As I continue to pursue my dreams, I am often faced with my unconscious beliefs about why it is a horrible idea. Lately, I have spent most of my time, energy and awareness on how those beliefs are holding me back from my plans to live a very different life than my childhood. And I don’t know why I am still surprised to see yet another belief to explore. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting these beliefs alone are stopping progress. But my beliefs fuel my actions and my defenses, so they are having an impact.
I often get the sense that I prefer failure. I am not referring to the small failures that teach us how to overcome obstacles and meet our long-term goals. I am talking about failure on a much bigger level. I am discussing the kind of failure that keeps life in a rut. I am talking about the kind of failure that comes from quitting after 95% of the job is done. This failure comes from self sabotage.
But there are reasons for this. And when I look at my past, they make so much sense. I wonder how it would be possible to get out of a traumatic childhood without these beliefs. (Although I never say never.) They are ingrained in the experiences of trauma. In many ways, they are inseparable. So where do they come from? Let me explain how three of my most detrimental beliefs were formed.
1) Invisibility is safest. I learned this very early in life. If I could stay invisible, I could potentially stay safe. Sometimes this meant literal invisibility that would come from hiding. Sometimes this meant lowering my energetic presence substantially so nobody noticed I was in the room. As a child, I believed this was very effective. As an adult, I now know my parents would have seen me if they had wanted to see me. If they were looking for someone to manipulate, abuse or use, they would have seen me. But they were neglectful, so they chose not to.
And I have learned that I cannot be invisible and successful. Nobody is going to know what I have to offer the world if I don’t tell them or show them. I can’t rely on people to accidentally stumble upon my offerings (although that does occasionally happen at just the right time). I must be visible … in a big way. And my inner child is not so sure that will be safe.
2) Success will lead to happiness, and if I am happy, I will lose what I gained. I grew up in a family that did not encourage genuine happiness and joy. They were suspicious of it. They knew they had created an environment of utter misery, so if a child was happy, it was clear that child was up to something. They could not take that chance. They would attempt to thwart whatever made me feel happy. So I learned to mute my happiness to conceal the source. But most of the time, I was found out.
And what could create more happiness than success in achieving my dreams? What a wonderful thing to lead a purpose-filled life. What a tremendous feeling to know I can accomplish something amazing. But happiness is not for me. If I get positive, optimistic or even dare to be happy, how long will it take to lose it? And my inner child is tired of grieving what she can’t seem to have.
3) When we come face-to-face with the unknown, bad things happen. My children love surprises. They have had so many amazing surprises in their lives. It is so inspiring to watch them get excited over something that isn’t quite clear yet. But that is not me. I hate the unknown. In my family, surprises were ALWAYS bad. There were no exceptions. Hence my defense mechanism of control. I would attempt to control everything, whether or not it was controllable. I exhausted myself by controlling the impossible to control. And if something didn’t turn out like I needed, my reaction was dramatic. It didn’t matter how small it was.
But this type of success requires letting go of the wheel. The uncontrollable is not going to be controlled. And I have to accept that. I have to allow for the process to unfold in the way it must. And 9 times out of 10, it will not be what I thought. But 9 times out of 10, it will be better. That doesn’t make sense to an inner child who developed a keen sense of control over her life. She isn’t so sure about this plan to let go. She votes “no”.
So while success seems like it would be the obvious choice, it doesn’t happen when those inner parts are still objecting. And I have to understand they have valid reasons for their objections. They need evidence and I can’t always give them evidence. But I keep working to show them there is safety now. And while failure may seem optimal, it is not the right choice.
God must be working in my life right now because this almost exactly what I’m struggling with at marriage counseling last night we spoke about shame base
My parents divorced when I was 8 and I started drinking @12 then I was pregnant at 16 had bad relationships and today I’m 7 years sober from alcohol and pills but I’m still struggling…: not with that bit mental things
I’ve been married 13 years and I have 4 kids 26,21,12,&5 i want to save my marriage and this is what I need to get past the shame …. Thanks from the bottom of my heart I needed this today Jennifer Hood
I am so happy to hear this helped you. These beliefs are tough to overcome, but when we bring awareness to them, it becomes possible. Sending you love and light in your journey.
I’m all with you on 1 & 3. But not so sure about #2. I think this emphasis on happiness, our right to it, etc. is a particularly American trait based on our high level of living. One cannot be too concerned with happiness while struggling for the basics: food, water, shelter and enough funds to keep those needs intact.
As any refugee, immigrant or person struggling to meet every day needs can tell you: Searching for happiness is elusive and not integral. I ascribe to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. No, I am not an educated person in the normal sense and unaware if anyone has come up with a better model or has shot holes in his theory to the point it has best replaced with a better model. If you don’t know how his triangle model works, look it up on Wikipedia.
I know in my own life things like doctor appointments. refills of prescriptions and seeking other professional services are limited by income: I am often robbing Peter to pay Paul. Things like new glasses and dental work easily get ignored or put off until I just can’t take it anymore.
