I’ve had some good things happening in my life lately. I’ve been taking some big chances and it’s been working out. That sounds nice, doesn’t it? I agree it sounds nice. But I’ll be honest. My system is in chaos. My anxiety has been unusually high. I haven’t been sleeping well. My thoughts are racing. I am stressed out. I am more stressed out than when things are going wrong. It doesn’t make sense. But at the same time, it makes all the sense in the world. For my inner parts, it isn’t normal for things to go well. So when things start to look good, my inner parts come out expecting the absolute worst. When I get excited or happy, some inner parts become terrified. It would be easy to invalidate them about this. It would be easy to think that I am being crazy. But when I look at my past, this response is completely reasonable. So instead of arguing with myself, I need to give myself the compassion I have always deserved. I need to acknowledge the history creating this reaction. What are my parts saying?
It’s a setup. It seems good, but it is going to be bad. This was the story of my childhood in many ways. I was lured into many dangerous situations under the pretense that something good was happening. This was one of my mother’s favorite tricks. After a while, she knew I didn’t trust her, so she would use others. She would make my friends and boyfriends lure me into bad situations. Maybe they knew they were doing something mean. Maybe they didn’t. But it made it impossible for me to trust anyone. I never knew if they were “working” for my mother. The flying monkeys were everywhere. So nobody and no experience was safe. Not surprisingly, I isolated more and more as I got older. But there was still that desire for connection. And it never failed to get me in trouble. Now when I connect with even the most random person, I can sense that mistrust coming in. Are they working for her? Are they going to try to harm me? Are they setting me up? I know it sounds like paranoia (and it is), but it is based on valid reasons from an extremely traumatic past. It is not to be discounted.
It will never work out. Something will go wrong as soon as I get excited about it. The messages were clear in childhood. I was not allowed to have what I wanted. If I was too happy, something would be done to reduce my happiness. Joy was dangerous because it might bring confidence or hope. Those things were not allowed in my family. I had to be oppressed at all costs. My mother put so much effort into thwarting the things I loved, it was mind-boggling. How could one person use so much energy to destroy another? I often wonder how much good she could have done in the world if she had focused all her energy on something positive. But she didn’t. So my parts are always waiting for the inevitable destruction of my happiness. They see it as an absolute given. NOTHING good will ever last. In the end, I’ll get excited only to be decimated by something awful. I am NEVER supposed to get my hopes up. This makes embracing great things incredibly difficult. But it is clear why I feel that way.
I am fooling everyone. My mother was devoted to ensuring I internalized all the shame and self-blame when bad things happened to me. I learned that bad things happened to me and others because I was a problem. I was cursed. I was wrong. I was bad. I was evil. I was a witch. I should have never been born. I was an imposter. I needed to hide my true self. My innate characteristics were everything the world despised. I had to shrink, hide, avoid others and never let anyone know enough find out the truth. If I get too involved in something I love, if I connect with people too much, they will figure out how bad I really am. And then, I will lose it all. Everything I love will be lost. They will take it from me because I am undeserving of all that is good. So I must avoid connection with people who could figure out who I really am. That means I must avoid connection with people. And while it is completely unrealistic, it is completely understandable that my inner parts would feel this way.
Indeed, there is a setup. In my childhood, I was set up to believe these things. And there was no way I could have avoided these beliefs. My life was orchestrated to lead me to them. But that doesn’t mean I have to live with this pattern for good. I can recognize these beliefs. I can hear them out. I can feel the terror underneath the surface. And I can continue to make choices to change those patterns. I can choose to ground into another truth that empowers me. I can consider how things could be different. I can help my parts heal and see the world in a new way. Will this happen overnight? No. It is quite a process. But when I stick with it, I have seen it work. I have seen it change. The patterns do shift, but it won’t happen if I don’t believe myself. I have to listen to the terror to find my happiness.
