The Internal Family System
Since I discovered my inner child early in my recovery process, I have worked hard to establish a relationship with my inner parts. I have allowed them to be mean to me as they have worked through their anger and grief. I have allowed them to be heard. They have told me their stories, many times for the first time. I have always expressed how we were in this process together. I would never leave them. I would never abandon them. I would not don another mask to quiet them again.
I have written and spoke for many years about the need to treat our inner parts in age-appropriate ways, so they would have the opportunity to finally grow up and become a part of the whole. This could mean integration or it could just mean cooperation. It depends on your take. But one thing is for sure. They are no longer an outsider. I have often cautioned against labeling inner parts as inner critics because it leaves the impression that we can “throw them out”. I have always seen that view point as dangerous.
But I have always been open to new concepts and ideas around recovery. Honestly, my openness has been one of the greatest success factors in my recovery. So when I came to the realization this morning that there might be something else going on, I was confused and concerned. Let me explain.
The Other Part
Lately, I have been working with a new part who seemed to be 20-something. This didn’t surprise me. I know from my friends with DID that older alters are very common. And it made sense. I have been traveling up the age order with my work, so this was a natural progression. I noticed that she was quite adamant about her opinions and very logical. She was so logical that she has convinced me at times that she was the only logical one. Her opinions are very fear-based and she thinks my higher self is a trickster with nothing but evil intentions. Needless to say, establishing trust has been a challenge. I wasn’t sure how or if I would get through to her.
This weekend, I had a major physical shift in my neck. This area has been a fundamental physical component in my recovery. My throat was impacted by physical, emotional and verbal abuse when I was growing up. Since this journey has been about regaining my voice, it is not surprising to me. But right after the shift, I felt a strong drive to journal my feelings. Something needed to be said. It sounded a lot like my 20-something part. But when I started writing, it was much more hostile than she had been in past. The message could be paraphrased to “you have messed up now”. I took it to mean that something she was trying to protect or secure had just been opened for healing. And she was furious about it.
And that may be true. But this morning, I had another urge to write and it was more of the hostile approach from the weekend. It was very harsh. It was as severe as the verbal abuse from my parents. I didn’t take it personally. I knew it was an aspect of me. But my response surprised me most of all. Instead of trying to convince her that it would be okay and I would be there for her no matter what, I took a different approach. I told her that while I would love to take this journey with her, I would be glad to do it without her. I told her that if she felt the strong need to leave, then she should go.
Letting Go
I was stunned by my response. And I was confused. There is no part of me that can up and leave. That isn’t possible. We have to work together. Then two words hit me from out of nowhere: false self. I was dumbfounded. How could this be a false self? A false self was a mask. A false self wasn’t an entity, was it? I had never heard of such a thing. Could the false self be an actual entity that lived as a part? Was it possible to kick this part out? Is that an aspect of letting go that I had not considered? I know this false self did a great job of hiding from consciousness. Until this morning, I had not recognized this part. She became so angry, she blew her cover.
But this false self has kept me alive for my adult life. She has a very specific approach to life that has worked well for her. In many ways, she uses my strengths but takes them to an extreme. She is independent, distrusting of others, self-serving, independent, willful, controlling, independent, highly logical and full of evidence of the rotten world around her. Did I mention she is independent? She doesn’t want help from others, least of all me. She doesn’t want to cooperate with me. She doesn’t want to explore new options. She wants to stay safe, no matter what the cost to others. And she does not see how my plan of trust, openness and vulnerability is a safe one. She will not change for the sake of my goals. She will not get on board.
So I must let her go. I must let go of all the defenses that saved my life in the first forty years because they don’t serve me any longer. She must pack her bags and go back where she came from. And I must unearth my real, true, whole self, the self who has been waiting to emerge. Or maybe I will do nothing at all. Maybe she is just waiting for the space, the room to move back in. Maybe I have been waiting for her too.
