Dissociation was my defense mechanism of choice when I was young. The sexual, physical and emotional abuse started when I was only three years old, and I could not escape it, so I learned to leave my body entirely. At the time, it kept me sane. In adulthood, it wasn’t serving me, but I didn’t know that.
When I found yoga sixteen years ago, I was living my life in my mind. I did not realize that there was another way to live. I was so dissociated that the only moments I spent in my body were in yoga class, and honestly, I was pretty good at doing yoga without grounding myself (except for the balancing postures).
I first heard about healing meditation during a trip to an ashram. Honestly, before the trip, I thought meditation involved sitting on a mountain top chanting mantras for days. I really had no interest. I tried meditation while at the ashram, but it was extremely challenging for me. My mind had always run my life. I didn’t know how to quiet my mind. When I was successful, I felt like I lost myself completely. When my mind was quiet, I ceased to exist. That produced more fear. I made a decision that meditation was not for me.
Fast forward ten years and I was still dissociated. The yoga helped some, but not enough. I knew something had to change. I started reading self-development books, and one resonated with me: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. From reading that book, I discovered something new about meditation. It wasn’t about sitting on a mountain top. It wasn’t about shutting down my mind. It was about living in the present. Most importantly, it was about being in my body. Of course, I had spent about five minutes in my body during my lifetime. I had no idea how to do that.
I am a willful person. I want everything to happen fast. Even after six years of recovery, that hasn’t really changed. It is just innate to who I am. However, for some reason, after reading The Power of Now, I choose to take a “baby step”. It might have been the first baby step I had ever taken, and honestly, there have not been many since then, but that baby step may have saved my life. I don’t know where I got the idea, but I decided to “be in the moment” while driving my car. I didn’t try to turn off my mind and this was key to my success. I let my mind think about anything as long as it had to do with the present moment: the buttons and dials on the dashboard of the car, the car in front of me, the signs on the road, the scenery as I drove, and especially the trees. The trees have always grounded me. At first, I was able to stay present for about thirty seconds, but it didn’t take long before I could do it for an entire fifteen minutes.
This baby step led me to other moments of awareness. I started to sense my body and the way it was feeling, and honestly, most of the time it didn’t feel very good. The turning point came when I was able to focus on my body pain without judgment. I noticed that the pain would dissipate when I would focus on it and feel whatever emotions were associated with it. This has led to physical healing that is just not possible with medicine. It has led to miraculous changes in my life that would not have been possible without that baby step.
Today, I use this form of meditation on a daily basis. Although I do meditate more deeply now, I rarely have to quiet my mind completely. I just use it for a better purpose. I focus my mind on the particular activities of that moment. I try not to get lost in the past or the future. There are still plenty of days with dissociation, but on good days, I feel like a completely different person. There is no anxiety, no impatience, no panic. It feels like the trauma was never a part of my life. It started with a realization and a small step. It started with an understanding that something needed to change and that I had the power to change it. With just one baby step, my entire world transformed.
*Originally posted at PTSDawayout.wordpress.com
An amazing post Elisabeth, your courage and resilence is amazing. I had very poor impressions of meditations at first also. I was always told to “tough it out.” When I told many of my friends and family members I was practicing mindful meditations to cope with some of the demons in my past, I was looked down upon.
Like you, I have felt a world of difference since practicing my meditations. The feeling you get when your brain finally reconnects with your body is hard to put into words, but I can definitely feel growth of the soul and feel more concious during the present.
Thank you for sharing your story so others can benefit from the struggles you’ve had.
Thank you so much Josh. I look forward to reading your thoughts on mindfulness also.
Thank you for the compliment.
From one very willful person to another, it is nice to share the road together on our journey.
Marty
🙂
This posts has legs, keeps drawing viewers to my blog. You have touched people with this sharing of you.
Giving will help heal you and sharing like this to others is excellent.
Thanks Marty. Views have been very high for the past three days because I wrote an article for Scary Mommy. It is probably those new readers looking at what I have written. I do think the topic is a good one. I am so glad to be able to help in this way.
This lands heavily.
Departing from dissociation is a struggle. When I enter the “now,” I feel the pain in my body and am overwhelmed by the urge to self-harm.
Staying in dissociation is a struggle. When I repress, it comes with the sensation to not eat…and so I don’t. It’s been about a year since I’ve eaten properly. A good day = ~500 calories. A bad day = none.
I’ve tried to get under the pain many times, but I’m so blocked. Focusing on affirmations just puts it aside. I do incorporate some into my routine to keep some green space, but can’t just set it all aside with them.
It’s all peaking now. As I gain greater awareness, I see fear playing a large role. Its role is both an echo of the past (how that lingers in the brain and body) and also a fear of how much hurt there is to acknowledge, to not live in denial and repression. To continue sleeping instead of awakening.
xo
I know the fear, that we won’t survive the pain, that it will swallow us whole, that we won’t ever come out of it. But the reality is different. It doesn’t last forever and we do come out of it. We have to remember that the emotions are not about right now and keep our thoughts from making it something it isn’t. Then, they won’t swallow us up. I have learned that the pain of defending against them is far worse than the emotions themselves. And I know the affects of dissociation that you talk about. Try to eat though. You are worth the food.
I hear you, I know what you’re saying is true. I just need to trust it.
Trust that I can let go and be there without these old ways of being safe.
Trust that I can let go and that the part of me that thinks I’m so bad, garbage, unworthy of anything can be here and express itself.
Trust that when I let go, I won’t be annihilated by that part of me that is harsh, demanding and unloving. That part which is a projection of someone else’s hate.
Trust that when I find the courage to speak my fears, love, kindness and acceptance will be mirrored back instead. And fir the first time ever, they will not be conditional.
It could not be said more beautifully and authentically than that. I can tell you will do this. I look forward to hearing about your healing as you let go. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey.
Can’t believe it
I just finished the Power of Now… How the universe just showed me this article out of nowhere. where It allowed me to finally learn to understand the whole pain body within past trauma. (Victim mentality) subconsciously..Dissociation and rumination of the mind..keeping my self stuck with subconsciously recreating more Traumatic situations..Only beginning to even for a few minutes be Present in the Now..I know it takes time to work within the Painbody,but this article is universal..God bless you Elizabeth ❤️🙏❤️