Dear Elisabeth. I resonate strongly with much of your experience. Just recently after decades of therapeutic commitment, explorations, training and education I got clear really clear. I never was “a bad kid”, there never was anything inherently wrong with me!” I internalized the toxic messages from parents other care-givers and my identity became shame/fear based. I have recently been liberated by 6 words a former care giver expressed to me recently decades after our original connection, “Laura, you were a good kid.” I only wish I heard those freeing words decades ago. This dear women accepted and truly cared for me, she appreciated my essence as a young child and liked me for who I was. She was always kind and respectful of me. I chose to believe her and guess what the tyranny of the history and weight of self-imposed shame, rejection, hatred, fears etc., and the false identity I internalized my whole life was transformed. I also, learned that the heavy weightedness, I can carry internally in my solar plexus and heart, the confusion, foggy mind, limitations on and on, are not my identity, but only symptoms of the ongoing neglect and abuse I endured in my formative years and beyond. So now I Imagine the internal symptoms being transformed by being intentional about planting wonderful colourful flowers, shrubs, trees etc., in our heart. I ask my younger parts what their choices are (which they are so happy to do ) and what beautiful wonderful qualities and characteristics they want to nurture and cultivate inside. I now have so much hope that new life can and is growing to replace the former darkness and limitations.
Thank you Elisabeth for the hope your blog offers I celebrate you and all of us here. I celebrate your many accomplishments also. You have achieved so much in your life and I believe you will only continue to beautifully stretch, grow and accomplish ongoing good in both in your life the lives of countless others. You are unstoppable!!
Wow. Man, this took the words right out of my mouth. Just today, as a matter of fact, my mom wants to move in with my niece. Reason, she is going to get the vaccine and if she falls ill, I do not want to see it. So I set a boundary and said you can do whatever you want but I am choosing not to be traumatized by having to care for you if you should get sick. You see, my history, I’ve watched 4 out of 5 family members die a slow sick death. I slowly witnessed their bodies deteriorate right in front of my eyes. And all of these deaths happen in a short amount of time from 2003 to 2011. I was devastated. We all were. Now my narcosstic mom wants to me to be her caregiver just in case and mentally, I just cannot do it. I’ve never put my needs first. So when I arrived home from work, she was crying in her room saying she didn’t want to leave me alone (my wife recently left me because of the boundaries I set for myself with her). I know my mom is just using that as an excuse because she’s afraid. You see, I’ve always been her problem solver, her rescuer. And well, I’m not anymore, I’m not that person and she’s freaking out. And so am I. I have never set a limit for myself or boundary for others, especially with her selfish needs. I’m terrified to find my peace now. My excuses to remain in my misery are running out. I’m facing the fear of being happy. As soon as I saw my mom crying my neck got a crick in it. I painted on the rescue the day face and carried on and said you don’t have to worry about me mom, I’m fine and you will be too. I’m sure she has talked all kinds of crap about me and my fears to my family. That’s hurtful but I’m moving forward.
Thank you for this validating blog. Thank you for recognizing every little piece I’m experiencing right now. Thank you for holding my hand through these words. Thank you for allowing me and giving me a safe place to express my fears. Thank you Jesus for these words here today. I’m going through a separation soon to be divorced. My mom’s moving out. Happiness comes as a big monster. I was never allowed to enjoy myself and my likes and desires. I was ridiculed, shamed, blamed, sentenced to hell by my mom and born into a whirlwind of fear based dysfunctionality. My family childhood life was pure terror. Not physically abused but mentally, emotionally. I witnessed violence and then was told to shut up about it and we don’t discuss things outside the family. I was told to cover up the drugs. I was taught to believe the lies. I was taught how to lie. I was given the responsibility to make excuses for the drug addicts in my family and alcoholics. I had to prepare funerals and pick out urns and caskets while the rest of thr family stayed safely behind to mourn. I was arguing with funeral directors for poor service. My mom hiding behind me in tow. I was the youngest out of 7 siblings. 4 older brothers 2 older sisters and I was pushed to the forefront to handle death times 5. What the hell was my mom thinking. And still she makes it seem like I’m crazy for not wanting to be around this vaccine possible reaction. I don’t want to chance it anymore. I don’t want to rescue anymore. I want to be rescued. I’m tired Lord, I’m worn out. Carry me, I surrender to you. Guide me, thank you for my friends in this group. I don’t use that term friend too much but this is my safe haven, God sent. This is a place where I can hang my head and let the tears flow. Here is where the inner child who was shunned can express herself freely. Here is where I can spread my wings and realize, it wasn’t me. I’m not the crazy one, I was gas lighted, manipulated and judged. I was programmed to fit the needs of others or else I was considered a failure. I was born to fail. But not anymore, I say this as my neck aches, I am moving forward. I say this as I hear my mom talking to my brother on the phone in the next room. I love her, my guilt talking of course but my boundary is set. I announced to her don’t try to make me feel guilty. I have to do what’s healthy for me. The family is freaking out on me. That’s ok, welcome to my world. Carry a load for me. God bless you. Thank you
Thank you so much! I am so glad you have found your way out of the shame which never belonged to you.