Great post! I think I have an aspect similar to this as well! Working on understanding and integrating and can totally relate to everything you wrote. Thanks for the optional “way out”, I hadn’t considered that and am totally open to the possibilities!
Thank you Katie. It is such an ever-changing experience and I know it is unique to each person. But it certainly provides plenty to consider.
Elisabeth, thank you for your vulnerability. I really appreciate what you wrote here. I was wondering if you would be willing to talk about the shift in your neck? I have had so much neck pain that has been a huge mystery to me, as I know it is related to the trauma, but have not been able to figure out how for the life of me. I wasn’t sure if you were saying that it is related to finding your voice? Or if it is something else? I would love to understand your perspective on that more if you are willing to share. If not, I absolutely understand! Also, was wondering if there is a part of you that was “fused” to the part that needed to leave?? The part underneath the false part would still need care if so……I have heard of this happening before.
Hi there, I do believe that my physical symptoms with my throat are tied to getting my voice back. At the same time, I believe there are also ties to physical violence (I experienced one attack in which I was strangled). I think the healing is on multiple levels. And the shifts are usually fixing a problem from long ago. This particular shift was a correction of a scoliosis in my spine. I know it sounds crazy that it would fix itself, but I have experienced this many times. These changes usually open up additional memories and emotions.
Sometimes I experience physical pain when I am retrieving memories that is undeniably related to the memory. Other times, the physical pain does not seem directly related. However, there are definitely ties. Maybe it was the “storage” place of the memory in my body.
As for a fused inner part: if that has happened, it would be my 20-something part. I have been working with her recently and she would be the most likely candidate. My 20-something may have even created the false self. I have a feeling that I would not have become conscious of the false self if they were still fused. And I believe my 20-something part has let it go. Actually as I type this, I am emotional, so it is highly likely she is grieving the loss of it.
Thanks for expanding on that, Elisabeth. And for your 20-something part, yes – the grief. Loss is loss. She will have to learn a whole new way now. She may be scared or angry along with the grief. And rightly so. You are doing such a great job. Hugs, friend.
I had an aha moment from your question, so thank you for asking it. My 20-something part was highly rewarded for her choices to be overly willful while she worked in the Corporate world. Those environments tend to reward the “take no prisoners” approach. More than likely, she saw it as a fool-proof plan to stay safe and make money. It worked until I stepped in with a higher-self plan and pissed her off. 🙂
You’re one tough cookie, Elisabeth. You stand in your power and your truth. “Beating Trauma” is a testament to brutal determination and willfullness. While I wouldn’t say you come across as a person that “Take No Prisoners”, I will say you come across a a force to be reckoned with. Is there a subtle nuance there? Lol. Seems there might be room to more fully integrate these qualities if they feel honoring to you. That’s not simple task (at least I have not experienced it that way). I struggle with that myself. It’s not so much a question of “who am I?” rather it’s a question of “who do I want to be?” (what qualities do I want to reflect? How do I maintain a sense of integrity? How do my actions reflect my values and sense of self?) I think we experience something very different than most people who are not trauma survivors who often never go through a conscious integrative practice. Most people don’t reflect about their parts, although we all have them (traumatized or not). I sometimes I wonder how much of these parts can I hold, what can I integrate, what do I need to integrate, how to integrate, why to integrate. We all get to choose what parts of ourselves we reveal to others. For me, much of ‘it’ is still there – I’m not perfect – there’s still the judgmental piece, the perfectionist piece,the impatient piece, the controlling piece – and I am trying to befriend it all. I’m not perfect. I know for myself there has been a subtle shift in identity that has occurred over the last year or so. I am becoming less rigid. I am becoming more open and accepting. I am feeling less need to compete. I am becoming more integrated. And it’s something I’m choosing to work less at because I know that my perfectionist/controlling aspects of my personality can inhibit the natural flow. I’m am allowing it to let it happen as it happens. Meditating and trying to stay present to feelings helps me a little when my ‘ego’ takes over, when the self critic raises her ugly head and beats me up about a mistake I made, a stupid, judgmental thing I said to someone. Reframing it as a perfectly ‘stupid’ or ‘judgmental’ comment helps too and makes me laugh. I can be quite stupid sometimes and that’s a charming aspect of me because it makes me quite human like everyone else. I try to be gentle with myself as I know that the healing journey is a long and winding road and nirvana is illusive, in fact, is an impossibility.
