I remember the first time I stopped defending against my repressed memories. I had always seen the memory flashes, but I ignored them. They weren’t memory flashes of actual attacks. They were images of very mundane scenes like a living room, a trinket on a counter top or a backyard. My normal approach would be to dismiss them. They weren’t real. They weren’t logical. They must have been dreams. Sometimes, I would defend against them so well, my conscious mind would not even get a glimpse. In those cases, there was nothing to dismiss.
After three years of therapy, I finally reached a point in my recovery journey where I became curious. What if those flashes weren’t dreams? What if they weren’t some irrelevant, concocted or otherwise meaningless creations? What if they were important? What if they were affecting my life? So I asked the question, which has become the most critical three words in my recovery process. “What was that?”
And so began my journey of memory recovery. Over time, I learned that those seemingly irrelevant images were the physical surroundings of the attacks. I could spend days recovering the entire layout of a house or a stretch of road or a park. Once the physical surroundings were clear, I would recover the actual traumatic event. It is important to note that this was not an emotionless process. Unfortunately, the emotions tied to the event would come first. It can be very confusing to have suicidal feelings for no reason at all. Of course, it didn’t take me long to realize that those feelings were a precursor to a new memory. I was able to separate them from my current reality and use them as a sign that I needed to start asking that question. What is that? Why do I feel like this? Is there something I need to understand?
The critical nature of this question cannot be understated. I have learned that my recovered memories are stored not just in a separate part of my brain, but with a separate part of the self, a child part. Imagine you were interacting with a traumatized child. Imagine that child had something to tell you. Maybe she wasn’t sure if it was safe to tell you. Now consider the child’s reaction if you responded by saying, “That’s not true. You are making that up.” That might seriously impact the conversation. Now consider that child’s reaction if you said, “Tell me more about that. I want to understand it.” There might be a deep, relieved breath. The child might share a little more. She might be willing to take the conversation just a little further, and see how you handle it. Without your curiosity, that conversation would go nowhere.
I have met countless people, who have said things like, “I would go to therapy, but I don’t want to know what I don’t know.” Many people have told me that they think there is something they don’t remember. They have asked me how they can remember. That is difficult to answer. It requires creating a relationship with that part of the self that doesn’t want to release that information. It requires curiosity. It requires patiently asking the question, “What was that?” It is possible to find that lost childhood, but it requires dedication. It requires a desire to uncover what is actually running your life. Curiosity never killed anyone, but it does create change. I know that change is scary, but death is scarier. If we stop changing, we stop growing. If we stop growing, we stop living. I choose change. I choose curiosity.
You have no idea how much reading this helped me, thank you many blessings I use to think I was crazy and now I am starting to understand
I am so glad to hear that Selina. That is why I write it.
This has made me think, I have flashes of places and recurring dreams of places (houses) that don’t make sense to me, all I know is I’m scared in the dreams. i have discovered through work in therapy that i was victim to the grandfather, but haven’t allowed myself to see the full picture of that yet, it scares me.
Can a gut feeling also be something more?
Absolutely. A gut feeling or a dream can be an invitation to look at something in a deeper way. It is an invitation to be curious.
very interesting and scarey too. thank you for sharing this it’s helpful
Am pleased you’ve chosen curiosity; I haven’t thought of it in the way you’ve put it.
Am doing pretty much what you described, with regards to working with a child-part. It is, like you say, really confusing when intense ,unsafe feelings that seem to be unconnected to anything concrete ‘take over’.
Thank you for sharing this with us and for choosing to live rather than exist amongst fragments.
<3
I love the way you put that: “exist among fragments”. That is exactly how it feels when the parts on not integrated.
This is part of the mindfulness journey, sort of staying present and observing these details from a distance without thought.
The stuck parts are dissociated at the time trauma occurred, in childhood.
Healing is going towards the fear, the anxiety and letting the storyline fade, in this moment of now.
We all experiences it somewhat differently.
I found that surrendering, opening my chest like a butterfly net to catch the terror the fear without resistance melted it.
When I had enough resilience to stay present when triggers erupted pPQTSD collapsed at the strongest trigger point. PTSD can not play defense.
Absolutely!
You are amazing and wonderful to have put such a powerfully dark process in a healing way. Your article and all the comments about the journey were spot on! And I would say to anyone, as much as it pains you the journey is neccessary to heal and find your authentic self. Facing those ghosts and exorcising the haunts while scary was liberating.
Thank you so much Tammye for your kind words. This is absolutely about my journey to my authentic self.
Big hugs to you and your adorable, innocent little girl. Xo
Mine started coming back when it finally clicked that I wasn’t crazy. When I saw objectively the extent of the gaslighting, lies and manipulation.
You are so right when you say the desperation and emotions come first. I can now feel when my little girl is ready to tell me more. For me, it all comes out through non-dominant handwriting. Sometimes words, sometimes pictures. Sometimes I can hear what she is going to say, but a lot of the times it’s not until it’s written or drawn that I get it.
Sometimes it makes me feel crazy again, these words or pictures spilling out of my unconscious. But when I read or look at them, the details are so accurate. They’re not details I would think to draw or write, even if I tried. But they’re right. They’re real. And so is the other stuff. All of it.
Now I’m at the point where I need to acknowledge the pain. I’m so resistant to this, feel so unsafe. It’s been really challenging these past few months. And yet I keep going. Not perfectly but still trying.
Thank you for letting me take up space and for letting yourself be known. ?
You have such a great handle on how your inner child communicates. That is fantastic. And you are not taking up space. I love your comments. Thank you for taking the time to write them.
VERY informative. Very insightful and helpful as to how to communicate with the inner children. Very blessed with a strong curiosity…so this is good to have on this journey.
Thank you. I am so glad! <3