When we are born into an abusive family, we are born into a war we didn’t know we were fighting. We also don’t know how to fight it. We were never given the weapons to fight this war. But the attacks on us start the minute we are born. I am not suggesting we are physically, emotionally or sexually abused the moment we are born (although some are). But the manipulation begins. That manipulation is often the most insidious part of the abuse we are enduring. It is meant to teach us and others that we are not good enough. And while the tactics can be extremely diverse, the goal is to squash any chance to be a credible voice against what we are enduring.
But the problem is its stealthy nature. We don’t know what is happening to us because they are building our mind as we grow. They are creating the pathways and they can make them what they want. They are setting up our brains to work exactly how they need them to work. Once this is accomplished, we will respond to their abuse in the way they expect. And this will elicit the response from others based on our actions in front of them. This is the plan. And we don’t stand a chance against it. The battles of childhood are not going to work in our favor. This is why we have to work toward changing these pathways once we reach adulthood. But it’s a minefield of old programming. The only way to undo what they did is building awareness of what they created. So here are some examples of how abusive families will attack our credibility from the inside out.
Baiting. As the abuse in our family escalates, the anger within will build. This is natural and normal when we are experiencing abuse of any kind. But our family will tell us that our response is not okay. They will tell us our emotional expression is a sign that we are crazy or insane. They will tell us it means something is wrong with us. To be sure that our programming is complete, they will do what it takes to bait us. They will find ways to trigger the anger they have built in us. And when others are around, they will use those triggers to create an emotional response while they play the victim. And the “others” will be specially chosen. They will be people who are most likely to believe the parents. They will confirm the difficult situation of the poor parents and put all the responsibility on the child. “The poor parents have a crazy child. It’s such a shame.” A battle is lost.
Provoking Battles with Others. In an abusive family, relationships with others outside the immediate circle are a cause for concern. Others are seen as a threat and most relationships will be thwarted in one way or another. But some families like to “kill two birds with one stone”. They will work to destroy the relationship by making us look like the crazy person. They will search for ways to create battles in the relationship by feigning interest long enough to gather information. And they will work hard to drive a wedge by creating drama that leaves the others questioning our sanity. This could be baiting. This could be lies and hearsay used against one side or the other. But it is often done under the surface in a way that makes it hard to track it back to the abusers. And another battle is lost.
Blaming. Blaming almost always starts on a one-on-one basis and builds from there. The adult’s abusive actions are almost always blamed on the victim. And it begins the process of self-blame for almost anything. Over time, this can become a highly public process, creating a scapegoat for any of the family’s hardships. “We would have never had to do this if it hadn’t been for our difficult child.” “Our lives are so much harder because of the way this child behaves.” “Our angry child creates so many problems for us.” The reputation of the child continues to plummet with each scapegoating story. And another battle is lost.
These might seem incredibly sneaky. You might be thinking these are not possible for the average person. Abusers would have to be highly intelligent to pull off these tactics. But it’s not the truth. These tactics don’t live in the conscious mind. Abusers are not sitting around the dining room table every night coming up with the next scheme (although some might). These tactics are happening from an unconscious place. The inner parts are repeating the exact tactics used against them with different players. This is generational trauma at its core. There is very little cognitive intelligence required. It usually doesn’t happen from that place. But now we can unravel the unconscious web created in our minds. We can find the mines and excavate them. We do not have to live with the effects of these abusive tactics forever. The battles are over. We can win the war.
Come join me in Survivor’s Guide for Life in August as we discuss how to recognize abusive patterns and stop the impact on our adult lives.
Damn! I cringe reading my life here. If I would’ve known then what I know now. Pisses me off. What gets me is this crap is still being used on me because she still lives with me!
Thanks Elizabeth for the validation.
Thank you Regina. The more you are aware, the less she can effectively use it against you. Keep doing great work.