I think you hit the nail on the head. I see this process (integration or cooperation) as grounding our innate qualities. It seems that the “personas” we take on are an exaggerated sense of our true selves. If we can become less rigid and move towards the middle, our true qualities can shine in a grounded way. When the chatter slows, we can be guided by something other than our brains, and we can connect with what should be guiding us.
Dear Elizabeth,
As one with DID and alters I can always relate to everything you write about your parts down to the letter and we deeply appreciate you. What your describing in your neck happened to me as well when remembering certain trauma but in a very different way as well. For example, when my interject Janice comes forward who is like my mother abusive and hyper critical, my body remembers and my wrists would show bruises with no reason. Like wise when my other alter Kyros who is an interject of my father is out or I have those memories, whip marks appeared on my back. Every cell of our being remembers, because that compartmentalization of trauma and pain are held so tightly in the body and mind. Sadly, my alters hold their own perceptions, fighting for or against me and it can be down right exhausting and demeaning so I get you! The anger follows from grief and we find that each alter expresses their new found voice through old coping mechanisms along with the anger to cause me to pause, get my attention and get their needs met. Often these are protective alters utilizing the wrong means of protecting us.
What you shared here about letting go is key! We can let go and tell them fare well job well done or in this case for me, you’ve protected me in your own way I get that however, now you can go, because we no longer need you. The difference between you and I in our journey is that I’m conscious after the fact, I still am not aware of what my alters do. I’ve personally experienced integration in one of three ways; some rest and leave for good, others pop back up when I least expect them to and some become one with me and not only do I get their memories and perceptions but we are joined and they are free.
You are doing remarkable work and by sharing your life and writings with all of us, we’re constantly affirmed and reminded we’re never alone in this journey. Thank you, Elizabeth!
Best to you on this journey!
~KDH
Thank you so much for your comment. I love all of my DID friends on this journey. I am so passionate about what you are doing and I too see the tremendous parallels in our recovery. That being said, you are so much braver because you face challenges I cannot begin to comprehend. I work with several DID clients who have suicidal alters and the bravery they show every day is immense. Each survivor I meet feels differently about integration, so it is interesting to hear your take on it.
While my neck shift was permanent, I can relate to your physical manifestations with your alters. Mine come up through memory repression and recovery. For example, when I recovered a memory about spraining my ankle, I could barely walk for a week. It was as if my ankle was re-injured and needed to be healed all over again. The physical aspects of this journey are truly fascinating to me.
Thank you again for your comment. I am so glad to be in touch with you and I love learning from you.
Thank you for your beautiful response, Elizabeth. It’s such a relief and blessing to be aligned with other survivors such as yourself therefore we’re never truly alone in this battle. I’m encouraged that you learn from us as we do you, that makes me smile. I wouldn’t call us braver just suffering in various ways I suppose. My perspective on integration has come through much healing on my own and now with a team of people and EMDR though some of my alters disagree of course. ;)The physical aspects of this journey play out as if we have broken bones that have healed crooked and misshapen due to years of abuse, but when we heal it requires re-braking of those bones and our body remembers and responds again. My TBI is really bad right now so I will end this for now. Thank you for sharing this journey with us, for loving my art and helping so many people.
Best to You!
~KDH
I like what you have said about re-braking bones. It does feel as though all wounds (including the physical) need to be reopened and healed properly. Thank you for your beautiful comments.
Hi Elisabeth,
Sounds like you are doing a great job taking care of those parts. I did a lot of IFS as part of my complex trauma therapy – in fact – most of my trauma work was parts work.
