I’ve always had this wish to have that circle of friends. You know that amazing group of friends we see in all the movies and commercials where they eat together, vacation together and are unconditionally supportive of each other even when they make mistakes. I’ll be honest. I am not entirely sure this kind of friend circle is entirely possible based on the current evolution of humanity, but maybe that’s my trauma talking. I can say that it doesn’t seem to be possible for me. I am a bad friend. I don’t know how to navigate a relationship unless the rules are very clearly defined. And let’s be real, they never are.
Relationships bring up the most struggle from my inner parts because relationships are where my trauma happened. So up until now, I have had to keep my desire for that circle of friends as a pipe dream. I have had to give myself distance from people so I can watch my reaction to them and help my parts heal. When my relational patterns have inevitably shown up, I have had to process in isolation so I can keep building my relational skills. Through all my processing, I have learned some of the reasons I am a bad friend. I am not saying that to be hard on myself. It’s not my fault I was plagued with so many relational challenges. But I have learned that honesty about my struggles is my best way to healing.
My controller is controlling. This is not surprising. It doesn’t mean I am always controlling the other person. But it means I am always trying to control the situation. Everyone and everything has to follow rules. If someone wants to spend time with me, I have to schedule them in. I have to figure out how to have time for a person while doing all my other tasks. And I’ll be honest, my controller doesn’t prioritize friendship high on the list of things to get done. Having friends is not life or death. There is no goal to be reached. So they see it as something to do when everything else is done. And everything else is never done. My controller is also trying to figure out where everyone stands. What is my role in this friendship? What is expected of me? Who has the power position here? In friendship, the rules aren’t clear. And if it gets too unclear, the controller wants to move on.
My isolator is distancing. The isolator doesn’t trust. That’s understandable. But it can make vulnerability very challenging. Why should I open up to someone who is just going to leave? Why would I make time for someone who just wants something from me? The isolator sees everyone as a potential threat to my ability to stay authentic and true to self. So distance is best. The more suggestions another person has, the more the isolator will distance. They see “arm’s length” as the best option for relating to others, and they will do whatever it takes to keep people there.
My love seeker is blocked. I do have a part(s) who wants connection. As a matter of a fact, they are screaming for it. They are desperate for it. But they’re blocked. And they aren’t just blocked by one part. They are blocked by almost all the other parts for different reasons. The vulnerability and closeness the love seeker seeks is not acceptable. And the patterns they tend to recreate are not safe. So they get blocked. But when they do get out, they come on strong for a short time, creating confusion for someone who may be used to (and comfortable with) my standoffish tendencies.
My inner rebel is defying. As a freedom fighter, my inner rebel wants to make sure there are no attempts to get in the way of my freedom. If someone is interested in telling me what I should do next, you can bet I won’t be doing it, even if it is a great idea. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to disagree and be open about it. Conflict is fine in friendships. But my inner rebel won’t be so obvious. I might even say that’s a great idea. But when I am on my own, I will never be able to make it happen. There will be a force of monumental proportions stopping me from my attempts to take steps in that direction, even when I am completely on board with it. And that can leave others completely baffled.
My karma kid is preparing. My karma kid knows what the family contracts say. If I am breaking them (and I am), the people close to me will suffer. They will be harmed by my family. So I either have to have secret relationships with others (which is impossible) or I have to stay on my own to avoid anyone else being hurt by my horrible family members. My karma kid knows better than to drag any innocent people into the mess that is my life. I must sacrifice my desire for connection to keep everyone else out of trouble. And unfortunately, the more I like another person, the more this applies. My family was NEVER okay with anyone or anything I really liked.
I will keep working with my inner parts and their survival skills. I will keep trying my best to unravel the relational struggles that seem inherent in those of us with complex trauma. I will slow things down so I can see what is happening with my inner parts. And hopefully, I will build an inner understanding of what friendship is supposed to be. In the process, I will do my best not to be so hard on myself for struggling to figure this out. It isn’t my fault I am a bad friend. But I’ll work to fix it because I deserve my circle of friends.
I would say you “would do better if you could. If you knew how.” You’re not a “bad” friend, you’re a person in process and learning all the nuances of being a friend; all the rules and messages, takes an incredible amount of work. Most of this work would have occurred naturally in your childhood but of course your childhood was horrific so you didn’t get what was needed. I actually think you’re a great friend and the primary reason I think so is that you are a very empathetic, sensitive, and wise person. You know what it is to be betrayed and can weep with those who weep. You’re not bad, you’re inexperienced. You’ve made the decision to not allow your trauma to define you. It’s a difficult journey, especially when our brains are less “plastic.”
Thank you Kris. Inexperienced is a great word for it.
As usual you have witten a good, honest assessment of the problem. Thanks for sharing because even though my stumbling blocks are similar but different in ways, you help me identify my own issues. I’m like you in that I have figured out some problems and know where they started. I’m also trying to connect better with others. I understand that wish for the group of friends. I had that for a short time with a church group that I was with in the ’80s. Problem is that when many got married from that group, they went their separate ways. I stayed friends with a couple of them, but our lives took different turns. Now it seems like I have a friend here, there, or somewhere else. No one is connected. A few of the friends have had over the years haven’t been wise. However, I did learn some things from those people. I know that because of childhood predicaments, I have attachment problems that hinder relationships. I tend to observe life rather than getting right in. I’m still working on how to solve that.
