Many coaches, therapists and helpers are talking about trauma healing these days. Trauma is getting attention, and I am happy to see it. We need to focus on trauma. It makes me feel validated and supported to see people all over the world embracing the need to address childhood trauma and change our patterns. There are many options to heal trauma too. I’m glad there are approaches for everyone. I love seeing healing focused on the body, behavior, mind and emotions. There’s an option which speaks to almost every perspective and phase of recovery. That said, I see a deep need for more focus on our memories. Despite the plethoric trauma discussions in many communities, memories have yet to get a seat at the table.
The need for memory healing is often overlooked by trauma helpers because it is scary. It isn’t just scary for the person who is seeking help. It is scary for the helpers too. For the past several decades, there has been an orchestrated attack on traumatic memories and the dissociation that hides them. This attack was led by an organization which was founded by perpetrators of childhood violence, but the lies which came from this organization were perpetuated by the predators within traumatic families, and even to some extent, the government. Abusers did not want the understanding of trauma and dissociation to make it to the mainstream. They were counting on those memories being buried in the unconscious minds of their victims forever.
They attacked therapists who were actively helping their clients retrieve memories. They threatened their victims not to remember their trauma. They blocked education around dissociation. They worked hard to discredit memories with dangerous and faulty propaganda about how memories are stored and recovered. To this day, the imminent threat of a defamation suit is active in the minds of many trauma survivors as they try to tell their stories. Now, therapists are scared of losing their license, trauma survivors are scared of being legally attacked or discredited, and dissociation still sits on the fringes of mental health discussions like some kind of outcasted cousin we don’t want to discuss. The predators have done their job well, but it’s time to move past these silencing tactics and heal our trauma in deeper ways. These memories hold the key to many changes we need to make as a society. I will explain in steps why these memories matter so much.
1. There is a high likelihood you don’t remember something. I know that might sound presumptuous, but it also makes sense. We live in a world which is not supportive of the mental health of human beings. I am not suggesting that everyone has thousands of repressed memories like I did, but I am saying that most of us have had at least one acutely traumatic experience we don’t remember in its entirety. Memory repression is a key factor associated with dissociation, and dissociation is the most common trauma response to a lack of safety. We have all felt unsafe at one point or another.
2. There is a high likelihood you are desperately blocking whatever you don’t remember. Whatever traumatic situation happened to you would have felt very scary. This is why you deployed a dissociative strategy to get through it. This means you have not addressed the full impact this memory had on you. You might have made a deal with yourself to avoid looking at it. In the case of relational trauma, you might have made a deal with another person to mentally block the truth in support of your relationship. Either way, your inner defenders are very motivated to avoid the memory. In fact, they might be terrified of the memory.
3. There are emotions tied to your memories. To fully understand and process a memory, there will be emotional healing. These emotions provide important context about the impact from the memory. This emotional work is the primary fear of the controller. They will fight hard against bringing the emotions out of the unconscious, but if we don’t feel these emotions, we can never heal the trauma. If the emotions and memories hide in the unconscious away from our conscious understanding, our lives will keep reflecting our past in retraumatizing ways.
4. These memories are driving your most frustrating life patterns. When memories are understood through memory recovery and emotional processing, our beliefs can shift. Many of our traumatic beliefs are driven by the fear and disempowerment the memories are fueling. As we heal from these memories, we can see the memories as reflective of the abusive people in our past or a difficult traumatic event that doesn’t have to be repeated. We can make changes that stop the repetition of traumatic life patterns.
5. The intense fear makes it very hard to get to the memories in the unconscious. I work with my clients to teach them how to write from the inner parts and access the memories. One of the best approaches to memory recovery is using emotions about current patterns as a gateway to past memories. What are these patterns? You might erase yourself in relationships leading you to resent others. You might be repeatedly abandoned by others or feel outcasted. You might find yourself struggling to move forward on your authentic path. You might be baited and shamed for your emotions. Or you might find yourself always betrayed by people around you. These patterns will bring up deep pain depending on how we originally experienced them in childhood and how often they have repeated. This pain is our gateway.
Memory recovery requires courage. It goes against all the brainwashing of a society which is still protecting perpetrators within its major systems. However, I truly believe that traumatic memories hold the answer to our freedom and safety. We can find ways to protect ourselves even while living in a not-so-safe society. We can move out the dissociation our abusers were counting on and establish freedom from further attacks. We can stop ourselves from making decisions that might put us in harm’s way. It eliminates blind spots so we can fully understand how our abusers are not safe people. Take the journey to remember. You will be shocked at how much you heal as the emotional burden of the memories is lifted.
*Note about legal pursuits: Memory recovery is not primarily about bringing our perpetrators to justice. It is about our own healing. However, it is also a major factor in any kind of justice you might decide to pursue. If there is evidence to be found, it is likely entwined in your repressed memories.