I think your intuition is right on about the adult part. My therapist said that you never want to exile a part, rather it is best to befriend. I realized at some point during the course of treatment that it was the oldest one – the eleven year old was the ‘Defender’ that was trying to protect all of the younger ones ( 3, 5, 8 & 9). My therapist and I had to work with her first and build a relationship of trust before she would step aside and let the younger ones come forth.
My therapist did one activity that worked well with me (and my parts). She had me imagine a safe place where my child parts and I could meet. I chose a secluded beach with a campfire. I visualized all the parts together in one space. The younger ones had beach balls and made sand castles. We had a conversation with the oldest one and discussed some feelings with her and gently asked her to “step aside”. This actually required me to visualize her moving to the right so I could connect with the others. I could see her physically putting a barrier between me and the other child parts.
We also had several meetings in this beach location where any member that wanted to step forth was welcome to talk. That caused come confusion when more than one was demanding to be heard. This needed to be negotiated with the parts. Usually the youngest part would win, but not always. Sometimes they would be nearby playing on the floor during the older part conversation.
Sounds like your 20 year old is going through some grieving. <3 She needs to know that she did a great job protecting herself and the younger ones. Maybe she needs to know that all hat work she did was appreciated. It helped you all feel protected and helped keep you alive. But now since you've grown and evolved as a person, she can step aside and let you assume the role of a full adult. You can manage life without having the protect yourself in the same way anymore.
I also have found that in getting to know each part a little more over time that they each have their redeeming qualities. For me, the five year old was charming, creative, happy and go with the flow. The eleven year old was responsible, wise, competent, caring and sensitive. Surely, the 20 year old has some great attributes too that are still present in your own character and personality. I think that deserves to be honored. I have reflected on those many years of my adult life that I felt I wore a mask. There was someone real under the mask – only it was someone very much in pain, depressed and angry at the world. I realized that my false self did not need to assume her former role as various defenses dropped. I feel that I am much more authentic and present with others now, but it doesn't mean Ionger mask at all! 100% authnticity is pretty much impossible. We all do our social relations bit. We act tactful, diplomatic, pleasant and civil sometimes even around people we don't like to maintain relationships. While we might strive to live in accordance with our higher selves, we are not fully transparent and honest all the time. We are only human. We are not perfect. With that in mind, I bet (or intuite) that the twenty year old has some saavy business and social skills that can be put to use in a way that enables you succeed without compromising your value system. Integrity, authenticity, caring are qualities you project into the world that are also a reflection of who you truly are (your true self). Feeling that congruence let's the twenty year old know that she can soften the false front and she can step out only on those occassions that her services may be required and appreciated.
I learn so much from you. Wish you continued success.
You have described many of the conversations I have had with my 20-something (almost as if you were there). I have let her know how grateful I am for her determination and ability to navigate the business world with so much courage. She is truly brilliant. She has just taken things to an extreme in some cases. I think her release of the false self may be in response to those conversations. While she is not totally on board with what I am doing, I think she gets that I need her savvy approach if we are going to take on the challenges ahead.
I love what you did with your children on the beach. I have a client who uses a cabin because that was her safe place. Each child gets their own space. My higher self brought each child to me in order, one at a time. As a matter of a fact, it was hard to distinguish a difference at the time (in hindsight I see it). I guess I need to be grateful for that now. I am not sure how I would have handled your scenario.
I did a visualization with my teenager though. Once the children were safely “with me”, I went to my old childhood home and asked her to travel to our new home. She made the journey but it took her a while to cross the threshold in to the house.
Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate your story. It helps to have community on this recovery path.
Sounds like you’ve got it figured out, Elisabeth. This is not easy work to do outside of formal therapy. I just want to validate that. The parts work that you have done is a true testament to your determination, resourcefulness, intuitive skills and intelligence. I’m sure you’re doing great work with your clients as you apply these skills in your healing practice. What a great role model for your clients! 🙂
I’m not sure I have it figured out, but I am doing what I know to do today. 🙂
I do formal therapy as well. And I encourage all my clients to have therapists. We need to come at this from multiple angles. It is never simple.
