I decided to go no-contact with my family many years ago. It wasn’t a flippant decision. It wasn’t to punish my parents. It wasn’t any of those stereotypes about no-contact decisions. Those come from people who are either jealous of our freedom or have done the kinds of things that warrant no-contact decisions from their kids. I went no-contact because it was the safest thing I could do for my own children. I wanted them to have a chance at a normal life without abuse, trafficking and manipulation from the people who are supposed to love them. I look back on that decision now and see it as one of the best things I did.
But gong no-contact was not the end of the journey. In many cases, it is the beginning. It allows our system of inner parts the safety needed to start unraveling and unpacking the trauma we have carried around for years. And believe me, my system took the opportunity. My inner parts were tired of carrying around years of pain. They were tired of re-creating the patterns from childhood in every relationship. They were tired of not knowing what bad thing would happen next or whether or not I would remember it. They pushed through many defenses to be heard. I’m glad they did.
I have learned over these years that a traumatic childhood gives us a set of blinders. Many times, I don’t know what decisions I am making in the unconscious until I start to recover the memories that are driving those decisions. Each time I uncover a new pattern, it can feel like I have wasted a lifetime in the dysfunction it created. And after so many years of inner work, it feels frustrating to know that I am still getting these horrific people out of my unconscious. I hate that I am carrying them around still. I hate it so much that I go into denial about it sometimes. I don’t want to see it anymore. But to be fair, I have unraveled a ton of trauma so far. My life is much better. And when I am grounded, I know that.
This week, I thought I would share with you the ways my family stayed with me long after I sent them packing. I share these with you because you don’t deserve to carry them around either. And if this brings awareness to those parts of you, that makes it all worth it. So here’s a few bread crumbs to help you search your own unconscious. Here are some beliefs coming from my traumatic experiences with a dysfunctional family.
I’m not sure people are safe. I already get that there are plenty of people who aren’t actually safe. I am not talking about them here. We never want to think they are safe. But I struggle to see safe people as safe sometimes. And that is so frustrating. It is fueled by the years of meddling by my mother. There was no relationship that was untouched by her. So now, when someone says a word or phrase that sounds like my mother or indicates they may have been in a town where my mother has been, my isolator rises up with big questions. “How do I know my mother didn’t send them along?” “How can I be sure these people are safe?” She is still messing with my relationships long after I kicked her to the curb, at least for now.
I’m not convinced this is possible. That might sound a bit ridiculous coming from someone who is so invested in this process, I teach it to others. When I am grounded, I honestly and wholeheartedly believe it is possible to fully heal from our childhood trauma. I don’t just mean to “live with it”. I mean fully heal. But when I am not grounded, the futility seeps in and says there is no way to unravel the web they wove. It is too deep and too entangled in who I was supposed to be. It feels like surgically removing 150,000 pieces of shrapnel from my poor, tired body. And no matter how good my life gets, there is this nagging bit of doubt and futility that stick around, at least for now.
I regret the time spent in my trauma patterns. I don’t wallow in this place of regret. But there is a grieving process that comes with change. The grief is a requirement to ground into the change. That grief says, “I could have done this sooner.” And it doesn’t feel good. I hate that my early adult years were spent in a trance continuing to play out horrible patterns with my family and partners. I waited for them to do the right thing, but they weren’t capable of it. I want the years they stole from me and I am not going to get them. But I still need to give myself the compassion to express it. And I need to put the blame where it belongs. I won’t get anywhere with “get over it”. That has never been a healing phrase. But “what could’ve been” will show up in my mind on occasion, at least for now.
I do believe it is possible to unravel and untangle the web of complex trauma our families wove as they attempted to trap us in the same miserable life. I truly believe it is possible to feel all the feelings and remember all the memories which are driving our lives. In many cases, this journey starts with no-contact. But it doesn’t end there. When you hear the unconscious beckon you into “the old ways”, use your awareness to let it express. But make another choice. Your life doesn’t have to be dictated by the web. It can and does change with this work. Keep at it. The more you see what was left behind, the less it will impact your life.