Thank you Diane. It does take a lot of self-awareness to figure out what we are doing in relationship and life. We do learn from others in relationship and from ourselves in isolation. And it helps.
I never really understood why I didn’t have friends. Reading this, it makes me wonder what kind of friend am I? I don’t like to get close to people at all, not even the ones I’m supposed to care about. I isolate, I don’t want to engage. I’m even mean sometimes to people I love to get them away from me. I feel bad that they are hurt but I feel good that they are away from me. I wish to be alone. I want to be a hermit. My life has always had too many people in it. I can’t get rid of them, they are my children, my grandkids, my husband, my Mother, my siblings & former co-workers. I’ve never been truly happy and I think I won’t recognize it if it ever does happen. I spend most of my time warding off depression even when I have nothing to be depressed about. I don’t want other people to think i’m so negative so I stay away from them.
I understand that. I have been a hermit too. And there has definitely been this feeling of not wanting to be known in certain ways. You are not alone in your desire to be alone.
Great blog article, I can relate at varying degrees to all of the points. I think a lot of friendships are built on common interests and then either remain with the common interest or expand depending on personality fit. But ultimately, I think friendship with oneself is vital. The reason being is you always have yourself no matter who else is around. Also, I have learned in my experiences that it’s often times more important to pay attention to those who don’t clap when you win vs those who are there when you’re down.
So true!
Sounds familiar! Thanks for sharing this. It puts words to many of my inner realities.
Thank you Sarah!
I’m sorry did I write this??? The one that took me out at the solar plexus was about freaking people out “when all of sudden I decide that someone is good friend material after being cold for so long”. You mean that’s not normal??? I can see it now in my past – but I have to sit back and watch that person, I can’t engage till I see who they really are. I have over-tried too many times, too early and then found out the person was not great friend material, someone who I couldn’t learn anything from or they came on too strong and in the past I thought I had to accept anyone who wanted to be my friend, because I always felt I should feel lucky that anyone wanted to spend time with me, this was also hindsight. I also have very little experience having good friends, so i have no idea how to be one either. I’m looking for people I can be myself with and those I can be honest with. Elisabeth when you said about having to know the rules of the relationship – that also shook me, I can see it so clearly – I try to understand the rules as I see them in regards to the other person (like someone who is always late – sorry I don’t put up with that anymore), then set them with the person and then clarify them with those who are my friends.
I can say I have two friends, one is pulling away but i am not chasing her, like I would have in the past. I am only keeping friends now that happen organically, I have tried too hard and chased too long in the past because I thought I had to have friends. I’m ok without them right now as I heal – how can i be a good friend till I am one to myself. I also recognize when I am working too hard because I agree to do things I know I don’t want to do, or find myself trying to save them. I only spend time now with people who I feel energized after spending time with them, if I don’t feel good I’m out.
Thank you as for always being honest and vulnerable so we can be too.
Thank you for all these amazing points about friendship here. You are clearly learning so much on your recovery journey about how to relate to others in a new way.
Elizabeth- in order to be a bad friend you have to actually be a friend first. A friendship has to form. I have a lot of the same parts and same issues as you. If there are any people who would understand your situation and what you are facing, its those of us who have had trauma in relationships. We get it. The rest of the world doesn’t get it. You are a caring, smart, compassionate person who has a lot to offer to others. Give people an opportunity to get to know you..those of us who have been traumatized understand where you are coming from and understand a lot about the different parts. You have a lot to offer. Your insight and wisdom is amazing. I certainly could benefit a lot from having you as a friend. I don’t think i have anywhere near as much to offer as you do but i am a good listener. I am caring and compassionate and supportive. I recognized early on that i could really use someone like you as a friend. Dont sell yourself short. All those parts may try to sabotage possible frindships and many of us understand that. You don’t have to impress anyone Elizabeth. Who you are is more than good enough!!
Thank you Dave.
Elizabeth.
Thank you for sharing your perspective on friendships and where you are at today.
For me this is all about trust.
Do I blindly trust and end up hurt?
or
Have I learned that trust is earned and people are human / fallible and forgiveness / grace is called for.
Lastly, for me it requires boundaries. Firm yet flexible.
If I find that I misjudged and a person is a predator, I have a choice / obligation to end the relationship / friendship.
If mistakes / misunderstandings happen, it can also lead to deeper levels of intimacy…
Thank you Paul. These are all very good rules to follow in relationship.
Thank you once again Elisabeth for your insight and sharing in vulnerability!
It is sad, I can relate to all your parts and the struggles around relationships!
While I have all the same relational struggles, one more to add to the list is that friends bring their OWN relational struggles to the ‘party’ which makes it even more dangerous to have friendships.
You never know what triggers and issues the other person brings to the relationship which creates an environment that my parts identify as UNSAFE and dangerous.
For me, other people are like ticking time bombs…you never know when they are going to go off and if you are too close then you will be destroyed in the shrapnel.
I know that this comes from my previous familial relationships but it is a hard one to release.
Yes. Our isolators would definitely be very wary about this.
This is the first time I have seen it laid out like this. I want friends. I have met many kind women who want to be.friends, but I cannot engage with them. I get physically ill before I see them. I end up cancelling. I assume that they are laughing at me behind my back. My mother and sisters delighted in creating a clique. I was often rejected and humiliated by them and by others. I don’t know if I will ever have friends.
We live in a flashback when it comes to relationship. How we were treated in childhood is what we expect now. It seems so much easier to be alone.