Wonderful post and comments from everyone, too.
I think I’ve mentioned that I share the throat symptom with you. It manufests in eating disorder for me, tied to an extremely strong unconscious desire to say no. No to many things.
I also have a strong defender part whom I don’t know as well,I get triggered into dissociation. I differentiate this from ego, though.
Thank you! I think the throat symptoms are very common in survivors for one reason of another, but our ability to say “no” has been stolen, so it makes sense. I also think the defender is usually separate from the ego self that gets us through the day. It is almost like the defender is protecting other parts from the ego. But I don’t know anything for sure. There is nothing straight-forward about this process.
The “throat” stuff is interesting. Even though I am not actively experiencing CPTSD, I do get a sense of my throat tightening up once in a while, like a part that wants to speak, but feels she cannot speak. I think it’s related to the sexual abuse and extremely violent and life threatening experiences that silenced expression. This isn’t easily resolved. I feel like there is always a bit more that the child parts can say about the traumas they endured. Ironically, as I become more outspoken and self confident as an adult, I have noticed it’s occurred more often. It’s also occurring more frequently as i have begun art therapy – another form of self expression. Maybe these parts are feelings it’s safe to express through feelings in the throat even though they are not exactly telling me what they are feeling or in what context. It’s an ongoing exploration. Something I’m going to need to go back and re examine in trauma therapy.
Yes! My throat work has been ongoing. As I reach deeper and deeper levels of recovery, and take new steps in the outer world using my voice, my throat continues to open both physically and energetically. And like with all aspects of this work, it goes through contractions and expansions before it shifts. I have also had that tightness as it contracts. Then it will expand and I will feel physical sensations of letting go. And I also agree that is seems to apply to any form of self-expression. Even when I am writing or creating visual work for my site, my throat seems to be involved.
First time here. What is DID, please?
Dissociative Identity Disorder. It used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder. It is caused by dissociation from trauma.
Thank you so much for sharing.
I just discovered your work and although intuitively I have been working with my ‘inner child’s, ‘inner teenager’… The depth you dive and your obvious skill here is really inspiring.
As is the level of respect that is held on the communication in your community- to hold that space really reflects to me the level of integrity and work you have done and I am teary just thinking about it.
The world needs this. Thank you.
And I can relate to this 20somethging part. Although mine became extremely ‘alternative’ and ran to nature to hide. She also became angry at society.
It came off the back of rejecting a loving early adulthood relationship from emerging feelings of hostility and self hatred. At the time she desperately still needed ‘home’, family, but it had disappeared and she was out on her own and really just frightened of the world. At the same time, she was a woman with a desire and a right to engage is loving mature supportive relationships, to be independent…She feels like she is in my tight shoulders and yet she has become skeletal now 20years on, a child of my own, single… Nothing of material worth and lucky to have a house to rent.
She feels pretty ‘superior’ to others on a subconscious level, and having the self compassion to know that I’d purely a protective mechanism is helping.
Thank you so much for your kind words Rachel. You have great awareness of this part of yourself. My controller (the part with the mask) lives in my shoulders and neck and throat so we are similar in that way. This part can definitely come off as superior to others. Love to you.
Thank you for your post. I, too, have discovered a very angry persona who is furious that I’m even thinking about my past abuse. I’ve felt this angry self for years and was fearful of her, of what she might do. It wasnt until recently that it has come to me that this is a false persona. I’ve realized that this “person” is the voice of my abuser. I’ve internalized the anger and threats from him without even realizing it. All these years it’s been him yelling at me, threatening me and others to shut up, and I only felt like it was me. I realize now that the threats coming from this persona are not real because they are not from me and I want to tell my story. I still hear my persona yelling, getting angry at therapists who bring up my past, but I’m separating this person from me more and more and it’s taken a huge weight off my mind.
Thank you Tammy! This definitely sounds like internalized abuse that your controller is spitting back at you. Let it express in writing if you can. That will help to release it from your system.