a profound impact on our life when we allow ourselves to feel the emotional effects of our abuse. Sending you love and light for your journey.
Very good post!
We are on identical paths. I feel exactly the same way. I say to myself why the hell do I need to change? I’m the victim. This makes me feel like it’s all my fault all over. I figure I have to reason a different way. I tell myself I’m not wrong it’s just that my point of view is distorted. The way I was treated was distorted so that’s how I was trained/conditioned. This clarity helps me to learn and grow. Another thought is; I reason if I was in a accident, people would come to my aide. Sadly I had to realize this is not so with emotional wounds. Why? Because it takes a lot of effort and time to heal those wounds. Most people don’t have the resources to do that. So I do what I can and look forward to continuing to heal. Faith keeps me going. I’ll have to signup with you sometime. Thanks for all you do.
It sounds like you are doing some great re-framing here. This is exactly how we change our mind. I am glad you are on this journey Keith.
It comes down to me having to show them ( inner parts) evidence that is contrary to their hard core beliefs and that is an on going process.
Yes. It definitely takes time.
I love this article. Makes so much sense. I just started challenging my beliefs, but find it hard when my others are so firmly entrenched with these beliefs. Makes it feel impossible to make significant progress.
You are doing amazing work Kathy. Even when you are moving at light speed, it can feel like you’re standing still. But this progress happens in small bits, small steps, small actions. Question one thing and make a slightly different choice. Process that fear and when that feels less scary, make another small change.
Your post here gave me inspiration to continue to work really hard with my Cognitive Therapy tools. After making a decision to stop my one-on-one therapy a couple of weeks ago, I am returning to find out more about this. I love that you tell us about small steps, bits and actions. I, like others, wanted this cure overnight. Also, I am now realizing that my trauma was mostly from just 20 years ago, not 70 (my age) and here is still hope for me to overcome these fears I live with. I’ve come a little way with your encouragement, I don’t know how I would have done this without you and will continue with your help!
Thank you so much Barbara. I am happy to hear that you are embracing small steps in this journey and that I have helped you.