But yet, I am at peace in my day to day life. I can escape into books (from the library), watch something I previously recorded or listen to
music. I can reach out to others if my own stuff is overwhelming to share it, reducing its impact by half. But seeking happiness?
I seek peace and contentment with my present situation while working to improve it; hoping some day it will if I do the footwork. Yes, I sometimes sabotage but less and less at 98%.
I understand what you are saying. I am referring to the kind of joy that is at the foundation of being human. It requires no things. But it does require presence. I wrote this piece on it earlier. http://beatingtrauma.com/2015/10/28/spectator-sport/
Actually, some of the most joyous people I have met have very little to their name. They just somehow get that none of that matters. That being said, if basic needs are not met, it is not on the table for sure.
I feel so many similar emotions and beliefs but for me, it seems to cycle more closely around trust. If I’m invisible, I don’t have to trust that being seen will result in hurt. If I can get all the information right myself, I don’t have to trust that someone else will support me. If I can make myself happy, I don’t have to trust that someone else will be there for me.
The hard thing is (I’m sure that know this) that without having had that experience of trust and being cared for, it’s hard to understand what you’re missing out on. So it’s a double leap of faith…in trusting that there’s more good that we don’t know and can’t fathom while simultaneously letting down the old guards. It’s tough
That is so true! Thank you. I think everything we are working through has a basis in trust. It always seems to be the foundation.
Trust/fear feel like opposite sides of the same coin. For some reason thinking of them together makes it feel like less of an enormous task to find trust.
Lots of love to you and Little E. Xo
Absolutely! You resolve your fears and you gain trust. No doubt about it.
Number 1 really resonated with me. I struggle a lot with the need to be invisible, to be not heard or seen for fear of the results. Feels safer yet as you say it keeps me stuck, and it I think helps keep me stuck in those ways. So long as I live by these beliefs as if they are true, my abuser wins. It’s only when I find the courage to fight the beliefs that I can win by living life and living well.
Exactly. That is the struggle and it takes so much courage to overcome. Sending you love and light in your journey.
Wow! Another fantastic post. I continue to work with my inner child(ren) but find it incredibly hard to convince her that being seen is actually safe now, and necessary. She seems to still find a certain comfort in clinging to the past. Striving to remain invisible, backing away from new challenges, and crouching behind a thick screen of self-doubt. And yet at the same time she screams out every day to be seen and heard, to be confident, more assertive, and to find the success that she so deserves. I try to show her compassion, and gently ask her to let down her guard, and to trust me, but I know it will take a long time. Meanwhile the pain (and heartbreaking joyful moments) I feel as we journey together continue to be bewildering, but your posts help us both to know that we are not alone – thank you.
Thank you Olive. I completely understand that push and pull. In my case, I have found it to be a “battle” between my younger inner child who wants to express openly and an older inner protector part who wants to keep things quiet. That has been the main source of my anxiety over the past few years. (I consider anxiety to be a disconnect in the “opinions” of our parts.)
Yes, perhaps that is it – inner parts with conflicting opinions
I literally choke, gag, can’t breathe and or dissacciosiate when trying to speak up for myself, I find most days I don’t do much talking at all. Recently with my Cranial Sacral therapist Jane, on Friday with another Cranial sacral therapist doing Somoatic emotional release work for my acute PTSD, after almost 9 months… I was finally after choking and gagging for a while, I was finally able to scream stop touching me!!! and don’t touch me!!! Tomorrow with my mental health therapist I will be working on or with a voice box, to help me really find my voice.
I hope that work goes well. I have also found that journaling helps me to get my voice back. It doesn’t sound like it would, but it has helped.
That’s a very interesting way of looking at anxiety. I can totally see that there is a major battle going on between of my parts. I learned about the concept of parts only a couple of months ago and am starting to see where all the push and pull comes from.Thank you for this post!
Thank you Pati. I am glad you are learning about it. It can make such a huge difference in understanding our anxiety.
I relate so incredibly much to everything you say here, it’s so painful! Yet I’m realizing I’m not alone.
You are not alone!
Oh how all these things ring true but I’m obviously a lot older than most of you so carried this “stuff” forever” and I used to babble to cover up my inadequacies and failures
I became a Life Coach but haven’t pursued it because well I would have to put myself out there and I might fail after spending ginormous amounts trying to make it in Internet Marketing and of course failing.
I have spent so much on self help and whilst I believe in most of it I couldn’t get it to work until I read a book called The One Command and I have been transformed with practising it, mostly daily with some slip ups. My life is slowly turning into what I have dreamt it to be like even since I was old enough to know invisibility.
I am going to try once more to get my coaching going and show people who spend like there’s no tomorrow how those early years have affected their ability to do what they want/need to do just like we all have.
Thank you for showing me there are others out there who have my “problems” and we aren’t nutty we just got a bad start in life.
I am so glad you are going to get back to your passion. Your experiences will teach so many others.