I have some false things still believe from childhood. One is that It is my job to avoid or stop disagreements at all costs. I must quiet all argumentative people, but at the same time I can’t speak back to them. That is true even if I didn’t cause it, didn’t contribute to it, have to speak up because something or someone said something that is wrong, need to stop someone from misperceptions ,need to speak up against injustice, or stop someone who is a bully. Bullies are very hard to deal with because they really are basically a type of narcissist. There is nothing that you can do or say to make anything right in their eyes. They always want the opposite of whatever you say. I need to speak up more often and state my truth. I know this but it is very hard to do.
This is a really good example of the thinking so many of us struggle with after trauma. It can be so difficult to break free of it.
Thank you so much Elisabeth!
Oh my gosh! I can relate to all three of the beliefs you have listed so strongly that my heart aches and the grief arises.
Especially the third because I did not start becoming aware until my late adulthood and it pains me the number of years and potential opportunities I have lost from carrying all the false beliefs for so long! Waiting for those around me to do the right thing….which never happened.
I also still struggle with feeling people are not safe, at least I am aware that this is a belief that I carry and that it is not potentially true for everyone. It is difficult nonetheless. Learning how to trust myself enough to discern who is safe and who is not when in the past everyone was untrustworthy.
Awareness is so important for our healing. It helps more than we think. But it is so difficult to build that discernment and trust ourselves. It requires a lot of consistent dedication to build it.
Thank you Elisabeth!
I did something opposite. My love seeker opened up after 3 decades. When my kids were born I opened doors for my parents. Now I understand why I did it, I was waiting for love from my parents and even I could not get it I hopped for my kids. I believed that they changed (or I wanted to believe) and that was to the point they discarded me when I needed so much of support. I wanted to apologise them but could not find any reason, then phobias started and I was in hell. I still have problem to forgive myself for allowing them enter my heart because I know that things would go differently for my girls. But I was in deep sleep..
Yes! Definitely! We will often swing between these two opposites throughout our lives in an attempt to feel okay. It is so hard.
I lovethis last paragraph you wrote Elizabeth,
“I do believe it is possible to unravel and untangle the web of complex trauma our families wove as they attempted to trap us in the same miserable life. I truly believe it is possible to feel all the feelings and remember all the memories which are driving our lives. In many cases, this journey starts with no-contact. But it doesn’t end there. When you hear the unconscious beckon you into “the old ways”, use your awareness to let it express. But make another choice. Your life doesn’t have to be dictated by the web. It can and does change with this work. Keep at it. The more you see what was left behind, the less it will impact your life.”
I love what you said there. That is hope, my work is not wasted. That there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Thank you for those words. And although a no contact visit is not an option for me, I embrace my boundaries.
Sending my love to you Regina!
They attempted to trap us in their own miserable life… I hadn’t been seeing my sisters as “actively” trying to trap me. I took the blame for that- I was attached, I wanted a relationship, I wasn’t willing to rock the boat, I wasn’t willing to show up, to ask for what I need. I felt they were one step out of reach, and if I did “this one thing”, they’d like me… again. But if they are out of reach, if they aren’t seeking me, if they meet my efforts to connect with them with silence, ignoring me, or talking about cats and azaleas, not acknowledging anything I say or that there is even anything wrong- that is an active response on their part. They aren’t merely standing still- they are pulling down the blinds, shutting the window, closing the door, telling me verbally or nonverbally they have no interest in me/ my life. It’s kind of backwards. Their “active trapping” shows up as passive no- response, so you try harder and harder to get their attention. I do the work of trapping myself, becoming more frantic to get them to see me, acknowledge me. And they watch me, or maybe they don’t. Maybe they really don’t care.
It is true torture. Send you my love Wendy!