I love this AND the part where you ask your parts, what do you want, what do yo want to see grow here? Thanks for sharing ❤️
Thank you Elizabeth, you are inspiring!
It is sad that so many of us have had a similar experience but also comforting to know that we can come together and share our resonance in a safe space.
I can relate on so many levels. My little inner child is terrified of happiness. She would always anticipate the worse case scenerio in every situation because that way she could be ‘safe’. It was not safe to experience happiness because my mother would make it her mission to ensure that she destroyed whatever it was that made me smile. She could not have me experience happiness when it was not a possibility for her.
Literally, she would say “Come here and I will wipe that smile off your face.” You can see why happiness would be scary for my inner parts. Completely understandable.
I cry for all the little children that have had their joy stolen from them at such an early age. I also grieve for my little one too.
No wonder many our inner parts are still ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’. 🙁
Thank you Wendy! I am sending love to that little inner child who had to hide her happiness to stay safe.
I shared earlier. Not shortly after my mom threw a bombshell at me. She knows me and my soon to be ex wife are going through a divorce.
She stays in contact with her. That’s her right.
I’ve shared with my wife how terrified I am of the vaccine (illness anxiety) because of my dysfunctional family history. I’ve seen remnants of drug needles thrown on the floor. I’ve seen the markings on my siblings from shooting up. I’m terrified of needles because of the history they hold for me. I explained all of this to my wife. It was understood that we were just going to play it safe and not get the vaccine. I told my wife you can get it if you want but I don’t want to be around you if you get sick because of my fear. So I found out today my wife and mother knew all along she got the shot (my wife did). Her and my mom knew about it this whole time but I didn’t. I guess it was a good lie. My wife didn’t get sick and now she’s vaccinated. I wish I were that brave.
But here’s the kicker. My mom, who I have recently set a boundary with on if she gets the vaccine she’ll have to go live elsewhere because I don’t want to take the chance of having to care for her in case she gets sick. My past experience trauma. So I know mom is harboring some hurt feelings toward me because I have never had a voice against her or stood up to her and set my boundaries. Today I did. And she came for me. I was relaxing in my room. Her room is right next door to mine. So she calls me and says something has been on my mind and you need to promise you won’t say anything. Everyone knows my mom is the gossip queen and can’t hold a secret. I told I bet you say that to everyone else when you tell my business to them. She denied of course and I said ok tell me. She said your wife got the vaccine a long time ago. My wife lied to me. Now, when mom told me this, I couldn’t swallow for a minute, it was as if someone had kicked me in the throat and I choked on tears that were bursting to come out. I felt like someone was pushing me underwater and I couldn’t come up for air. She said it’s been bugging me and I just had to tell you. But that isn’t what I heard from her. What I heard from her is you hurt me with your boundaries today so I’m going to hurt you. I could barely say ok I gotta go. I laid there numb for a moment. Then what was a solemn somber mood my mom was displaying earlier suddenly I could hear her laughing at tv programs and having cheerful conversations on the phone. And there I was drowning by her words.
Yes, I felt hurt by my wife’s actions and the fact that she lied to me and disregarded my fears to this vaccine. Then in my head I’m saying I deserved it. But this is why we’re getting divorced. We’re not healthy for each other. But here is what really threw me last night when mom chose to tell me this, her intention behind the news. Her intention was to hurt me. Hurt me, her youngest daughter who had given up her life to care for her. She has always disregarded me. She did the same thing to my older sister (now deceased). My sister used to work at a government facility. She had 5 kids. My sister was divorced from an abusive marriage. When my mom would get tired of babysitting for my sister, she would talk about her to all of us siblings. She would get us all fired up and turn us against her (we were young and impressionable and if you dared to disagree with mom you had hell to pay) and so one time my brother went to my sister’s job and in her public office began yelling at her. She was humiliated He yelled for her to get home to the kids and that mom was tired. My mom chose to babysit. My sister had babysitters but mom chose to babysit. She wanted to protect the grand kids. Can you imagine my sister and how she felt. The humiliation. And when all was over, there was my mom, sitting in a quiet corner, claiming innocence and victim. She said I don’t know why he went to her job and did that. I saw all of that. I was listening to my mom’s manipulation. Sad. This has been her behavior all along. One time, she sent me and my sister to go confront these women (parents) who were picking on my nieces at the bus stop. She sent me and my sister to go confront these grown women. We were young ourselves. Can you imagine if the cops would’ve come. There would’ve been my mom hiding in the corner playing innocent. Nothing came out of that event but just the thought to send your kids out there. What if those women would’ve killed one of us or shot us or something, damn.