A year later, mom still living with me but she can’t get away with lying, manipulating, bullying because I call her out. Today she tried to tell me you better watch your tone I’m still your mother. I said really, I said you tell me this as I’m driving you to your eye doctor. I’ve been the parent. I’ve been carrying your narcissistic self my whole life and you want me to watch what I say. You want me to remember to respect the mother who condemned me to hell. For 40 years I’ve been living condemned. Thank God for God. I’m angry because I had to take her tipp her Dr.’s appt. again, carrying her, manipulation, guilting tactics, mentioning other family members who are better than me because they bring her food. But she doesn’t want to bother them because they are tired, they work hard and there I am listening, as I gather myself from exhaustion from healing from the childhood trauma she created. But no she doesn’t recognize my part oh wait, she does she just doesn’t care because just as long as I can function for her selfish needs. Forgive me Lord. Thank you Elizabeth. Thank you Jesus
I’d like to learn more about baiting, provoking battles with others, and blaming. I read this when you first published it and returned today to read it. I am surprised to see that there was only one comment. I think that this subject- how we perpetuate the generational trauma- is extremely difficult to put under the microscope. In reading it I could think of MANY examples from my experiences with my family of origin, but I could also think of examples of how I perpetuate generational trauma with my own children. When the examples of how I do this with my children came to mind it took my breath away. It really hurts to name that in myself and it’s the path to ending the cycle of trauma. I can give an example of baiting. Yesterday morning I woke up early to bike. As I was readying myself to leave my oldest woke up and wanted to come along. Instantly, I knew that I did not want to take him, but I said ok, come along. He came and he complained, ran into me with his bicycle several times, went the wrong way on the track, etc. I grew angrier and angrier until I yelled at him to get off the bike. We went back to the car and left. I felt full of rage. I yelled at him for “being rude,” I yelled at him that it was his fault that we left, I yelled at him and told him that he should feel sorry for the way that he behaved. I yelled and yelled. He cried. I should not have had him along. I didn’t want to bring him and he would have been fine at home with his dad. And when I wrote about it afterwards a memory about biking and verbal and sexual abuse from my own childhood came through.
Baiting is so elusive to our conscious awareness. It is one of the most sneaky strategies used against ourselves or others. We are going to be talking about it more during this month in Survivor’s Guide about recognizing abusive patterns. When we bait others, we are trying to recreate our childhood patterns and blame the other person for the behavior we tried to instigate. When we are baited, we become the target of someone who wants everything to be our fault.
I have an example (I think) of baiting that my mother continuously used on me. In fact, I blocked most of the instances of her baiting me as a child (repressed the memories) but I do recall one from when I was a young adult.
Her behaviour continued on into my adulthood, I now realize because I had no boundaries with her. However, it is good that her behaviour did continue, to some degree because I had repressed all my childhood memories. As I started to become aware and ‘do the work’, I started to see the patterns which were continuing into adulthood.
My mother would ask me a question about a topic under the premise of asking my opinion. I would respond with an answer to the best of my ability with the knowledge I had (and in many instances with research as I became aware of her ‘setups’). She would then proceed to discredit and disprove my response rather than using it to assist in her decision making. It was only later that I realized that she was only looking to discredit me and prove me wrong. She NEEDED for someone to be wrong.
She also knew that by discrediting me and attempting to prove me wrong, that she would trigger anger in me. She would wait until she had the ‘appropriate audience’ which was usually my ‘golden child’ brother and his wife and then she would bring the topic up. She would then proceed with discrediting me in front of them knowing it would trigger my anger. I would then react in anger and she would then give them that knowing look and response of “see, look how crazy she is!”. “do you see how difficult she is to deal with!?!”.
Even thinking about it makes me furious!!!
Yes! This is a perfect example of what they do. I am so sorry you experienced that. It is infuriating.
My father was the abuser in the family. Sexually, physically, mentally, he was a master manipulator. He was illiterate, so he liked to make everyone stupid. I left home at sixteen after a physical fight with my father where I tried my best to break his wagging finger in my face. He beat my brother because the clothes line fell down. It fell down before wasn’t the first time. The sheets were heavy and it fell down. My poor brother tried his best to put it back up. Father came home and just blamed brother for everything, told him he was stupid. He always liked to start with that and then he punched him a few times. He wasn’t a big boy so of course I jumped up and told Father to leave him alone it wasn’t even his fault. My father threatened me and shook his dam finger in my face like usual and said “When I’m talking to the other children, you shut your mouth!” I said “Fuck You!” grabbed his finger and tried to break it. We ended up rolling on the floor fighting, him saying to get out of his house and never come back and me saying you bet I am. My Mother crying in the background the whole time trying to get us to stop. I love my Mother but she was a coward who would never stand up to our Father because he wouldn’t take it out on just her, he would take it out on us children. She would ask me to “behave” so that dear old Dad would not get mad and hit her or someone else. He didn’t have to hit you to get to you. Leaving home was the best thing I ever did.
Wow! I am glad you got out of there. And I am sorry you went through so much abuse.
“…we have to work toward changing these pathways once we reach adulthood. But it’s a minefield of old programming.”
Absolutely true. And I think that lately I’ve tripped mines that send me into emotional flashbacks. I hate those. Visual flashbacks are tough, too,but are obvious. I can be in a full emotional flashback for hours or even a day or so before I realize it.
You are not alone. Actually, noticing emotional flashbacks in hours or a day is great awareness. Keep up the amazing work!
Thank you Elisabeth!
I’ve never read anything that explained what happened to me so clearly before! Wow! I’ll be bringing this to therapy with me next week!
I’m so glad this helped Deb.