This is what I’m talking about. The true intentions of what my mother told me yesterday was to hurt me because I hurt her. Because I want to be happy. And she thinks I owe her my life.
So I left the house for a little while last night and went and parked outside my church. There is a statue of the Virgin Mary and I prayed my rosary and cried to my Lord. I was so hollow inside. No so much that my wife lied but that my mom chose to hurt me. Thank you Jesus for loving me unconditionally.
I am so sorry your mother chooses to hurt you with her words. I really am. Love to you Regina.
The first person to share above mentioned a time when a former care giver – not parent – expressed that they had been a good kid. That reminded me of something similar that happened many years ago. When I was in my early twenties, I had a positive comment from a caregiver about how I was as a child, shortly followed by a negative comment from my mom. I had spent much of my growing up years around an aunt – who wasn’t really related but it was like she was. I wanted her to be related. It was a good situation. Aunt J said to me one day when I was visiting after I was a young adult, that I had been one of the best kids there (at her house). She had taken care of a lot of kids – some kids of friends who worked and some foster kids – so that meant a lot coming from her. It also meant a lot because she was a nurturing type of person. Shortly after Aunt J said that I had been a good kid, my mom stated that I had always been a difficult child. I was the only child my mom ever took care of and she defiantly was anything but nurturing. I actually pointed these facts out to my mom then. She acted like she was a little shocked, but she also respected Aunt J, so she didn’t disagree. If she hadn’t agreed she would have stared one of her long arguments (very long arguments), but she didn’t argue at that time. It isn’t a good situation when a kid has to defend their reputation to a parent. The parent should be building up their child, not tearing them down. She was very negative that way but always said I was the negative one even if I really hadn’t said anything. It seemed like if she had a negative emotion or reaction to someone she would push it on to me so I would be the negative one. Often, when I was young, I believed it. When I got a little older, I did speak up. It was confusing growing up like that. She has passed away now and that was many years ago, but when I read that positive comment from the kind, nurturing caregiver in the comment above, it all came back to me.
It is very normal for abusive parents to make us seem like the problem. They want to shift all the blame away from themselves. I am sorry you had to defend yourself with your own mother.
Mom makes it seem like I’m the crazy dysfunctional one but she gaslights. She portrays herself as having it altogether. She says what’s wrong with you, you’re not yourself, who are you, you’re losing too much weight, are you ok? Well, let me see, my narcissistic mom who raised me to believe I’m shameful, to blame, rejected, guilted, lives with me now in my house constantly retraumatizing me. I’m an adult now and I have a voice now and I call you out. Manipulation at its finest, still. Her tone, her presence, always in my face. I set my boundaries, I alarm you because I say no and I have a voice now. You can’t intimidate me even though you still do but I still have a voice now. You’re manipulative ways can’t rule over me. I’m calling you out and you’re running for cover. Your guilt tactics don’t work on me anymore so you call me crazy because I don’t let you manipulate me anymore. I have a voice. You’re exhausting mom. You have drained the life out of me. You told me I owe you my life. Why, because you chose to have a mistake, me. What was it that I did so wrong to be born into this world. You condemned me from day one. You held me in contempt for being me. Everything about me was wrong in your judging eyes. You loved me conditionally. If only I served your needs, meet your needs. That was good enough to be accepted by the woman who birthed me. I see that disapproving look in your eyes. I see that disappointment, but I know, it’s only a reflection of your own pain of rejection for yourself as a child. I know you went through hell in your own life. You made sure I had that hell too. I forgive you mom, I hope you forgive me toi and I love you. Forgive me Lord.
Thank you for your writing Regina. I can tell you are doing some amazing processing and taking your power back.